by Raven Scott
“I want clothes on… no. I hate myself.” Squeezing his hand reassuringly, I smiled at how close we were in this moment. In this moment, Jacob and I existed together, in harmony. “I do not blame you for hating me, too.”
His eyes flooded with relief, and he swayed to the side to kiss my head with a heavy sigh that ruffled my hair. Tangling our fingers together, I felt good. I felt like Jacob understood me. I felt like we were seeing the same thing, and feeling the same thing, and being the same.
24
Joci
“Let’s go in there.” Pointing at the lingerie store, I couldn’t help but giggle at Jacob’s surprised expression, and I nudged him with my elbow. “You said so. Remember?”
“Well, yeah, but I was being facetious.” Grumbling even as he pulled me to his side, Jacob didn’t protest as we ducked into the store. The place smelled like flowers, and there wasn’t a single shopper; even the employees were just hanging around the registers waiting to leave. One of them, a more middle-aged lady greying at the temples, popped up to walk over to us, her heels silent on the carpet.
“Hello! Looking for a last-minute gift for yourselves?” I nodded, releasing Jacob’s arm to unzip my jacket as anxiety sent tremors through my hands. “Do you need help finding something?”
“Yeah— I need to cover this.” He managed a single sound before I pulled up my shirt, but the strangest sensation overwhelmed me even as the sales lady went a little green with horror. “That’s the point. Right? To cover it.”
Glancing over at Jacob, I frowned under furrowed as he covered his mouth and sighed heavily through his nose. Gingerly reaching to lower my hand, he shook his head a little before I turned back to the sales lady. She was horrified, still in shock, eyes wide and mouth agape as she stared through my loose, pale blue shirt.
“Joci, some warning would be nice.” Her gaze flickered to my face to narrow slightly until she regained her composure at the sound of Jacob’s voice. “I’m sorry, ma’am. It’s a band-aid situation…”
“Uh— uh… okay… s— so… let me… let me get a second opinion…” Hastily walking back to her associates, the saleswoman talked too low to hear even in the quiet of the store. My gut wrenched, but there was no getting around the fact that I’d have to show myself at some point. I held my breath when she and a younger woman walked over, and they both smiled at me before the older one spoke up. “This is Macy. She can help you a lot better than I can.”
“Hi. Do you mind coming into the changing room with me?” Nodding despite the sudden sense of dread that slickened my palms, I followed Macy to the back of the store. Pretty scraps of clothes crowded around me, and mannequin torsos hung on the wall to skirt the room. The back wall was lined with fitting rooms shielded by pretty, purple, floor-length curtains, and she pulled one back to gesture me inside.
This was a bad idea. That was the only thought running through my head, when just 40 seconds ago, it seemed like a great idea. I was sleeping over Jacob’s house, which obviously meant something naughty was going to happen. Why not try to find something when we were already out? It was better than getting awkward because I couldn’t take my pants all the way off. Right?
“So, what are you trying to cover?” Inhaling deeply, I held my breath as I shuffled out of my jacket before attacking the buttons on my shirt. Macy was quiet, watching me but not overly curious or glaring, and my shirt fluttered to the floor before I held out my arms. Awkwardness made my scar tight under her narrowed gaze, my lungs burning with the need to breathe.
“You have scars?” Her light brown eyes met mine before she shook her head, craning her neck. Slowly turning around, I only breathed when she was out of sight, but the sound was loud and sharp. “It’s not bad at the back. Just the front.”
“Okay. I don’t have scars, but I’m a nurse, so I’m used to this kind of thing. This is my second job.” My lips formed an ‘o’, and I came around full circle as Macy rocked back with a thoughtful look on her face. “Does lace make you uncomfortable, do you know?”
“I don’t know. I never had one before. I just wear a dress.” She nodded before slipping out of the room, leaving me alone with my reflections on three walls. Staring at my feet, I kicked off my heels and climbed out of my pants to clench and release my jaw tightly. At least the scars on my legs could be ignored— they were short and light. The doctors only needed to put pins to hold my bones together, so the slices were smaller. My veins showed a lot, though.
