by Jamie Summer
After a few long seconds, millions of thoughts entering my mind, he nodded.
I led the way into the kitchen, telling him to leave his shoes on since the floor was still dirty from all the unpacking.
“Coffee? Water?” I asked in order to fill the awkward silence between us.
“Water, please.”
“Anything to eat?”
“God, no. I still—“ He stopped.
I turned to face him, noticing the small creases on his forehead, the slight paleness of his face.
“Are you feeling okay?” Worry swept through me.
“I’m fine. I just…“ He pushed his hands through his hair. “I had a rough night.”
I watched him a second, then turned to fill his glass. I handed it to him and sat down opposite him at the table.
“I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for, but it seemed like the only thing I could think of. Gavin’s eyes found mine, and I felt like he evaluated me with every second he gazed at me.
“I’ve been trying to find a good reason why you didn’t tell me, but I couldn’t come up with anything. No reason would have been good enough,” he said.
Part of me was glad he didn’t beat around the bush. The other didn’t know how to make him see my reasoning. “I believed it was the right decision back then. I didn’t want to stand in your way. We had never even talked about kids. The day before, a scout had talked to you about all the possibilities he saw for you. I couldn’t take that from you. I know you would’ve offered to stay, to take care of the two of us. While I wanted that, I also knew there was a chance you would hate me for it in the end.”
“I would have never hated you for it.”
“You say that now, but you don’t know how you would have felt down the line. I know whatever I say now won’t make much sense to you, and I’m sorry about that. I did what I thought was best at the time.”
“Best for Trevor, too?”
I stayed silent for a moment. “My parents were a huge help during that time.”
“Did they never ask about me?”
“I didn’t tell them. I didn’t tell anyone.”
“Wait. So who did they think was Trevor’s father?”
I averted my gaze, not wanting to see the hurt on his face. “I refused to talk about the father.”
“Were you that ashamed of me?” he asked, his voice a little louder now, the anger starting to show, no matter how much he tried to hide it.
“I didn’t want anyone approaching you because of it. It would have meant you would’ve shown up on our doorstep, ready to ignore all your dreams and be a father.”
He didn’t say anything to that. I wasn’t sure if he were trying to calm the anger inside of him, or if he simply didn’t know what to say.
“Look, Trevor was all I thought about back then. Nobody else. But things changed. We are starting a new life here, one I’m quite terrified and excited about at the same time. I knew there was a chance we would run into you, though I wouldn’t have expected it to happen too soon. But seeing you again was nothing I could have prepared for.”
Gavin laughed, the sound hollow. “Because you finally had to face the truth?”
I glanced at the table. “No. Because I still care.”
I looked up at Gavin and found his gaze on me. “You still care?” He choked out the words.
I nodded. “I still care. It only took seeing you two times to be right back where I was the night I left you. I loved you, Gavin. So much. Leaving you was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. So when I saw you again, it was as if I had been transported back six years. All those feelings are still there, as if they’ve been waiting just under the surface. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the truth. It’s also the truth that I’m scared. I have Trevor to think of, so every feeling I develop for someone needs to be evaluated. Is it worth the risk? Can I do this to him? But with you, it’s…it’s different. I’m still scared, but I saw the way you treated Trevor when you didn’t know he was your son. I saw the way you treated all those kids at the signing.”
Gavin watched me carefully as I said all the words I didn’t even know I had in me.
“I don’t have any right to ask anything of you, and I won’t. After all, this is something you need to come to terms with. But I would like you to be a part of Trevor’s life. I don’t want to tell him who you are right away, but eventually, he should know who his father is. After all...“ I smiled, “when I look at him, there are so many things that remind me of you.” Gavin’s brows arched at my remark. “The most obvious one being his looks. He has your eyes, the steel gray I’ve always loved so much on you. He loves soccer...obviously. He’s always wanted to play, but you know how the US is with the game. It was another reason I wanted to take the job here. I knew I could nurture his passion that much more. Then there are the little things, like the way he sometimes looks at me the way you used to when I made a joke, as if I were the only one who could truly think it was funny, yet you still laughed along. Or the way his forehead creases whenever he doesn’t know the answer to something. There are so many things that remind me of you, it was hard to ever forget you.”
I took a deep breath, preparing myself for whatever Gavin was going to say. If he was going to say anything.
When he stayed quiet, I figured he had made his decision. Silence sometimes spoke louder than any words could.
He’d decided his future, and it didn’t include us.
As disappointment settled within me, I tried to smile as I got up, grabbed his empty glass and turned away. I didn’t want him to see how much it hurt. How much my heart broke at the thought of having to tell Trevor that Gavin wouldn’t be stopping by anymore. That he wouldn’t help him out when it came to the youth team.
I couldn’t blame him. It was my own doing, my own fault. I only had myself to blame.
“Mom, can I have something to drink?” Trevor came into the kitchen.
