by Anna Edwards
I need to figure out where Juniper is. The gossip mill told me she lives close to the campus gates, and I can only think of one place her father would put her. A place all the council members put their children when they attend Caspian. See, I am capable of rational thought.
Pushing past the crowd which has assembled to watch my impromptu show, I make my way to Juniper’s. It only takes a few minutes to get to her accommodation. On arriving, I see her instantly, and the hairs on my neck prick up with anticipation. I will figure this out, once and for all, and she’s going to help me because she’s the reason it happens. Something has us linked together, and it has to stop. I need to get her as far away from me as possible before I go completely insane.
I take a step forwards and emerge from the trees by her home, so she can see me, but she’s not looking my way. She’s staring across the grass, a big smile forming on her face. All of a sudden, she drops everything she’s carrying and runs quickly towards something or someone that I can’t see from where I’m standing. I walk farther forwards, and the figures of two women embracing come into view. When Juniper steps back from the person she’s welcoming with such enthusiasm, I drop the book I’m holding. My legs give way, and I fall to the ground. It can’t be? What the hell is going on?
It’s her.
The woman from the other night.
I saved her.
I didn’t kill her.
And as Juniper and the woman both walk towards where I’m collapsed on the ground, I realise who she is.
Juniper’s mother.
“Mum, go in okay, I’ll be there in a minute. I just need to get something from my car,” I lie to her.
She frowns. My mother has always known when I’m lying, but recently, she hasn’t been strong enough to read me. It seems, now she’s well, I’ll have to get better at hiding things I don’t want her to ask about. Like right now.
“Please, Mum,” I implore.
“Okay, sweetheart,” she murmurs, walking into my building, and when I believe she’s started up the stairs taking her to my flat, I head over to Jacobi.
“Jacobi, what are you doing here?” I bark out at him. “And why the hell are you on the ground?”
“I needed to find you. I went to school.” He shakes his head staring at the ground and still not standing up. “You weren’t there, but I knew where you lived,” he babbles.
“I didn’t go to school when I left your house, Jacobi, and I have no classes this afternoon,” I reply cautiously, wondering whether he’s having some kind of breakdown.
Suddenly, he stands up. He’s so quick I don’t have time to move, and my breath catches as he grabs my hands in his. “You must be the key. I hate you but sometimes I...” He stops and stares down at the ground.
I follow his stare, and seeing an old book lying there, I carefully pull my hands from his and bend down to pick it up. Jacobi watches me warily. He looks like a wild horse trying to evade capture.
“What is this?” I ask as I stand up again, and taking a step back, I hold the book out between us. “Jacobi?”
He’s starting to scare me. Never, not even when we were friends, have I ever seen him scared, unsure, or worried. I’ve no idea how to deal with his erratic behaviour, so I grab his hand and tug. He follows me pliantly, which concerns me even more. He doesn’t even ask where I’m leading him. His fingers grip mine with so much force it hurts, but I don’t pull away from him. A week ago, hell, a day ago, I wouldn’t have considered inviting Jacobi Ashdown into my home, my safe place, so am I really going to drag him in today?
I stop outside my flat.
“Do you actually want to come into my place with me?” I ask, staring directly at him and trapping him in my gaze.
There’s something hidden in the depths of his eyes, almost like something’s living there.
“I need your help.”
His words shock me, but it’s the guttural tone to his voice which causes my stomach to clench.
“M-my help?” I stammer.
Jacobi grabs me and hauls me into his body. His arms wrap around me like I’m his lifeline, and he’s clinging on for dear life.
“Are you okay?” I breathe out the words and wrap my own arms around him. I feel like he needs it; for some reason, he needs me.
“There’s something inside me. I’m a monster,” he whispers out his admission, and I’m not sure if he’s actually saying it to me or to himself.
Something snaps inside him, and he pushes away from me so fiercely I stumble back and struggle not to trip over.
“You,” he snarls.
“Me?” I exhale the word, confusion pulsing through me.
His angry eyes run the length of me, and he shakes his head angrily. “You will help me.” This time it’s a demand as he pushes past me and walks into my flat.
I remember my mum is there and quickly rush in after him.
What I don’t expect to see when I enter is Jacobi knelt at my mum’s feet with his head bowed. She stands before him, her hands covering her mouth, and her eyes wide open and welling with tears.
“What the hell? Mum, are you okay?” I ask rushing towards her.
Still holding one hand to her mouth, she reaches the other out towards Jacobi and mumbles behind her fingers, “He’s the Guardian.”
I look between them. Jacobi’s head is still lowered. “T-the Guardian. What are you talking about, Mum? Are you feeling okay?” I ask, stumbling towards her as the tears flow down her cheeks, but she has a smile on her face.
Finally, my mother drags her gaze away from Jacobi and looks at me. “I told you I was saved, cured, fixed.”
I nod, still confused, and I notice Jacobi has finally stopped looking at the floor. Instead, his eyes search me out like I’m his saviour.
“Yes, I remember. Kinda thought you were crazy…” My voice peters out. “But I’m guessing...” I stop and shake my head violently as though the action may wake me from a dream and the world will make sense once again.
