A Cold and Quiet Place

by Alison DeLuca

  Suds sluice over Lily’s body as she yells back, “Exactly!”

  But between the Yasmin debacle and texting Tyler a thousand times a day, Lily’s swim times have gotten slower. She wants to carve at least two seconds off her 50 freestyle, and instead the numbers keep inching over the 25-second mark.

  Robert tells Lily she has to break down her stroke for a longer, less choppy reach in the water. The thought is terrifying, since it will mean slower times for months, maybe a year. Better now than later, he says, but she can’t force herself to try it out. Lily’s limbs seem to be filled with sand lately. Swimming, once a joyful act of freedom, has become a wrestling match with herself.

  The teachers are piling on the homework. Exams and projects breed like rabbits as the weather gets warmer. Maybe the thought of Tyler going to Rosemont makes her sad, less likely to push herself. His graduation hurtles towards them, with only a few days before until his departure for college in early June. Tyler plans to spend the summer training with his new team.

  Lily leaves the shower, towels off quickly, and joins her friends at the full-length mirror. She twists her hair into a thick braid, adds athletic wrap to keep stray ends out of her face. “How was your practice?” she asks Haddigan.

  The girl brushes mascara on her sandy lashes with quick, expert strokes. “Not bad. Feel like I need a new dry land circuit though, you know?”

  “Right?” Lily abandons her makeup and pulls on her sweatshirt. “Seems like I’m caught in a rut.”

  “Maybe over the summer we can meet up and exercise for real, run a few 5K’s or whatever.” Haddigan caps the mascara with a flourish.

  “I heard beach runs give you a great workout,” Lily says.

  Staci wedges herself between them. “I want in on that. We can text each other every day, right? Facetime and stuff to keep on track together?”

  They head out of the gym, filled with ideas for the summer. Lily feels a flash of hope. A different routine might propel her back into the top ranked times, and maybe she won’t have to start over on her stroke.

  Tyler’s voice breaks into their plans. Lily looks up and sees him, one arm raised to beckon her over.

  Haddigan bumps Lily with her hip. “Looks like it’s time for me and Staci to head out.”

  Lily tries to protest it’s not necessary and they can all walk to breakfast together, but her friends have already crossed Keene Road. By the time Tyler catches up with her, Staci and Haddigan have disappeared among the crowd of students who head over to pick up breakfast before class.

  “Hey, you,” she starts.

  His smile has disappeared. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”

  “What?” She shrugs. “I didn’t – I mean, I was just talking to Staci and Haddy about summer plans. You know, workouts and stuff…”

  “I thought I was your summer plans.”

  Even as he glowers at her, Lily thinks how handsome he is, jaw mulish with temper and black eyebrows low over his eyes. Still, he can’t call her out for talking to her friends. “You’ll be in college!” she protests. “Besides, we were talking about 5K’s, not bars or clubs.”

  “Forget it,” he blasts. “Sorry I ever brought it up. You have fun with those 5K’s and your friends or whatever while I work my ass off in college.” He sprints between two cars on the avenue, making one driver break with a squeal and lean on the horn.

  Lily stares after him, her mouth open. What the hell was that all about?

  ◆◆◆

  Hey bby I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to make you mad

  Please Tyler just answer me

  Just let me apologize

  There are two days left together and you’ve made me sad. Pls call or text me

  Don’t shut me out like this Ty please

  Please bby call me. You weren’t at our windowsill at lunch and I miss u

  ◆◆◆

  The last part of physics class might as well be in Ancient Sumerian. Lily’s words to Tyler float on the tiny screen, hopeful bait in an empty sea. She knows if she stops sending texts one after the other Tyler will make her pay. It’s unthinkable, like falling into a hole in the space-time continuum.

  When the class ends, Lily rushes out of the room to see if she can catch Tyler as he comes out of his World Lit course. The hall is deserted except for a guy and girl making out on a wooden bench. Lily stops, unsure what to do. She’s just about to head back downstairs when the girl looks up and sees her. “Looking for Ty?” she asks.

  “Yeah,” Lily admits.

