A Million Little Things--A Novel

by Susan Mallery

  “I didn’t want to,” she blurted before she could stop herself. “I had to.”

  He glanced around. “You’re being held hostage and if you break up with me, they release you?” There was no amusement in his voice. “Come on, Zoe. I deserve better than this. No one is making you do anything. What happened? I thought things were going well between us. I thought we had something. Was I wrong?”

  He was being rational, she thought. She might have been wrong about him being angry, but he wasn’t letting his emotions control her. Instead he was asking mature questions. Like a grown-up.

  She closed the front door and walked over to the sofa. He followed and sat across from her. Humiliation burned, but there was no avoiding the truth. Not that he wasn’t going to find out eventually.

  “I’m on birth control,” she said. “I get a shot every three months.”

  He frowned. “Okay. What does that have to do with anything?”

  She swallowed and knew she had to just spit it all out. Then make sure she wasn’t standing between him and the door so she didn’t get mowed down when he bolted.

  “Two months ago I had sex with Chad. It was after we broke up. It wasn’t planned and it was a mistake. But it happened. A couple of days ago I got a call from my doctor’s office. There was a problem with my last shot. The batch was bad or something. The bottom line is I wasn’t protected, like I thought.” She raised her chin. “I’m pregnant. With Chad’s baby.”

  She pressed her lips together. There was no point in saying anything else. Steven wasn’t going to be around to hear it. Only as the silence stretched between them, she noticed he didn’t seem to be moving.

  He looked at her. “And?”

  “And what?”

  “Why did you break up with me?”

  She raised both hands then let them fall into her lap. “I’m pregnant with Chad’s baby. I didn’t plan for this to happen and I certainly don’t want to have a baby with him, but here I am. Doing it.”

  “Are you getting back together with him?”

  “What? No! Of course not. Never. But I’m going to have to tell him at some point. And deal with him like forever.” Her stomach flipped over a couple of times, making her wonder if she was going to throw up. She drew in a breath.

  “You’ve decided to keep the baby,” Steven said.

  She nodded. “My doctor said it was early enough for me to get an abortion, but I don’t want to do that. As for adoption, that’s not going to happen either. I’m having a baby.”

  Words she knew to be true, but still couldn’t seem to grasp. “I’m sorry.” She ducked her head and told herself she wasn’t going to cry again. She was going to hold it together. And then eat salad.

  Steven crossed to the sofa and sat next to her. He looked into her eyes. “That’s a lot.”

  She sniffed.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “No. I’m not. I’m confused and scared and I didn’t want to mess things up this way. I liked what we had together. I thought...” Well, she couldn’t say what she thought because she wasn’t sure, but there had been something special between them. “I’d hoped things would be great between us.” She told herself to be strong and brave and that she would be rewarded. At least at some point. “You don’t have to stay.”

  “I’m going to ignore that last comment,” he told her. “Tell me if I understand this. You found out that you’re pregnant with Chad’s baby. You’re sure it’s Chad’s?”

  “I had an ultrasound. I’m two months along.”

  “Okay. You had sex with your ex one time.”

  She nodded vigorously and held up a hand. “I swear. It was such a mistake. You have no idea how I regret it. No matter what, Chad and I are not getting back together.”

  “I believe you. So you’re going to have the baby and work out some kind of parenting plan with Chad.”

  “Yes on the baby and I have no idea on the other part.”

  “You broke up with me because you assumed I wouldn’t want to be with you now.”

  She blinked away yet more tears. “Yes.”

  He stood and crossed to the other side of the room. Once there, he faced her. “Why didn’t you just tell me what had happened?”

  “I haven’t told anyone. I don’t know what to say. I was embarrassed and sad and upset.”

  “I get that. Now I want to ask you a favor.”

  She waited.

  He looked at her. “Let me screw up before you decide I’m in trouble.”

  “What?”

  “You assumed I wouldn’t want to stay together once I knew you were pregnant. You made the decision before me. But you have no idea what I’m thinking. Hell, I don’t know what I’m thinking. But I do know this—I’m not walking away. I need to think about everything and figure out what I want. I need some time.”

  She honest to God couldn’t believe what he was saying. “You’re not running?”

  “Not yet.”

  “You might not run?”

  He smiled. “I’m thinking I could maybe handle this. I’m not sure. It’s a lot to take in. But so far, it’s not out of the question.”

  She told herself not to hope. That if she started to believe, it would hurt too much if he decided he was done. But she couldn’t help feeling just a little bit better than she had before.

  “Take as much time as you need,” she told him.

  He returned to the sofa. “You said no one else knows. Who are you going to tell next?”

  “My dad, I guess. Jen.” She thought about Pam and had a feeling Steven’s mother wouldn’t be as understanding as her son.

  “I’ll tell my mom,” he said, as if reading her mind. “But let’s wait a few days on her.”

  “Thank you. I’m going to have to tell Chad, too. I’m not looking forward to that conversation.”

  “I’ll be there if you want.”

  “While I appreciate the offer, I’m going to have to tackle that one on my own.”

