The Survivor's Guide to Sex

by Staci Haines

  I have done Twelve-Step recovery around my sexual stuff. Meetings are a place for me to get my bearings and support. They help me remember what is important to me, and I don’t get judged if I mess up.

  Lenore

  I was not addicted to love and sex, but rather acting out what happened to

  me. I was continuing to do what was done to me as a child. The more I dealt

  with my stepfather’s abuse, the more I found boundaries and a kind of self-respect

  that let me start making choices sexually that took care of all of me.

  Calling it addiction, to me, makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

  This is my own body and my own energy that someone else harmed. I was

  surviving how I knew, and now healing is helping me find better and better

  options.

  Kate

  Choosing Celibacy

  Choosing not to be sexual for periods of time can be useful in the journey of healing from child sexual abuse. If flashbacks to the sexual abuse are coming regularly, or if you feel like you hate sex, you might choose celibacy for a time. If you notice that you are having sex with yourself or a partner when you don’t want to, try being intimate with yourself (or your partner) without being sexual.

  My partner and I are both survivors. I started dealing with my incest and ritual abuse four years into our relationship. Our sex life had actually been pretty good before that, but when all the memories came, I lost interest altogether. Sex and abuse got all mixed up inside of me, and I just didn’t want anything to do with it. We ended up taking a couple of breaks from sex that lasted between six and nine months each.

  Jo

  I kept having sex with my husband when I didn’t want to. It wasn’t him who

  was pushing me to do this. I would feel guilty about not being sexual with him

  and wanted to show him that I loved him and wanted him. This became really

  self-destructive and of course had an adverse affect on how I felt about him.

  Finally, I got the courage to negotiate three months off from sex… At the end of

  three months, we are going to check in to see how this is going and renegotiate

  from there.

  Rona

  Being celibate is a valid sexual choice. Celibacy can mean refraining from all overt sexual expression or being sexual with yourself while not having sex with others. You can be celibate for a period of time or as a lifelong choice. My concern about celibacy for survivors is that it can be used to mask an avoidance of the pain and hurt of the sexual abuse. If you are celibate because you don’t know how to embrace your sexuality in a way that enhances and vitalizes your life, then celibacy is not a choice. When opting for celibacy, just make sure it is really a choice.

  The End of Self-Denial

  Ending self-denial does not mean you will become some hedonistic individual just out for herself. Ending self-denial, rather, means bringing yourself back into balance. It means respecting yourself deeply, which also allows you to respect others.

  Sex Guide Exercises

  1. Where do you fall on the scale of sexual aversion/sexual compulsion? List three instances when you avoided your sexuality and/or three instances when you had compulsive sex.

  2. What emotions are you trying to manage through sexual compulsion or aversion?

  chapter five

  Sexual Response and Anatomy: Information Is Power

  Childhood sexual abuse is about the worst way to learn about sex. Unfortunately, this is most likely the way that you were first exposed to sex—not what you would call a sex-positive sex education! Learning and relearning about sex is a lifelong endeavor for everyone, but it is especially so for survivors of sexual abuse. To help you along the way, this chapter is chock-full of information about your body and the sexual response cycle.

  Where Did You Learn That?

  I remember the first time a customer at Good Vibrations asked me where her clitoris was. I was both stunned and glad she had the courage to ask. Over time, I’ve learned that this was not an unusual situation. If no one teaches you or encourages you to learn about your own body, there is no reason you would know.

  What do you know about your sexual anatomy? When did you first learn about your clitoris? Where did you get your information about sex and sexual arousal?

  Studies show that most people learn about sex from their peers in their youth. So what we didn’t learn from our abusers, we learned from a bunch of under-educated youth attempting to teach one another something they didn’t know much about.

  Other than your peers, the key source of information about your body and sexuality is the media. Movies, magazines, popular songs, and books tell us about ourselves and our bodies. Of course, some of these messages are more accurate and more positive than others.

  You may have found your way to quality sex information, from recently published sex-positive books, or even from a supportive lover or friend. Congratulations! You are the rare breed. But if you have not had access to helpful sex information, please use this chapter as a friendly resource. It’s hard to know what is up with your sexuality, much less successfully guide someone else toward your pleasure, if you do not know what happens to your body when you are turned on. Information is power, especially where sex is concerned!

  Sex Information and Sexual Abuse

  As a survivor, you were exposed to harmful negative information about your sexuality. You may have known a lot about sex, far more than was good for you, but the information was tarnished by the abuse—or just plain wrong. You learned about sex on the abuser’s terms, not your own. You may have been taught how to gratify someone else sexually, without even knowing how to please yourself. This may have carried over into later consensual sexual relationships.

  At thirteen I knew so much about sex and penises. My friends would ask me

  questions and couldn’t believe how much I knew. I got this strange pride out of

  it, even though it was because of the sexual abuse that I knew all of that.

