The Vegan Vamp

by S. E. Babin

  For the hundredth time since my conversation with Cassidy, I grumbled something unfavorable under my breath. I was fine until she’d put a lot of pressure on me to find someone.

  I wanted to, but I was also worried about the future. And I was also certainly worried about how someone was going to view me when they realized I was not a typical vampire.

  I forced myself to relax the thunderous frown forming on my brow. Opening the handle, I tossed the letter in and tried to peer inside to see where it landed. It wasn’t full enough for me to see any of the other correspondence, so all I got was an eyeful of nothing.

  The handle slammed shut as soon as I let go of it, and I was left standing there with an empty feeling. This was quite anticlimactic.

  Turning, I happened to glance up only to see a shadowy figure in one of the windows of the agency staring right at me. The light hit the person in an odd way, allowing me to only see a shadow and no discernible features, but from the shape of the person and the length of the hair, I suspected it might have been a short woman.

  The curtain fell away abruptly at my perusal.

  I squared my shoulders and headed back to my vehicle. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen or how soon it would happen, but I needed to keep living my life the best way I knew how to. And that was basically doing the same thing I’d always been doing and waiting for something amazing to happen.

  I gripped Elvira’s steering wheel and headed out of the parking lot. All I could do was wait and see what the future brought.

  When I pulled into the driveway of my small little house, I made a mental note to do something about the way the outside looked. The Archer’s were also appalled when I refused to stay in the family mansion. I would rather open a vein than listen to my mother harp on about my eating habits. As soon as I was able to dip into my inheritance, I’d scoured the realty websites until I found this little gem. It was 800 square feet of mine.

  The floors were heated and hardwood, so I never had to worry about cold feet, unless I forgot to turn it on. With how cold my blood ran, that was almost never. There was a small kitchen with plenty of cabinet space and a double oven because I liked to bake bread. A lot. My bedroom was tucked off to the side, away from the sight of people entering the small home. There was a master bath on the other side, but master was a grandiose word to describe the small space. Though I did make sure there was enough room for a claw foot tub because those were life.

  I slid off my shoes as soon as I entered the house, tossed my keys and purse on the side table, and made my way over to the fridge to rummage through for lunch. I liked to claim I was vegan and while that was true most of the time, sometimes I slid into vegetarian territory, especially when baked goods were involved. After all, there would be no creme brulee if it wasn’t for dairy, and few cakes tasted good without eggs.

  Cake was also life.

  But these were rare indulgences indeed and only when something waved itself in front of my face that proved irresistible. For now, I popped the top off of leftover beans and rice, scooped some into a bowl, and microwaved it until it was piping hot. Careful to handle the bowl by the bottom curve where the heat couldn’t reach me, I took it over to the couch, plopped down, and flipped on the television.

  Five minutes into a game show where people got slime dumped onto them, I realized something important. Something I’d never thought of because my parents never would have allowed it. I sat up straighter. Wouldn’t they have some docs around here that helped paranormals when they needed it? I know most of us went our entire lives without medical care, but there were some instances where it was necessary. Maybe they could help.

  I sat my spoon back in my bowl.

  Yes. This was a good idea. I’d just have to be discreet. I didn’t want my parents to know.

  Smiling to myself, I cranked the volume up on the television and drifted off to sleep watching people get covered in green goo.

  Four

  Sterling

  I was minding my own business and thoroughly engrossed in my phone when a woman with the wildest blonde hair I’d ever seen stepped into my path.

  Stopping just short of running into her, I blinked and looked up from the blog post I was reading. Brilliant green eyes met mine. I frowned at her when she didn’t immediately apologize and step out of the way.

  “Excuse me,” I said and went to step around her, but she moved in the same direction.

  “Sterling Luna?” the woman said.

  I lowered my phone and stared at her. “Depends on who’s asking.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m asking. Mostly out of politeness. Your picture is on the website of your conspiracy theory buddies.”

  “Then why did you ask?” I snapped.

  “Because it’s polite,” she snapped back, “though I shouldn’t have wasted my breath on manners with you, I see now.”

  “I’m in a hurry,” I said. I wasn’t, but I also loathed small talk with every fiber of my being. The average human being lived only about 27,000 days. I wasn’t human, but seeing that number struck me at how short life can be for them. 75 years, give or take the few who had tragedy strike and die young. That’s all they got. I expected to live a heck of a lot longer, but I didn’t want my mind to go idle debating over stupid shit, like whether it was really me standing there or not, especially when she already knew the answer.

  “You aren’t,” she said and crossed her arms over her ample chest. My eyes automatically strayed there because they were kind of hard to miss.

  I immediately looked up. “What do you want?” I asked the sky.

  “I heard your family was playing matchmaker with the Bregola family out of Italy,” she said.

  I stiffened and looked down at the woman, giving her more of an appraising study. I shouldn’t have dismissed her out of hand as soon as I saw her. She was diminutive, yes, but I could also sense a pretty incredible aura of power around her.

  Shit. “Portia?”

  She grinned at me then and did a little bow. “At your service.”