“Sure thing,” I answered, not looking at him. I didn’t want him to see the tears pooling in my eyes. He would have questions, and I didn’t have any satisfying answers for him.
“I can do it,” I heard Gavin whisper. Shocked, I spun around. He ignored my questioning look and faced Trevor. “If you tell me where everything is, I can make sure you get something to drink.” Trevor’s expression was all the answer he needed.
I watched as Trevor pointed at the cupboards, then the fridge. He told Gavin what he wanted to drink, and Gavin looked at me, eyebrows raised, almost as if asking if the apple juice Trevor wanted was okay. I nodded, touched he even thought about making sure it was okay with me. Once Trevor had his drink in hand, he took a long sip, then glanced up at Gavin.
“Do you want to play soccer with me? There is a field not too far from here. I played with my new friends there the other day,” Trevor explained, then his eyes found mine. “Would that be okay, Mom?”
I shrugged, then looked at Gavin. It was more than okay with me, but he was the one who needed to make the decision.
“It would be my pleasure.”
The tears I had managed to hold back so long finally flowed freely. I wiped them away hastily, not wanting either one of them to see.
Trevor took Gavin’s hand and the two walked outside. I watched through the window as Trevor picked up the soccer ball and led the way to the field two blocks over. I saw my son talking excitedly, and Gavin seemed content to listen, occasionally interjecting something.
My heart filled with warmth at the sight of them, the picture so much more an answer to my questions than any words could have been.
I was wrong. Gavin didn’t seem intent on leaving, on cutting us out of his life. Quite the contrary. Looking at them now as they walked down the street, hand in hand, I knew we had a long road ahead of us, but maybe, just maybe, we were actually starting down the right path.
Gavin
The next two weeks went by in a blur. I spent it going back and forth between soccer practice and spendi
ng time with Betty and Trevor. Eventually, Betty’s mom flew back home, so it was only the three of us.
Betty.
Trevor.
Me.
It was weird at first, spending all this time with her and my son.
My son.
It was still hard to wrap my head around the fact I had a son I never knew about. There were still moments I felt anger and betrayal within me, but they were few and far between. Betty did everything to make up for the time I missed. We spent hours going through old photographs and videos she took of Trevor over the years, and she told me everything there was to know about my son.
Sometimes life didn’t work the way you thought it would. Sometimes it showed you that though you may feel like everything’s breaking right in front of you, it comes together in the most beautiful way again.
That was what being with Trevor and Betty felt like.
It slowly started coming together. Piece by piece, I knew they were stitching together the broken pieces of my heart. I felt the love between them, and the more time I spent with them, the more I became part of that love.
The feelings between Betty and I had never left, but we took it one day at a time. We agreed that Trevor was our priority at this point, and I simply enjoyed the moments we had together. Trevor still didn’t know I was his father, but our relationship grew stronger each day.
Soccer was a different issue. While the coach had forgiven me for not showing up for practice that Monday, management wasn’t as lenient. They put me back on probation with the stipulation I showed up for all future practices and performed the way they expected me to.
Two weeks in and it was still touch and go. Trevor and Betty had accompanied me a few times, but it had taken a toll on my game. When Betty offered to stay away from the field, I told her it wouldn’t change a thing. Trevor’s look of disappointment when I told him about my predicament—after hours of pushing on his part—never left me.
I did some thinking. About soccer, about my new family, about my future. And I knew what I wanted to do.
“Hey, man,” Tyler called out, joining me at the gym after practice one day. “Coach wants to see you.” There was a look on his face that told me everything. Today was the day. “Now.” He then clasped my shoulder in what I assumed was comfort. I hadn’t told anyone about my decision, not wanting them to try to talk me out of it. Betty, Tyler, Devon... They would all try to convince me otherwise.
I nodded, then watched my friend leave. It was after official practice time, so I figured Coach was in his office. I walked slowly, as if to my own execution.
When I knocked on his open door, he didn’t even look up. Not a good sign. “Michaelson, sit down.”
“Hey, Coach,” I replied and sat on one of the chairs in front of his desk. He still didn’t glance my way. He was finishing up some paperwork, but the restlessness within me wanted to yell at him to tell me why I was here. The longer it went on, the more nervous I got.
Finally, he looked at me. “Sorry about that. I needed to make sure these files were done.”
I nodded, waiting for him to go on.
“Gavin, you know I think the world of you and don’t regret getting you and the other two on the team. However, management isn’t easily convinced. They liked your performances these past two weeks, but when I say liked, I mean they merely thought it was okay. I talked with them several times, but they stuck to their opinion. Gavin, I’m really sorry, but you’re off the team.”
Off the team.
I’m off the team.
I heard the words, but I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the meaning of them. I had tried to prepare myself for the possibility, but being faced with it was a different matter altogether.
“Off the team?” I choked out.
“Yes. I’m truly sorry. I know how much this game means to you. Of course, you’re more than welcome to join the second team, but I am also aware it’s not what you want in life. If you want to look for other possibilities, I will support you in any way I can.”
