by Raven Scott
“You have a problem, Aleksander Makovich, with thinking everyone’s expendable and using it against them when you know sure as Hell that you’re not gunna do anything. Okay— with all the respect you deserve, Darren can and will fuck you really bad if you mess with him. You’re the boss, blah blah— whatever. He’s the one with influence outside Russia, not you.” The woman popped up, her angel face and perfect smile puffing out her cheeks under sparkling, green eyes. She spoke with no malice, no grumpiness, but that was the curious thing while she walked across the hotel room to hold out her hand for me. “I’m Delilah.”
“Joci…” I shook her hand— she had such a delicate grip. Everything about her screamed innocent, but there was something… “Nice to meet you… I think…”
“I have no intention of being a bitch or getting all up in your space.” Delilah was so chipper, and I only nodded dumbly as she pulled back to flop onto the sofa again. Inside Russia, she’d be dead by now for saying what she said; it really was true, wasn’t it? Aleksander Makovich had no influence outside the Motherland even though he was king. “Anyway— I appreciate you giving me a few bucks and all, but I’m not giving you any information on my boss. Sorry. She’s way scarier than you.”
“I don’t understand what’s going on…” I was so lost, and Delilah gazed at me with raised brows as curiosity flashed in her bright eyes.
“I’m your English teacher. Aleksander didn’t tell you? I taught second grade before I took up modeling. Did you think I came here because I was so scared of him? He’s paying me, and I get to see Darren.” Alarm bells rang shrilly in my head, and she smiled widely again as I sat on the foot of the bed. “It must suck so bad living under a totalitarian terrorist regime. You know, now that you’re here in America, Joci, you don’t have to be deathly afraid of everyone.”
For the next few weeks I do.
22
Jacob
“You look like shit, dude.” For once, I was glad to have Caleb around so I wasn’t alone with my thoughts, and he popped open the fridge as I stared blankly at my phone. “Wanna talk about it? Is this because Aunt Lisa’s going around telling everyone about how you paid for a wife to show off at tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner?”
“Not really. I couldn’t care less about what Mom was telling people. I honestly… I fucked up, and I don’t know how to try to fix it. You’re good at that— you got any tips?” Maybe, if my expression was so damned gaunt and twisted, Caleb would make a big deal of what I’d said. Glancing up as his brows drew together, my lid twitched while the other night’s disaster played in my mind’s eye. “I told Joci she looked better with her clothes on, and then we screwed for a while, and then I told her I needed some time by myself.”
“Oh…” Short story shorter, I covered my mouth with my hand to hide my scowl as self-depreciation saturated my tongue. Slowly, Caleb closed the fridge door, and his own face drawing in seriousness. “Was she upset you said that?”
“No. She had surgery— has a huge, multi-pronged scar down her front—” Honestly, the scar reminded me of that holy symbol in I, Frankenstein, with longer, horizontal scars under her breasts and shorter ones creeping out from just above her hip bones. “I wasn’t expecting that. I looked up, and… there it was.”
“So, what? You feel bad for judging her for a scar?” Jerking my head in a nod, I tightened my grip on my phone. I had to get to work, but I just couldn’t physically bring myself to think or do anything. “Did you call her, yet?”
“Not yet. I’m gonna on my way to work, but I don’t know what to say.” Raking my hand through my hair, I exhaled a hard sigh through clenched teeth. I’d been struggling with this since Monday. Every single thing I could say raced through my head, kept me up at night, but none of it seemed to be right. “I know she showed me because she wanted to get it out of the way, but I feel like shit because I reacted exactly how she expected me to. What kind of person does that make me?”
“If I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t call her back at all, honestly. I think you should take that at face value, Jacob. You’re only human, and no one is perfect. You like her, and she obviously likes you, and if you think you can get past the scar, you should try.” My lips twisted sharply at that, and I glanced at my watch the check the time. “It’s not like you reacting how she thought you would is a bad thing, either, Jacob. That just means she has realistic expectations of herself. If she thought she was the shit and freaked out on you, then you’d have a problem.”