  Really, all I knew was how I was supposed to suck off my stepfather, how to

  give him what he demanded.

  Laura

  I knew a lot about my boyfriend’s body and hardly anything about my own. We had a very out-of-balance sex life. My pleasure was not really a part of it.

  Cindy

  As a survivor, you may want to start all over in learning about sexual anatomy. Look at yourself, or a friend or partner, with curiosity. What is this thing, anyway? How does it feel?

  So What Is That Thing? A Lesson in Sexual Anatomy

  Female Sexual Anatomy

  Let’s begin with female anatomy. As you read this section, I encourage you to fol low along—you can look at the illustration, and you can get out a mirror an check yourself out. As a woman, you do not get the opportunity to look at you genitalia often, because they are tucked in between your legs at an angle difficul to see unassisted. Although you may have been hurt in your genitals, there i nothing “wrong” with them. Your genitalia are as unique as the rest of you,< healthy and natural part of your body, just like your hand, your mind, and you face. Take a look. What do you see?

  ILLUSTRATION 2. Female Anatomy

  The entire genital region is called the vulva and includes the clitoris, the labia minora and labia majora, and the vagina. When you take a look at yourself in the mirror, you may first notice your labia majora and labia minora. These are your outer and inner vaginal lips, respectively. The labia majora have hair on them and are the same texture as your skin. The labia minora are hairless and made of mucous membrane, like the inside of your mouth. The inner lips come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Some women’s are symmetrical, while others are asymmetrical, one being much longer or larger than the other. Some women’s inner lips fit within the outer lips, and others hang below the labia majora. What do yours look like? What color are they and what shape? Many survivors feel ashamed of their genitals because of sexu
al abuse. Your vulva deserves no shame. It is a perfectly healthy and important part of you body.

  THE CLITORIS

  With a mirror you can also see your clitoris and clitoral hood. These are tucked near the top of your labia minora. The clitoris is the most sensitive spot on the vulva. You can find it if you feel around in this area. The clitoral hood rides around the clitoris. You may find that your clitoris protrudes out of the clitoral hood or is tucked back within it. If you gently pull back the clitoral hood you’ll see your clitoral glans.

  Feminist health clinicians have helped to redefine the clitoris. We now know that the clitoris is not just the glans and shaft but encompasses a whole structure of erectile tissue, made up of nerves, spongy tissue, and blood vessels, that runs throughout the vulva. You may have seen illustrations in books like A New View of a Woman’s Body or Our Bodies, Ourselves for the New Century, which show the clitoral shaft splitting into two legs, called crura, that extend down through the labia minora around the vagina. If you press one of your labia minora between two fingers and rub slightly back and forth, you may be able to feel a sensitive ridge. This is one of the legs of the crura. If you feel upward from the head of the clit you can feel the clitoral shaft.

  Clits comes in different sizes and sensitivities. Some women enjoy stimulation right on or near the clit, while others do not like to have their clit touched directly at all. Many women report that the clitoris is most sensitive halfway down the left-hand side. If you placed a clock over the clit with noon at the clitoral shaft and six nearer the vagina, this spot would be at three o’clock. Where is your clitoris most sensitive?

  THE VAGINA

  As you continue to explore yourself with the aid of the mirror, you will see the vaginal opening and the vagina. This too is made up of very pliable mucous membrane. The vagina itself is made up of folds of skin that are very expandable. When you are not sexually aroused, the walls of the vagina rest against one another. If you bear down while opening your inner labia with your fingers you can see the urethral opening (where urine comes out) just below the clitoris.

  Different areas of the vagina feel differently when touched. The outer third of the vagina tends to be the most sensitive and responds to motion and movement. Deeper within the vagina, pressure and fullness tend to be more noticeable or satisfying.

  At the back of the vagina is the cervix. This is a small, knoblike fleshy protrusion. A tiny opening in the cervix allows the passage of fluids in and out of the uterus. Menstrual blood flows out through the cervix, and sperm can swim in to impregnate a woman. The cervix dilates during childbirth to allow the baby to be passed out of the uterus through the vaginal canal into the world. Some women like to have their cervix pressed up against during sex. It can be a very particular and intense sensation. Try it for yourself and see what you think.

  The vagina is a self-cleaning system with natural fluids and discharges. If your discharge is a color or smell that is unusual for you, or is accompanied by itching in the area, see a health care practitioner. Otherwise, your discharge is evidence of your cleansing system at work. Douches and other forms of cleansing within the vagina can destroy healthy bacteria. Oil-based lubricants are difficult for the vagina to cleanse and may cause an infection. Use water-based lubricants instead and avoid commercially prepared douches.

  The vagina also self-lubricates when you are aroused. There are ducts and glands that produce lubrication along the walls of the vagina. Some women feel like they produce “too much” lubrication. Bring a towel with you on your sexual excursions; you may be ejaculating and not know it (see the following section for a discussion of female ejaculation). Your lubrication levels will change depending upon where you are in your cycle, and most women produce less lubrication as they age. If you don’t produce enough moisture to make penetration comfortable, use a water-based lubricant.

