Miss Newman Isn't Human!
Page 3
“Let’s go back down,” Andrea said. “Arlo looks like he’s going to pass out.”
“It’s too late to go back down now,” said Miss Newman. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier that you were afraid of heights, A.J.? I would have picked somebody else to take the balloon ride.”
“I didn’t want my friends to know,” I said.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Arlo,” Andrea told me. “Lots of people are afraid of heights. I looked it up on my smartphone. It’s called acrophobia.”
Andrea looks everything up so she can prove how smart she is.
“Promise me you won’t tell anybody,” I said. “If the guys find out I have acrophobia, they’ll make fun of me for the rest of my life.”
“Okay,” Andrea said. “Hold on, Arlo.”
“We’ll get you through this, A.J.,” said Miss Newman.
We waved to everybody down on the playground. I tried to smile, but it felt like my stomach was going to fall out of my body. This was the worst day of my life. I wanted to go to Antarctica and live with the penguins.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” asked Andrea.
I didn’t know if it was beautiful or not. I had my eyes closed. But that just made it worse. Andrea and Miss Newman were holding on to me. I opened my eyes again. We were floating above the trees. The school looked really small. We were getting higher and higher.
“I don’t feel good,” I said.
“Are you going to be okay, A.J.?” asked Miss Newman.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I said.
“Balloons don’t have bathrooms, Arlo!” Andrea said.
“Well, I have to go. I told you that before.”
“I thought you just said that to get out of riding in the balloon with me,” replied Andrea.
“No, I had to go to the bathroom!” I told her. “I still do. Can’t I just climb up on the edge here and—”
“Noooooo!” shouted Andrea and Miss Newman.
“Do you have to go number one or number two?” asked Andrea.
“Number three.”
“Number three?” she said. “What’s number three? I never heard of number three.”
“I’m not sure I want to know what number three is,” said Miss Newman.
“I thought you were so good in math,” I told Andrea. “Number three is when you have to do a number one and a number two at the same time. Two plus one equals three.”
“Okay, that’s too much information,” said Miss Newman.
“And it’s gross,” added Andrea.
“What’s really gross is number four,” I told them.
“Number four?” both of them said.
“What’s that?” Andrea asked me. “I never heard of number four.”
Ha! Finally, I knew something Andrea didn’t know.
“Believe me,” I told her. “You don’t want to know what number four is.”
“Try to hold it in, Arlo,” Andrea told me. “We’ll be back on the ground soon. Right, Miss Newman?”
Miss Newman didn’t answer. She was looking at me.
“What is number four?” she asked.
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes!” both of them replied.
“Okay, number four is when—”
I didn’t have the chance to finish my sentence, because at that moment the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. A blast of water hit us in the face!
“We’re heading into a storm!” shouted Miss Newman.
She was right. The sky was suddenly dark all around us, and the rain was coming down hard.
“It’s raining cats and dogs!” Andrea shouted.
That was a total lie. I didn’t see any animals falling out of the sky. It was just rain. We were already soaked. It was coming down so hard that it was blowing sideways. The basket was swaying back and forth. I was afraid we might fall out!
“This looks like a Category 1 or a Category 2 storm,” shouted Miss Newman. “It could even be Category 3.”
“Is a Category 3 storm a Category 1 storm and a Category 2 storm put together?” I asked.
“It’s not like going to the bathroom, Arlo!” shouted Andrea.
“I’m afraid this might be a Category 4 storm!” shouted Miss Newman.
Uh-oh. That can’t be good.
There was another blast of wind, and then suddenly the rain stopped and I was hit in the face with sand or dust or dirt or something. I closed my eyes just in time.
“What’s going on?” shouted Andrea. “Are we in the middle of a hurricane?”
“No,” Miss Newman shouted back.
“Is it a himmicane?” I asked.
“No,” shouted Miss Newman. “It’s a haboob!”
Okay, so I lied.* I told you there was no such thing as a haboob, and there would be no more haboobs in this book. And guess what? It turns out “haboob” is a real word, and it’s part of the story!
“Cover your faces!” yelled Miss Newman. “Keep the sand out of your eyes and nose!”
She didn’t have to tell me. I pulled my T-shirt over my face to keep the sand away.
“What are we going to do?” shouted Andrea.
