Recovered

by Jay Crownover

  But we thought about it.

  It was there in his eyes. I felt it whenever he almost smiled. I dreamed about it at night, and I knew he thought about it whenever I leaned close to write something down and whenever I touched him . . . mostly on accident. Sometimes it was on purpose. However, neither one of us made a move to go back there. It was a place that was too precarious, too risky. There was too much at stake, and neither one of us was willing to take that kind of gamble on the other.

  I sighed and stuck my spoon in my rapidly melting rocky road. Jordan ordered a cone, but I always ate my ice cream out of a bowl. I wasn’t fast enough to avoid the mess that came from racing against the Texas heat. “We’re making the best out of a bad situation. He’s managed to stay straight since I’ve been there, not that he’s happy about it.” I lifted a shoulder and let it fall in a half-hearted shrug. “I think I’ve put a kink in his typical mojo with the ladies. That isn’t tension you’re feeling; it’s his frustration.” I pointed the end of my spoon at her as she smiled at a couple of the boys who walked by our tiny table, obviously trying to get her attention. “I’m happy to see you, Jo, but I still want to know why you showed up out of the blue. What happened?”

  She swirled her tongue around the edge of her scoop, and one of the boys tripped over his own feet. It was a common reaction. Jordan was one of those girls who was inherently sexy. She didn’t have to work at it at all. She just oozed confidence and sexuality. It didn’t hurt anything that she was built along the lines of a Kardashian and had the prettiest, shiniest, thickest head of jet black hair I’d ever seen. Combined with her light blue eyes, she could pass as one of the girls who graced the cover of Maxim, but fortunately, she was smart enough to know her looks would only get her so far in life, so she actually had a spectacular personality. She was funny. She was sweet. She was savvy and smart. She was avoiding my gaze as I waited her out. I wasn’t backing down until she told me why she was here.

  She turned her attention back to me and lightly cleared her throat. “I missed you. You’re going to be gone all summer, and then you’re off to California where you’ll probably forget all about me. Is it so unthinkable that I wanted to spend time with my bestie before she’s gone?”

  “Unthinkable, no . . . unlikely, yes.” I cocked my head to the side and studied her closely. “You know you have an open invitation to visit, but it isn’t like you to show up out of nowhere. Especially, when you know Cable can be so unpredictable. Lord knows how he’s going to respond to having another woman invade his summer sanctuary.”

  “Yeah. What’s up with the Russian hottie? Who is she?” Miglena had been cleaning the kitchen when Jordan showed up: a task that was surprisingly easy since Cable had been making more of an effort to pick up after himself. There were fewer dirty dishes in the sink now, and I couldn’t remember the last time I tripped over his shoes. He was still leaving his wet clothes wherever they landed, but neither Miglena or I said anything about it. Progress was progress no matter how small it might seem. She also agreed to stick around until I got back in case Cable needed a ride to the testing facility. The boy needed to clean his act up so he could get his license back. Luckily, Cable was still in bed, and I hustled my friend out of the house before he realized he was about to have another piece of his past occupying his present. I had a feeling he wouldn’t do well with anyone from Loveless, and Jordan was impossible to forget.

  “She’s from Bulgaria, not Russia, and she’s the housekeeper and Mr. McCaffrey’s mistress, or she used to be.” I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that Cable had sisters he’d never met. His life seemed so lonely. He really was disconnected, and it was clear it wasn’t all his fault. “Apparently his dad cheated on his mom on a pretty regular basis. It’s part of the reason neither one of them realized he was in trouble. They were too busy messing up their own lives to notice he was destroying his.”

  “Rich people are so complicated.”

  I let out a little snort. “You have no idea. And you can quit changing the subject. Talk to me, Jordan. Tell me what happened.”

  She licked the back of her thumb where some of her strawberry ice cream had dripped. “I was maybe, possibly, probably internet stalking Diego.” She sighed and lowered her lashes. “I saw a bunch of pictures of him on Instagram kissing some girl. I mean kissing, Affton. This wasn’t any peck on the cheek. I know we’re not together anymore and that we’re headed in different directions, but damn . . . it hurt.”