  The guy kisses the girl’s neck, but she seems to ignore him and smiles at Lily. “The seniors have a graduation meeting. Bet he’s there.”

  The two start to lick each other’s tonsils again, and Lily turns away. It she can just find Tyler, the whole fight will blow over.

  It’s not like she even knows what she’s done to him, anyway.

  You in a meeting? she texts. It’s a big campus! Just tell me where you are and I’ll bring you French fries.

  There’s a minute before she gets a response: French fries would be good.

  She blows out a long breath. Where are u?

  Just come downstairs.

  Lily stashes her phone and clatters down the steps. Tyler waits for her on the ground floor, his backpack hitched off one shoulder, dark sunglasses on. “What took you so long?”

  She nearly misses a step. “Uh, can you tell me what I did to get you so mad?” He folds his arms, doesn’t respond. “So, what, it’s a kind of weird guessing game now? You’re gonna jet off to college soon and leave me here at Prescot. Is this how you want to spend our time together?”

  Tyler shrugs. “If you say so. You were the one who took off with your friends after practice, though.”

  The sheer absurdity of the accusation nearly makes Lily laugh. “You’re mad because I headed out of the gym with Staci and Haddigan? Listen, you’re the one who gets me. Who understands me on every level. Who else knows about my sport and my state, who sees the real me? The one no one else can even understand?”

  She leans forward as she talks, willing the beautiful boy in front of her to listen and understand. He’s incredibly important to her, and he should know it before he heads off to college, before it’s too late.

  But his eyes are hard and won’t let her in. “You failed my test,” Tyler says. Without another word, he walks out of the building into the soft green of Prescot’s campus.

  ◆◆◆

  Lily studies for her physics exam, an essay the students will have to write together in class. She scrawls quotes from their text sources and her own notes on the back of cards, contributions she can add to the discussion of light waves and velocity. Since it’s a group project, the essay could go in any of several different ways. Lily will have to prep for each possibility.

  Her desk sits near the dormer window with a lamp on one side. She pictures what it must look like from below, if a late-night creep on campus looked up at the desk and saw her writing in the dim glow of the desk light.

  She finishes another card and sits back in the chair with a sigh. A glance at her phone shows her zero texts.

  Does this mean she and Tyler done? The mere thought gives her a warm rush followed by absolute panic. Who will she talk to when he’s gone? Where will she sit for lunch and dinner? Who’ll share a bag of forbidden pastries with her after practice?

  Just thinking about u, she writes.

  Her stomach eases when she sees the responding three dots come up. Thought you had to work on your exams, he answers.

  I do, but I can still think about u. About us. At least - is there still us?

  A few seconds pass, and Lily wonders if she’s pressed too much. His text, when it pops up, is almost cheerful: U r so dumb. Of course there’s still us. U got my ring remember?

  Apparently he hasn’t finished. We can have guests at Rosemont in a couple weeks. When u r done school, I dunno. Come and see the campus. Hit a few parties. Whatever, I don’t care. If u feel like it.r />
  The invitation is a long message for Tyler, and Lily’s heart swells. She actually feels the organ press behind her ribs. Still, she doesn’t want to go overboard with enthusiasm and scare Tyler off. Yeah, sounds good, she writes. Let’s forget all the weirdness from today and make up for it tomorrow. OK?

  Yeah. She waits, but he seems to be done.

  Lily scrolls back to reread the conversation. After all the angst of their argument, his acceptance and implied approval makes her smile among the books and papers on the physics of light waves.

  One phrase from their conversation catches her eye: ‘hit a few parties.’ Has he already met other students? Team members? Girls? Lily knows she won’t be able to concentrate until she stalks his accounts. Minimizing the physics information, she brings up Twitter and Instagram. Tyler has created profiles there, complete with pictures of his swimming career and a few selfies.

  He’s already got several hundred followers on Twitter, and the number of Instagram followers approaches a thousand. Lily isn’t one of them.

  She scrolls through the posts and sees one from a girl with a long ponytail called Bree wearing a Rosemont sweatshirt and waving at the camera. Hey, Ty! is written under the picture. Thanks for following back! Can’t wait to meet up in a few days!