“Gross.” Looking as smooth and flawless as I had before Anatoly was a notion I gave up on a long time ago. When Jacob and I were together, I knew that the last thing he looked at were my legs. If that ever changed, I could just put on thigh-high socks instead of regular socks. After my knees, the veining wasn’t that bad— there were only a handful of blue spots that bulged out of my skin.
“Don’t think about it too much, Joci.” Jacob’s voice rose above the curtain rod, and goosebumps washed my arms and across my chest. Wrapping my arms around myself, I huffed loudly, and I could see his soft, understanding smile when I blinked. “Has anyone ever told you to love your scars?”
“… No one knows about them. You do. That’s it.” Of course, Aleksander knew about them, and I knew that Carlyle Santino did as well because he’d said as much. But, for the sake of clarity, Jacob was the only one that didn’t try to use them against me. “I hate that. Love myself? I have become as close as I can. There’s nothing to love about this…”
“You know— there’s creams and stuff you can get to help, if you wanted to try that.” Poking my head out of the changing room, I frowned as Jacob leaned against the wall separating mine from the next. “You could get the really good stuff, too, since your boss is the one paying for it. Once he leaves, he’s covering your medical expenses, right?”
“Looking pretty is not a medical expen—nes…” My tongue tied over the word, but Jacob didn’t fault me as my mouth dried. “Really?”
“It may not be for your body’s health, but your mind is important, too. If you feel good about how you look, you’ll be happier. You’re not in Russia anymore, Joci— there’s a lot of help you can get in America that you probably didn’t think of back there. I don’t think the scars will go away completely, but they’d probably fade a lot.” Blinking fast as my brain struggled to keep up, I pursed my lips thinly. “You should think about it, at least. Looking good can make you feel good, and that isn’t just for clothes.”
“I will think about it— yeah.” Macy appeared, weaving through the clothing racks with something draped over her arm. Nervousness and excitement warred in my chest, and I gnawed on my lower lip. Tingles shot down my spine as I stepped back into the dressing room, and she flashed me a smile.
Holding up the burgundy item, Macy waited patiently as I scanned it through narrowed eyes. The front parted between the breasts, but it covered everything with a pretty floral pattern.
“Want to try it on? It’s crotchless, so you wouldn’t have to take it off for sex.” Nodding mutely, I gathered up my courage as she unhooked the strap from the hanger. My whole body tingled with a volatile mix of expectation and fear, but I couldn’t back down now. “I have a few other styles you can try, but this is probably going to be the most comfortable.”
“Okay.” She helped me into the item but worry screwed my face when I realized that the strap went behind my neck. “I can’t lift my arms so far.”
“I can help with that part— don’t worry about it.” Calling over the curtain rod, Jacob’s assurance set fire to my cheeks, and Macy’s smile widened. She helped me into the garment to gingerly adjust the fabric around my breasts.
“How does that feel? Does it itch or anything?” Shaking my head, I kept my eyes on hers while Macy played a little with my hair. The fabric clung to me, but in a good way, and I gulped down the dense lump in my throat. “Your boyfriend’s right— it’s surprising how much looking good makes you feel good. If you want, I can suggest some gel for your scars and legs
.”
“Oh— he’s not my boyfriend, I think.” The protest slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it, and the blood drained from my face. “Am I?”
“We’re going straight to marrying, remember? I paid good money for you, damnit.” Scrunching up my face at the reminder of that particular rumor going around, I shook my head as Jacob’s laugh filtered through the drape. “If we wait too long, I can’t get a refund when you get your green card and leave me.”
“You’re dumb, Jacob.” I rolled my eyes, but Macy chose that second to move out of the way. My pupils blew at the sight of myself, tension gripped every muscle in my body. The scars on my arms and legs weren’t covered, of course, but all I could see was what I couldn’t see. Even where the fabric cut to reveal my breasts, my scar only barely poked through, sneaking out by less than a few centimeters.
