A couple of hours after lunch, I felt like I was about to collapse. The implacable July sun had turned the watermill into a steaming sauna. The noise of the machinery, the constant scolding by Ki Ha, the nauseating smell of the corn mixture, and the stinking sweat of the giant ogre we were trapped with… it all made me feel sick to my stomach. I threw another glance at Nari. She looked even worse than I felt. Her eyelids were barely half-open and her movements were slowing down.
“Nari,” I pulled her sleeve. “Stay with me… you have to stay strong.”
“I don’t know… how much longer… I can go on…” she mumbled. Her voice was weak and fragile and barely audible over the mechanical thrumming around us.
“You have to go on, Nari… I need you, okay… think of mom and dad… you need to pull through… for all of us.”
“I’ll try,” Nari said, but she looked like she would collapse at any moment.
It was getting darker outside and I remembered about our afternoon break.
“Mr. Moon,” I addressed Ki Ha as respectfully as I could, praying I remembered his family name correctly. “Could we take our afternoon break now? We have been working hard the whole day… my sister really needs—”
“NO BREAKS,” Ki Ha growled. “We all have increased quotas, and we all have to work harder, so stop your whining… if your sister can’t do it, I’ll just put her in the grinder and put her out of her misery… then maybe I’ll get somebody who can actually work. It doesn’t matter who… anyone in Yodok could do a better job than you two.”
I went back to Nari, who had almost passed out over the barrel. I made sure Ki Ha wasn’t looking, then shook her back to life.
“Nari! You need to pull yourself together! It’s only a couple of hours left. You can do it.”
“I… I… I don’t think…”
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
“You have got to be kidding me… more barrels?” Ki Ha slammed the side of the grinder with his giant ogre hand. “They were just here half an hour ago… how the hell do they expect us to fill these crazy quotas like this?” He stormed over and opened the door.
“Water delivery,” a young male voice carried from outside. “Complementary of General Roh.”
“What?” Ki Ha emitted a voice I had never heard before. He sounded astounded.
“It will help you fulfill your new quotas,” the voice continued. “Please bring over a bucket I can fill.”
“You two,” Ki Ha growled at us. “Bring me a bucket!”
I rushed to bring over one that was empty and sufficiently clean and put it on the ground in front of the young guard. He couldn’t have been older than eighteen. He filled it halfway up. His hands were trembling slightly. Maybe he was tired from dragging the water wagon all over camp. Or maybe he was afraid of the giant ogre-man in front of him. I guessed it was the latter, considering the speed with which he spurted away from the watermill once he was finished.
Both Nari and I stood like enchanted, staring down into the half-full bucket. I could almost taste the sweet freshness in the sandy desert that was my mouth. But before it had completed its spell over us, Ki Ha broke it by grunting, “Get back to work,” and then lifted the bucket to his mouth and started gulping down the water with great satisfaction. I was in absolute shock, and my entire body screamed at me to take it from him before it was too late. But Nari pulled my sleeve and forced me to retreat to our work station. We didn’t start working, however. We couldn’t take our eyes off the gulping ogre for a single second.
At this rate, there won’t be anything left for us… for Nari. Then there’s no way she’ll make it through the day…
At once, it was like a switch had flipped inside me. The corncob I had picked up fell out of my hand, and with complete disregard for my own safety, I walked over to the giant man. Nari may have protested behind me, but if she did, I didn’t hear it. Ki Ha didn’t notice me until I was right next to him. His first reaction was surprise, but immediately after, his face turned crimson red and became distorted with anger. He lowered the bucket slowly without taking his glaring eyes off me.
“What the hell… do you think… you’re you doing?” he growled menacingly. “Get… back… to work!”
“T-that water is for us as well,” I stood my ground with my heart pounding through my chest.
Just for an instant, he looked almost amused by what I had said, but that quickly changed back into fury.
