I was fire and flames inside. The whole situation was surreal.
Can I really sit here and watch our father thank his baby girl’s rapist? I can’t… I CAN’T!
Nari gave me a cautioning look, like she was reading my mind through our latent twin connection.
“Well… that was all I needed to say… I… I just wanted you to—” Chul started, but at that very moment, mom came in through the door.
She looked at us all, surprised, but she didn’t get scared. I knew why. As far as she knew, Chul was the only nice guard in the camp, and he had been looking out for Nari and me.
If she only knew…
“Oh, good evening, Sir,” she greeted him with a faint bow and a tired smile.
“Good evening, Mrs. Kim… I was just about to—”
“Sun Hee… it’s this young man who has been giving us the extra food rations all this time,” dad interjected.
“Really?” Mom looked at him with utter surprise. “I can’t believe it… we have been racking our brains to figure out what that was all about… I… I don’t know how to thank you… you have no idea what a lifesaver you have been… we’re truly grateful for it, Private…?”
“Gang,” Chul said, his face bordering on crimson. “Private Gang… but there really is no need…” He started slowly moving towards the door, which was still blocked by mom. “The reason I came here was because… well… I was sorry to have to inform you that… I can’t give you the extra rations any longer… restrictions from the top… I tried, but it’s just not possible anymore… there was nothing I could do about it…”
He apologetically shrugged his shoulders and extended his trembling hand past mom toward the doorknob.
Mom took half a step to the side, but it didn’t give him enough free space to pass. She was still struggling to wrap her head around what was going on and wasn’t ready to end the conversation just yet.
“Oh, I see,” she said, “I’m sorry to hear that… but really… thank you anyway, Private Gang… but… “
“No need to thank me, really… well… I’ll let you get your rest.” He quickly opened the door, forcing mom to take another half-step back. “Sorry for disturbing you so late… goodnight.”
“May I ask?” mom stopped him halfway through the door. “Just… why did you give us extra rations?”
A massive dose of adrenaline was released into my bloodstream. The moment of truth was close. I could almost taste it. Nari, on the other hand, looked completely terrified.
“Well, I… I know your daughters, and… I know Nari’s sick… so I… just thought you might need some extra help, but I… I really have to…”
Mom looked even more puzzled by this incoherent rambling but didn’t want to pursue it any further, so she just smiled at him goodbye and backed away from the door, finally letting the crimson and abundantly sweating Chul take his final step to freedom.
At that moment, I exploded.
“IT WAS HIM!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, jumping to my feet and pointing my trembling finger at the scared little boy on the other side of the threshold. I could hardly breathe and my heart felt like it was trying to break through my ribcage. Everybody stared at me, and the terror on Nari’s face was perfectly mirrored on Chul’s deep-red face. “It was him… he was the one who raped Nari.”
Mom and dad gasped as they stared at Nari and Chul with bulging eyes.
“W-what…?” mom’s lips trembled.
“And before that, he tried to rape me,” I spat. “He and the other guard… Chang Min… up in the mountains… IT WAS THEM!” My face was on fire and every vein in my body was throbbing.
Mom and dad stared at me. Then they stared at Chul. Then at Nari. Then once more back at me.
“Is… is that true?” mom asked Nari in a weak and broken voice that I had never heard before.
Nari looked down at the ground and hesitated for a while. Then she nodded.
“Oh, Great General!” both mom and dad gasped again.
Mom lost the strength in her legs and collapsed on the floor. Chul just stood there, the white teeth in his open mouth contrasting his dark blood-filled face, looking like he was waiting for the first hail of bullets from a firing squad.
“I… I… I…” he stuttered. “I’m so sorry… I… I…”
“I think we have to ask you to leave now,” dad said through his gritted teeth.
“I… I… I just…”
“Please… I’m begging you…”
This time it was mom. She looked straight into his eyes and I knew that I, at last, didn’t have to carry this unbearable hatred alone anymore. “Leave us alone! Please! Just leave us alone!”
“I… I…” Chul stuttered a couple of more times, his face glistening from sweat… and maybe tears. He looked like he had shrunk a whole head where he stood in the doorway like a frightened little girl.
He swallowed loudly, threw a scared glance at Nari and me, then took the final reluctant step to freedom and closed the door behind him.
CHAPTER 22
The room lay in silence for a while. Nobody moved an inch… not even a breath was heard. Then Nari started to cry. That broke the spell over us, and both mom and dad rushed over to embrace her.
“I’m sorry,” Nari whimpered. “I’m so sorry…”
“Shh,” mom comforted her. “There is nothing to be sorry about… it’s not your fault… it’s all over now.”
Mom stroked Nari’s hair while she continued sobbing with her face pressed against her mother’s chest. Dad sat on the other side and stroked her back.
I sat in silence, wondering how this would affect our lives.
After a while, mom turned to me.
“Areum… did you say he… tried to rape you as well?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “He and the other guard… Chang Min… but I fought them off and ran away.”
“I don’t understand,” mom shook her head, her brows deeply furrowed. “How did Nari get involved in all of this? And… I thought you said Chul was the only nice guard here… that he was looking out for you…?”