“Wow…” Reaching my trembling fingers to my face and the others to my reflection, I gasped in shock. “Wow…”
“You haven’t worn lingerie?” Shaking my head faintly, I twisted a little, and even the scars on the sides of my breasts were covered by the lace. The fabric wasn’t itchy— it wasn’t tight— it wasn’t uncomfortable in any way. Wow… “We have black and purple, a—”
“Yes!” My voice wavered, overly loud as it rolled down my dry tongue, and I blinked in disbelief. Heavy, fat tears dripped off my lashes, flowing through the risen, fine hairs on my cheeks. “You can’t see it— you can’t see it—”
25
Joci
Gasping at the delicious shivers that skittered just under my skin, I hugged myself as the most amazing feeling beat against the backs of my eyes. Around me, the world was beautiful and bright. The train and everyone in it were tinged pink, and I leaned to rest my head on Jacob’s shoulder with a harsh sigh. Holding the bag with my lingerie in it tightly to my chest, I could feel my heart beating furiously against my arms.
“See? That lady was real nice, letting you wear it out of the store.” Jacob’s arm tightened around my back, and I rolled my lips between my teeth to stop them quivering. Pressing a kiss to my temple, he murmured softly under the rattling of the train. “Are you going to wear it tomorrow under your clothes?”
“Yeah.” Honestly, I couldn’t remember the outfit I’d bought for tomorrow, but… who cares! “I feel amazing.”
“I can tell. Did you just never think you could help how you looked, or did you not know you had options in the first place?” That question put a damper on me, forcing me to think instead of floating through the haze of finding this sensation. Gnawing on my inner cheek, I flexed my fingers around my bag. Jacob didn’t rush me with expectancy, and I inhaled a deep breath thickened by his smell.
“In Russia, I was a thing. I was a thing that served no purpose— a broken piece that had no place anywhere. Feeling happy… it never mattered. I can do things okay. That’s all that mattered.” My smile dimmed but didn’t disappear, and I truly felt like Russia was in the past. I was learning to read and write English! I had a truly good man next to me. I felt good about myself for the first time in a long time. “I’m not that person anymore.”
“I’m happy for you, Joci.”
“No— for real—” Pulling my wallet out of my jacket pocket, I held up my American ID card in shaky fingers. “I’m a different person in America. It’s as close to real as he could get, which is really close.”
Lowering my tone to whisper, I knew the risk I was taking by showing Jacob. He shot me a curious look, taking the thick plastic to frown at it under furrowed brows. Thin strands of anxiety wormed through my veins, but he didn’t look upset— simply curious.
“I hope you never get in trouble or anything…” He handed me back my ID, sighing while I slipped it back in my plain, cloth wallet. “How come all the illegal stuff you’re involved in doesn’t feel creepy and illegal?”
“For lower people, it’s like that. Not for us. My boss is the boss of the whole Russia. His father says that business is business, outside legal and illegal. You treat it bad, it will be bad. You treat it business-y, it’s is just business. Lower people don’t treat it business-y because they can get in trouble for it.” Arching a brow quizzically when Jacob nodded, I licked my lips heavily. “It doesn’t bother you?”
“I honestly don’t think about it. Like I said— it doesn’t feel threatening or anything. Besides, it’s not going to matter soon, anyway, right?” His cheek twitched at his own question, and I nodded dumbly while the train screeched to a stop. “I guess, the thing I’d worry about the most was you getting found out and deported. You’d never be able to come back.”
“I’d be killed for going back. It wouldn’t matter the reason.”
“… That would be bad, yeah.” Standing up as the people around us shuffled towards doors, Jacob and I made our way off the train. The ebb and flow of people that he’d mentioned— I could see it. Everyone temporarily in sync in such a small space, all trying to escape to the world above. Holding me to his side, Jacob sighed into the slightly heavy silence that engulfed us. “Tomorrow is going to be an experience. I’m excited. I think you’ll have a nice time once the excitement of a new face wears down.”
