A Cold and Quiet Place

by Alison DeLuca

  “I’m almost 16,” Lily mumbles. Her mind whirls, trying to pick apart the rapid-fire accusations he hurls at her. “And you just said you were with your coach, not at a party.”

  “With my coach at a thing. Jesus, can’t you hear? Are you deaf?”

  She doesn’t know where to begin. He’s wrong – she does know how hard he’s worked to get a spot on an NCAA Division 1 college team. Every swimmer knows about the constant struggle to make a mark in a not-very-popular sport. No one really comes to watch swim meets, after all. The competitors push their bodies through the water for their parents, their coaches, and in the end, for themselves.

  Lily crosses her arms tightly. Her stomach hurts, but she doesn’t want to show him how scared she feels. “Look, Tyler. Can we just take it down a notch? I’m sorry I got frustrated, but you have to understand how it felt to arrive in a strange place expecting to see you, and instead I had to hang out with your roommate, a guy I never met before. My mom’s gonna kill me if she finds out, by the way.”

  “What, you might get grounded? Lose your allowance? Get sent to your room?” His eyes are dark slits. “My spot on the team could be in jeopardy if I don’t jump through the hoops, don’t go to the parties and give campus tours.”

  “Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was such a big thing. Ben just said it was a party, so I pictured you at a mixer or frat house. I had no idea you had to go to sports functions.”

  “But that’s just it.” He crowds closer. Tyler smells like beer under the cologne she gave him before he left for Rosemont. “You immediately thought the worst of me. Not cool. And now you’re in my face with your high school stuff, and I just don’t have the time or the energy. Do you know how hard it is to go to college? How much work it is? Not to mention the schmoozing and meetings. You. Have. No. Idea. In fact, I wonder if we have anything in common now.” He adds a few comments under his breath. Even though it’s too quiet to hear, she flinches. Everything he says is like a red-hot brand on her skin, leaving scars no one will ever see.

  “So, what – we have to break up now you’re in college?” Lily’s still dizzy with the turns the conversation takes. She’s on a carousel that spins faster and faster until she gets sick or falls off. “Right?”

  Her stomach jolts again, an electric bolt of pain. She realizes a break-up might be not be the worst end to this conversation. Don’t throw up, Lily thinks. Just don’t throw up here in front of him.

  He hisses and bends forward, pulls her to his chest so he can kiss her. “I fucking miss you so much, and when I get back from a dumb social event I see you flirting with my roommate. And now you’re about to break up with me?”

  Tyler’s voice is in her ear, and she can’t think straight, and she’s so sorry if she hurt him, and she wants to get away but has no idea where to go. “I’m not breaking up with you.” Lily squeezes her eyes so she won’t cry, not anymore. Not for this.

  His chest expands as he sucks in breath, as though he’s about to say I love you, or I hate you, or just one of his barbed remarks that always seem to turn her inside out.

  A voice, bright with excitement, emerges from the stairwell. “This looks like a tender reunion! How are you, Tyler? I managed to find a parking spot. Of course it was miles away, and I had to walk all the way back, but it was worth it to see such a beautiful campus. Do you love it here?”

  Her mother. Of course.

  Lily watches as Mom walks past the Crack Shop. A marshmallow pops out of the room to hit her butt, and she skips with a little squeak before scurrying over to them.

  There’s a huge smile on her face. “Well, what do you think?” Mom nudges Tyler’s arm. “I’ve delivered her to you.” Lily turns to the wall to wipe her eyes as her mom adds, “So, ready to go to dinner, you two?”

  Lily nods. She can see her mom, the hallway, and even the Crack Shop over Tyler’s broad shoulder, from where she stands pressed against him. It’s as though he is now the frame around her entire world.

  “Good to see you, Mrs. Batista.” His voice is smooth, as though Mom’s arrival is the greatest thing in the world that ever happened. They might be on the steps of a museum, all three of them, in a civilized conversation about art and world politics. “I hope you don’t mind if I get changed quickly first. I’m starving.”

  13

  Lily wishes she could have just one more of those summer days spent at home, even though they seemed endless and boring at the time. July and August have melted away like ice in a soft drink at the shore, and she’s back at the Prescot pool enclosure.

