Recovered

by Jay Crownover

  I tried to roll my eyes but it hurt too badly, so I ended up squinting at her from the couch. “I don’t even know where the grocery store is.” I would rather have her pull out all my teeth with rusty pliers before admitting I also had no idea where the laundry room was in this sprawling house or which of the stainless steel appliances in the gourmet kitchen was the dishwasher. I closed my eyes and laid my head back as an army of elephants started doing the tango in my brain. “Besides, I’ve spent the last year and a half being told when to eat. When to go outside. When to shower and shit. I haven’t been living in the lap of luxury.” And as soon as I’d left prison I’d gone right into the sober living facility, which had been as far from extravagant as could be. The place was only a couple of steps up from a slum, as far as I was concerned.

  Affton started slamming the cabinet doors for no other reason than to irritate me. I swore and grabbed one of the designer pillows decorating the couch to cover my head.

  “You’re unbelievable. You know that, right?” I didn’t answer her, but I felt the tension that seemed to snap and pop from her move closer to where I was doing a pretty good impression of a beached manatee. “There is only one person you can blame for your recent, less-than-stellar accommodations. Speaking of which, did your parole officer call this morning?”

  “Fuck.” I threw the pillow off my face and moved faster than I thought my sore, hungover body could move. I could get called in for a piss test anytime between eight and five. I only had an hour to get to the facility, and if I didn’t show or pissed hot, I was on my way back to lock up.

  I’d left my phone on the imported marble countertop and put it on silent so I didn’t have to listen to it ping with notifications from my mom. She wanted to know if I was doing okay and make sure I didn’t do anything to chase off Affton. If I was speaking to her, I would have told her Affton didn’t scare easy. She proved it the day she confronted me in the parking lot, and she kept proving it as she refused to move out of my way as I bolted for the phone. She wasn’t someone I could roll over with manipulation and intimidation. She stood her ground.

  The screen had a multitude of missed messages. None were from my dad, which wasn’t surprising. Most were from my mom, a few were from girls who wanted to touch base now that I was out, and several were from a blocked number I knew belonged to a reporter who had been all over me since I was released early. The last thing I wanted was my face plastered all over what passed as the news in Loveless. I wanted that almost as little as I wanted to talk about the night I had gone from a fuck-up to a felon.

  I didn’t want to talk about it.

  I didn’t want to think about it.

  I didn’t want to remember it.

  And I really, really didn’t want to relive it every single second of every single day. I could feel familiar pressure starting to weigh down the center of my chest. My lungs squeezed tight as my breath whooshed in and out and my blood turned to ice and struggled to move through my veins. All I wanted was a drink, or a line, or a smoke. All I wanted was everything I couldn’t have to get out from under all the things that I was sure were going to bury me.

  “Did he call?”

  I forgot Affton was there until her question snapped me back to reality. I scrolled through all the messages and shook my head at her. “No. I’m in the clear.” At least I was this morning. If I did something stupid like getting wasted and passing out without my phone again, I might not be so lucky. The expression on Affton’s face clearly indicated that she was aware of the truth. I tended to be one lucky bastard.

  She pointed to the phone. “Call your dad and tell him you don’t need the housekeeper while you’re here this summer.”

  I let out a startled laugh and lifted my hands to rub my aching temples. “Why would I do that?” I usually enjoyed the sound of her voice, but I would be really happy if she stopped using it until I had my headache under control.

  “You’re going to do that because you and I are perfectly capable of keeping ourselves fed and this house in order. You might be comfortable being waited on hand and foot, but I’m not. And since you have to go where I go for the foreseeable future, that means you are about to find out where the grocery store is.” She sounded unwavering and firm in her decision.

  She was an anomaly. Who wanted to pass up the chance to spend a summer at the beach being catered to and pampered? Who didn’t want to exploit all the wealth she currently had at her fingertips? This girl was different than anyone I’d ever met, and I wasn’t sure what in the hell I was supposed to do with her.

  “I’m not calling my dad.” Hell would freeze over before I gave that bastard the time of day. I tapped my phone on the counter and watched as she bristled at my words. “Miglena is a nice lady. She doesn’t make a ton of money and she has a buttload of kids. I’m not going to take an entire summer of pay away from her because you’re all fired up to teach me some bullshit lesson about independence and responsibility.”

  I watched as some of the fight drained out of her. Her shoulders fell and some of the heat wilted out of her eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her fingers in agitation as she considered me thoughtfully for a long moment. Finally, she shrugged, turned on her heel, and headed toward the guest rooms. “Fine. She can cook and clean for you, but I’m not letting her do anything for me. That means you need to take a shower and wash the stench off yourself because I still need to go to the grocery store and I’m not supposed to leave you here alone.”

  I wanted to tell her I had been here alone all day yesterday, but I lost that argument by getting wasted before she showed up. I was a twenty-year-old man. I shouldn’t need a keeper, but nothing I had done proved that to be the case. Forever a fuck-up. Forever finding new ways to fail.

  Annoyed, I smirked at her disappearing back and drawled, “The MILF on the beach this morning didn’t think there was anything wrong with the way I look.” Most women didn’t.