“You’re a Guardian,” my mum states, looking at Jacobi and holding her hand out to him. “Come on, get up, Jacobi.”
“You remember me?” he questions, rising from his knees.
He towers over both of us now, yet when he looks at my mum, his arrogance, bravado, anger, and even his edge have all gone, and right now, he looks like a lost, little boy.
“I remember you, Jacobi Ashdown, from when you were friends with my daughter,” she explains, and his eyes flit to me before looking back at her; they seem dull now, as though he’s disappointed. “I also remember you from a few nights ago when you visited me at home. When you saved me,” she murmurs softly.
His eyes glisten, not with tears, but with a shine, a gloss, highlighting their beauty. There’s also something else, though, something altogether more magical.
“What are you?” I whisper, stepping forward without thinking about it and touching his cheek. He looks down at me. His eyes are soft for once, and they plead for forgiveness.
From me?
“I’m the thing your nightmares are made of,” he replies sadly, placing his hand over mine.
I feel overwhelmed. It’s scary. My brain and body are both screaming at me simultaneously, telling me I’m connected to him somehow. I ignore my heart.
“I don’t believe you.” My words are soft, and his eyes change as the emotion he’s holding in them deepens.
“I am, but I don’t want to be.” Jacobi pulls my hand away from his cheek, but he doesn’t let go of me. “Please, help me.”
I nod, and we move to sit on my sofa. He still doesn’t let go of my hand.
“I don’t know much about the Guardian,” my mum starts. “I could ask your father-“
“No!” we both cut her off and glance quickly at each other.
“No, Mum, please don’t mention this to Dad,” I ask, and after holding my stare for a few moments, she concedes with a nod, but I can tell she’s not happy about it.
I’m sorely tempted to
use a memory loss spell so I can guarantee she won’t say anything, but I can’t risk using such a powerful spell. The magic emitted would create a beacon directly to me.
“All I know is there’s supposed to be one Guardian for every generation, and before the old Guardian dies, he trains his young replacement. Their existence has been whispered about in the night, but no one has ever known if it’s true. I guess if you’re the Guardian,” she states nodding at him, “it might explain why no one in our generation knows the truth. When we were young, the Guardian at the time would have been old and you’ve needed time to grow up.”
“What does the book say?” I question Jacobi.
“I don’t know. I haven’t read it,” he replies, and sighing, I get up and collect it from the sideboard near the front door where I left it when we came in.
I flick it open. “It’s not in English,” I complain, swiping through the pages and sinking back down onto the sofa.
Jacobi frowns, taking it from me. “I can read it,” he responds, still frowning.
“Custos,” my mum says, pulling the book from him. “It’s the language of the Guardians. I think maybe there was more than one of you, once upon a time,” she mumbles, looking through the book.
“Great, so only I can read it. So much for getting you to help me,” Jacobi complains, taking the book from my mum when she passes it to him. He drops his head back on the sofa and stares at the ceiling.
“I’m going to head out and leave you two to talk this through,” my mum says, getting to her feet.
“You don’t have to go, Mum,” I tell her, looking at Jacobi and expecting him to agree and maybe even offer to leave himself, but he seems too wrapped up in his misery as he continues to stare at the ceiling. I roll my eyes.
“I’m staying in the London flat for a few days, so we can catch up over the weekend,” she tells me in her ‘don’t argue with your mum’ voice.
I sigh, “Okay, we’ll catch up over the weekend.”
I see my mum out. She says goodbye to Jacobi as she leaves, and he waves at her limply, obviously still caught up in himself. I don’t know why I’m surprised.
On the way back to where Jacobi’s sitting, I get a glass and fill it from the tap in the kitchen. When I reach the sofa, I dip my fingertips in the water and flick them on his cheek.
“What the hell?” he blusters, getting up and wiping his face.
“What is with you?” I question, placing the water down and throwing my hands in the air. “Seriously, this is not the Jacobi who’s been a complete arse to me for weeks.” I’m not sure I want the other Jacobi back, but this melancholy one is scaring me. I feel like I’m in an alternate universe. “You’re like a damp cloth.”
He smiles, really smiles. It’s the first genuine smile I’ve seen from him, and it’s directed at me. I feel like I’ve won a prize.
“A damp cloth?” he teases me, and it feels like we’ve gone back in time. His smile drops, and he brings the book up between us. “I need to go home and read this book-“
He’s cut off as my phone pings with a text. We both look down to the coffee table at the same time when the screen lights up. I can’t see what the text says, but I can see it’s from Lucas. I frown, and when I look back to Jacobi, he’s frowning at the phone too.
“I still need your help.” His voice has changed, the other Jacobi is back. Suddenly I regret the teasing. “Stay away from Lucas,” he orders, striding out of my flat.
I stand blinking at the door for what feels like ages. I press my index fingers against my temples and rotate them slowly, hoping the headache he’s just given me will go soon.
“What do you want from me?” I shout to the empty room.
I don’t leave the house for two days. I barely leave the desk in my study except for necessary toilet breaks and to grab snacks and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee, espresso strength. I’ve read the book from front cover to back page twice, and on the third read through, I started to translate it and type it up on my laptop. I’m almost at the end now and am determined to finish, despite the fact I need the toilet again and am dizzy from exhaustion and too much coffee.