  There are concrete tiles under her toes instead of sand. It’s sophomore year and she’s a year older, but nothing has changed.

  Lily finishes her text to Tyler: Hi bby - just finished practice– about to get dressed and head 2 dry land. She overhears Haddigan’s voice, echoing around the locker room. “Yeah, come over at eight. Tell Staci and James, okay? I’ve got soda and pretzels, and Yasmin said she’ll bring healthy stuff – fruit or kale chips. Oh, I know. But, whatever. See you then, m’kay? Love you.”

  Obviously there’s a party in Haddigan’s room. Lily hasn’t heard about it until now, but everyone on the swim team is crazed with fall swim season and 10th grade classes.

  She climbs into dry sweats, bundles her damp hair into a messy bun, and cinches it with a tie from her wrist. By now, it’s a reflex to check her phone and text Tyler. She tells him she’s dressed and about to leave the locker room. The battery blinks at 23%, and her stomach sinks. She’ll have to find a way to send him constant updates, or he’ll go batshit.

  “Texting your bae?” Haddigan laughs. “Each time I see you, you’re like this…” She mimes holding the phone, shakes her wet hair over her face as she scowls at the screen. “Sorry girls, just have to tell Tyler I need to pee!”

  “Shut up.” Lily tickles her waist, Haddigan’s kryptonite. “Walk me to the gym for dry land?”

  “Can’t. I have run to the library to put my name down for a peer tutor – the engineering elective is kicking my ass.”

  Haddigan gives Lily one of her toothy smiles, swirls her long ponytail over one shoulder, and grabs her swim bag. It isn’t until the locker door swings shut Lily realizes Haddigan hasn’t invited her to the party or even mentioned it.

  It must be a mistake.

  ◆◆◆

  The sun’s out today. Might go for a run later. Just finished breakfast. Heading to Lit class.

  Ugh, so sick of poetry from centuries before I was born!

  Can’t wait to see you next weekend.

  I think there’s a party here tonight. I won’t go if it makes u uncomfortable, tho… Let me no wut u think.

  Love your new Facebook update. Already Liked and commented. Will share it if u want me 2.

  Lit class done. Yay! Now about to go to Advanced Calc.

  Sorry – couldn’t text in class. Prof was all over us. Lunchtime. Warm enough to be outside. PB&J – woo hoo! Exciting! What are u up 2?

  Tyler, are you there?

  Ty?

  During the block set at afternoon practice, Lily feels as though she’s on top of everything for once. Her laundry is ready and actually put out for the service. She’s signed up for a work group in her Historical Lit class, since the Odyssey might as well be written in the original Greek as far as she’s concerned. All her texts have gone out, since Tyler expects to be notified before and after each class. He hasn’t written back, but Lily knows he has a lot on his plate at college.

  The water parts before her like chlorinated soup, her hair a familiar weight at the back of her neck. Robert doesn’t say anything, but she knows he’s pleased with her time – another .02 seconds off her best freestyle practice time.

  Still, it’s swimmer’s etiquette to drag her body out of the pool, to complain about how much practice sucks, to ask if she can leave early. Of course Robert says no and tells her to get her butt into the gym.

  “Heavy on the squats!” he yells. The order echoes in the h
uge space. Overhead, the metal beams shiver with reflected light from the pool. With a wave to indicate Yes, Lily opens the door to the locker room so she can change for dry land.

  Haddigan and Staci stand by one of the lockers. Lily opens her mouth to say Hi and ask them what she can bring to the party, even though they haven’t mentioned it to her yet.

  “You mean she doesn’t know?” Staci murmurs.

  “I just can’t watch her text her boyfriend all night while the rest of us hang out. It’s sick. Do you realize he has her class schedule? He makes her check in. And if she doesn’t tell him where she is, each moment of the day, he gets pissed…”

  It’s obvious they mean her. Lily feels rage and shame course through her veins.

  Haddigan has no idea what she’s saying. Tyler is concerned, that’s all. He wants to keep her close because Lily’s so important in his life – he’s told her so. He’s even hinted at marriage. No, more than hinted – he’s come right out and declared she’s the one he wants forever.