“I… I don’t know,” I said. “I thought he was nice… but I guess it was all just an act… and I don’t know how Nari got involved… she must have appeared somehow afterward… I never saw her…”
I got the uncomfortable feeling I was defending myself again. I also remembered the story Hana told had me - that she witnessed everything without stepping in - but I thought retelling that would only complicate things even further.
“It’s not Areum’s fault,” Nari mumbled from mom’s chest. “It was me… I thought I could fix it…”
“Fix what? What are you talking about?” mom’s tone was becoming agitated.
“Mom, please… just leave it alone!” Nari sat up. “What’s done is done… we can’t do anything about it now. Please, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Just hold me… okay, Mom?”
“Of course, honey,” mom said as Nari lay back down on her chest. “It’s okay… everything is okay…”
Mom stroked Nari’s hair until she fell asleep, and then the rest of us also went to bed. I gently placed the Great General pin in my hand and was suddenly reminded of the pain in my finger. It was still swollen and slightly pulsating but not as much as before. At least it wasn’t bleeding anymore.
I sat for a while, staring at the pin depicting the smiling face of my Father - the Great General in front of a billowing red flag that glistened softly from the light of the dying fire. I couldn’t understand it. How could a place like this exist… and atrocities like these happen… in the perfect paradise He created? And how could our eternal ruler suddenly die? Could He die all along? Why is nobody explaining what happened? And why is nobody telling us who’s ruling Choson now that our eternal leader is gone?
A pang of deep sadness and hollowness inside me added to the pain pulsating through my body from my finger. And if that wasn’t enough - when I closed my eyes, I saw Chul’s drunken eyes and s
melled his drunken breath in the clearing up in the mountains. I quickly opened my eyes again and continued staring at the pin. Before long, the fire died and complete darkness veiled the room and my Father - the Great General on the pin with it.
Consumed by pain and emptiness, I clenched the pin in my hand and lay down on my hard quilt. In the darkness, it didn’t matter if my eyes were open or closed. Before me, I saw Chul coming at me… wrestling me down to the ground… ripping my shirt open. My body cringed. Then Chul was gone and in his place appeared Chang Min… twice as large as I knew he was. He pushed me down to the ground where I hit my head on a rock.
I don’t know how long this agony continued or if I was awake or dreaming, but finally, the perpetual attacks of the two drunk men started fading. Then they stopped completely. Left was only emptiness and pain as I drifted off to dreamless sleep.
At least the truth is out now…
When we woke up the next morning, mom was still there and had made us breakfast.
“Mom… won’t you be punished?” Nari asked cautiously.
“Don’t worry about me… I will tell them I had a family emergency… they will understand.”
I looked at her dumbfounded.
Is that really how things work here?
“Look, girls,” mom said as we started eating. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be feeling after what you have gone through… it’s just horrible, for lack of a better word, and… I keep thinking there must have been something I could have done to prevent it… I don’t know… but what’s important is that we make sure this doesn’t happen ever again, okay? Both of you need to be extremely careful from now on. Don’t trust anyone… even if they seem nice, like Private Gang. Never walk alone… only go to work and come back… don’t go anywhere else for any reason. I… I’m away the whole day… and your father too, so we can’t be here to protect you… it’s up to you two… especially you, Areum… you’re the strong one… you have to keep the both of you safe. Can you promise me that? Please?”
“Yes, Mom,” I said and Nari nodded too.
“Thank you,” she sighed. “I’m sorry, but I have to go to work now. Be safe, girls! Remember your promise. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom,” Nari said.
I said, “Goodbye.”
I hadn’t broken through that wall yet.
At work, under the cloudy sky, Nari again looked both sick and worried. The pain in my finger was still bothering me, but it didn’t start bleeding again, and I had gotten accustomed to working only using my other nine fingers.
Chul appeared by the cornfield on and off and was throwing glances at Nari and me. I tried my best not to pay him any attention, but it didn’t become easier by the visions of him and Chang Min flashing before me in my mind whenever I closed my eyes. I was, however, glad the truth was out… and it had made me even more determined to exact our vengeance. However, now that I no longer worked in the watermill with its enormous body-crushing cogwheels, I had no idea how to go about it.
Before noon, my murderous fantasies were interrupted by Nari vomiting again, and my rage was replaced by panic and concern. I crouched down to help her and to block the view from the other workers. There was no need to fuel their hatred even further. This time, however, Nari didn’t collapse on the ground afterward - she just dropped her glasses on the ground, which I helped her pick up - and could immediately go back to harvesting. I made sure she was okay, but I didn’t make any further comments. I didn’t have the strength to have her get angry at me again and say it was nothing.
Nari’s health was, nevertheless, not my only concern at the moment. I knew I had to give Chul some kind of information about somebody today… otherwise, there would be consequences. I racked my brain and looked around at the people in my work unit. I didn’t know any of them and was even less aware of any secrets they might have, let alone if they had broken any of the Sacred Rules. If I was going to inform on anybody, it should at least be somebody who deserved it. My mind suddenly went to Ki Ha, the bald giant ogre in the watermill, but apart from being a mean bastard - the only thing there was no rule against in Yodok - I couldn’t think of any offense he might have committed.