“There’s nothing to do but ride it out!” Miss Newman yelled back. “The haboob could be moving forty miles an hour.”
Wow! That might be fast enough to blow the school away. And if the school blows away, there will be no school! Yay!
But right now I had other things to worry about. The basket was swaying back and forth. I was afraid the whole thing might flip over.
“Are we going to die?” I shouted.
“Not on my watch,” Miss Newman shouted back.
What did watches have to do with anything? She wasn’t even wearing a watch.
Miss Newman grabbed some ropes on the side of the basket and pulled on them. I guess it was for steering or something. The basket stopped swaying.
“This is a dangerous situation,” she hollered over the sound of the wind and sand blowing in our faces. “I need to report the weather to the people!”
“How are you going to do that?” Andrea shouted.
“Grab that camera off the floor,” Miss Newman yelled. “We have a satellite linkup so we can transmit the signal back to Channel 4.”
“I have sand in my eyes!” Andrea hollered. “I can’t see!”
“I got it,” I yelled as I picked up the camera. “What do you want me to do?”
“Push the red button and point the camera at me,” Miss Newman yelled back.
I did what she said.
“This is Sprinkles Newman, of Channel 4 weather,” she hollered. “I’m coming to you live from the middle of a haboob. That’s an intense sandstorm. If you’re outside, I need you to get inside right away. If you can’t get inside, cover your nose and mouth with cloth.”
The camera was heavy. But I kept pointing it at Miss Newman.
“If you’re in your car driving somewhere, pull over right away,” she shouted. “Almost every death caused by a haboob has been because people try to drive cars through them and they crash into things.”
She went on like that for a while, talking about which direction the haboob was heading and how fast it was moving. She sure knows a lot about haboobs!
Finally, the haboob blew past us. The sky got calm. Miss Newman steered the balloon so we were coming down in a field across the street from where we took off. The whole school came running over.
Well, not really. Schools can’t run. They don’t have legs. But all the kids and teachers came running over. They were cheering and clapping.
“We saw you on TV!” everybody shouted.
“That was cool, A.J.,” said Neil. “You’re famous!”
This was the greatest day of my life. Mr. Klutz helped us climb out of the basket. All the teachers were taking pictures with their cell phones.
“Arlo, you were sooooo brave filming that video!” said Andrea.
And then she did the most horrible thing in t
he history of the world. She kissed me!
Ugh, gross! This was the worst day of my life!
“Ooooo!” Ryan said. “Andrea kissed A.J. and said he was brave. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
When we got back to school, it was time for dismissal. We pringled up near the front door by the office. All the parents must have been worried about their kids getting caught in the haboob. I could see a bunch of them through the front door.
And you’ll never believe who came running through the front door at that moment.
Nobody! You can’t run through the front door! It’s made of glass. You’d just smash your head into it. But you’ll never believe who opened the front door and came running into the school.
It was Luke Warm! I thought he was going to be in the hospital for a long time after getting struck by lightning. But he looked okay. He was holding a stack of his cards.
Miss Newman ran over to him.
“Luke!” she shouted, putting her arms around him. Then she kissed him. Ugh, gross!
“Is she giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation again?” Ryan asked.
“No, dumbhead,” said Andrea. “She’s kissing him!”
If you ask me, kissing looks way too much like mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
“Ooooo!” Ryan said. “Miss Newman is kissing Luke Warm. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
Luke Warm held up one of his cards for Miss Newman to read. It said: I CAN’T HEAR OR SPEAK BECAUSE OF THE LIGHTNING. I SHOULD BE FINE IN A FEW WEEKS.
Miss Newman took one of Luke’s cards and wrote this on it: I MISSED YOU!
Luke Warm held up another card: I MISSED YOU TOO!
Miss Newman took another card and wrote this on it: I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE BACK!
Luke Warm held up another card: ME TOO!
Miss Newman took another card and wrote this on it: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU!
Luke Warm held up another card: THE SAME GOES FOR ME!
Hey, this was getting way too mushy.
Miss Newman took another card and wrote this on it: I LOVE YOU, LUKE!
Luke Warm held up another card: I LOVE YOU, SPRINKLES!
Ugh, gross! They used the L word!
Then Luke Warm and Miss Newman started kissing again. I thought I was gonna die.