  Haddigan’s a bitch, and Staci is clueless, and Lily has no need for their negativity in her life.

  Making as much noise as she can, Lily stomps past the two girls without a glance in their direction. Her locker door, when she bangs it open, makes a satisfying clang. She strips off her suit and lets it fall onto the floor.

  Determined to make the scene even more awkward than it already is, Lily pulls out her phone and opens the screen. The battery is at 3%. Phone about to die going to do squats text u soon

  The text, when she hits send, minimizes as the screen goes black. Did it go through? she wonders. Oh God, please please please let it go through.

  ◆◆◆

  Without her constant texts to Tyler, Lily feels isolated and unsure what to do next. She rushes through her workout, skips dinner, and opts for quick leftovers in her room. There she plugs in the phone.

  As soon as it comes to life she calls Tyler on Facetime. There’s no response. Sometimes he makes her wait for hours, repeating his name until he sees she’s invested enough in him.

  Lily’s become used to it. Probably a lot of boyfriends do the same thing to their girlfriends. With a shrug, she opens her laptop and logs into the group chat for Lit.

  When the student group opens, James puts up an outline of the expected assignments with a few suggested themes. The students read through the workload and let James decide who will do what for the papers they’ll have to write.

  He, Lily, and the other participants reach a conclusion on one of the essay questions and divide the mythology research into manageable chunks. The chat comes to an end, and Lily opens a new tab to start work on her section.

  She jumps when she sees Tyler’s blank gaze like paparazzi inside her phone. “Hey!” Lily hopes her voice sounds normal. “Didn’t realize you were there. Sorry. I got sucked into a shitpile of work for…”

  “Obviously. It’s so nice to get a call in the middle of a team meeting and be ignored. Wonderful, just fantastic.”

  Lily clicks her tongue. “I just said I was sorry. It’s not like I did it on purpose. I have work here too, you know.”

  There’s no way to recall the words once she’s said them. A fleeting grimace – is it anger? joy? – passes over his face. “Oh, is that so? Well, I tell you what. You can just wait and see how long it takes me to answer.”

  “What?” He’s just as difficult to read as epic poetry. “Tyler, what do you mean?”

  The screen on her iPad shakes and resolves to show a corner of his dorm room. “Tyler?” she asks. “Tyler, you there?”

  The phone pings to life with a text. Yeah. Good. Keep the attitude up. See where it gets you.

  “Tyler?” Lily’s chest aches as she realizes he won’t answer, not until she’s done her penance for acting out. “Tyler? I’m sorry, baby. Please forgive me. I didn’t mean it. Baby, no. Don’t do this. I have so much work, you have no idea. I can’t spend time… I mean, I will spend time on you of course, but it’ll put me behind and with double practices I’ll never be able to catch up.”

  Her room looks out over the campus, dark blue and gold in the late hours of autumn. She still doesn’t have a roommate, which means extra space for Lily’s clothes, books, and swim gear.

  But it also means she’s cut off as though she sits in a castle turret and waits for a rescuer. Nowadays princesses don’t wait – they rush out, slay the dragon, start a charity to help disadvantaged children. When they were still roommates Yasmin often talked about Queen Rania of Jordan’s work to promote women’s education and micro-finance. Lily, however, is stuck in her room, silent except for her voice as she pleads over and over for Tyler to forgive her. If he does, if he answers, at least she’ll know she’s alive, not just existing.

  “Tyler?” Lily pleads. “Just answer. Tyler, are you there?”

  Out in the blue and gold there’s a party going on. Staci and Haddigan hang out with a bunch of people, talk about movies, and braid each other’s hair. There’s food, laughter, music.

  Lily scrubs the corners of her eyes with one sweatshirt sleeve and goes back to her research on the geography of Odysseus’s voyage home. After an hour she manages to get into a rhythm: find a reference, cut and paste, plead with Tyler to forgive her. Work, write, beg. And repeat. Lily sorts facts, posts back to James and their digital group.

  Her voice grows husky, but she still talks to an empty screen.

  Maybe Tyler’s left the room. Maybe Ben and Bree are there Perhaps all three of them watch and laugh as Lily apologizes over and over again. There’s no way to be sure.