I tried to swallow down the anger I felt, but it was harder than I expected. Even having made a decision before this conversation, hearing I was off the team cut deep.
“Coach, I don’t want to go anywhere else. My home is right here, with West Ham.” I took a deep breath and continued with the speech I had prepared. “I always knew there was a possibility I wouldn’t make the cut. I won’t lie. It hurts like a bitch, but things have changed for me these past weeks. Not professionally, but personally.”
“I’m listening,” Coach replied, waiting.
“I know this may be too much to ask, but is there a different spot on the team for me? Not as an active player, but maybe someone along the sidelines?”
He sat back, his eyes widening. “You want to give up playing?” There was obvious shock in his voice.
“Not necessarily give it up, but maybe play second team and help out in any other capacity I can. Maybe I will eventually get back on track and make it back to first team again. I know one thing for sure. I don’t want to play anywhere else. I want to stay here. So if there is any way you can make it work, I would truly appreciate it.”
The surprised expression on his face told me he hadn’t expected our conversation to go quite like this.
“I will see what I can do. We would definitely love to still have you onboard.”
I nodded, then got up. “Thank you for everything. I truly appreciate all you’ve done for me.”
“It has been my pleasure,” he replied, holding out his hand. I shook it, then turned and left his office. There was no question where I would go next.
Before long, Betty and Trevor’s place rose in front of me. I walked right up to the door, finding it unlocked.
“Hey. Are you okay?” Betty greeted me in the doorway, obviously having heard me come in. Trevor came running and launched himself into my arms. He had gotten used to my almost daily visits and never questioned them.
“I…I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I just got fired.”
Betty’s eyes widened, but Trevor was the first one to react. “They fired you? They can’t do that. What suckers.”
“Trevor!” Betty chastised him, but he didn’t seem to hear her.
“They can’t fire you.”
“How about we take this inside?” Betty suggested, closing the door. We walked into the living room. I sat down on the couch. Betty sat beside me while Trevor took the spot on the chair opposite us.
“What happened?” Betty asked. I slowly relayed the conversation I had with my coach.
“That’s messed up,” Trevor said, and I found myself smiling at the outrage in his voice.
“Trevor,” Betty’s warning echoed around the room, but our son wasn’t having any of it.
“What, Mom? He’s such a great player. The team should be happy to have him.”
Sometimes it was hard to remember that this little guy was only five. He was very intuitive for someone his age. Or so I assumed. I had no experience with kids.
“Do you think they will let you play second team?” Betty asked.
“I don’t know, but why not? What else can they offer me? Playing second team, though… I don’t know if that would be enough for me in the long run. For now, it would be perfect.”
“Perfect? Why?”
I glanced up at Betty. “Because it means I get to spend more time with you guys. They practice the same times, but it’s less media attention and dates to fulfill. Meaning I would be home more.”
Home. I liked the sound of that.
“You want to play soccer, though. It’s all you’ve ever wanted.”
“And I will still do that, just in a different capacity. If I eventually make it back onto the first team, we can see how we’ll deal,” I told her, the plan I had made sounding like a solid one.
“Trevor, can you get us something to drink, please?” she asked.
“You can get yourself something to drink,” our son gave bac
k with some attitude. It made me want to high five and chastise him at the same time.
Betty looked at him, eyes narrowed. “Please.”
With a groan, Trevor got up and walked into the kitchen.
Betty looked at me. “Look, whatever happens, we’re here for you. I know we haven’t talked about it again, but if you want this...“ She gestured at us, then Trevor in the kitchen, “it’s a package deal.”
“I know. And I want it. I want it all. I’m not gonna walk out a second time. I’m not saying it will be easy or that I won’t have moments when I’ll mess up, but I don’t want anything to stand in our way. I want this to work. I want us to work.”
Betty’s eyes widened, tears glistening in her eyes.
“Here you go.” Trevor returned, two glasses dangling from his hands.
“Thank you, sweetie,” Betty said, giving him a kiss on the forehead before cuddling him close. I watched the two of them, sight warming my heart.
Without realizing it, different things had become my focus. Soccer had always been my life, but watching the two next to me every day had changed something within me. I wanted to be with them. I wanted to be a part of their life, no matter where it took me.
So whatever decision I made, I would make it with them in mind.
They were what mattered most.
They were the only thing that mattered.
The End
I’m gonna keep this short and simple today. My first novella is done, and I couldn’t be more happy about it. Soccer has always been a huge part of my life, so writing about it was somehow like dipping my toes back into my own history.
However, it wouldn’t have been possible without people by my side, as usual.
Sam, you were the one who pushed me to move forward with the idea when I was already starting to doubt it again. So thank you. Thank you for making me want to continue with this book when I was given up after five seconds already.
JC, thank you for being so patient with me and my cover antics. I definitely own you. And needless to say, I love you for formatting this novella as beautiful as it is now.
