Ruin You Completely

by Calia Read

  “It’s a bad habit.”

  “You smoke,” I pointed out.

  “Ah, Katinka, if the past has showed you anything, it should be to never follow by my example.”

  I had nothing to say to that. He flicked the cigarette butt out the window.

  “You never answered my question.”

  “Sorry. I was in shock over your new habit.” He glanced down at me and smirked before he relented. “I went back to work for my family.”

  “And?” I prodded.

  “And I lived the life that I had before you,” he said somewhat bitterly.

  A part of me was jealous that he could slip so easily into his old life. Whereas I struggled. I struggled to play the piano. I struggled in my daily life. I struggled to not think about him.

  Mathias’ lips pulled up into a smile. It never reached his eyes. “What did you expect?”

  I looked out the window. “Nothing,” I lied.

  “And you? What did you do after I left?”

  “I got a new piano instructor.”

  “Do you like Nadia?”

  I frowned at him. “First name basis? You seem to already know so much.”

  “I kept track of your career, but not your life.”

  “You want to know about my private life.”

  He nodded briskly.

  “There’s nothing to tell.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  I shrugged, stubbornly keeping my mouth shut.

  “There’s something between you and Lukas,” he said after a moment.

  My eyes slid his way. His piercing stare slipped past skin, and peered directly at my heart.

  “Does it bother you if there is?”

  We reached a stoplight. His hand moved across the console and curved around my knee possessively. “You have no idea how much it does.”

  I shivered at his words. His touch. All of it. By the end of the night I would be undone. This dinner couldn’t start fast enough.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  Mathias shifted gears. “You’ll see…”

  A few minutes later, he parked. I looked around until I saw a small diner up ahead with an Open sign. It looked dingy and small, with only a few people inside.

  The minute I stepped outside, I took a deep breath, letting the cold air hit against my face. I took a deep breath, suddenly feeling homesick.

  “What’s that face for?”

  I glanced at Mathias. “Just miss Garmisch.”

  Mathias nodded and stared down at the ground, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

  “Remember Neuschwanstein?”

  Playing the ‘Remember When’ game was never safe. For anyone. No one won. Unwanted feelings resurfaced and you became wistful, seeing the edges of a sparkling moment and wanting more.

  I glanced at Mathias. “I remember a lot of things.”

  His eyes burned. “Like?”

  I looked away. “We’re not having this conversation.”

  Mathias’ hand snaked out, grabbing my bicep. “Maybe we should.”

  Cold, crisp air slammed into my body, but I felt like I was on fire.

  “I meant what I said last night. I can’t forget about what happened.”

  “I told you: if I could take it back-”

  “The pain doesn’t disappear overnight, Mathias. I’m not like you. I have feelings. I care.”

  My words didn’t seem to affect him. If anything they made him come alive. He slowly stalked forward, like a predator, hellbent on getting what he wanted. “You don’t think I care?”

  “Don’t,” I whispered.

  “Don’t what?” He took another step forward.

  Stay back, my heart whispered.

  He didn’t. In true Mathias form, he did what he wanted. I walked backwards and it was only until my back touched cold brick that I realized we were in an alley. No people. No interruptions. Just us.

  “I can’t get you out of my head,” he whispered, his voice ragged. “And I’ve tried so damn hard.”

  I struggled to breathe. My lungs expanded, but I couldn’t suck in enough air. It was getting harder by the second to think clearly.

  He tilted my head back. My hands had a mind of their own, reaching forward and curving around his narrow hips.

  “I’m sorry for the past. But I’m not sorry for yesterday’s kiss. Or any other kisses. I want to keep seeing you until the very second you get on the plane. Tell me no, Katinka, and I’ll back off.” Before he pulled away, his lips gently brushed against mine.

  He didn’t have to wait long for my reply.

  For the first time in a year, I let my heart speak. “Okay.”

  I’d like to say I pushed back when he kissed me, but I didn’t. Snowflakes slipped between our mouths. Together, we made them melt.

  Being in public didn’t deter the two of us. If anything, it lit a fire beneath the both of us. Anyone could see us. Watch us. And it was then that Naïve Katja could come out and relish being in Mathias’ arms.

  Just for a second. Anything more was dangerous.

  He held my hips and began grinding against me. My hands slipped beneath his shirt, curving possessively around his muscular back.

  He cupped my ass, and my back moved up the wall until my feet were an inch off the ground. He pinned me there, and one of his hands bunched up the material of my dress.

  Someone whistled loudly. There were a few catcalls. The sounds echoed around us. We pulled apart, coming back to reality. We were in public. I turned my head and saw a group of guys staring at us. Within seconds Mathias’ hands disappeared. I slid down the wall and he shielded me from public, shouting out curse words that I didn’t even know.

  The guys left. Mathias reached out. One by one he buttoned up my coat, until I was fully covered. My skin still tingled. I stood there, saying nothing. Our breathing was still labored.

  Mathias grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the wall. “You are the only woman to ever make me lose control.” His gaze was like steel. “I intend to make the most of these next few days.”

  M A T H I A S

  “Mathias? Mathias!”

