The constant scolding of Ki Ha had turned into background noise and didn’t bother me anymore, but we still had to stay on high alert not to be hit in the head by the flying corncobs that came our way once in a while.
At lunchtime, I gave half of my portion to Nari. To my surprise, she didn’t protest. I guessed she knew she was close to her limit. For the rest of the day, I worked twice as fast to cover up for her slow pace, trying not to make it too obvious to Ki Ha… although I wasn’t sure he cared. Partially, it was the guilt that kept me going. Guilt for what had happened to Nari… wishing I would have beaten Chul and Chang Min harder, so they wouldn’t have woken up when Nari approached them.
But what the hell was she doing up there anyway? And why won’t she tell me?
Those kinds of thoughts caused another - very familiar - feeling to grow inside of me. Seeing her so weak and sick… leaving me to do all the work for her… I was back by her sickbed doing all the chores for the family… the place where I had spent my entire miserable childhood. The feeling was too strong to fight, no matter how hard I tried. The feeling was resentment… and that made me feel even more guilty.
And why couldn’t Hana save her? Why did she have to be so selfish? I know she lost her brother and best friend, but that’s no excuse…
The workday progressed slowly in the noisy and smelly watermill, which got hotter and hotter by the hour, but in the afternoon, after the extra water ration, I once more felt strangely invigorated. Nari felt it as well, which made me relieved. I started to think it was some kind of magical water, especially since it still lifted our spirits, even though Ki Ha barely left a mouthful at the bottom of the bucket for us to share. To be honest, I was surprised he left us anything at all, but I guessed he was afraid we would collapse if he didn’t, and he knew he would be punished as well if we failed to fill the quota.
As the day passed, my mind became more and more preoccupied with the collective mourning that night.
What if I can’t cry… again?
I tried not to think about it, but the thoughts kept crawling back into my head. I was envious of Nari. I knew for a fact that I loved the Great General more than she ever had, but still… she had no problem shedding tears at the right moment. She had always been sensitive that way, catching the mood of her surroundings. But that didn’t mean it was her true feelings.
Gradually, my worry turned into fear, and the fear turned into panic. By the end of the day, I would have given anything to continue working a few more hours in the watermill furnace, but our quota was filled, and there was no avoiding what would come next.
Stepping out into the fresh evening air from the steamy stench of the watermill temporarily cooled down my burning head. But the panic was still there. I wanted to stay and breathe for a while - anything to postpone the inevitable - but Nari pulled on my hand, and I reluctantly followed her down the path towards the Bloodyard. With every step, my panic increased. Nari somehow sensed this and comfortingly squeezed my hand.
“It will be okay, Areum,” she said. “Just let the emotions in. Once they’re in… they’ll become your emotions.”
I knew she was trying to help, but her comments only made me annoyed.
Yet another thing that comes so easy for her. For me… she might as well have tried to explain how to breathe underwater…
I kept picturing myself tied to one of the poles like I had seen in my dream. That image scared me to death, but unfortunately, not enough to make me cry. As we neared the main road, the sun was slowly setting behind the Oversight buildings to the west. Up the road, I saw Lucky limping away from the Oversight in the opposite direction.
I wonder if he’s even aware that our Father - the Great General has passed…
At the Bloodyard, I expected them to funnel us into rows like yesterday, but instead, the guards formed us into a semi-circle around the mural. The crowd pushed Nari and me forward, so this time we had no choice but to stand in the front row. Before us stood General Roh and the usual assembly of officers and guards. To my horror, they were not alone.
On the stage in front of the mural of the smiling face of our Father - the Great General, tied to the wooden poles, stood four people with bags over their heads. I heard a low murmur from the crowd all around us.
What’s going on? Aren’t we here to mourn our departed Father?
The Demon of Yodok lifted his hand, and the crowd fell silent.
“It saddens me to be here today,” he said in his usual grave voice. “If even possible, it saddens me more than when I first heard the news of the passing of our Father - the Great General… because now… my heart is not only filled with the pain of having lost my Father… the Father of all of Choson… but now, I also carry the pain and humiliation of disappointing the Great General in his afterlife.”
I looked at the people tied to the poles. They were all barefoot. I noticed some of them had toes missing, and in their place was nothing more than bright red flesh smeared with still-fresh blood. Their clothes were ripped and covered in dark-red stains, and so were the bags over their heads. My whole body shivered as I remembered my dream from last night, picturing myself standing with a bloody bag over my head in their place. Picturing having my toes ripped off my feet.
“Yesterday,” General Roh continued, “we gathered here to mourn our Father… together, as his sons and daughters. I was, however, shocked to see that some of you were not saddened by this horrendous tragedy. Some of you… like these four people here… instead showed a blatant absence of sorrow… absence of pain… absence of… remorse.”
An ice-cold chill pulsated down my spine.
Oh no, oh no, oh no… my worst fear is becoming true! If I don’t cry today… then tomorrow… I WILL BE ONE OF THEM!
General Roh continued, his silvery ghost eye peering right through our souls.
