Elizabeth glanced at Jane and sighed. “They’re foolish thoughts, and I would not wish other people to know.” She stared out over the valley. “But I cannot get the admiral out of my mind. I have no reason to think we were anything but a nuisance to him, no intimation that he might wish to call upon me — yet I think of him all the time.”
“Oh dear! How can we help you to forget the whole affair?” Jane looked troubled. “It’s been many weeks now; nothing is going to change after so long.”
“I know. I just keep telling myself he has had orders to go to sea and I need to be more patient.” She turned, rather desperately, to look at Jane. “What if I don’t wait, and he returns? Or, if I do wait, and he has been lost at sea and I never hear of it?” She scuffed the dusty stones on the path with her shoe. “Even Charlotte is beginning to get over things now she is home.”
“Come on, let’s walk faster.” Jane drew her forward. “There is the assembly next week. You must go and dance your heart out. That will help to draw a line under your time away, perhaps.”
Elizabeth shrugged. “I do intend to do what you advise. But it’s going to be so different. Sir William was always bustling around, organising everything.” She shook her head. “I’m almost glad that the Lucas family won’t be there. Their mourning has a few more weeks to run.”
Jane nodded. “I know. Although Maria is unhappy about it.”
The silence was companionable between them as they continued on towards the Mount. Not for anything would Elizabeth admit to Jane that beside her, keeping pace, was an imaginary figure, his balance adapting to the swell of the ocean.
She could almost smell the sea. If he returned, could she bear the life of the wife of a seagoing officer? Staying at home, alone, never hearing what was happening, living in dread of receiving terrible news?
How could she live like that? But what if he offered to leave the sea, could somehow afford to live a comfortable life? What then?
Sadly, she knew she could not ask that of him. He might be willing to do it for her, but he must always resent it.
She shook herself and speeded up. She was being foolish. Why plan for his return and perhaps an offer when it was not going to happen? He had never given her the slightest indication that he was looking at her as anything other than another problem to solve. Of course she’d never see him again and she must stop dreaming of things that could never be.
Jane’s demeanour changed. “You’ve made up your mind.”
“I have, Jane. And you will have noticed that I’ve decided to stop even thinking of him!”
“Good! Now, can we stop soon, so that I can rest my feet a little?”
Elizabeth hugged her sister. “Thank you for walking with me this morning. I needed it.”
“That’s why we are more than sisters, you and I.” Jane sat on the log and slipped her shoe off to rub her foot. “Would it trouble you very much if we turned for home? I’m in need of a cup of tea.”
15
Darcy paced up and down the waiting room at the Admiralty. It didn’t seem as if two months had passed since he’d last been here. He smiled ruefully. Back in June, he’d considered this appointment likely to last at least a year. However, good fortune had accompanied him and the first sea battle had yielded not one, but two gold ships, and a further three smaller warships. He’d been fortunate that his captains had followed his lead as the enemy guard frigates had swept down the sides of his convoy, where the gun ports had been closed and they’d assumed them unready.
He shuddered, it had seemed like — no. It had been slaughter. A single whistle, and the ports had opened on all three decks as if one; the guns run out and fired within a moment. Both frigates had been stopped dead in the water by the sheer weight of the broadsides, before falling away and sinking without a shot fired. The other ships had struck to him without a murmur.
Coming home had been a slow and careful journey. His squadron surrounded the prize ships, his crews spread out among them all. Many of the professional sailors had been ready enough to serve under his flag, although the senior officers were not to be trusted and were locked below.
He’d taken the whole flotilla into Portsmouth, to the astonishment — and dismay — of the port admiral.
“Why not take the gold directly to London, Darcy?” he’d blustered. “It would be safer than here.”
Darcy had shaken his head. “The Channel squadron is under strength. The French have eyes and spies everywhere. This quantity of gold would be worth breaking the blockade for — and sending ships over to the Americas while we were occupied in protecting it.” He’d smiled thinly. “I was tasked with bringing the gold to England. I hope you can find the security for it until the army arrive to recover it.”
“It’ll still have to be sailed round to be unloaded,” the man had grumbled, but Darcy wasn’t listening. The man would soon realise the impracticality of his thoughts. But Darcy had his warrant proving delivery of the gold and his prizes to the port, and he was going to ride ahead to London with his evidence.
He’d returned briefly to his flagship to speak to the captain.
“All right, Mr. Jamieson. I think it likely that you’ll be sailing long before I return, so I must charge you with providing me a list of the officers and crew — men of the whole squadron. Send it to me care of the Admiralty. I believe there will be considerable prize money.”
“Thank you, sir. You’re very generous.”
Darcy nodded. “See to it the men get their fair shares.” He shook the man’s hand. “It has been a pleasure working with you. I’m sure you’ll go far.”
Now he was here. He had finalised everything, and now he was going to retire. He stared out of the window, and wondered what Pinkerton would say.
The door opened and Pinkerton’s flag lieutenant bowed. “The admiral is ready to see you now, sir.”
Darcy nodded, glad he’d never had an appointment as a flag lieutenant. A glorified clerk, that’s all they were, and despised when on board ship, too. Nor had he ever taken a man on such an appointment, despite many petitions from wealthy families.