  Affton stopped and shot me a look over her shoulder. It didn’t take her longer than a second to fire back, “She obviously wasn’t close enough to smell you. Go take a shower, Cable.”

  I scowled as she swept out of the room leaving me alone so I could discreetly sniff under my arm. I made a face and dropped my arm when I caught a whiff of the less-than-pleasant odor.

  I smelled like a drunk.

  I smelled like a bum.

  I smelled like bad choices and regret.

  I thought about stubbornly refusing to do anything she asked. I didn’t want her here, and I didn’t want to be stuck on the end of her leash; I also couldn’t imagine sitting around the house, both of us pissed off and hungry because I was acting ridiculous. That behavior had landed me in the deepest, darkest hole I’d ever been in, and I was just starting to make the slow climb back to where I used to be. It wouldn’t kill me to tag along with her to the store. After all, she was going to have to be my chauffeur to and from my check-ins. That meant she was going to know firsthand if her efforts to keep my nose and veins clean had paid off. There would be no hiding my failure from her.

  I hit the shower, and it took about a second for me to realize this was where I should have gone instead of searching for a drink yesterday.

  Showers in prison were anything but relaxing, and the shower at the group home had hardly worked. I knew my soul would never be clean, but standing under the scalding water in a real shower, it started to feel slightly less filthy. The water did wonders. It washed away a plethora of bad things, and it zapped some of my hangover down the drain. My head was still throbbing, and my eyes still felt like they were being rubbed raw by sandpaper each time I blinked, but the aches from my night and the stiffness in my limbs loosened.

  It also only took a second for me to regret not taking the beach babes up on their offer to hang out. I enjoyed being alone, but I also tended to lose my loneliness inside of a warm and willing body. I’d lost my virginity by the end of my freshman year and hadn’t spent many nights alone until I got locked up
. Now, I’d been without someone else longer than I’d been without any of my other vices, and my body was noticing the loss. My dick went hard at the wayward thought of just how long and tanned Affton’s legs were in those shorts of hers, and it throbbed when I recalled that sliver of skin at the curve of her back.

  I let out a string of explicit words and lifted one of my hands to the tiles in front of me. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to pull up an image of any of the girls who passed in and out of my life who weren’t Affton Reed. There had been plenty of them. Most of them a lot more welcoming and friendly than Affton. At least until I ghosted them after I got the few, stolen moments of peace and quiet being inside them offered.

  But, because I was broken in all kinds of terrible ways, it was only her messy blonde hair and those lapis-colored eyes I could conjure as I slowly started to work my fist up and down the length of my straining erection. Sure, back when we were nothing more than strangers who passed each other silently in the hallways during school, I’d imagined Affton doing all kinds of dirty, raunchy things I doubt she had ever experienced. There wasn’t a guy in the school who didn’t have a passing fantasy about ruffling her seemingly unrufflable feathers. Jerking off to the idea of her legs and her sweet, golden skin when she was just a few doors away seemed more illicit and wrong. I enjoyed it even more.

  The idea that she might find out, that she might catch me and demand to know what I was doing made me even harder and had pleasure coiling tighter around the base of my spine. I wanted to tell her I got off thinking about her. I wanted to scandalize and outrage her. I craved a reaction from her. It made it seem like maybe we're more similar than I thought. Both of us reacting against our will. Both of us responding because we had no choice.

  I was so hard that it hurt, and when I finally found release, I had to bite back a sound of satisfaction that sounded suspiciously similar to Affton’s name. I ended the shower feeling a little bit dirtier than I had when I went in, but at least I smelled a whole lot better.

  Affton

  “REALLY, WHAT ARE your plans for the entire summer, Cable? You can’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself day in and day out.”

  Well, he could, and he seemed perfectly content to do exactly that, but if I had to watch him wallow in self-pity all day, every day, I was going to lose my mind. Actions had consequences, and clearly it was the first time in his life that Cable had to face those nasty little fuckers head-on.

  He looked at me out of the corner of his eye from where he was folded into my passenger seat, an unlit cigarette dangling his lips. I refused to let him smoke in my car, and I stuck to my guns even though the car was a thousand years old and already had a distinct smell of its own. His hair was still wet, and his attitude was piss poor and prickly. Being trapped in a small space with him was unnerving, and I was disturbed by the way the space between us seemed charged and electric. If I moved in any direction, I worried there was a risk of getting shocked. I didn’t want to have any kind of reaction to this sullen, spoiled boy. I wanted to be immune. Numb. Frozen.

  He plucked the cigarette out of his mouth and put it behind his ear. His wide shoulders lifted and dropped in a bored shrug. “You’re here to ensure I can't do all the things I normally do, so I guess I’ll have to find other ways to entertain myself.”

  The suggestive drop in his tone made me blush as I cast a narrow-eyed look in his direction. It bugged me that every time he insinuated something sexual, I couldn’t control the way my blood heated and my heart rate sped. I tried to convince myself it was from embarrassment and awkwardness, but I’d never been a very good liar.