Man, there sure is a lot of kissing in this book.
“That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen,” Andrea said. “I think I’m going to cry!”
Then Luke Warm and Miss Newman both picked up cards and started writing on them.
They held them up.
Both of the cards said the same thing: WILL YOU MARRY ME?*
The next day Miss Newman was back on Channel 4 doing the weather again. It looked like she really knew what she was talking about. But we all knew that behind the camera Luke Warm was holding up cards for her to read.
The next weekend the whole school was invited to the wedding.
Well, not really. Just the teachers and students were invited. Schools don’t go to weddings.
It was held in a big field next to the Channel 4 weather balloon. They had musicians playing weird songs like “Stormy Weather,” “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” and “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.”
We had to wait a million hundred hours for the ceremony to begin. Finally the minister stood up and everybody got quiet.
“We are gathered here together,” he said, “to blah blah blah this man and this woman blah blah blah holy matrimony blah blah blah.”
It went on like that for a while.
“Do you promise to love and honor each other,” the minister said, “in rain and in sunshine, in high and low humidity, during heat warnings and cold fronts, in droughts and in thunderstorms, regardless of the wind chill factor?”
Miss Newman held up a card. It said: I DO.
Luke Warm held up a card. It said: I DO.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” said the minister.
What happened next was totally gross.
“Is he giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation again?” I asked.
“No!” said Andrea. “They’re kissing!”
“Ooooo!” Ryan said. “Miss Newman is kissing Luke Warm! They must be in love!”
“When are they gonna get married?” asked Michael.
“They just did, you dumbheads!” shouted Andrea.
When the wedding was over, there was a big party. We got to eat little hot dogs. They’re called pigs in blankets. Nobody knows why. If you put a real pig in a blanket, it wouldn’t be called a hot dog. And it would be gross.
Anyway, I was eating my hundred millionth pig in a blanket when Andrea came over to me.
“Wasn’t the wedding romantic, Arlo?” she asked.
“No.”
“Maybe someday we’ll get married, Arlo,” Andrea said.
“Only if I get hit by lightning and my brain doesn’t work anymore,” I told her.
After the party, Miss Newman and Luke Warm climbed into the basket under the weather balloon. They were leaving for their honeymoon at the headquarters of the National Weather Service.
“Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . seven . . . six . . . five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . . one . . .”
“Release the ropes!”
Everybody was waving and saying stuff in French as the balloon went up in the air. Miss Newman and Luke Warm held up a card and showed it to us before they floated away. It said: GOOD-BYE!
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Miss Newman will learn about the weather so she won’t have to rely on cue cards all the time. Maybe the real meteorologist will escape from the weather blimp she’s dangling from upside down. Maybe Mr. Klutz will get his eyes checked and stop talking in French for no reason. Maybe deer will get head lice. Maybe grown-ups will stop giving each other mouth-to-mouth resuscitation just for the fun of it. Maybe dumb people will realize how dumb they are and stop saying dumb things. Maybe the seven dwarfs will let us know how Snow White is. Maybe meteorologists will go out for dinner on the moon. Maybe people will stop putting glue on their pants. Maybe animals will fall out of the sky. Maybe someday I’ll tell you what number four is. Maybe you’ll return this book to the bookstore and get your money back.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and Illustrator
Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
Credits
Cover art © 2018 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRDEST SCHOOL #10: MISS NEWMAN ISN’T HUMAN! Text copyright © 2018 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2018 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
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ISBN 978-0-06-242939-1 (pbk. bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-242940-7 (library bdg.)
EPub Edition © February 2018 ISBN 9780062429414
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FIRST EDITION
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* After the solar-powered flashlight.
* Because men have no idea what to do when ladies start crying.
* What are you looking down here for? The story’s up there, dumbhead!
* It means they’re mad. Nobody knows why.
* I’m really sorry about that. Lying is not a nice thing. But if I told you back in Chapter Five that there was going to be a haboob in Chapter Eight, it wouldn’t have been a big surprise when the haboob hit. Aren’t surprises fun?
* I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Really, you should close this book. I told you once already. Don’t you have anything better to do with your life? There’s a whole world out there. TV shows to watch. Video games to play. Stop wasting your life on dumb books like this!