  I jerked my head up and looked at my colleague’s face. Because I was thinking about Katja. Which was ridiculous. I saw her last night. Only a few hours ago. That should’ve been enough.

  “What’d you say?”

  Carter frowned. He was a good guy. I’d worked with him for about a year. Tolerable and got shit done, which, in my book, made him a fast acquaintance.

  “I was saying that all the Northern Territory expense reports are good. What about Eastern? They need to be turned in by Friday. Usually, you’re the first person with yours already.”

  “I have them here,” I muttered as I sifted through the paperwork spread across my desk.

  “Really? How can you tell? Your desk is a war zone.”

  I looked around. Besides papers strewn across my desk, there was an accordion file open, with papers spilling out. A yellow legal notepad sat with nothing but random numbers written across the first page. My desk was never out of place, but today it looked like a fucking disaster.

  “I’ll take care of it later,” I said with a slight edge to my voice.

  “Also, there’s the farm progress show coming up in February. We need to make sure that there’s money set aside for the salesmen. We have a conference call with your dad tomorrow, and I thought we could go over the numbers from last month.” He looked down at the papers in his hands, talking the entire time, listing numbers that usually I understood. Today, they just went right over my head. I couldn’t seem to get it together.

  “The what?”

  “Louisville Farm Progress Show.”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  Carter frowned. “What’s gotten into you?”

  Katja Schwartz. I held my tongue. “Just distracted.”

  “I know. I saw you walking with a blonde yesterday.”

  I stopped everything I was doing and looked at him. Carter
was oblivious and continued to talk. “I didn’t know you’d been holding out on me.” He whistled, and it took everything inside of me not to reach across the desk and wrap my fingers around his throat.

  I leaned back in my seat, saying nothing.

  Carter leaned forward. “Rebecca, and this girl?

  “Can we talk about work and not my fucking personal life?” I snapped.

  He held both hands out in surrender. “Sure.”

  I glanced back at my screen, but on second thought I glanced back at Carter. “I’m not with Rebecca either.”

  “But the blonde?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “We’re together.”

  I had no right to say that, but in my eyes she was mine.

  All fucking mine.

  Carter opened his mouth, but I sat forward, my chair squeaking loudly. “I have a lot of work to do,” I said tightly.

  He nodded and put his papers in a stack. He stood up and hesitated. “You’ll have the reports done by today, right?”

  “Yes, I’ll have them.”

  He shrugged and walked out of my door.

  Everything in my life that used to be important was now taking a backseat. And that first position went to Katja. I wanted to know when the hell that happened. In Germany? Or when I saw her only a few days ago?

  I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair.

  I had no answer.

  Katja made my life unpredictable.

  K A T J A

  I had my first afternoon off in weeks.

  Unfortunately, I had no idea where to go or what to do. Lexington was new and overwhelming. In all the other cities I’d been to, I was always busy doing something, or with Lukas, Opa, or Nadia.

  But Opa was catching up on work, and Lukas and I weren’t on the best of terms. That was solely on me. I couldn’t look at him. When I did, I saw the accusation in his eyes, the disappointment that I was even on speaking terms with Mathias.

  So I roamed the streets alone, looking exactly like I was—a lost tourist. Honestly, it was kind of nice not knowing where I was going. It was nice to blend in and not have a spotlight beaming down on me.

  Finally I settled on a small, but busy coffee shop that I found close to my hotel. The tables had laptops and people furiously typing on them. Some people quietly read books. A mom fed her toddler small pieces of a blueberry muffin.

  I sat in a corner table and just watched it all. Most of the time the environment in Germany was contained. Americans were so free and expressive.

  I couldn’t concentrate. All I could think about was that I had three days left here.

  Three.

  The hours, minutes, and seconds loomed above me like a heavy weight just waiting to crash down.

  I turned the page of the magazine, idly looking at the Top Ten trends for winter according to Cosmopolitan.

  I watched everyone with fascination. You go to a restaurant or cafe in Germany and it was just hushed murmurs of conversation, but never noise of this decibel.

  Besides, I’d rather have this noise than the awkward silence between Lukas and me. Over breakfast this morning, he had said nothing. He knew where I had been last night. If he wasn’t going to bring it up, neither would I.

  It wasn’t a big deal anyway. I had a moment of weakness. Who doesn’t? It was just one potent kiss that overruled my common sense. It wouldn’t happen again. It couldn’t. I was much stronger than that.

  “This is a surprise,” a female voice said beside me.

  I looked up.

  Standing across from me was Severine Blake. She was holding a coffee cup in her hand. A leather backpack was slung across her shoulder. Her cheeks were pink from the cold. She was still bundled up in her coat.

  “Severine,” I said dumbly.

  “Katja,” she replied with a smile.

  I was going to invite her to sit down, but she placed her cup on the table, and took off her jacket, quickly making herself at home. I watched her, a small smirk on my face. Severine Blake had the ability to make everything look so effortless. She walked into a place and made it hers. She talked and she owned her words. I was in a self-deprecating mood. I didn’t want to be around a person that made me feel about the size of an ant. There had to be something that was her weakness.

