No Regrets

by Vivian Ward

  Thank God I know his number by heart. My shaky finger had pressed the last digit before I brought the phone up to my ear. As the phone started to ring on the third ring, I prayed that he would answer. C’mon, man. Pick up the damned phone. I slapped the counter, about to hang up the phone before I heard his familiar voice.

  “Hello?”

  “Mick, you got a minute, bro?”

  “Who is this?”

  “It’s me, Matt. Matt Porter.”

  “Matty? Where you at man? You get a new number or something?”

  “Listen,” I turned away from the bar and leaned over. I covered the phone with my hand. “I’m at Squiggy’s, and I was—”

  “What the hell are you doing at Squiggy’s? You gotta get out of there! How many have you had? You need a ride?”

  “I haven’t had anything, yet.” I turned and saw the glass of scotch still on the bar. “But I’m staring at liquid gold, man.”

  “It’s been a while since you’ve been to an AA meeting. We’re having one tonight. You get your ass out of that bar and head on over. We can talk, and get down to the bottom of things. It starts in about forty minutes.”

  “Are they still at the Community Center on Broadway?”

  “God, you really haven’t been to one in ages,” he sighed. “No, we moved them over to the Church of Christ off Main Street by the White Grill. Park in the rear and come in the set of double doors.”

  I handed the phone back to the bartender, “Get rid of this.” I pushed the glass towards him as I stood up. “I can’t drink it,” I mumbled before heading out the door.

  I fired up my truck and started making the commute back across town. My hands were still shaky, and I felt like shit. Sitting at a red light, I glanced at myself in the mirror and saw an unfamiliar face. It was mine, and it was covered in a cold sweat. Mick was right; it was about time I got my ass back in AA meetings. As much as I hate being the new guy, it would be good to get back into good graces with the man upstairs.

  Chapter 3

  Stephanie

  Even though Andrew and I both escaped the fire with minor injuries, I was rattled by seeing Matt. How was that out of all the firemen that were there, it happened to be him and his partner that rescued us? I needed to talk to someone and knew just the person. Susan had become my best friend over the last several years. Really since I became a mother and started going to the women’s support group meetings at the church. She took me under her wing as our support group leader, and we developed a deep bond.

  “Hello?” she answered the phone.

  “Hey, Susan. I need to talk. You gotta minute?”

  “Yeah, but only a minute. I’m trying to get my shopping done so I don’t have to mess with it after group.”

  “What? Wait. We have group tonight?”

  I have to be honest; I hadn’t realized that it was Wednesday. I’d been so busy searching for a job lately and then the fire happened; I barely know whether I’m coming or going.

  “Yeah, tonight’s our group meeting. You’re coming, right?” The phone dipped away from her mouth as she spoke to the cashier, “Can you bag these separately, please?”

  “Uh, I guess. I’m just so lost and messed up today. Our apartment burned down last night and—”

  “You lived in Peach Tree Apartments? I thought you and Drew moved over to Sandy Valley?”

  “No, we couldn’t get approved for Sandy Valley because of income qualifications.”

  “Damn. Sorry, girl. What are you doing? Where are you going to live now?”

  “I don’t have many options; you know that. That’s actually one of the reasons why I was calling you. We just got released from the hospital. Could you pick us up?”

  “And do what with you? Stephanie, as much as I love you and Andrew, I don’t have room for you at my place. Not since I let Trish and her two girls move in, otherwise I would do it in a heartbeat. You know that.”

  I had forgotten that she took in Trish and her kids. “Can you still pick us up? Maybe I can call Lance and see if we can crash at his place for a day or two until I get things figured out.”

  “I’m checking out at the grocery store right now. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  While I waited for her to pick us up from the hospital, I called my brother.

  “What’s up, sis?”

  “Lance, our apartment burned down last night, and I was wondering if we could stay with you until I figured out someplace for us to go.”

  “What? How did that happen? I need to start watching the news.”