The last hour, I’ve been unable to see straight. My eyes are so tired the words are all merging into one. I’m going to have to admit defeat for now, get a couple of hours sleep, and then finish the rest of the translation with a fresher outlook. My reading’s been insightful. I’ve learnt a little more about what a Guardian is and the ancient language they speak.
Juniper’s mum was right. There are only two alive at any one time for the most part, one old, one young. When the younger Guardian comes of age, the older one passes on to his next calling in the magical world. The older Guardian teaches and advises the younger one, preparing him for what’s to come, but I don’t remember anything like that happening to me, and I’m not sure why. Something has gone wrong with the handover of power in my timeline; I don’t know what, but I’m determined to find out so I can start to control what I’m compelled to do and Juniper’s part in it. I’ve been a bastard to her, but mostly it’s been out of fear because I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I hope one day she’ll forgive me, but I’ll understand if she won’t. She’s still a part of this, though, and she’s going to have to help me put a stop to it whether she wants to or not.
Placing a marker in the page I’m on and making sure the document on my computer is saved, I get up from the seat I’ve been in for the last six hours and stretch out my weary muscles. I’m used to being active, so it’s been a shock to my system not moving around so much. With a twist of my hand, I turn the lights off in my study and make my way with a bit of a hobble to the bathroom.
I should eat something before heading to bed, but I’m too tired. I’ll probably regret the decision when I wake up and my stomach is screaming at me with hunger, but for now, I do my toilet business, clean my teeth, and staring at the mirror, I look on in shock at the facial hair which has grown in the last two days. It makes me look older than my eighteen years. I might leave it for a while. I’m sure it’ll be a hit with the ladies even though it probably defies numerous school rules.
Looking closer at my reflection, I notice the dark circles that have developed under my eyes. They scare me because I’m allowing myself to become obsessed with what is happening to me. This year was supposed to be special. I was meant to rule as the king of Caspian Academy, but instead, it just feels as though everything is falling apart, and all because Juniper Ambrose walked back into my life.
It’s like a curse has been placed on me because I once dared to develop feelings for her. I remember our first kiss so well. We were only fifteen, and it wasn’t a full on passionate affair, it was tender. We’d been to the cinema together to see a Harry Potter film, and we laughed at how humans would feel if they knew magic really did exist. I walked her home, and we held hands the entire time. It was probably the most beautiful evening of my life.
When we got to her door, we were both really shy. I leant forwards and kissed her goodnight on the cheek. I’d done it a few times before, but Juniper turned her head and our lips met. Hers were soft and tasted of strawberry lip balm; they were plump and perfect. I dared to lean in and do it again, this time lingering a little longer. The moan which escaped Juniper’s lips excited me, and after we parted company that evening, I walked home with the biggest smile on my face. It’s a shame I don’t remember the second part of that night when whatever is inside me took over for the first time. I know I saved Juniper’s mother, but I’m scared I might have also taken another’s life. The book confirms that sometimes a Guardian can do both.
I blink a few times in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to capture the non-existent visions of what I did. They always flash and blur, and I can see nothing clear or concrete. That’s what I hate the most. I need to find answers.
I also need sleep.
I’m staring at myself in a mirror like a person possessed.
Leaving the bathroom, I crawl
into my bed, and the fine cotton sheets cocoon me in a warm embrace of comfort. I yawn loudly and take a peek at my phone. When I returned home the other day, I put it on to charge, and that’s where it’s stood for two days. There are several missed calls, most are from Taya and there’s one from the school, probably to find out why I didn’t attend any of my lessons. There’s also a message from Lucas asking if I’m all right. I press reply and type out a quick response, letting him know I’m okay and that he’s to stay away from Juniper. I’m not going to allow him to get anywhere close to her. She’s mine, even if I've been a complete arsehole to her.
I scroll down a bit more and find a missed call from Juniper. It’s from yesterday, at least I think it is, but I’ve no idea what day or time it is. I just know the sun has set twice since I started reading the book. I instantly hit call back. It rings and rings for a long while before she answers,
“Hello, Mum?” Her voice is laced thickly with sleep.
“No, it’s me,” I reply, and she groans.
“Jacobi, it’s three am.”
I look across at the clock on my bedside table. She’s right, it’s three in the morning.
“I’m sorry,” I apologise, feeling guilty. “I’ll go, and I’ll call back later.”
“No.” Juniper stops me before I can hang up. “Are you okay? No one has seen you since the other day. The school are talking about sending someone around to your place tomorrow to check on you.”
“I’m all right. I’ve been reading the book.”
“Book?” Juniper questions, and I grow a little frustrated she doesn’t remember. “Oh, the book you showed me. Sorry my brain is still a little bit asleep.”
“It’s okay.”
We fall silent for a moment
“Did you find any answers?” she asks.
“No, just a lot more questions.” I pause and lay back down in my bed, staring up at the beamed ceiling with its flaking plaster, cracking because of its age. “The woman I met the other day, she’s really your mother?”