“Yeah…” Straightening to slip my phone in my pocket, I shook my head to try to clear my thoughts as I headed to the door. “See you later.”
I could feel Caleb staring at my back while I grabbed my jacket and left my apartment. An irritated sigh escaped me to float down the hallway, but I couldn’t just back down; this is exactly what happened the last three times I’d confronted Caleb. He’d be less of a pain for a week or two if I was lucky, but it never lasted once he felt he was in the clear.
Fool me once, shame on him. Fool my three times…
“Whatever.” Heading for the elevator, I fished my phone out of my pocket only to pause with my thumb hovering over my contacts. Joci starts English class today. That was right— her boss got her a tutor. “It’s early… but I don’t want to ruin her whole damn day.”
Tapping the screen before I could stop myself, I navigated to her contact to call her. Holding the phone to my ear, I inhaled a deep, steadying breath and closed my eyes briefly.
“Hello?” Joci’s sultry, sleepy voice slithered down my neck to tighten my chest, and I exhaled slowly as I punched the elevator button.
“Hey, Joci. Did I wake you up?” She hummed a noncommittal response, the line rustling as if she was rolling over. “I can call later, if you want.”
“I’m awake.” My heart thundered against my ribs, and I rocked back on my heels. These past two days, all I did was think, but now… nothing came to my mind but the look on her face when I walked away. Like Joci was afraid I wasn’t going to come back, but she hoped I’d keep my word and call her.
And I had, damnit!
“I just want to talk about tonight— you’re still coming over, right?” Anticipation sloshed through my veins, and I clenched my jaw at the silence that met my question. Now, inviting Joci to Thanksgiving dinner seemed like such a stupid idea. There were so many other things I could’ve suggested, like the Macy’s Parade or even just dinner at my place. Even though I can’t cook like that to save my life.
“I do if you want me to. My English class is today at the noon, but I will be free. Yeah.” Perking up at her jumbled English, I nodded more to myself— of course, to myself, because she couldn’t see me. “If you don’t want to, that’s okay.”
“No— no, I do. I want to see you, Joci.” The silvery doors slid open, and I stepped inside to press the ground floor button before continuing. “I know that how I acted about your scars was wrong, but I want you to know that I’ll try my best to get past it.”
Man, I sound like a fucking idiot! Get past it? Try my best? The fuck kind of promise was that?
“… Jacob, it’s not bothering me. Really. It was… gooder…? Um…” Working myself into my jacket as Joci trailed off confusedly, my lips quirked as her sigh caressed my brain. “Don’t feel bad. Okay?”
“I’ll try not to. I gotta go catch the train, but I wanted to talk to you before I got to work. I’m sorry for waking you up.” Some of the weight lifted from my shoulders, and Joci hummed softly before the line summarily went dead. Lowering my phone to smile at the screen, I adjusted my coat and messenger bag with a satisfied sigh. “That could’ve been worse, for sure.”
Worry kept me from sleeping, and now that tiredness invaded my body with a vengeance. I felt like such a piece of shit, couldn’t get my head out of my ass— couldn’t believe that Joci had been butchered like that but still took her clothes off for me.
How terrifying to be saddled with that kind of expectation?... But man was it worth it
. Joci had limitations, of course. She couldn’t raise her arms, so doggystyle was out, and I was probably overly cautious about hurting her, but… Wow. She was damned good at what she was capable of.
Which was I felt so bad about her scar being such a turn off.
“Ach! Fuck!” Reaching to squeeze my head between my palms, my slur bounced around the metal box before it shuddered to a stop. “Why can’t she just be hot and have a great personality and I not get caught up on something so stupid?”
Obviously, my mixed feelings would consolidate one way or another the more I saw of Joci. I didn’t want to be that guy that messed up because of a scar, though, and as long as I put in effort, I’d get results.
Besides, Joci hated her body a lot more than I did, and frankly… she probably didn’t want to go without clothes, anyway. It’s disgusting how comforting that is.