“I said GET… BACK… TO WORK!” he thundered from the bottom of his belly. The sheer power of his ogre voice pushed me several steps back. “You drink WHEN and IF I tell you to drink! IS THAT CLEAR?” His bald head was now scarlet, and my survival instinct kicked in just before I pushed him over the line. I quickly turned around and stumbled back to Nari and the barrel of corn, my legs feeling strangely weak. Both our eyes remained fixed on the bucket of water that was quickly diminishing in front of us. My desperation grew by the second, but I saw no scenario where I would defeat the giant.
A few moments later, Ki Ha looked down into the bucket, threw a disgruntled look over at us, and then slammed it down on the ground.
My heart all but stopped.
I can’t believe it… he didn’t leave us even a single drop…
But as he passed us on his way back to the grinder, he grunted, “What’re you waiting for? Get your asses over there and drink! You have one minute… not a second longer!”
Nari and I dropped everything and flew over to the bucket. Looking into it, however, our despair returned in the blink of an eye. There was barely enough left on the bottom for one small gulp.
“You drink it,” I told Nari. “You need your strength. I can manage a few hours more… don’t worry about me.”
“Areum—”
“Don’t argue! Time is running out. Drink!”
Nari gave me a hesitant look, but then lifted the bucket over her head and loudly gulped down the water. As I saw her drink, my thirst reached a nearly unbearable level.
What if I won’t make it…?
When she was finished she lowered the bucket and shoved it into my arms.
“There are a few drops left… this time you don’t argue… drink it! I beg you,” she ordered.
I didn’t argue. I tipped the bucket over my mouth and let the last few sweet drops of water roll over my lips. It was not even half a mouthful, but it felt like paradise. Not even the slightly bitter aftertaste bothered me.
“Break’s over… get your asses back to work,” Ki Ha barked, and we went back to our barrel.
Even if I had only swallowed a few drops, work surprisingly enough seemed easier. Despite the heat and humidity that continued to rise, Nari looked like she had regained some of her strength as well. What was even more strange was that we seemed to get more energy the more we worked. It looked like it had the same effect on Ki Ha as well. He was in a better mood than before, and we got well-needed breaks from the constant scolding. I could hardly believe it myself, but by the time we were finished for the day, I felt like I could go on for several hours more… well, at least one more hour. It was invigorating. Nari felt it too, I could see it on her face.
Maybe General Roh was right… maybe those of us who are worthy of redemption have indeed been filled by the spirit of the Great General… which means Nari is worthy!
We had filled our quotas and could go home to have a quick dinner before the self-criticism session, knowing we would be safe until tomorrow. Of course, we first made a pit stop a bit further down the river where we plunged our heads into the cold water and drank to our heart’s content. It was a strange feeling speeding home with our stomachs bulging with river water splashing around inside.
After finishing our double portions of cabbage and corn soup, we went over to the Center of Ideological Struggle. I was horrified when I realized we would be in the same room where we had seen Jae Eun get a sword thrust through her throat on the night we had arrived. The atmosphere was tenser than anything I had e
ver experienced in a self-criticism session, even during the all-out war I fought with Mina back home in the Capital. In this time of great tragedy, however, there was no bad blood between us. Nari and I sat next to her and Mrs. Choy in the circle on the floor. It was the first time I had seen them since the devastating news about our Father. They looked just as distraught as us. It would be strange if they didn’t.
Sitting on the beautifully polished but painfully hard wooden floor, I tried not to imagine Jae Eun’s blood slowly spreading around my legs. But the image continued to haunt me. Chang Min was standing guard. He didn’t look quite as arrogant this time, but as always, he had a cigarette in the corner of his mouth… even in this sacred room. The image of him attacking me up in the mountains flashed before my eyes, and I felt heat rising through my body. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself.
Just as expected, everybody broke out crying, exclaiming when it was their turn how devastated they were to lose our Father. Each more theatrical than the previous. I did too, but I also felt a growing lump in my stomach.