  Of all the things I thought would happen to me today, meeting the founder of the town wasn’t even on my top fifty. Even though it was an honor, and I should be scraping and bowing at her feet, all I could feel was annoyance. I’d always heard once she showed up in your life, your single days were over.

  I planned to prove her wrong. I had no desire for a match, but with the threat of an Italian family wedding hanging over me, I knew I should probably start looking for a wife.

  That was where the difference came in. I wanted to find someone blond, biddable, vapid, and with absolutely zero hint of intuition hidden in her small, large breasted frame. I wanted her to be coldly pretty, to appreciate the finer things in life so she would leave me alone, and have a track record of adultery so I would never have to sleep with her. Maybe once, just to make it seem real, but other than that, she could leave me to my science, and I could leave her to her pool boys. Now that would be a match made in Heaven.

  “I have no desire for a wife,” I practically growled.

  Her eyes glittered. “Ah, but your family does, and they have quite a bit of pull around here, don’t they?”

  It was true. They’d come into this town as a powerful clan and refused the gestures of the local pack to integrate seamlessly within them. Seventy-five years ago that refusal came to a head and my father was pitted in a fight to the death against the local alpha.

  I was not too proud to gloat in the fact that dear old dad had destroyed him. When the alpha’s wife approached him to offer her hand and leadership of the pack over to him, he declined and said he would kill everyone within the pack unless our family was left alone.

  Considering their alpha lay in shreds all over the ground, the woman readily agreed.

  A pact was drawn up and our family was now sovereign. We answered to no one and did the bidding of no alpha. I’d heard the newer alpha was a pretty cool guy, but he also appeared to be respecting the pact made between our fa
mily and the past wolves. That earned him some respect from me. Dad was still virile as he ever was, but age was creeping up on him. Slowly but surely. I didn’t want him involved in any more fights to the death if we could help it.

  “They do,” I admitted to the woman. “But I have no desire to have a wife.”

  Portia’s eyes darkened as she considered me. “You want someone biddable. Someone to stay home or involve themselves in rich people fundraisers and question nothing you’re doing, correct?”

  She’d pegged me in less than a minute. I decided to be honest. “That’s exactly what I want. If you can find me one of those, I’ll get married in a heartbeat. If you can’t, then I’m not interested.” This would keep my parents off my back for at least a hundred years. Maybe more if I were lucky.

  Her lips pursed as she stared at me. Her green gaze was piercing and deep and I felt like she was seeing me down to the marrow. I didn’t like it.

  “I’ll tell you what. I’ll find you what you seek if you give another woman a chance. One I pick out and set you up with. One date. Go on one date with both of these women and if you still choose the vapid one, I will let it go.”

  I almost fell over. “You’ll… let it go?”

  She nodded.

  “Just like that?”

  She made a poof motion with her hands. “Just like that. But if you renege on our deal, I reserve the right to have dinner with your parents and tell them all about our conversation.”

  From the expression on her face, I knew she’d do it.

  “One date? That’s it?”

  She grinned, a sharp-edged thing that made me worry about the deal I was making. “That’s it.”

  Before I could change my mind, I stuck my hand out. “Deal,” I said.

  She slipped her slender hand into mine and gave it a firm shake. “Your first date will be in three day’s time.” Portia motioned to my face. “Do something about...that.”

  My hand flew to my face. “What? About what?”

  “That peach fuzz you young men think is actually a beard.”

  With a feral smile, she snapped her fingers and disappeared.

  While I was relieved she was gone, something about the whole exchange felt somewhat off to me. On one hand, I was very excited to meet someone who met all the specifications I wanted. I deserved to be happy and if it meant taking a wife to make my parents happy, I would do so. The whole children thing, though...I could stall them on. We were immortal, after all. They could afford to wait awhile.

  Shaking my head over the entire exchange, I shoved my phone in my pocket and hurried into the building. We were meeting this morning about the storm. Shaw and Jeremy said they talked to someone who was a witness to the whole thing. I couldn’t wait to hear what they said.

  Jeremy was again nursing his coffee like a little old lady sips at a small cup of wine. I jogged over to the coffee station, relieved more than I could explain not to see the annoying barista there, and ordered a large black coffee. I didn’t like it when people put the cream and sugar in, so I always made sure I asked for extra room so I could do it myself.

  The woman handed over the mug with a frown and took my money without even counting it. She shoved it into the register and pulled out exact change.

  My mouth dropped open. “How did you -”

  “Magic,” she said, her tone as dry as the desert.

  I held my hand out for the money and took my mug, speechless for the moment. What kind of paranormal had a head for numbers like that? Especially without even looking.

  I doctored my coffee to my liking and headed over to the table where my friends sat. As soon as they saw my expression, they both grinned.

  “Savant,” Jeremy explained. “They’re rare.”

  “A savant? A savant of what?” I asked.

  Jeremy shrugged. “Of everything. From what I can tell, she’s a witch. A super powerful one, truth be told, but I don’t think she realizes it. She’s got an attitude for sure.”

  Shaw snickered. “I once asked her for a little more cream and she told me to shove my head up my ass and breathe in.”