  THE G-SPOT

  Also within the vaginal passage is the urethral sponge, or G-spot, a spongy conglomeration of blood vessels, erectile tissue and glands surrounding the urethra, the slim tube that carries urine from the bladder. The term G-spot was popularized by obstetrician and gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg, who wrote about the sensual properties of the urethra in 1950.

  The G-spot is located along the front wall of the vaginal passage (closest to your public bone) and can be particularly sensitive to touch and especially sensitive to pressure. It is not really a “spot,” but an area one to two inches in length. Again, bear down while opening your inner labia and you will see your G-spot. You can distinguish this tissue by its texture, which is rougher than the smooth walls of the rest of the vagina.

  Women respond differently to G-spot stimulation. Some women find this touch intense and a great turn-on, while others find G-spot stimulation uncomfortable. Some women do not notice much difference in this area at all. Again, this is a time to explore, either alone or with a partner.

  If you lie on your back, your partner can reach your G-spot by inserting two fingers into your vagina and making a “come hither” motion toward the front wall of your vagina. You can reach your own G-spot with fingers or a firm dildo. Dildos with a ridged area or a curve or bend in the shaft can be particularly good G-spot stimulators. Once you are sexually aroused, your G-spot can also be reached by placing pressure on the abdomen just above the pubic bone and pressing down toward the vaginal opening.

  Some women ejaculate with G-spot stimulation. The ejaculate is watery in substance and is sometimes mistaken for urine. Within the spongy material of the urethra are the paraurethral glands, which are thought to be the origin of the G-spot ejaculate. The theory is that with pressure and stimulation, these glands produce the fluid that is released as ejaculate; just as in men, the ejaculate comes through the urethra. Although there is still some debate as to the exact origin of the ejaculate, the majority of studies have found the fluid chemically distinct from urine. Not all women seem to ejaculate with G-spot stimulation, however. More information about stimulating the G-spot can be found in chapter 10.

  Male Sexual Anatomy

  Men’s sexual anatomy is not drastically different from women’s, when you get right down to it. All fetuses are initially female in their genitalia. Between nine and twelve weeks, the genitalia begin to differentiate. What becomes the clitoris in the female becomes the glans of the penis in the male. While ovaries develop in females, the testes develop in males. The components of male and female sexual anatomy are very similar; they are just arranged differently.

  Male sexual anatomy is made up of the penis, scrotum, and testicles, the seminal vesicle, and the prostate gland. The penis and the scrotum, which contains the testicles (the “balls,” in slang), are the most obvious parts of male sexual anatomy. Let’s start with these.

  THE PENIS AND BALLS

  The penis is made up of spongy erectile tissue and blood vessels. These tissues are organized into two long cylinders called the corpus cavernosa. When a man is sexually aroused, blood flows into these cylinders, filling the spongy tissues. They expand as they fill with blood, compressing shut the veins that carry blood out of the penis, thus creating an erection, or hard-on.

  The urethra, the tube through which urine and semen pass, runs along the bottom of the penis to the urethral opening at the tip. It is surrounded by a cylinder of spongy tissue called the corpus spongiosum.

  The head of the penis is also called the glans. This is the most sensitive part of the penis. The base of the head is called the coronal ridge and is analogous to the clitoris in the woman. The nerves here are not as densely concentrated as the clitoral nerves, however, and therefore the area is not as sensitive. The head of the penis can usually stand more pressure and stimulation than the clitoral glans. The frenulum, a piece of skin on the underside of the coronal ridge between the shaft of the penis and the glans, is also packed with nerves and sensitive for many men.

  The skin covering the penis slides easily back and forth. All men are born with a foreskin, a retractable skin, whic
h covers the glans. When men are circumcised, this skin is cut off, exposing the head. Men with foreskins tend to be more sensitive around the head of the penis than circumcised men.

  The penis has been a frightening piece of male anatomy for many survivors of child sexual abuse. Begin to demystify it for yourself by learning about it in a nonabusive setting. You can look at human anatomy books with pictures. If you have a male partner, you can ask to look at his penis in a nonaroused state. Try to consider the penis as a neutral part of a man’s whole body. It is his person, not his penis, that decides how it will be used. Your perpetrators made very destructive choices.

  ILLUSTRATION 3. Male Anatomy

  If learning more about male sexual anatomy is upsetting for you, this may be a place to work through those triggers (for help, see chapter 11). Even if you do not interact sexually with men, freeing yourself from the fear of male sexuality will greatly benefit you. It can give you freedom in your relationship to your own body and sexuality, and in your relationship to men in general. Holding emotional trauma connected to the anatomy of half of the world’s population requires energy that you can use more creatively in enjoying your life.