  “I’m not sure how it happened, but Susan is picking us up from the hospital in a few—”

  “Hospital? Are you two okay?”

  “Yeah, we’re good. Drew had minor smoke inhalation, but we’re fine. I have a women’s support group meeting tonight. Can you watch him for me?”

  “Yep, the boys were about to come over so we could watch the Grizzlies play tonight.”

  Susan pulled up and took us to Lance’s house. He’s only been out for four years, but he’s worked hard since the day he was released. One of his friends hooked him up with a job in construction, and he saved his money until he had a down payment to buy his one-bedroom house. It needed a lot of work, but he’s done most of it himself and is almost finished.

  “Do you want me to wait for you?” she leaned across the front seat, craning her neck.

  “Yeah, if you could.”

  She nodded and remained double-parked in the street while I dropped of Andrew. On our way to the meeting, we talked about the fire.

  “But that’s not what’s bothering me. I mean, yes, I’m upset that everything we own was destroyed, but I saw him.” I looked at her to gauge her reaction.

  Her eyes bulged as she cocked her head. “Who?” she asked.

  “Him.” Her blank stare didn’t change; she only craned her neck farther. “Matt. Matt Porter.”

  “Matt Porter?” she whispered as her eyes rolled up while she thought. “I know that name.”

  “He’s my ex. Remember? The one that put Lance away?”

  Her jaw dropped, and her shoulders slumped forward. “Nah, girl. How did you see him? What happened?”

  “You’re never going to believe this,” I snorted. “He rescued Andrew from the fire, and his partner helped me climb down the ladder in my nightgown.”

  “What? You’re kidding.” She pulled into the church parking lot. “Did you talk to him?”

  “Not really.” I looked at her from the corner of my eye.

  “What does that mean? Don’t you hold back no details. You tell me all of it,” she laughed.

  I filled her in on the details of how he spoke up when the paramedic was asking Andrew’s last name as we walked inside the church. She shook her head.

  “You know, he was probably just as stunned as you were, but I have to ask you a question.” She looked me square in the eyes, “Are you bringing this up because the fire scared you and you need someone to vent to, or are you thinking about the past?”

  I rocked back on my heels for a moment as I exhaled a deep breath. “I’m hoping you can help me figure that out. I don’t know what’s going on, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since I saw him.”

  “Why do you think that is?” she asked me.

  “Ugh. Maybe because I know I can’t have him even though he was the only guy who ever made me truly happy. We just had such a great relationship, ya know? Like, he was always there for me and then he did…”

  “Didn’t you tell me that he claimed he never told?” I nodded. “Maybe he really didn’t. It’s too bad that last night wasn’t exactly the most opportune time to run into him. You could’ve talked if it were under normal circumstances.”

  “I know. It just sucks. I’m telling you, Susan; I ’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved Matt. Not even close, but what he did to my brother? That’s unforgivable. I can’t let that go.”

  “Here,” she handed me a stack of leaflets t
hat she was going to hand out at tonight’s meeting. “Carry this stack, and I’ll grab this. You can help me set up.”

  We walked to our room and started placing a leaflet at each seat as we talked about what I should do and how I was going to handle my current living situation.

  Chapter 4

  MAtt

  Walking into the church, my stomach started knotting up as my anxiety grew. My fight or flight response kicked in, and I wanted to run like hell; forget I’d ever called Mick and pretend that I hadn’t tried to drink, but that wasn’t the right thing to do. If I was going to put the past in the past, I needed to deal with it head on. If I didn’t, it would eat me alive and push me to polishing off a whole damned bottle if I didn’t get things under control.

  There must have been a dozen rooms off the wing of the hallway that I was standing in once I walked through the double doors that Mick had told me about. Did I mention I hate being the new guy at shit? I started checking the rooms one by one to see if I could find him or if there were any signs posted for AA meetings. Halfway down the hall, I heard voices, but it sounded like women talking.