  “You know that anyone who comes into the house has to go through me first, right? You can’t waltz any party girl you want through the door without me making sure she’s not carrying anything for you.” I couldn’t hold back a cringe at the idea of having to shake down strangers just because Cable couldn’t make good choices. It was going to be terrible and ruin my entire summer, but I told his mom I would do my best to keep him sober to save my dad’s job, and I meant it.

  He let out a low grunt and turned his head so that he was looking out the window when I wheeled into the parking lot of the small grocery store.

  “That’s going to be a bit of a buzzkill, Reed, but that’s nothing new with you, is it?”

  I didn’t respond. Instead, I threw open the door and stepped out. It was hot and muggy out, so I instantly felt wilted and sticky. I lifted my hair off the back of my neck and continued to glare at Cable as he took his time getting out of the car. The cigarette was back in his mouth, the tip glowing before he had the passenger door shut.

  A plume of smoke drifted between us as he told me quietly, “I was actually thinking about working on my GED while I have nothing else to do this summer. I started studying for it when I was locked up, but it was too hard. I couldn’t afford to have my attention on anything other than keeping my ass safe and not pissing off the wrong people.” His tone was deeper than usual. Thoughtful, even. There was honesty and reflection there I would bet he didn’t mean to share with me. His time locked up hadn’t been easy, and once again I was reminded that I was the catalyst for that. It made my heart drop and my throat feel tight. Compassion was so much harder than the hate I was comfortable with.

  I stood silent, mouth open in shock, brain whirling in circles the entire time it took him to finish his smoke. I had to shake my head to wrangle my thoughts into order.

  “I . . . well . . . that’s a great idea. You should totally do that.” I never stuttered. I never tripped over my words. I never stumbled. I detested that this boy was the one who knocked me off kilter and made me unsteady. I hated that he was the one who tripped me up over and over again.

  “Don’t get too excited. I still plan on fucking myself stupid and spending my days surfing. I just thought I might as well do something productive for once in my life while I have all this time on my hands.” His blunt statement shook the last of my surprise away. I wanted to kick myself for believing—for even a second—that Cable James McCaffrey had learned a lesson from all the destruction he had caused.

  I cleared my throat and adjusted the strap of my purse on my shoulder. “If you stay on the wagon, I really don’t care what you do with your free time.” But because I was a glutton for punishment, I couldn’t hold back the offer to help him do something right. “If you’re serious about the GED, let me know, and I’ll help you study. I was valedictorian.” I’d accepted the honor and given a speech to my graduating class only a couple of weeks ago. I was sure a lifetime had passed between then and now. I cocked my head to the side and studied him as he fell in step beside me, his handsome face set in familiar, disinterested lines. “Do you really surf?”

  He looked like a surfer with his shaggy, dirty blond hair and the careless scruff that darkened his chin and cheeks. He had on a light gray t-shirt featuring the logo of his parents’ brewery and a pair of jeans that were in far better shape than the ones he’d dipped in the Gulf last night. He was wearing faded black Converse that were almost identical to mine. Looking at him, it was impossible to tell he was the privileged son of a couple of millionaires. He didn’t look like an ex-con or a recovering addict. At least he didn’t until you got to his eyes.

  Those dark orbs were perfect for hiding secrets, but if you looked hard enough, you could see the storm raging inside of Cable McCaffrey. There were shadows in those dark eyes, and they were at war with him.

  They were winning.

  I stiffened as his hand landed on the small of my back where my shirt was tied so it fit instead of hanging down around my thighs. It was one of my favorites. I stole it from my dad and refused to give it back even though it was three sizes too big. The bare skin where his palm landed tingled, and I quickly took a step forward to break the contact.

  “Yeah, I can surf. We’ve had this house since I was little. I learned how so I didn’t have to be stuck inside while my parents did their best to eat each other alive. I never
particularly looked forward to summer vacation, but I always loved being on the water.” He took the cart from me and immediately put his feet on the bar and rode it like a scooter as we started through the store. “I was into the girls in bikinis who liked surfers even more.”

  I bristled and was going to snap at him that he was into anyone who had a willing vagina when I realized by the smirk on his face and quirk in his gold-tinted eyebrows that he was baiting me. He knew it ruffled my feathers when he brought up sex and his vast experience with the opposite sex. He was purposely rattling my cage just to get a reaction.

  Onto his game, I changed the subject and obediently followed as he swung the cart away from the vegetables and fruit and headed toward the center aisles. I never shopped from the center of the store. That was a luxury my dad and I could rarely afford. I figured Cable would get bored after the novelty of wandering up and down the aisles wore off, and I could get what I came for.

  “If you’re thinking about a GED, does that mean you might be interested in college next year?”

  He gave me a look over his shoulder that made me shiver. “I’m not really the sit-in-a-classroom-all-day type. I get bored and distracted, and when I’m bored and distracted, I find things that aren’t any good for me to entertain myself.”

  I huffed a little and reached into the cart to pull out the bag of Doritos he had just thrown in. Spicy Nacho was my favorite, but if he wanted them, he could have his dad’s housekeeper bring him some. I wasn’t paying for his munchies. “College isn’t the same as high school. You’re more in control. You get to focus on the stuff that interests you, not the stuff everyone else thinks you should know.”