“Last night, we had a conversation with these four individuals after the rest of us had finished giving voice to our bottomless grief. In that conversation… the truth was revealed. We learned… which was exactly what we had feared… that these people do not mourn the passing of our Father… his passing has instead filled them with joy,” a gasp went through the masses like a tidal wave. “It filled them with triumph. They are glad our Father - the Great General is no longer here to watch over us, to protect us… because they are still living in the delusion that it is our enemies who are good… and that we, his loyal subjects, are bad.” The gasp had transformed into a murmur so General Roh raised his hand to silence us. “This is what saddens me on this evening… in this time that should be dedicated to celebrating the memory of the greatest man who has ever lived… it saddens me because ultimately this is my responsibility… you all are my responsibility… and if you don’t pay due respect to our nation’s Father… that means I don’t pay due respect to our nation’s Father, and that is something I cannot allow to happen… not in my re-education camp.”
Without saying anything further, General Roh stepped aside, leaving a clear space between the tied up prisoners and the firing squad, which had formed without me noticing it. Chul and Chang Min were part of it this time as well, but I noticed Chul looked different. He was calmer than before and his hands weren’t shaking. But there was a strange darkness surrounding his aura… as if the innocent boy had been extracted and some dark being had taken over his body. This time, I didn’t feel sorry for him for having to put out the lives of the poor souls in front of him. This time, I fantasized about him being one of them. I pictured him tied to a pole, his mutilated feet missing most of their toes, and with a blood-stained bag tightly wrapped over his head.
Just you wait… soon it will be your turn to face your destiny!
“REMOVE THE BAGS!” Colonel Wan ordered.
My heart almost stopped when I saw the blood-covered swollen lumps that until last night had been their faces. I was brutally thrust out of my fantasies of murdering Chul and sucked back into reality.
Oh, Great General… that will be
me! TOMORROW, THAT WILL BE ME!
A strong nausea ravaged my stomach, and by reflex, I put my hand over my mouth. But I couldn’t take my eyes off the poor souls drawing their last painful breaths in this life. Suddenly, I noticed there was something familiar about one of them. Even in her deformed state, I could distinguish it was a girl… a girl with short hair and a still unwavering and challenging gaze behind her swollen eyes. I gasped. It was Min Ji… from Miss Ae’s class… who had come to the camp on the same day as we had… whom Jun Ha had warned to be careful about her attitude towards the guards. He had known what would happen…
“No, no, no, no, no, no…” my mouth started stuttering on its own accord, and my right foot took a half step forward. Nari pulled my arm back hard and whispered in my ear.
“There’s nothing you can do for her.”
She had recognized her too.
Two tears left my eyes and dripped down on my dirty shirt, one hitting the empty place over my heart where my Great General pin had always kept me calm and safe. I knew she was right. I looked at the other three to see if So Won was among them - or anyone else I knew - and was relieved when I didn’t recognize any of them.
But why did it have to be Min Ji?
“READY!”
“AIM!”
“SHOOT!”
Colonel Wan commanded, and a deafening round of shots echoed against the surrounding mountains. The four prisoners’ heads exploded before us, just like last time, spraying the mural of our beloved Father, with his smile of infinite kindness, with bright red blood mixed with gray brain matter. I shrieked in horror. Because of the senseless carnage before me, but even more because of the unimaginable desecration of my Father’s image.
“READY!”
“AIM!”
“SHOOT!”
The chests of the dead prisoners burst open from the second round, and their blood-soaked upper bodies looked like they bowed down at us as the ropes holding them in place were severed.
“READY!”
“AIM!”
“SHOOT!”
The final ropes around their waists were torn, and the four bodies fell lifelessly to the ground in front of the stage, forming growing puddles of blood underneath them. The gunshots echoed around the mountains for another couple of seconds before the Bloodyard again fell into a tense silence.
I stared, like hypnotized, at my Father - the Great General’s ever-smiling face, covered with long red lines that slowly trickled down from his glasses, his hair, and filled the dimples of his smiling cheeks. My mind refused to believe what I was witnessing.
It can’t be… this is not happening!
The firing squad dispersed and General Roh stepped forward again.
“Thank you, Colonel Wan, for helping us with this unpleasant, but necessary, cleanse. I truly hope we with this have weeded out the last relentless vermin from our midst.” He then turned to the ocean of terrified spectators. “I apologize for this little interruption. You can now commence your mourning.”
General Roh, Colonel Wan, and the other officers retreated to the main Oversight building while a group of guards started to frantically clean the blood off the Great General’s face, and another group lifted the dead bodies and threw them onto a wagon to be transported up to Cemetery Hill.
I didn’t see what happened after that as I was flooded from all sides by the ocean of mourners. A roar was building up. It was low at first but quickly grew stronger. Before long, it was deafening. The ground beneath us trembled. I looked around me to see where it was coming from, but it was everywhere. It traveled like a shockwave through the crowd and finally hit Nari and me like a freight train going at full speed. The entire mass of people virtually exploded in hysteria. People were screaming out in all and any direction… people were lying on the ground convulsing with tears… people were trying to hurt themselves, pulling at their hair… scratching themselves with what was left of their broken fingernails. It was the same scene as the last two nights.