He entered the great office and saluted. The flag lieutenant placed a bundle of papers on the desk in front of his flag officer, and withdrew silently, closing the door behind him.
“Come and pour us both a brandy, Darcy,” boomed the other. “And then sit down and tell me what really happened. Those reports you sent can’t possibly be true.”
Darcy stiffened. “I assure you, sir …”
Pinkerton’s hearty laugh made him take a deep breath. He must stay calm.
“Don’t worry, Darcy. All that gold means you can do nothing wrong. In fact, when you leave here, you’re to go to Carlton House. The Regent wishes to thank you personally.”
Darcy raised his eyebrows and carefully put down his untouched drink. He had better keep his wits about him. “In that case, perhaps I ought to make my request now, sir; before anything else is discussed.”
Pinkerton sat up suddenly, his face reddening. “I hope you’re not asking for a shore appointment, Darcy! You cannot be spared from your skills at sea. You will be getting a bigger squadron, though. Far more than your rank normally commands!”
“No, sir. I am not requesting a shore appointment. I am intending to relinquish my appointment and retire from the service.”
He could not have said anything to surprise the other more. Pinkerton went pale. “But … but …” he spluttered.
Darcy did not let him gather his resources. “As you said, I have been fortunate. However, one’s luck can often run out. A musket ball from a sniper during this engagement cost me a good jacket and a large area of skin from my shoulder. I may not be so lucky next time. And my sister is unhappy in the care of my brothers. I must leave the service and make a home for her.”
Pinkerton scowled and sank the brandy remaining in his glass. “You might as well drink yours, Darcy. The Regent is going to be very unhappy.”
Darcy shrugged. “
I think it will be better to keep a clear head, sir. But my orders were to acquire gold. I believe I have exceeded any expectations. I’ve added to the number of prize ships, and been timely in returning, to free up the squadron for other duties.” He rose to his feet. “If I had been lost in the battle, if I had been standing only a few inches further over, the Navy would have had to manage. There are many very able officers who can replace me.”
“Sit down, man! I have not accepted that you’re leaving yet.” Pinkerton glared at him. “What will the Regent say when he finds out your intention, eh?”
“Perhaps I will find out, sir.” Darcy was tired of this. He wanted to go home, see Georgiana, and then make his way to Hertfordshire. Two months. Two months he’d had to wait.
He wondered if Elizabeth had wondered why he hadn’t appeared, if she’d been concerned for his safety. He hoped she had not thought he’d abandoned her. Several times he’d wanted to pen a letter to her uncle in Cheapside, to ask him to inform her that he was on secret orders and not free to call upon her yet. But he had never met the man, and didn’t want Elizabeth to be embarrassed if questions were asked.
Again and again he’d relived their last few meetings, and he’d begun to wonder if she had known of his interest as he’d assumed she had.
Now the time was nearly here when he could find out, could speak to her without the constraints of his rank and duty. He could not wait for the wheels of bureaucracy to continue to wind slowly.
16
Elizabeth sat on the bench underneath the gnarled old apple tree in the garden. She stared at the pages of her book, not able to make sense of a single word.
Two months she had been here. More than three months since that terrible night when she was convinced she would drown. But she couldn’t keep talking about it. The family were no longer interested; Elizabeth hadn’t drowned, and she was uninjured, so there was nothing further to talk about.
But she couldn’t shake from her soul that sadness; that somehow, even though her life had been saved, she’d lost something incalculably more valuable, something she’d not even realised she’d found.
Her heart was lost to the Admiral, and it didn’t matter whether it was because he’d been the cause of her life being saved, or because he’d stirred her affections during those long days on board ship. Certainly his gentlemanlike manner and his unfailing courtesy were the sort of attentions she wasn’t used to at home. The difference of shipboard life had also impressed her. His skill, knowledge, and effortless courage all melded together with his tall, upright figure, his handsome face, and …
She jumped to her feet, the book falling from her lap. His tall, upright figure, his handsome face, and … those tantalising, dark, and concerned eyes, as they gazed into hers.
She shivered, and hurried indoors, up to her chamber. She must change something. Staying here at Longbourn, as if nothing had changed, nothing had happened — it was the wrong thing to do.
She seized her pen and a sheet of writing paper.
Dearest Aunt Gardiner,
May I come to London and stay with you? I think I will go mad if I have to stay here any longer. I cannot put things out of my mind, and yet, I cannot talk about them to the family, who want me to be back to the usual ‘sunny and cheerful Lizzy’ they expect me to be.
You have met the admiral, you know how compelling a person he is. Yet I know that I must forget him and build my life anew. How am I to do that, Aunt?
I’d like to come and have the opportunity to hear your wisdom on this matter. I will do my best not to be too dreary, and I’ll help you with the children.
I’m smiling now. I hope my promise is enough for you to invite me to London.
And I will do everything you tell me in order to get over this time that I can’t forget. Because I need to do something. Only you can help me, I think.
Please invite me,
Your ever-loving
Lizzy.
The next evening, Elizabeth helped Jane dress for the assembly. The noise from her youngest two sisters was indescribable, and Mama was adding to the general chaos.