The cold hit me with a shock, and I blinked hard as I glanced around from under tightly knit brows. Automatically, my legs carried me towards the subway entrance, but I couldn’t reign in my mind. My thoughts raced all over the place. There’d be no snow for Thanksgiving this year. I had to go into work Friday for the first time in a long time. Should I stop for breakfast?
At least the torture I felt over Joci wasn’t as potent.
23
Joci
The tension between Ophelia and Aleksander was palpable, and I clenched and released my hands into fists by my sides. She glared at him, and he watched her steadily back, daring her to open her mouth.
“I’m telling you not to propose that. That’s my advice. You know as well as I do that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Santino won’t go for it, and you’ll get laughed out of the room.” The hard edge to her tone cut through the air, and she folded her arms across her chest to sit back and cross her knees. “You want my advice, there it is. Take it or don’t, but don’t blame me when Santino looks at you like you’re stupid.”
They’d been arguing for a while now about whether Aleksander should add a clause to their contract. I hadn’t been paying attention to the conversation much, but I did hear something about the future. Out of the corner of my eye, the clock struck 6 in the evening, and Aleksander’s watch started to beep shrilly. Their conversation ended in a stalemate, but I knew better. He started setting his watch again, and he and Ophelia just moved onto the next topic.
“Joci— you’re relieved. Have fun on your date.” Ophelia’s eyes flew to me to dig holes into my back as I practically ran for the door. Scowling from Aleksander’s amused glance, I clenched my jaw hard and fumed. Obviously, Ophelia hadn’t seen Jacob and I outside the hotel, but it wasn’t Aleksander’s secret to expose. All to catch her off guard— a tactic that wasn’t even sure to work.
“Ugh. That was awful.” Having dinner with Sascha, his brother, Ophelia, Aleksander, and Delilah was more fun than sitting in these meetings, and that’d been noticeably awkward. There were full minutes of silence before someone broke it, but then it’d fall back into place. I didn’t even know Sascha’s brother’s name or remember what he looked like— I spent all that time staring at my plate.
And the food wasn’t even that good. I didn’t have to spend much effort to forget that night happened.
Reaching into my pants pocket, I puffed out my lips as I stared at the English that glared through the screen. At least pictures were easy to follow, and I tapped Jacob’s name as I frowned. He was so upset, and my heart was so full because of that fact.
“Hey, Joci. I’m just getting off the subway now. Right on time, huh?” Instantly, my frown smoothened out, and I nodded as I walked through Aleksander’s room and into my own. The adjoining door could be locked, but only from his side, and only the manager of the place had the key. “So, how was the meeting? What does a bodyguard even do at something like that?”
“Die of bring bored.” My grumble earned me a chuckle through the phone, and my palm tingly wildly. “I don’t really guard. I can’t fight. I can’t shoot guns. But no one ever attacked Lyov. He’s a loser.”
“Sounds like it was just a place to put you, then?” Stopping my trek in front of my suitcase, I flipped the soft top to gaze at all my clothes. “It’s not like you need to know how to shoot here.”
“I don’t know what to wear tomorrow.” Truthfully, I had no idea what was even appropriate to wear to something like this. Thanksgiving was a stupid idea— an excuse to get a family together. But I couldn’t just go in my normal clothes. I don’t even have normal clothes, just business stuff.
“Uh… how about we go shopping for something? I need a new shirt, anyway. Mark spilled coffee on me in the break room today. I’m almost at the hotel, so just come down in what you’re wearing.”
“Oh, okay. Are you okay?” Worry slithered into my veins even when Jacob breathed a ‘yeah’, my frown forming again as I shut my suitcase. “Good. I’m glad.”
“The office coffee is usually cold by the time the office opens. I never drink that stuff, anyway, because it’s cheap.” I grabbed my jacket off a chair to pat the pockets for my wallet before heading out of my room, and Jacob sighed over the line. “Tomorrow is gonna be fine. It’ll be a little rough in the beginning, but everyone will get over you quick. Plus, there’s a ton of food. That’s always a good thing. How did your English lesson go?”