  Lily pushes the laptop back and presses her fingertips into her eye sockets as she considers what a stupid decision it was to look at his profiles. Of course, she could just call him and ask who Bree is, but would it start another cold war with Tyler? She can’t stand another shut-out.

  Instead she forces herself to finish her physics note cards, look over the material for Lit class again, and write a sample outline for her calc exam (also an essay.) Since Yasmin no longer lives in the room, Lily shoves the books to one side, grabs a baggie with her stuff, and heads to the communal bathroom to scrub her face and brush her teeth. A few other late-nighters stare into the mirrors with bleary eyes. Lily flaps a tired hand at their reflections.

  Ms. Hankins pops her head around the door. “You’re late, girls. Finish up and get into bed before I write you all up for breaking the lights-out rule. Lily, you’re still in street clothes. Go and get ready for bed this instant.”

  “Sorry,” Lily mutters and dries her face. She scurries back to her room, yanks off her t-shirt, and pulls off undies, jeans, and socks with one violent motion, leaving the stack of garments in the middle of the floor.

  She shakes her head. Yasmin’s gone. Messy piles of clothes no longer matter. Lily can trash the entire room if she wants.

  Once the lights across the campus wink out like fireflies in the dark window. Lily grabs her phone, plugs it into the charger by the bed, and gets under the messy covers. In bed, she texts a Hi, a heart, a kiss. A moment later, Tyler’s Facetime call rings through. “Tired?” he asks with a yawn.

  “Yeah. You are too, obviously.”

  “Yeah.” They look at each other onscreen for a minute before he closes his eyes. “Don’t have too many nightmares.”

  “Okay.” Even though she’s exhausted, Lily wants to ask him a few questions. Why did he friend the Bree chick? What does ‘can’t wait to meet up’ mean? Will they survive the long-distance?

  “’S pretty cool,” Tyler slurs.

  “What? What is?”

  “Well, you know. Even though I’m gonna be far away, we’re gonna fall asleep together like this every night.”

  “Oh.” Lily feels her heart melt again, and she smiles at the screen. “Yeah, we can.”

  “Yup, until it’s official and we don’t need Facetime anymore. Just be together.”

  “What’s official?” she whispers.

  “C’mon, you big dummy.” Tyler waggles his third finger at her. “Til I can put a ring on it. A real one.”

  “Oh.” Lily swipes her hand over his face on the screen, a soft gesture. “Can’t wait.”

  “Of course you can’t.” He holds out the phone and shows her his shirtless chest. “Betcha can’t handle all this.”

  Lily laughs. “Get over yourself.” Her blood races, and she can’t hold back a giggle as he lies back down and gets comfortable. Take that, Bree, Lily thinks.

  “I can always see you. All the time. You’re never alone.” Tyler whisper fades into a soft snore.

  Wired to the wall by the phone in her hand, Lily closes her eyes and dives into oblivion.

  10

  Exams don’t start until after lunch, so Lily takes a few minutes to hang with Staci poolside. One lone swimmer is left in the water after practice, a junior working on his turn. Robert squats at the far end and glares at the kid’s shark shadow underwater. When the boy breaks at the end and hangs on the cement lip, Lily can hear his gasps for air across the huge enclosure. The coach gives a few instructions in a low voice, and the swimmer’s hair flings out silver teardrops as he nods.

  There are other sounds in the pool – the usual squeaks from the equipment next door, muffled shouts from the ice-hockey rink, the mournful whistle of an exasperated trainer. They’re punctuated by wet slaps of feet on the floor: Haddigan, wrapped in a towel, approaches Lily and Staci with a broad grin on her freckled face. She sinks onto the end of the bench and twists her towel into a cone so she can screw it into her ear. “This is awesome,” she comments. “Don’t have to rush off to Advanced Calc in my wet suit. We can even go get breakfast! Like real food, not just bagel bites in a bag.”

  “Bagel bites are the ultimate supreme,” Staci says. “Hey Lily, ya missing Tyler yet?”