  Heading in that direction, I stopped right outside the door. I could have sworn that I heard Stephanie’s voice talking. I continued eavesdropping until I heard the name Lance. I sheepishly poked my head around the door jamb, stole a quick peek of Stephanie’s angelic face and slid back against the wall. She didn’t see me, but that didn’t stop my heart from skipping a beat. Contemplating my next move, I saw someone coming down the hall.

  “Hey, man, glad you could make it,” Mick said.

  Bringing my finger to my lip, I hushed him and grabbed his arm. “Which room is our meeting in?” I whispered.

  “In there,” he pointed in the direction I had already walked past.

  He nodded, indicating for me to follow, as he removed his keys from his pocket and unlocked the door. Once we were in the room, he flipped on the lights as I closed the door.

  “Matty, boy? What’s wrong? Why are we hiding and whispering in church hallways? What’s gotten into you?”

  “She’s in there,” I pointed down the hall. “She’s the whole reason I’m here,” I kept my voice low.

  “Who? What are you talking about?”

  “Remember I was about to relapse? It’s because of her, Stephanie Frost. I can’t do this, man.”

  “Slow down.” He glanced at his watch. “We have about ten minutes before the others start to show. Tell me what’s going on so I can help you.”

  I took a deep breath. “Stephanie and I used to be an exclusive item. Her brother robbed a convenience store, shot the guy and left him paralyzed. I was the only witness, and that’s because I happened to pull up in front of the store as he was running out. I found the guy lying a pool of blood and called for help.”

  “And?” he poured a cup of coffee and handed it to me. “Oh! I get it. You were the witness and had to testify against him or something, right?”

  “No,” I watched him pour himself a cup of coffee. “I’ve never told you this before, but my dad’s a cop—was a cop. He’s retired now. Being the son of a police officer, I knew what type of evidence they looked for and the best way to get rid of it. I promised Stephanie that I would never tell—and I didn’t.”

  “The secret tore your relationship apart?”

  “Worse. I was on the phone with her the day after it all happened, and my dad—his nosy ass—overheard me talking to Stephanie on the phone. I’m not sure what he heard, but he went into his bedroom and picked up the phone in his room and started listening in on us. Mick, he heard me tell her where her brother should hide his shoes, the clothes he was wearing, everything and then went to all of those locations and fished them out of the trash. One piece at a time until he had it all. Every piece of evidence that he needed to take the next step in his career. He used me to put her brother away and to get ahead in his career so he could retire early. That fucking bastard. I hate him for it. He ruined my life.”

  “Matt, as long as I’ve known you, I’ve never known any of this. That must be a lot of weight to carry around,” he put his hand on my shoulder. “You gotta open up more, man. Let people in.”

  “It’s not my strong point. Besides, I told her I didn’t tell, but she didn’t believe me. If you want to know the truth, I don’t think any of her family believed me. I think they all blamed me. If it weren’t for that asshole trying to get himself ahead, I’d have a cushy job as an engineer and I’d be married to that woman in there.”

  His face twisted. “How come I’m just now hearing about all this? Why didn’t you tell me all this before? I’m your sponsor; I need to know these things.”

  “It wasn’t an issue until I rescued her and her son from a fire last night at Peach Tree Apartments. They were one of the last people out of the building. You should’ve seen her, man. She looked just as gorgeous as the last day I saw her. She hasn’t changed a bit.”

  “Ahh, so you ran into the ghost of the past and needed to put those spirits to rest. I got it.”

  A man walked in, nodded and took a seat. “We’ll talk about this later, but you need to start thinking of a way to put the past to bed.”

  During the meeting, that was all I did. I couldn’t stop thinking about how to find closure and move on. By the end of the meeting, I decided that I was going to talk to her. There’s nothing wrong with seeing how she’s doing and saying hi. As close as we used to be, she would probably like that, or, at least, I hope so because that’s exactly what I’m doing. If I learned one thing while I was getting myself straight after being homeless and going down a destructive path is that—

  “Matt? Are you listening?” Mick was looking at me, and so was everyone else. I could feel the heat radiating from my face as my cheeks turned crimson. I nodded. “Would you like to introduce yourself to the group?”