  She is certain, though, about how furious Tyler will be if she stops begging him to talk to her. He’ll shut her out, lock her into a cold, acid pool of his rejection.

  Lily jumps when the phone rings, and she puts aside her notes on the Greco-Roman wars. Relief cascades through her – Tyler’s forgiven her quickly this time.

  But it’s Erica’s picture on the screen, freckled and with that signature gap-toothed smile. When Lily answers, Erica jumps right into a long story about a dance at their old school, how she was supposed to go with a guy she met at practice, but he ended up ditching her for another girl.

  “Hang on just one second,” Lily says. She waves at the iPad and speaks to Tyler’s dorm room – conversation with an empty space. “Hey, baby, I’m still here. Erica just called me.”

  “Oh, are you Facetiming your boyfriend? And meanwhile I’m blabbing about this dumb guy I just met? Ugh, I’m such an idiot.” Erica laughs. In the background Lily can hear the bathroom faucet.

  “No worries. Tyler and I just stay on Facetime while I do homework. I think he’s hanging with the swim team, so don’t worry about it.” Lily makes herself breathe, slow the desperate tumble of words.

  “I’m so glad to hear from you,” she adds. That much is true. In Lily’s dark, isolated dorm room, Erica’s bright face is beautiful. “So this idiot from the swim team showed up with another girl from school? Even though he knew you’d be there?”

  “Yeah.” There’s the whoosh of bathroom soap followed by more water. “Crap, my knuckles are bleeding again. And do you know who he brought instead?”

  “Who? Don’t tell me it was Courtney.”

  “Yup. Can you believe it? That squirrelly bitch who used to tattle on us in fourth grade – for things she did!” Erica’s voice is indignant.

  “You’re so better off. His loss. Wait, hold on.” Lily waves to Tyler’s dorm room. “Still here, catching up with Erica! Okay, then! I’ll check in again soon!” Her voice sounds like the tones of a chipper nurse who is about to give a reluctant patient a spinal tap.

  Erica hesitates. Lily can hear the check in her friend’s breath. “Is he even there? How long have you said his name to him like that? Did he answer you at all?”

  “Oh.” Lily waves one hand in the air. “It’s – this weird thing we do. I kinda pissed him off, so he just wants to know I’m here for him. Don’t worry, he’ll pick up in a few minutes. I
bet he’ll be back soon.”

  “But…” Another moment passes. Outside, on the campus, a few kids run around with sparklers. One of the on-site teachers opens a window and yells. There’s laughter in his voice, as if he acknowledges the beauty of their silliness. “Lily?” Erica repeats.

  “I’m still here.”

  “You know what?” More running water. “I’m gonna ask my mom if I can come up and visit this weekend. Cool?”

  Lily sucks in air, tastes cinnamon and burning leaves. “Oh my God, I’d love it. You have no idea. Do you really think she’ll let you come?”

  “I don’t care.” The thump of more soap squirted out of a pump container onto already clean hands. Lily can hear the liquid, the squish of wet palms rubbing together under the faucet. Erica’s voice is grim as she adds, “I won’t ask. One way or another, I’ll be there.” Lily brushes her hand across the screen as though she could touch Erica across the miles as they say goodbye.

  As thrilled as she is about Erica’s visit, she still has to do her – her duty. “Tyler?” Her voice cracks. “I’m still here. Ready to talk whenever you are.” She’ll work for another hour, pack up her books and get ready for bed. The iPad will sit next to her pillow, an open window so Tyler can keep watch.

  She may be physically alone, but Lily has a ghost to keep her company.

  The assignments curl and burn under her steady fingers on the keyboard. It’s almost midnight when she closes the computer, brushes her teeth, and slips between wrinkled, messy sheets. Tomorrow, Lily promises, I’ll make the bed.

  The iPad is on her pillow. “Going to sleep,” Lily slurs.

  “Why?” His face appears in the screen. “Sleepy?”

  Lily mumbles how tired she’s going to be for practice and class.

  Okay, Tyler answers. Of course, I forgot what time it is. Sleep well, and good luck in the pool. Kill that practice. You know I got your back. I’ll be the loudest one on the sideline, cheering you on as I watch you compete. So proud of you, Lily.