  “Oh, Jo. I’m so sorry.” I reached out and put my hand on top of her free one. “That sucks.”

  “Mom asked me why I was crying, why I wasn’t eating, and I lost it. I felt so stupid. I don’t want to be hung up on some guy who doesn’t want me anymore. I don’t want to be the girl feeling sorry for herself . . . but I am. So, I packed a bag and left. I just needed some space.” She got up to throw the rest of her cone away and was immediately set upon by the boys who had been checking her out earlier. She gave them a weak smile and shook her head at whatever they asked before making her way back to the table. She fell into the seat opposite me with a dramatic groan. “I figured you would be happy to see me. I know you were dreading spending day in and day out with your arch nemesis.”

  I grinned at that and pushed my mostly eaten ice cream away from me. “Obviously, I’m happy to see you, but Cable . . .” I trailed off, not sure there were words to describe all the things that boy made me feel. “He’s not as bad as I thought he was going to be. He’s not the same as he was when we were in school.” We weren’t enemies or friends. I wasn’t sure what we were.

  “You mean he’s not broody, and moody, and smoking hot?” She lifted up her dark eyebrows and gave me a knowing grin. “He doesn’t get under your skin and make you crazy anymore?”

  I made a face and tapped my fingers on the top of the table. “Okay, he’s still kind of the same, but he doesn’t seem as desperate to destroy himself as he did back then. He’s settled down some.”

  “Really? Are you sure he’s not on his best behavior since you’re here? What are the chances he’d go right back to the way he was if you weren’t watching? Do you think he’s changed for the better, or you’re just hoping he has because of everything you went through with your mom?” That was the thing about best friends, they didn’t have to have the entire story to know how it went. If they knew you well enough, if they cared, really, truly cared, they knew your story even if you didn’t tell it.

  It was my turn to avoid her knowing gaze. “I don’t know. He seems like he wants something better. He won’t talk about the accident, and when someone brings it up, he panics and breaks down. That’s not how someone with no remorse acts. I think he wants to change but doesn’t necessarily believe he can.” I leaned closer to her and told her, “I don’t think it’s all addiction, Jo. I think he’s depressed. Not sad but honestly, uncontrollably depressed. Sometimes he seems to have it all together, and he’s a normal, cocky guy who is super annoying. Other days, he’s beyond moody, and he acts like nothing in the entire world matters. Then there are the days he disappears inside himself. Those are the ones that are the worst.” Those were the days he scared me, the ones where I could see him jonesing, itching for something to help lift the fog that surrounded him. “What if all of this is self-medicating gone horribly wrong? What if he got in too deep because the hole he was digging for himself never bottomed out . . . until he bottomed out?”

  “I mean, do guys who have everything Cable McCaffrey has suffer from depression?” Jordan asked the question skeptically, and I couldn’t blame her. On the outside, he didn’t seem like he had any reason not to be the happiest guy in the world, but things like depression and addiction didn’t work that way. They didn’t care what you had. They didn’t care what you lost.

  I told her, “Anyone can struggle with depression. He isn’t talking to his counselor the way he should be. He isn’t being honest about how he feels about the accident or the time he spent locked up. He isn’t looking for
help, so whatever improvements he’s made won’t last very long.” He wouldn’t get better on his own. He couldn’t recover without help.

  She tilted her head to the side as she considered me thoughtfully for a long moment. “Are you sure you’re not projecting what happened in your past onto your current situation? Do you think that maybe you’re grasping at straws, looking for reasons Cable did what he did since you couldn’t find one for why your mom did what she did?”

  My fingers tucked into a fist so that my fingernails were digging into my palm. It was a fair question, one I’d asked myself several times over the last few weeks. “My mom did drugs because she wanted to be high more than she wanted to be a mom and a wife. It stopped being about the pain management and started being about the addiction pretty early on. From what I can tell, Cable didn’t enjoy any part of being an addict. He didn’t use because he loved it; he used because he felt like he had to.” And sadly, I knew deep down, if he didn’t talk to someone, if he didn’t let someone connect with him, relate to him, then the chances were incredibly high he would go right back to the only thing he knew made him feel better.