  “Oh.” Lily considers. Tyler’s at Rosemont already, since the swim team has to spend the summer there. “Yeah, of course, but I’m happy for him as well. You know? He got such a great scholarship, and the Rosemont team is amazing. Well, so I hear, anyway.”

  It’s what they all want, the shining star of college acceptance with an athletic letter and admission into a good sports program. Tyler has accomplished what Lily dreams about for her future. Each sports activity she does, every volunteer program the team goes to – they’re all steps on the ladder to make it into college and, for a few talented athletes, the Olympics.

  Staci shakes out her towel, grimaces, and lets it fall on the wet floor. “Ugh. Time for laundry. How’s he doing, anyway?”

  The waves break against the edge of the pool as Robert stands and his swimmer launches into another succession of swim turns. “Busy,” Lily says. “I mean he has to get settled in, meet the team, a bunch of college start-up stuff.” She doesn’t add that he hasn’t contacted her yet.

  She’s sent out her hourly updates: Now I’m in physics, about to head out of physics to Lit, gonna go grab a turkey wrap, time for history, getting ready for practice… It’s become a habit to detail each movement she makes with a text.

  Tyler knows her schedule, and if she doesn’t follow up as soon as a class ends, he’ll get angry. Her stomach churns when she recalls just how angry he can get. Tyler is a complicated riddle with a constantly changing answer. Or, more likely, he’s a maze with walls that shift as she tries to follow her way to the end.

  “Paperwork,” Haddigan supplies. “Got to be tons of paperwork when you first get on campus. And don’t they start class early?”

  “Oh yeah,” Staci chimes in. “I bet there’s a ton of stuff you have to handle as an incoming freshman athlete.”

  Lily feels a rush of affection for both of them. Staci and Haddigan are golden girls who will sail through life with serene flair. Haddigan’s mom invented a special keyboard for physically challenged students, and Staci was born into a family of wine barons. Even with all of that weird history, they act like anyone else at Prescot, though – friendly and supportive.

  Of course, they have their own hidden problems. Haddigan never sees her parents because her mom travels then months out of the year on speaking tours or delivers TED talks. Staci never talks about the years her father spent as a state senator and was implicated in a junk bond scandal. They steal shampoo in the locker room and drive Robert crazy by begging f
or early release from practice, just like everyone else.

  “Want to get food and cram over breakfast? Get crumbs all over our laptops?”

  “Ew.” Lily laughs and chucks her towel at Staci’s head. “Sounds vile and repulsive – of course I’m in.”

  ◆◆◆

  The campus is filled with students, normal for any sunny day at Prescot. Most of the kids recline on towels or blankets. A couple of lucky students hog the last bench space. Lily, Haddigan, and Staci dump their swim bags on a damp pool towel, and Staci rips off her t-shirt to reveal a bikini top. “What?” she says when Lily pretends to choke with horror. “I came prepared. Jealous much?”

  “Go die,” Haddigan replies without rancor. “No one forwarded the bikini memo.”

  Lily snorts and gets out her tablet. “Anyone start on the Flannery O’Connor final?”

  “Yeah, me.” The voice is masculine, comes from a few towels over. Lily looks up. James lies on his stomachs as he flips through a thick textbook. “We’ve got the test this afternoon. You?”

  “Right after lunch.” She scowls at the screen and flips through the pages. “I just don’t get it, though. Who would let their daughter go off with a stranger? And give him their car, too? Especially if she’s deaf!”

  James gets up, steps over a few of his friends, and plunks down next to her. “I’ve read the story. There’s all kinds of good stuff in it, about hearts and souls and how to be more than the sum of your parts.”

  “Yeah.” Lily concentrates on the last few pages of The Life You Save May Be Your Own. “The guy, Shiftlet, says you can pull a man’s heart out of his chest and dissect it, and you still won’t know any more about him. I mean, obviously! What do you expect, to read “I’m an asshole” engraved on my left ventricle?”

  The students around them snicker, but James edges closer. She had forgotten his sincerity, the serious expression in his brown eyes. “Exactly,” he says. “Everyone’s a mystery. There’s no way anyone can tell if you’re good, or, you know, evil. Just by looking, I mean. Even if I carved your heart out of your chest.”