Joining the others, I also screamed at the top of my lungs.
Not from grief.
Not from sorrow.
But from panic.
And from resolve.
No… that will not be me tied to the poles tomorrow. That will not be my blood on the most sacred of faces. I will not be one of them!
I screamed, and I screamed. Louder and louder. Nari was beside me. She was screaming too, her whole face wet from tears and drool. I continued screaming until my throat was sore and I couldn’t scream anymore. Then, to my enormous relief, the tears came. Real tears. All I had to do was to let them out. I didn’t know what they were for - and I didn’t care. The only thing that mattered was that they were there. And once the dam had burst open, the tears continued to flow… and I felt…
… happy!
The feeling of happiness was so intense… so pure… that I just continued crying… forever… my hand firm in Nari’s.
After an infinity of time had passed, it was all over, and The Bloodyard was once more veiled in silence.
Hand in hand, Nari and I followed the slow flow of the masses through the darkness back to the Village of the Strayed.
CHAPTER 15
I helped Nari prepare the food while mom and dad again whispered animatedly in their usual corner. The simmering rice filled our small room with a divine smell that triggered all my senses, but the pleasant feeling was soon pushed away by the stream of flashing images from the Bloodyard replaying before my eyes. To my surprise, the strongest image was not the one of seeing my former classmate being executed. Nor was it those poor souls’ mutilated bodies. The image that consumed my world was the enormous mural of our forever smiling Father with his face completely covered in thick red blood, with long red lines slowly trickling down toward the ground.
How could they do that to the image of our Father? How could they desecrate him like that?
Together with these flashing images, my worst fear re-entered my mind.
I passed their test today… but how about tomorrow? Will the tears come to my rescue then? And how about the day after that? There are eight more days of mourning left…
At that moment, something unlocked inside me, and at once, it all became clear.
I need help… and there’s only one person who can help me!
I raised my eyes, and in my mother’s figure, I no longer saw the broken and undernourished prisoner in worn-out rags sitting hunched over in the corner with my father. I saw my young mother… the renowned actress of the Capital Theater.
I swallowed painfully and then cleared my throat.
“Mom,” I called her before I had time to change my mind.
She looked at me, surprised.
I opened my mouth again, but nothing came out. My heart was racing frantically, and my brain was doing the same in my head.
What if she scolds me? Or… reports me to the guards? I know she’s my mom, but… do I really know her…? Like I thought I knew dad?
I took a deep breath and pushed my fears aside, then opened my eyes and looked at her firmly.
“Mom…. I need your help.”
Mom’s face softened instantly, and a deeply buried part of me remembered the kindness and love I must have experienced once, long ago… in another lifetime.
“What is it, honey?” she said with her softest motherly voice. Dad and Nari looked at me too, making me even more uneasy.
“I… I’m afraid,” I said. “I’m ashamed to say it… I don’t know what you will think of me, but… both yesterday and today… I couldn’t cry… at first, I mean… I… I… had to… pretend… and… I’m afraid… I’m so afraid… if I can’t cry tomorrow, I’ll…”
“Areum,” mom rushed over and sat in front of me. She gently took my hands in hers. “Thank you for telling me… that makes me so proud of you.” She smiled a warm and compassionate smile. “And Areum… you don’t have to be ashamed for pretending… you did what you had to do to stay safe… both for your sake�
� and for your sister’s sake… and we’re very proud of you for that.” Dad nodded from behind her.
I was stunned. I could barely remember two times in my life when my mother had told me she was proud of me, and I would have never imagined she would be proud of me for pretending… especially for something like this!
“You know, when I was an actress, it was my job to show the audience the feelings of my character… whether it was joy, sorrow, grief or fear… none of those were my real feelings, but it was my job to make the audience believe they were. Do you understand? This, what we’re doing now every night, it’s the same thing. It’s a performance. It doesn’t matter what you feel… what’s important is to make your audience… the guards and officers, and the prisoners around you… believe that those are your true feelings. Do you understand, Areum?”
“Are… are you saying that… all those people are… just pretending?” I asked, incredulous.
Mom saw the shock on my face.
“Of course not, Areum… most of them cry sincerely, I’m certain of that… but what I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter who cries sincerely and who doesn’t. I know that you mourn the Great General more than anyone who you saw crying their eyes out tonight… I know your heart is true! That’s what matters… and I have seen you cry… and just because you have difficulties crying in a large group, that doesn’t change your true feelings. It just means your feelings for the Great General are more private… more personal. And that doesn’t make you… or anyone else for that matter… deserve to be up there, tied to those poles. That’s why it’s okay to pretend. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“Yes,” I said hesitantly. “I guess… I understand.”
“I knew you would,” mom said and squeezed my hand.
Deep inside, I still felt like I was betraying my Father. But mom was right - none of us probably deserve to have that happen to us.
Min Ji didn’t deserve that!
I hesitantly looked up at mom.
The Weeping Masses: A Young Adult Dystopian Survival Saga (Juche - Part 3) Page 12