  He took her hand in his. “You’re really strong.”

  “I’m a mess. I can’t stop crying and I’m seriously bitter about the lack of coffee and alcohol in my life.”

  “Want to go get dinner?”

  “Yes. I’d like that a lot.”

  He smiled. “Me, too.”

  * * *

  Jen got through the first three days of Lucas’s stay by trying not to spend any time with him. A logistical challenge, given that he was in their house and she was the one mostly taking care of him. She was still wrestling with his drug-induced assessment of her and her life. While she wanted to defend herself and her actions, she kept coming up against the fact that he might have been telling the truth.

  By the end of the first week, they’d gotten into a routine. Lucas was able to join her and Jack for breakfast. Despite her concerns about him being inappropriate around her son, Lucas was only patient and attentive when it came to Jack. He talked to the boy, played with him, read to him and in return, Jack adored him. More than once Jack had insisted on giving Lucas his precious Pooh bear for the night.

  Jen had managed to spend some time on the computer, researching depression and anxiety. She wondered if she was suffering from some form of both. Within a two-year period, she’d gotten pregnant, lost her dad, had a baby, moved and had to deal with her husband changing jobs. That was a lot for anyone. On her good days she told herself there had to be a way out. On her bad days, she wondered if she was going to slip into madness.

  One of the bright spots of having Lucas around was that her panic attacks happened less frequently. Maybe it was knowing there was someone else in the house. Maybe it was that he provided a distraction. She wasn’t concerned with the why, only the fact that she was able to get through more of the day without feeling like sh
e was about to die.

  They spent mornings outside as much as they could. The late-April weather was perfect—warm and sunny with the lightest of breezes. Jack drove around the patio in his car or played on the grass. Lucas sat in the shade, watching, talking some. He had more color and was only napping once a day. Basically he went down when Jack did. A thought that amused her.

  She sat on the grass, letting the sun warm her back. Jack was in front of her with several trucks and some blocks. He carefully loaded the blocks and moved them around her to her other side, where they were dumped onto the ground.

  “You have construction in your blood, little man,” Lucas said. “Like your uncle and your grandfather.”

  “How do you know about my dad?”

  He winked. “I know things.”

  Which meant Kirk had told him. She wondered what else her husband had shared, but was nervous about asking. Knowing Lucas, he would tell her the truth—something she was pretty sure she couldn’t handle.

  His cell phone buzzed. He pulled it out of his sweatpants pocket and glanced at the screen. She’d thought it might be the visiting nurse, confirming her visit, but when he put it back in his pocket without answering, she knew it was someone else.

  “Caitlyn?” she asked.

  He scowled. “Leave me alone.”

  “You should let her visit you.”

  “You said no women.”

  Oh, right. She had. “She can come over. Just don’t—” She glanced at Jack. “Make noise.”

  “So we can do it but we have to be quiet?”

  She blushed. “I don’t want Jack scarred.”

  “I didn’t plan for him to be in the room. Besides, there’s no way I’m ready for that right now. I’ll see her later. Or not at all.”

  “Don’t you miss her? She’s your girlfriend.”

  “She’s a woman I date. There’s a difference.”

  True enough. The lack of committed relationships in his life was the reason she’d insisted he stay with them. “I don’t mind if she comes by. There are other reasons to see a woman than that.”

  “Not many good ones.” He tilted his head. “Present company excluded.”

  She laughed. “Oh, right. Because I’m so dazzling to be with.”

  “You’re actually pretty fun. When you’re not hysterically imagining the worst.”

  She was about to snap at him when she reminded herself he was trying to get a rise out of her. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. “I’ve been doing some research online. I might have anxiety.”

  “You think?”

  The sarcastic tone made her bristle. She was about to snap back when he stunned her by saying, “I’m sorry. That was rude. It’s a reflex and not a good one.”

  Lucas apologizing? To her? “Um, it’s okay.”

  “It’s not. I’d play the ‘I’m wounded’ card, but why state the obvious.” He looked at her. “You have something going on, Jen. I’m sure you have some mental issues, but there’s some physical stuff, too. Chemicals out of whack or whatever. You should see someone about it.”

  She was still stuck on his claim that she had mental issues. “Oh, and I suppose you have a name?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  She opened her mouth, then closed it. “Excuse me?”

  “There are a couple of people who help out guys on the force when things get tough. It’s a combination of traditional drugs with supplements.”

  “I’ve already seen a crazy supplement lady, thank you very much. I don’t need my hair analyzed.”

  “Good, because these people don’t do that. They run a bunch of blood work, talk to you and then put together a program.” He jerked his head toward the house. “There’s a card in my wallet, on the dresser. Call them. They can help. They’re used to dealing with cops and their significant others. They know what you’re going through.”

  “That’s really nice. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Now go call them. I’ll watch the kid.”

  She hesitated a second before standing. “I’ll be right back.”

  “When you’ve made your appointment, you can go buy me cigars.”

  She rolled her eyes. “That is so not happening.”

  “You need to learn how to have fun.”