  “Uh, yes,” I cleared my throat. “My name is Matt, and I’m an alcoholic. I have five years of sobriety, and I came because it’s been a while.”

  “Thank you, Matt.”

  When the meeting was over, I couldn’t wait to see if I could find her. Everyone poured out of the cramped, stuffy room and made their descent towards the double doors that led to the parking lot. I made a sharp right, heading the opposite direction towards the room where she was.

  Chapter 5

  Stephanie

  I was helping Susan pack up the leftover leaflets from our meeting when I heard a deep voice and looked up. He was standing in the doorway looking confident and cocky. Mesmerized by his bulging biceps and perfect waist, I was too dumbfounded to respond after he asked how I was doing. My mouth hung open as a few of the papers slipped out of my hand. Susan bumped me with her hip to knock me out of my daze.

  “Uh,” I stuttered. “Hi, Matt.”

  “I asked how you’re doing,” he smiled, standing a little taller than I remembered him.

  “Oh, um, good.” Damn. I don’t remember him being that fine. I mean, he was always good looking, but his body was bulkier, thicker and muscular. He had definitely given himself a makeover, and it was obvious that time agreed with him. He hadn’t aged at all.

  “And your boy? How’s he?” he stepped closer.

  The breath in my throat hitched as the scent of his cologne filled my senses. I could smell, taste and damn near wanted to touch it. “He’s fine.” I backed up and tripped over a chair leg. I glanced over at Susan, who was blatantly amused as she wore a cocky smile on her face. “The hospital said his oxygen levels were fine.”

  The weight of the room shifted as he looked over at Susan. “Can we talk? For just a minute.”

  I looked at Susan, almost seeking her permission. She granted it. “Sure,” I paused as I sat down the leaflets, trying to buy myself a moment to think. “We can head out to the commons area. They have donuts and juice, I’m sure.”

  “I didn’t come here for donuts and juice. Why don’t we go outside for a moment?”

  I looked into his dark eyes a
nd noticed that his soft, long brown hair barely touched his lashes. I swallowed the lump in my throat. Suddenly, the temperature of the room matched the heat of the blazing fire from the night before. As I continued to stare into his eyes, flashes of his laughter, smile and the way he used to strum the guitar as he sung to me on dates raced through my mind. “Okay,” I mustered.

  “I’ll go ahead and finish up in here,” Susan stared at us as she attempted to stack upside down chairs on the table. The legs clumsily banged into the table.

  He led me outside, near his truck. “Sorry if this is awkward, Stephanie, but I had to talk to you.”

  “How did you know I was here?” it had crossed my mind inside before he invaded my personal space.

  “Let’s not talk about that.” He seemed to want to change the subject. “I wanted to say hi, check in and see how you were doing. You have a cute boy,” he complimented.

  “Thanks. His name is Andrew, and he’s three-years-old.”

  “This might be out of my element, and maybe I shouldn’t ask this, but would you join me for a cup of coffee? We can take my truck. I figure your car was one of them that were damaged by the fire.”

  “You figured right,” I bit my lip, debating what I should do. Lance would kill me if he found out that I went out with him, and even though I wasn’t ready to forgive him, I was drawn to him. I missed him. “I’d love to go with you, but I can’t tonight. My brother’s watching my boy right now and he wouldn’t like—”

  “I get it. You don’t have to explain. Have a good night.” He started to climb into the cab of his truck.

  “Wait!” I grabbed his arm to stop him. Damn. His muscles are bigger than my thigh. I became aware of the fact that I was touching his body and pulled my hand away. “I didn’t say no.” He cocked his head and grinned at me. “Maybe tomorrow? Let me see when my friend is available to watch Andrew, okay?”