I was stuck.
During the lunch break, Chul came over to my log where I sat with my watery, flavorless cabbage soup, trying to ignore the lingering aftertaste of mold. For the first time since Nari’s rape, my first impulse was not to punch his teeth in and strangle him.
This time, I was worried.
Genuinely worried.
“You don’t have anything, do you?” Chul said in a low voice, making him sound less feminine than usual.
“No.”
Chul sighed.
“You have to give me something today, you know that right?”
“I know, I know… but really… I haven’t seen or heard anything… what can I report?”
I also sighed as Chul gave me a serious look.
“Here’s the thing, Areum… everybody in here informs on everybody, that’s how people get by. But that doesn’t mean that everyone who gets informed on have done what they’re accused of. Understand?”
I looked at him surprised. That thought had honestly not occurred to me until now.
“So… I should lie?” I furrowed my brows.
“Yes,” he said flatly. “If you want to survive but don’t have any real information, you have to make something up… that’s your only choice.”
I followed the slow flow of the river in the distance behind the fields with my eyes. Its glistening water created a shiny line between the towering mountain ridge behind it and the green-yellow cornfield in front of it. It was an unsuitably beautiful backdrop to the nightmare residing within its enclosure.
“What will happen to them?” I asked. “To the ones I inform on?”
“Depends on the offense. For minor things, they will just get their rations cut. But I don’t think General Roh will be content with you reporting things like that… at least not all the time. I think he expects something bigger from you. So they will be tortured for sure… not necessarily executed, though, but as I said… it depends on the offense. And on the interrogator as well. If they have the misfortune of falling into Colonel Wan’s clutches… well, you probably have a pretty good idea yourself by now how it will go.”
For an instant, I was back in Colonel Wan’s chair in the Center of Truth with the sharp metal pin slowly being inserted under my fingernail. A shot of pain swept through my entire body and I shuddered.
“So the next words out of my mouth will either lead to me being tortured and possibly executed or some other poor soul being tortured and possibly executed.”
“That pretty much sums it up,” Chul lit a cigarette with trembling hands. “I know it’s horrible… beyond horrible… but that’s the way it is, you know… and it’s the way it has to be… if nobody trusts each other, nobody can join forces and revolt… that’s the only way they can make this place work… just don’t tell anyone I said so,” he threw me a worried glance.
I put my empty bowl on the ground and crossed my legs on top of the log. The smoke from Chul’s cigarette stung my eyes and nose, but I didn’t dislike the smell. It reminded me of Su Mi’s mother and their apartment in the Capital. In the distance, I could vaguely hear the familiar soft splashing of the waterwheel.
“There is one guy,” I said hesitantly. “He made our lives miserable before… but I don’t know if he deserves—”
“If you think of people… I mean, prisoners,” he added with a guilty tone, “who you know are bad… is he the first person who comes to mind?”
“Yes,” I said, and it was true… if I only thought of the prisoners.
“Is he a unit leader? Or do you know if he’s also an informant? That would complicate things.”
“He’s not a leader… but I don’t know if he’s an informant.”
“Okay,” Chul said. “Give me his name, I will check it out. Then we can come u
p with a story together… at least this first time.”
I sighed deeply.
“It’s… Moon Ki Ha… the big guy in the watermill.”
Chul chuckled.
“Yeah… he’s a real asshole… and he hates my guts, too. I don’t think he’s an informant for anybody, but I’ll check it out. Let’s meet up after the workday has finished, and we can agree on what offense he has committed. Then we’ll go to my supervisor together and tell him about it. Okay? General Roh is surely keeping an eye on you, but I don’t report to him directly.”
“Okay,” I said, but I felt my intestines twisting into a hard knot inside me.
The rest of the workday was agonizing. The clouds disappeared from the sky and the pressing heat from the naked sun returned in full force. Nari was barely able to stand up straight, so I had to work even faster than usual to fill our quotas. The extra water rations that came in the afternoon helped, but not enough. Our unit leader, Mr. Ma, and the other unit members continued to throw angry glances at us as we kept falling behind the rest, but my main worry was now what I needed to do afterward.
I went through the ten Sacred Rules in my head, but every single of them would get Ki Ha tortured and executed. On the other hand, if I didn’t give them valuable enough information, I knew Colonel Wan would finally get his way with me.
In the end, the only thing that made sense was to say I had seen him steal food. He definitely had access to it, being alone in the watermill the whole day. As I reluctantly made the inevitable decision, I hoped his punishment wouldn’t be too severe… I didn’t want his death on my conscience. But, of course, I knew it would be.
When the workday had finished, I told Chul I would be right back and walked Nari home, like we had promised mom. Afterward, we met up again by the School of Juche. I had to walk there alone. I didn’t have any choice.
“It’s all clear,” Chul said. “Ki Ha is not an informant for anybody.”
I felt a strange sensation of relief mixed with guilt.
“Have you decided on an allegation yet?”
“Stealing food,” I sighed. “You know… from the watermill.”
The Weeping Masses: A Young Adult Dystopian Survival Saga (Juche - Part 3) Page 18