What a bunch of two-faced liars! They’re just pretending. None of them are feeling what I’m feeling. They make me sick!
After the display of tears, they all shared stories of how they should have worked harder for the Great General… how they had failed him… but how they now felt the spirit of our Father filling them, proving to them that they’re worthy. I basically said the same things. But in my case - it was true.
As I left the self-criticism session, I tried to shake the anger and disdain for the shameless liars surrounding me. I didn’t want to have this feeling inside me when we collectively mourned our departed Father in the Bloodyard. It wouldn’t feel right, knowing he watched me from the mesmerizing mural behind the execution poles. Luckily, due to the intense work in the steaming watermill, and my constant worry about Nari, I didn’t have the energy to keep it festering in my mind, and the grief and shock struck me again with full force. With the pain once more pulsating from my heart and throughout my entire body, I walked hand in hand with Nari towards the Oversight. The sun was gone, and the sky had filled with ominous dark clouds.
The way we gathered in the Bloodyard was different from previous times. Instead of standing in the normal half-circle in front of the execution poles, the guards funneled us into a line about six people wide, leading to the magnificent mural of the smiling Great General. His bespectacled face, framed by his distinguished gray and white hair elegantly combed back, radiated infinite fatherly warmth, which today filled me with nothing but infinite sorrow.
The closer we got to the mural, the louder the wailing of the crowd grew and continued to grow until it reached the same deafening apex as last night. The faces of the people on the sides who had already paid their respect to the mural were distorted by tears and agony.
It all became so real to me again. Our Father had passed and left us alone.
The people around me had already broken out in tears, shivering and trembling, barely able to stand. Some were passed out on the ground, but also they had their faces distorted by tears and suffering. I looked over at Nari, whose hand I was still holding. Tears streamed down her face as well.
I felt the unimaginable pain in my heart. I felt the endless sorrow of having lost my only true Father.
But… I couldn’t cry.
Horror suddenly struck me. My eyes were bone dry. I looked around me with panic in my chest, my horror amplifying by the millisecond.
Great General… I’m the only person here not crying…
I was in complete hysteria. I saw the guards on the side of the crowd. Today they didn’t cry. Instead, their scanning glares searched the crowd for deviants. They searched for… me.
I instantly came to a horrifying realization.
I have to pretend. There is no other way…
“Uhuu,” I squeezed out of my mouth like I was trying to kick-start a tear engine. I made the sound again. And then again. And again. I distorted my face like the people around me. I squeezed my eyes until they hurt… but nothing. They were still bone dry.
They will see me! I’m done for!
“NOOOOOOO…” I screamed as loudly and as convincingly as I could, and then threw my face forward and buried it in my hands, while I convulsed my body and continued to make loud sobbing sounds. With my head bend down, I quickly spat on my hand and smeared the saliva around my eyes. It wasn’t enough, so I did it again. I wailed harder and louder. My eyes turned sticky from all the saliva. Then I straightened up, exposing my now wet face.
I was in a state of complete panic.
Will the guards buy it? Will all the informants around me buy it?
Then all of a sudden, I laid eyes on it.
The enormous mural of the Great General smiling with infinite kindness occupied my entire field of vision. It was the most beautiful image I had ever seen in my life. I had seen this face of pure goodness a million times before, but maybe because of the pure size of it… or because of the lighting or the colors… or because it was surrounded by hordes of wailing people, the impression was breathtaking.
I felt something wet on my cheeks.
Tears.
Real tears.
My lips started trembling, and the rest of my body followed. I lost control. I cried inconsolably. Like a newborn baby whose mother had just left the room. Like yesterday, I was swooped up in the stormy ocean of agony, pain, and endless sorrow. The deafening sobbing and desperate outcries, and the enormous smiling face of our departed Father occupied all my senses. Time ceased to exist.