“I can’t think of it… what that’s like…” Smiling as I trailed off, he didn’t say anything more as we headed up a long hallway. The air became a little easier to breathe, and the smell started to fade before we hit the stairs. Tightening my grip on my bag, I glanced over at him from under my lashes.
I’m so lucky. I was so lucky to have met Jacob, even if we didn’t last. Even if the cultural gulf between us was never bridged… even if this hot, fun phase ended, and we started to get bored… even if he realized that I didn’t benefit him in any way… I was so lucky to have this, no matter how briefly.
“Joci?” Blinking at the call, I pursed my lips thinly as Jacob’s eyes met mine. “You worried about meeting my family?”
“Do you think time means anything?” We reached the top of the stairs and the surface, my question disappearing into a faint cloud of white. Turning my gaze to the concrete underfoot, I inhaled deeply as palpable confusion hung heavy in the air. “You think it matters? Is it even real? If no… then… what does matter?”
“I don’t know. Why?” His eyes bored holes into my crown before he shielded me with his palm, rubbing my scalp with his fingertips. Warmth enveloped me entirely, a hum of pleasure lodging in my throat before he spoke up again. “You’re not having an existential crisis over Thanksgiving dinner, are you? We don’t have to go. I invited you because I want to introduce you to my family, but we can hang home if you’d rather not go.”
“I do.” Speaking up after a long moment, I turned to him to frown under knit brows. “You like me enough to meet your family. Why?”
His blue eyes widened, and my heart pounded hard against my ribs as we turned a corner. Despite the silence, we didn’t stop walking, coming closer to his apartment. Blood drummed in my ears, drowning out the rumpling of the bag when I unfurled my arms to hold it by my side. My elbows throbbed, and I rubbed them over my jacket— not that it helped.
“I like you because you’re funny— and you’re awesome— and you came all the way here for a better life after all that shit you went through. You’re willing to fuck me even though your last boyfriend tortured you. And if you wear the right stuff, you’re insanely beautiful. When you smile, you scrunch up your nose, and it’s the cutest shit ever. Not to mention… what I know about you, I like enough to want more. I think that’s more important than ‘why’.” His short nails scraped my crown, and my eyelids fluttered closed as pleasurable tingles swept down my back in powerful waves. “I especially like when you do this. It’s so cute. I did it because it seemed like a better idea than kissing you in front of the pizza place and all those people.”
He stalled our journey to turn to me, and I gnawed on my lower lip as his palm slid to cup my cheek. Everything about him drew me in, from the uniform direction of his beard to the thin wrinkles aro
und his eyes. His touch was warm, comforting, intimate, and I realized— no one ever touched me like they’d regret it if they didn’t. No man ever looked at me as if he worried he never would again.
Everything I had, even before Anatoly, was meaningless. It was fun and fast, but it was over the moment it began.
“Time doesn’t matter because there are moments where it stops.” My throat closed at his murmur, and Jacob smiled that wonderful smile as he stroked my cheek with his thumb. Tilting my head into his touch, I closed my eyes to savor his touch. “Does that answer your question, Joci?”
“Yeah… I’m learning to love you.” Jacob’s palm flexed against my jaw, but I found myself too weak to open my eyes. I couldn’t bare looking at his expression and ruining this blissful moment with doubt. His puff of a sigh flowed down my nose and chin, his fingers following to draw my lips to his. Oh…
There was no better feeling than Jacob’s kisses.
“You, of all people, understand that time doesn’t exist when you’re so deep in an intense situation, Joci. It works both ways. The horrid darkness… and the blinding, beautiful light.” That’s very philosophical… but more than that, it was true. Leaning to rest my forehead against his chest, I inhaled as deep a breath as I could as he cupped the back of my head. “It’s amazing what one, proper piece of clothing can make you think and feel, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. It is.”
26
Jacob
Joci held out her arms for me, and my heart throbbed to a primal rhythm as I firmly took the cuffs of her sleeves between my fingers. My apartment was dark, quiet, and excitement zinged up and down my spine. I was dying to see her in whatever she’d picked out.