“She was very nice. She said I wasn’t terrible.” Waiting for the elevator doors to open, a tiny bubble of pride formed in my chest at my own words. “I have every day for now, but I can do reading by the time my boss goes back to Russia. A little bit. Not a lot. But she said to learn all the letters, and little kids can do it, so I can do it.”
“You definitely can, Joci. It’s not easy to learn a second language, and you have the advantage of not being forced to learn shit you’ll never need to know, like reading Shakespeare or The Great Gatsby.” Uh… I didn’t know what either of those things were, and my silence must’ve spoke for itself when Jacob continued. “Don’t worry about it, okay? Can you teach me some Russian? That would be cool.”
“You’re easy to fall in love with.” Licking my lips heavily as my native tongue rolled out of my mouth, I smiled to myself while heat slithered up my neck. Jacob’s confused, expectant silent rang in my ears, but I didn’t answer when the elevator doors slid open. “I’m going down now.”
“Okay— I’m a block away. I’ll be there in five.” We hung up, and I held my American phone to my chest tightly as I reached in my pocket for my other phone. The green case was so ugly now, like dead grass, and I just wanted to throw it out my hotel room window. I was going to destroy it in the craziest way I could think of, but not until Aleksander left.
“I… hate you.” My face reflected in the black screen, and my cheek twitched as I slid the device back in my pocket. 21 days as of tomorrow. I could handle that. What lay beyond was what lay beyond, and nothing more. The future didn’t exist. No one could anticipate what was in store.
Like with Jacob. His obvious disgust with himself at being disgusted by me was so heartwarming. He recoiled, yes, and he clearly did not find my scars attractive, but he felt bad about it. That was the important part. These past few days, I realized… no one ever felt bad about what happened to me. I didn’t even feel bad about what happened to me. It was something I couldn’t change, so I had to force myself to accept it and move on. Losing myself to the despair of events out of my control was not how I’d been raised to live.
When was the last time I talked about my parents? The only time I could remember was whenever their deaths were brought up. What did my mom’s face look like, still attached to her skull? What color was my dad’s hair when it wasn’t crusted with piss and blood? I can’t remember.
Leaving the hotel to stand against the building, I put my coat on gingerly and winced when my arm pulled too far back. When was the last time I thought about anything before five years ago? But here, in America, even Anatoly didn’t exist. Aleksander would never let him set foot on American soil, and if he did, he
was a dead man. Not for me, but because Aleksander’s power was absolute, and being related to him was worse than not.
“Joci—” Pausing awkwardly to glance up, a smile crested my lips when Jacob stopped in front of me to very gently tug my coat. “You know, you can always put your coat on backwards and no one will think it’s strange.”
“Really?” That’s actually really smart. I couldn’t take my coat off now that I’d gotten it on, but I stored away that notion for later while Jacob nodded. He effortlessly pulled back my hair, and I licked my lips as his warm radiated like the sun. True to his word, a huge stain discolored most of his shirt, but he didn’t seem at all perturbed by it. “You didn’t go home first?”
“I didn’t see the point. I’m just throwing this shirt out, anyway. So, is there anything you can’t wear?” Rather than wrap his arm around me, Jacob grabbed my hand, and my brows rose in surprise. His lips thinned, his own gaze shimmering brightly with all the beautiful things that tingled and warmed my face. “You always wear loose stuff. I thought that maybe it’s because tight clothes hurt your skin?”
“You’re right. Yeah.” My heart was so full in this moment, but I couldn’t help but wonder what’d happened to Jacob over the course of the day. He sounded so different than this morning on the phone; I was half asleep, but even then, I could hear how awkward he was. “What happened?”
“What?” Shooting him a pointed look, I arched a brow before realization dawned on Jacob’s face, and he reached his free hand to rub the back of his neck. “Oh— about that. I just realized… I mean… does it bother you to have clothes on while we fuck? You didn’t show me because you hoped I would think you were sexy. You showed me because you trust me, and you wanted me to know. If it was about how attractive you are, you wouldn’t need to take your clothes off. I already thought you were insanely hot, so if it wasn’t for that… you showed me for a deeper reason, and I only focused on the sex part.”