  I choked out a laugh. “Wow. She hasn’t been fired yet?”

  Shaw shook his head. “Nah. She’s in a building full of nerds and she isn’t too hard on the eyes. She’s the most entertaining thing we’ve seen in months, even when it’s at our expense.”

  Neither Jeremy or Shaw were hard on the eyes, but they did fit the other categories of nerddom quite well. Shaw usually wore an ink-stained shirt with a pocket protector and half the time he ran into things because he wasn’t paying attention. Jeremy was ridiculously well-versed in most things, but had the social skills of an aardvark trying to play chess. When confronted with someone reasonably attractive, he either completely failed to notice or went into nerd hyperdrive, spilling everything and stumbling over everything he said.

  I was a cross between Jeremy and Shaw. I didn’t care enough for flirting, though I always tried to be polite, and I could recite basically every word of every episode of Firefly. These were the things I didn’t tell my parents or my siblings. None of them were nerds. I was still trying to hold onto cool points by being one of the Luna family, but I still needed somewhere to let my nerd flag fly.

  I looked back over to the sullen witch and wondered what it would be like to possess magic. Real magic, not the kind that grew teeth and fangs once a month, but the kind that could turn someone into a frog if they pissed you off. That would be cool. I mean, I guess I could eat them if they made me angry enough, but I'd be picking sinew out of my teeth for a week, and I really wasn't the kind of person who ate people.

  They didn't taste good and they usually had families who would come looking for them.

  I dragged my eyes back over to my friends who'd already noticed I'd been staring.

  "She's too young for you," Jeremy said thoughtfully.

  Shaw grinned at that. "Technically most people here would be too young for our resident immortal werewolf, so I think age just becomes a number after so long."

  He was kind of right and kind of wrong. Age was just a number, but sullen chick looked like she was maybe on the early side of nineteen. Plus, I didn't like women with a lot of holes in them. She had earrings in her nose, her lip, her eyebrow and only one in her ear.

  I never understood why people called them earrings if they were just going to stick them willy nilly wherever their little weird heart desired.

  The girl was pretty though, in a worshipper of the night kind of way. Jet black hair which looked natural was tied up in a messy knot on top of her head. Her makeup was minimal except for the slash of thick black liner across both of her eyes. This only served to highlight the sky blue of her eyes. I suspect she'd be rather disappointed to know this because it seemed her goal was to frighten little children rather than be attractive.

  Her clothes were even worse. She wore a Beatles t-shirt that had seen better days and either short shorts or a skirt. Hard to tell because of her apron. Right now it looked like she wasn't wearing any pants, but since the people behind her weren't staring, I figured she had clothes on.

  The girl finally caught me staring. A smirk appeared on her pretty, full lips and she held up a fist, and with her other hand made a rolling motion like the fist was a fishing pole. Within seconds her middle finger was fully extended in my direction.

  "Nice," I called. "Real classy."

  She waved her middle finger at me and grinned.

  Shaw slapped me on the back. "Way to make friends, dude."

  Jeremy shook his head and continued to nurse his coffee.

  "Now, if Sterling can look away from his new friend," Shaw said, "we have business to discuss."

  I looked away and turned my attention to my friends. "Yes, what's up? You found some people willing to talk about it?"

  Jeremy winced a little. "Not willing," he admitted.

  I laughed at this. "Are they tied up in your basement or something? How'd you get them to talk with y
ou?"

  "We have cameras set up all over the town in order to catch strange phenomenon. We had one at the back of their property and we happened to catch the beginnings of the storm. It was easier to walk onto the property before the couple were married. Now they seem strangely concerned about security." Jeremy said this with all the emotion of an android.

  My mouth dropped open. "You trespassed?"

  "I'm afraid so," said Jeremy.

  "And then you… what? Blackmailed them?"

  Shaw's eyes twinkled in amusement. "The tree has a bark side."

  I let out a snort of laughter at the pun. "Damn dude." I was trying really hard to not to be impressed. "So you caught something on film that they didn't want you to see and you used it against them?"

  Jeremy winced. "Well. It took me awhile to get the film back. It was a lot harder getting back onto the property after that. But I did not come out of this unscathed. The woman..." He paused and rubbed his right eye. "She's a clairvoyant. "

  Shaw leaned forward. "You didn't tell me that. What happened?"

  He rubbed the back of his neck and looked skyward. "She told me my future."

  Something in his voice caused my chest to tighten. "And?"

  Shaw's gaze narrowed when Jeremy paused. "And? Jeremy?"

  The dryad blew out a breath. "And it appears within the next twelve months, my tree will be destroyed by fire."

  My eyebrows flew up to my hairline. Not many people realized how important a dryad's tree was. A selkie couldn’t survive without its skin. A dryad couldn't survive without its tree.

  Shaw reared back like someone had slapped him. "False," he said shaking his head. "The woman put lies into your head."

  Jeremy's lips thinned. "It doesn't work like that, I'm afraid. The woman touched me, spouted off quite a bit of disturbing information, and promptly fainted." He looked down and toyed with his napkin. "I'm afraid the woman's husband was quite aggrieved with me."