  Maybe the girl next to her would have a weakness. Although, one look at her and I knew that the chances were very slim. I recognized her from Macsen’s Facebook profile. Her auburn hair was down to her waist, halfway pulled back with a barrette. She wore black tights and had a deep red peacoat that concealed her clothes. To me, she didn’t look like a college student. She looked like a socialite, getting ready to have brunch.

  “Sit down, Emilia,” Severine said.

  She sat down across from me.

  Severine nudged her head in the auburn haired girl’s direction. “Katja, this is Emilia.”

  I said hi.

  “Emilia, this is Katja.” Severine leaned close to Emilia. “Mathias’ student,” she said with heavy emphasis.

  Emilia’s eyes widened. “Ohh…”

  That was a heavy, universal “ohh.” Didn’t matter what language you spoke, everyone knew what that “ohh” meant: you’d been talked about. Not once. Or twice. But many, many times.

  I didn’t want to know what Mathias said about me.

  “Emilia is Macsen’s girlfriend,” Severine continued. “Have you met Macsen?”

  I opened my mouth, but she kept talking. “I don’t think you’ve met him yet. He and Mathias aren’t exactly the best of friends.”

  I frowned over that tidbit of information.

  “I’ve seen pictures of him at Florian and Antonia’s house,” I confessed.

  Severine nodded. “Thayer’s told me about their shrine to their grandkids. I’ve talked to Antonia before.”

  “You have?”

  “Well, talking is too generous of a word. More like tried to talk. Her accent is so thick, I could barely understand her.”

  “You’ve been to Germany?” I asked. I was too anxious to talk about the place I grew up.

  “No, I haven’t.”

  “Oh,” I said. My shoulders sagged.

  “I want to, though.”

  “You should. It’s beautiful. Go in the fall or spring. And definitely not in the summer. That’s tourist season.”

  “Do you miss home?” Severine asked.

  “I do,” I confessed. “More than I realized.”

  I looked down at the magazine. She took a sip of her coffee. There were conversations going on around us, but our table was completely silent.

  “What brings you here?” She whirled a finger around. “I haven’t seen you here before. And I’m always here.”

  “I had a small break and this coffee shop is closest to my hotel.”

  “Ahh, I see.” She leaned back and crossed her arms. “So … how’s Mathias?”

  Of course the conversation was going to drift back to him. I expected that. I just wasn’t ready to talk about him. My thoughts were a jumbled mess. I didn’t know where to start.

  “I don’t know how he is. We hardly talk.”

  Which was half of the truth. I really didn’t know how he was. Last night we had kissed like two starving people.

  Emilia didn’t say anything, just watched the two of us talking.

  “You two probably know the answer to that question better than I do,” I said.

  “Because we date his brothers?” Severine said for the both of them. Emilia just continued to sit there, her gaze flitting between the two of us.

  I nodded hesitantly. Where was this conversation going?

  “But,” Severine fixed her eyes on me, “you seem to know a lot about him.”

  “Because he was my teacher for an entire six months. I was bound to know some things about him.”

  Severine and Emilia stared at me, looking unconvinced.

  “Can I ask you something?” I asked quickly, hoping that I could detour the conversation toward someone
other than me.

  “Considering I’ve just spent the last thirty minutes grilling you about Mathias, I think I owe you one,” Severine said, “So, yes, ask away.”

  I stopped twirling my straw and glanced at her. “Who’s Rebecca?”

  Severine scrunched up her nose and leaned back in her chair. “No one important. Mathias has been seeing her on and off for a few months now.”

  I felt a pang in my chest at the thought of him getting together with her right after he left me.

  “So they’re together?”

  Severine laughs. “No. Not at all. They’ve been out a few times but it’s nothing exclusive.”

  I understood her plenty, but knowing that his relationship with Rebecca wasn’t exclusive didn’t make anything better.

  “Why do you want to know about Rebecca?” Severine asked. She had a devious smirk, as if she knew exactly how I felt.

  Quickly, I defended myself. “No reason. Just curious.”

  I averted my gaze and sipped on my coffee before I could ask any more questions. And they were there. Right on the tip of my tongue, begging to be asked and answered.

  “There’s never just ‘no reason’ for asking that kind of question,” Severine said with understanding in her eyes.

  It finally dawned on me that I really did have something in common with these two beautiful women. We had the same weakness: the Sloan brothers.

  “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Macsen.”

  “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Sev.”

  I watched as Macsen bent down and kissed the top of Emilia’s head. Her face lit up, soaking up all his attention like a sponge. He grabbed a seat, turned it around and straddled it. I took a good look at him. Macsen was nothing like his brothers. His hair was dark, eyes bright green. But just like his brothers, he was tall. He caught me staring. He looked more like Mathias than I expected. Hard, distant eyes. Sharp cheekbones and a five o’clock shadow that gave him a rugged look.

  “Where’s Thayer?” Severine asked.

  “Practice, studying, eating, sleeping, taking a piss, being a dumb ass with Chris. I don’t know. The options are endless, Blake.”

  Severine made a face before she gestured toward me. “Macsen, have you met Katja yet?”