  Jordan dipped her chin down in agreement. “I don’t want to see you get all wrapped up in this guy, is all. You refused to let anyone slow you down or get in your way all through high school. You skipped every milestone you were supposed to have because you always had your eyes on the prize, and now all of sudden, all you can see is Cable. He’s no prize, Affton. You need to remember that.”

  “He needs someone.” I believed that with every fiber of my being.

  She frowned at me and leaned closer so we were both hovering over the table, almost nose to nose. “That someone doesn’t always have to be you.”

  It didn’t have to be, but I kind of wanted it to be. I could get seriously hung up on the idea of being someone Cable could confide in. I wanted to be someone whom he trusted and relied on. I wanted to save him, just like he tried to save me when he thought I was drowning.

  I grabbed my melted ice cream and pushed to my feet. “That person doesn’t have to be me, but right now I’m the only option he’s got.” The only person he would let get close enough to touch those dark and dangerous places. “Let’s head to the house and hope he’s there and not out on the water so we can break the news to him that you’re crashing with us for a little while.”

  She laughed and hooked her arm through mine. “You’re not hurting for room in that place. You weren’t kidding. It could totally be a hotel, complete with housekeeping.”

  It could be, but oddly there never seemed to be enough space. I could feel Cable everywhere. There was no escaping him no matter where I went in the house.

  “I told Cable I wouldn’t let Miglena clean up after me or cook for me while I was there. It’s just too weird.”

  Jordan whipped her dark head around so that she was gaping at me, her mouth hanging open in disbelief. “You have the opportunity to be waited on hand and foot all summer, and you’re wasting it? What is wrong with you, woman?”

  I knew she was playing, so I elbowed her in the side. “Stop. You know I’m used to taking care of myself. Plus Miglena is the only person I’ve had to talk to all summer besides Cable. She’s almost a friend now.”

  Jordan laughed and stopped next to my car. She drove a sweet Jeep Cherokee that her parents bought her for graduation, but she looked dead on her feet when she showed up at the beach house, so I offered to drive to the kitschy ice cream shop. “A friend who boned Cable’s dad. That’s so predictable, the rich dad banging the hot maid.”

  “She takes care of the house, and I think she took care of Cable when his mom didn’t, so she’s much more than a maid.” I sounded defensive.

  My bestie let go of her hold on my arm and held up her hands in a gesture of surrender. “I’m just kidding . . . about both. You never let anyone lift a finger to do anything for you, and from what I could tell in the few minutes I met her, she seemed nice enough.”

  I reached out and pulled Jordan into a hug. “This summer is making me crazy. I know you were teasing and even though the reason that brought you here sucks, I’m really happy to see you.”

  She hugged me back and whispered in my ear, “It’s not the summer that’s making you crazy, it’s that boy. He’s always been able to get to you, even when you didn’t speak to or barely even knew one another. You thought you hid it, but I saw you watching him when no one else was around.”

  She wasn’t wrong.

  We got into the car, and she filled me in on the girl in the pictures with Diego. She was a redhead. She was in a bikini. She filled out said bikini spectacularly. What really sent her over the edge were the hashtags, #trueluv, #neverfeltlikethis, #myheart. She’d been serious about him, and it didn’t appear he felt the same. I told her babes in bikinis were a common occurrence wherever Cable went, so I understood that burn of jealousy. The reason I fell off the surfboard that first time out was because I was distracted by the brunette kissing up on him on the shore. She was the same one he’d been groping in the water the day I snooped through his sketch pad. I didn’t want to care about her and how she had her hands all over him, but I did, and it made me fall.

  I considered telling Jordan about the kiss. Our kiss. Oh, that kiss. But since Cable and I weren’t talking about it, it didn’t seem right. If he didn’t want to acknowledge that it happened, then neither did I. I didn’t want it to mean more to me than it did to him. See . . . he was making me crazy.