“You need to get ready yourself, Lizzy.” Jane looked at her through the mirror. “There isn’t much time left.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “I have decided not to go tonight, Jane. It doesn’t seem right.”
Her sister swung round on the chair to stare at her. “But, Lizzy! We talked about it. We thought it would help cheer you up a little.”
“I know,” Elizabeth said slowly. “But I have spoken to Papa, and Mama, too. I am going to walk to Lucas Lodge and sit with them this evening.”
Jane reached out and touched her hand. “That is such a thoughtful thing to do. But I think it will be difficult for you.”
Elizabeth nodded. “It’ll be difficult for all of us, I expect. But I am not afraid of weeping if it seems the right thing to do. Perhaps it will help me as well as Charlotte and her mother.”
Jane bit her lip. “Actually, I suppose it does seem the right thing to do — although I will miss your company at the dance.”
Elizabeth smiled at her. “There will be more dances. I think, for the Lucases, this first one will be the worst.”
It hadn’t been easy, Elizabeth admitted to herself as she walked back home in the gathering gloom. Charlotte was still not really herself, but she was attempting to act a little more normally. But Lady Lucas made little attempt to do anything. It seemed she couldn’t accept Sir William was dead. In vain did Elizabeth and Charlotte say that they had been there, that the storm had been so bad that the mast had crashed down, right on the cabin where her husband had been.
Elizabeth held her hand tightly. “He was killed instantly, Lady Lucas. He would not have suffered at all. Would he, Charlotte?”
She patted the trembling hands. “And you know, he’d been so happy to give Charlotte the tour. It made him the proudest of men. You must be very proud of him.”
“I can’t believe it, Lizzy.” The anguished face looked up at her. “Why didn’t you manage to bring him home to me? If I had to lose him, I would want to bury him.”
Elizabeth knew the tears were running down her face, too. “I’m sorry; so sorry. But the storm was terrible and the ship was sinking. It was a struggle getting out of the cabin we were in. If a sailor hadn’t sacrificed his own life to help me, neither Charlotte nor I would have escaped.” She shivered at the memory.
“I must go; it’s getting dark.”
Charlotte came to the door with her. “Thank you for coming here tonight instead of going to the assembly, Lizzy. It’s really helped.”
Elizabeth hugged her friend. “I don’t know just how I can help. I can’t make it not happen.”
Her friend nodded. “I know. But I understand why Mother feels this way. It doesn’t even feel real to me, and I was there.”
Elizabeth looked at her curiously. “Do you remember anything of that evening?”
Charlotte shook her head. “Very little. I remember you deciding to sleep in your clothes, just in case — and the next thing I remember is waking up, feeling confused, on the Hibernia.”
Elizabeth frowned. “I can see that would be confusing. But can you remember the storm building? Why we decided to stay in our clothes?”
“Oh, yes.” It was Charlotte’s turn to shiver. “Anyway, you had better get home.” She peered out of the door. “Have you time? Would you like a servant to walk with you with a light?”
“No, I’ll be all right,” Elizabeth laughed. “I can still see quite well.”
As she hurried along the lane, she wondered how soon her aunt might reply to the letter. She might even hear back tomorrow. Would Papa be able to spare the coach? If he couldn’t, she was sure he’d let her borrow a manservant and a maid to accompany her on the post, although Jane would try and persuade her to wait.
17
Darcy assisted Georgiana back up into the coach. Her face was still wet with tears. He climbed in after her and offered her his h
andkerchief.
“Are you well?” He glanced back at the small house in neat gardens. It was attractive and might have been suitable. But it was so small. He couldn’t, in all conscience, take it. How would they entertain?
More of an issue, he’d feel much too hemmed in. Giving up the sea was hard enough. He needed somewhere much bigger. He smiled thinly; especially if he were to marry.
“I’m all right, William. I didn’t realise you didn’t like it.”
“Perhaps I ought to look at possible properties first, to refuse the ones that won’t work, before I bring you to see them, Georgiana.” He hadn’t realised quite how small this place was, and, of course, his sister had fallen in love with it.
“But this is lovely. It would be easy to learn to keep house, and with only us here, it would be quite big enough.”
He sighed. Of course, Georgiana only knew that he was giving up the sea to make a home for her, and he hadn’t mentioned his dreams about Elizabeth consenting to be his wife. He wasn’t sure how to tell her about it, either. He didn’t want her to feel that he wasn’t doing this solely for her.
And, of course, he must think about the cost. Managing an estate, even a small one, would be a great deal more expensive than keeping up his apartments for when he was between ships. And this little house had a very low rent, which meant he would not need to use all his income. He would be able to continue to build his fortune to increase the security he could provide for his family.
He reached over and took her hand. “Dearest sister. I do like it. It would be the perfect place to start a home for us, if it had just a little more space. I wouldn’t want to settle here and begin to build a life only to have to move on if circumstances change.” He shook his head. “Just as an example, I think it would be too small to raise a family.”
She mopped her eyes. “I don’t think so. It would only be too small if you wanted to hide from the rest of the household.” She gave his a watery smile. “I like the thought of knowing you are near.”
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