  “You need to accept your limitations. Ten days ago you were shot. You’re still on all kinds of drugs. Enjoy those while you can. Cigars. As if.”

  “Killjoy.”

  “Bite me. Oh, wait. I’m too old.”

  He laughed. “I might be willing to make an exception.”

  “Liar.”

  His phone buzzed.

  She pointed to it. “Answer it and tell her to come over. I’d rather have her in the house than a cigar.”

  He grinned. “What if we make noise?”

  She walked to the house. “I’m ignoring you. Totally and completely.”

  * * *

  The cold, gray overcast day suited Zoe’s mood perfectly. There wasn’t rain, but the skies were not happy. The temperature was cool enough to require a jacket or sweatshirt. In her case, she’d chosen a bright pink Minnie Mouse one, thinking the adorable Disney character would brighten her mood. But despite her magical powers, there were some problems a high-heel-wearing mouse couldn’t solve.

  Zoe sat on a bench by the carousel. Despite the fact that it was midafternoon on a Wednesday, there were plenty of people at the Pacific Ocean Park. Mostly mothers with young children. Lots of mothers and even more children.

  Zoe had never paid much attention to them. They were part of the landscape. After Jen had had Jack, they’d come here, first with him in a baby carriage and later with him in a stroller. In the past few months, he’d been big enough to ride one of the horses. Jen strapped him in carefully, then stood watch. Zoe had always thought she was being overprotective. Now she wondered how she would feel the first time her child came to the POP and rode a horse.

  She waited for a second, wondering if emotion would appear. There was nothing. It was like asking herself how she would feel if she lived in an African village that just got its first clean water well. She could imagine. She could pretend. She could fake it but she couldn’t actually know. Because it hadn’t happened. At least not yet.

  She touched her stomach. From what she could tell, there weren’t a lot of changes in her body. Her breasts might be a little more tender and she felt more bloated than usual. But other than that, she was who she had always been. At least on the outside. On the inside, she had something the size of a lima bean that was going to change her forever.

  She hugged her arms to her chest, trying to find comfort in Minnie, then stood when she saw Jen approaching. She’d texted her friend and asked if they could meet. She was surprised when Jen had suggested midafternoon. It was usually Jack’s nap time. Even more startling, Jen didn’t have her son with her.

  “Hi,” Jen said as she hugged her. “Are you okay? What’s going on? You said you needed to talk.”

  That was exactly what Zoe had said because announcing she was pregnant via smartphone seemed tacky.

  “Where’s Jack?” The question was more delay tactic than a request for information.

  Jen sat next to her and wrinkled her nose. “You’re not going to believe it. I barely believe it.” She paused dramatically. “I left him home with Lucas.”

  “What?”

  “I know. It’s incredible. But he’s down for his nap and they adore each other. Lucas is getting around okay and swears he can get him up from his nap. I told Jack so he wouldn’t be surprised and he was fine with it.”

  “Lucas? The same Lucas who dates twenty-year-olds and just got shot?”

  “That’s the one.” Her expression softened. “I’m going to continue to shock you by saying I
’m starting to like him. He’s really a good guy hiding under his bad boy facade. He took two bullets for Kirk. I will owe him forever.”

  Jen looked like she was going to say more, then shook her head. “Enough about me. What’s going on?”

  Zoe angled toward her friend and drew a knee to her chest. There was no good way to say this. “A little over two months ago I had sex with Chad.” She held up her hand. “I know it was stupid and I have no one to blame but myself. It was over, I got lonely and I caved. Which would have been okay, except I got a call from my doctor’s office last week and there was a problem with the batch of birth control shots I use.” She looked Jen in the eye. “I’m pregnant.”

  Her friend stared at her. “Oh, God.”

  “I know. I’ve had an ultrasound. I’m two months along.”

  Jen blanched. “Oh, God. Pregnant! With Chad’s baby. Who knows? Have you told Steven? Are you okay?”

  “Yes, and I don’t know.” When her friend looked confused, Zoe clarified. “I’m okay. Sort of. I’m still in shock and trying to take it all in. Steven knows. He’s not running, which I would do if I were him. He still might, but for now he’s thinking about what this all means.”

  A fact that made her grateful—and on edge. Because every time her phone rang, she wondered if it was him, breaking up with her. So far, he hadn’t. She wasn’t sure if the passage of time was good or if he was simply putting off the inevitable.

  “Does my mom know?”

  Zoe shook her head. “Steven’s going to tell her.”

  Jen grimaced. “That’s not going to go well.”

  That was what Zoe was afraid of, too. She considered Pam a friend, but with Steven involved, she had a feeling that all bets were off.

  “Pregnant,” Jen breathed. “Are you keeping the baby?”

  “I have to.” She drew in a breath. “I know I could have an abortion, but it doesn’t feel right. Not for me. There’s no reason I can’t have a child on my own.”

  “What about Chad?”

  “I haven’t talked to him yet. I know I have to tell him, but it’s not like he can do anything until it’s born. I don’t want him involved at all. In a perfect world, he would simply go away.”