I don’t know for how long I drifted on the waves of this ocean of grief and wailing, wishing it was not true… that this was all just a horrible dream… but suddenly there was a movement in the crowd. The guards had started to advance. It was time to leave. I found Nari next to me. Her eyes were red and swollen. I grabbed her hand and pulled her with me, following the flow of the crowd. This time, we didn’t divert but followed the stream of sobbing new orphans of Choson down the main road, home to our barracks and houses.
There were no shots fired this time either. No guards beating up prisoners.
Though tense, the atmosphere was solemn and reverent.
It was first when we arrived home and Nari started to prepare dinner that I realized how ferociously hungry and thirsty I was. I threw myself over our water pot and swallowed half of it in a matter of seconds. Nari looked at me worriedly but didn’t say anything.
Mom and dad came home shortly after. They hurried to ask if we were okay. Their eyes were swollen and red like ours. I nodded, but Nari rushed over and hugged them. She started crying again.
Of course, I wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. I remembered with horror what had happened earlier.
I hadn’t been able to cry!
What’s wrong with me? Have I been wrong about myself? Could it be that I’m one of them? One of the Strayed…?
Then another, even more horrifying, thought occurred in my mind.
What if… it happens again tomorrow?
Dark thoughts swirled around my mind at a rampant pace, but before even finishing my bowl of rice, corn, and cabbage, my concerns faded and were replaced by indescribable fatigue. I felt sleepier than I had ever felt before in my life. I could feel all the energy drain from my head… and then from the rest of my body… like something was leaving my system.
As soon as the last grain of rice had passed my lips, I let my head fall onto the pile of rags that served as my pillow and fell into a deep but restless sleep.
In my dream, I was tied to a pole in front of an enormous mural of my Father.
And then it all went black.
CHAPTER 14
I woke up in the middle of the night from yet another nightmare. Pressing my head against my sweat-soaked rag pillow, I had the ever-present feeling of guilt for not having been able to cry during the mourning ceremony. I was also terrified I would get caught pretending to mourn the loss of our Father, even thou
gh I did mourn his loss with all my heart. I sighed deeply and picked up the Great General pin, that had fallen out of my hand while I was sleeping.
I opened my eyes, but I couldn’t see much. The room was still veiled in darkness. I could hear mom and dad’s slow breathing from their quilts by the other wall, but I couldn’t be certain if they were sleeping or not. I turned around to go back to sleep, but in the pale moonlight streaming in through a crack in the ceiling, I suddenly noticed that Nari’s bed was empty.
All the sleepiness left my body in an instant and I panicked.
Have they gotten her while we were sleeping? Have they dragged her down to…?
I jumped to my feet, but just then, the door opened and Nari appeared in the doorway. She wasn’t wearing her glasses, and her face under her short messy hair looked ghostly pale and sick in the moonlight. She wiped her mouth with her hand.
“Are you okay?” I asked. For a moment, I wasn’t sure if I was awake or still dreaming.
Nari, who hadn’t noticed me at first, flinched and had to suppress a scream.
“You scared me,” she whispered.
“Are you okay?” I asked again. “What were you doing outside?”
“Nothing… just… go back to sleep.”
“But—”
“Go back to sleep, Areum… it’s nothing… I just needed some fresh air.”
She lay down on her quilt with her back turned to me. I didn’t ask again, but the sudden surge of adrenaline kept me up for the rest of the night, even though I tried to calm myself by rationalizing what I had seen.
Maybe she’s fine… maybe it was just the way the moonlight fell on her face… maybe she just had to go to the toilet… maybe…
The next day in the watermill, I was exhausted from the lack of sleep but kept worriedly observing Nari. My theory had been wrong - she looked just as pale and sick in the daylight as she had in the moonlight - but when I asked her how she felt, she just snapped that she was fine and averted her eyes. That did nothing to reassure me.
If she doesn’t get better, I’ll go and get Mrs. Choy to check her out. Nari won’t refuse if Mina is there…
The Weeping Masses: A Young Adult Dystopian Survival Saga (Juche - Part 3) Page 11