  When we got back to the house, Jordan was yawning every few minutes, clearly ready for a nap. It was obvious Cable was up and about as soon as we pushed open the front door. There was angry death metal blasting over the house sound system and the distinct smell of something burning coming from the kitchen.

  Jordan and I both picked up the pace and found Cable at the stove, a spatula in hand as something in front of him sent plumes of smoke toward the ceiling.

  “What are you doing? Where’s Miglena?” I rushed into the kitchen and pulled the pan off the burner, wincing because it was so hot. He had the flame turned all the way up, and what appeared to be a grilled cheese was nothing more than a lump of charcoal now. He blinked at me, and he looked over at Jordan, leaning against the massive island, watching us with wide eyes.

  “I told her to go home. Figured I could manage a grilled cheese on my own.” He lifted a hand and rubbed it over the golden stubble that dotted his chin. “Guess not.”

  I dumped the pan in the sink and turned on the water. I waved a hand in front of my face and coughed through the smoke. “Since you told Miglena to go home, how were you planning on getting to your parole officer if you got called in?”

  He squinted at me and settled his gaze on Jordan. “I know you, don’t I?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. We went to school together. I dated Parker Calhoun for a little bit when the two of you hung out. I’ve been to your house for a party or two.”

  I grabbed his elbow and pulled his attention back to me. “Seriously. What were you going to do if you had to go somewhere? You know you can’t miss those tests.”

  He swore at me and shook my hand off his arm. “I wasn’t thinking about that.”

  I scowled at him and poked him in the center of his chest with my finger. “You weren’t thinking at all.”

  He returned my look, both of us glaring and neither of us getting anywhere. After a minute of silence, he returned his attention to Jordan, that false, charming grin of his plastered on his face. “What are you doing here? Reed didn’t mention we were having company.”

  She blew out a breath and leaned on the counter. “I came to visit my girl; she didn’t even know I was coming. Wanted to make sure the two of you haven’t killed each other yet.”

  His grin widened, and I saw Jordan react. It was impossible not to. He knew how to use that smile. He knew how to use all the weapons at his disposal in order to be disarming and enticing.

  “No one’s died yet. How long are you staying?” He didn�
��t seem to mind that she was here, but I didn’t trust that easy acceptance for a second.

  “Just a couple of days. I have to get back to Loveless. I’m training for a new job this summer and can’t afford to be gone very long.”

  That smile shifted to something cunning and calculating as he turned his head to look at me. Those dark eyes were planning, plotting, and I could practically see the wheels turning in his head. He was up to something, something I wasn’t going to be on board with.

  “Perfect. I’ve been looking for a reason to have a party. We should throw one while you’re here. We can have a bonfire on the beach.”

  Jordan perked up at that. She was always down for a good time, and I was sure she was thinking about all the revenge pictures she could post on Instagram. She had no idea this was a test, some kind of game.

  “That’s a terrible idea. There is no way to monitor everyone who would be coming in and out of this house.” There would be no way to keep an eye on him and make sure he didn’t go back to his old ways.

  “I’ve been so good. Don’t you trust me, Reed?” He was taunting me, because that’s what he always did. This was the Cable who wanted to prove a point. This was the dangerous Cable.

  “I mean, sort of. But you can’t expect me to trust a bunch of strangers. Who knows what they’d bring in or take out.” If the house got looted and trashed, I would be the one held accountable.

  He looked at Jordan who was switching her gaze between the two of us like she was watching a tennis match. He lifted his eyebrows at her and smirked. “Your girl is allergic to fun.”

  Jordan laughed and shrugged at me. “He’s kind of right. You do get itchy and sneezy whenever someone tries to force fun on you.” She was always saying I needed to live a little. She spent most of our friendship trying to pull me out of my secure shell of oblivion. She wanted me to experience things, both good and bad, so of course, she agreed to this nonsense. She didn’t care how it would affect Cable, she wanted a wild beach blow out for me . . . and for her.