‘Are you in pain?’
Susannah grimaced, shook her head. ‘Not too bad.’
Emer could tell she was lying.
‘Make me one of those herbal teas, will you? And when you get back you can tell me all about your night out.’
Emer winced. She still hadn’t replied to Henry’s text. She had no idea how to explain to him what had happened last night.
In the kitchen, Emer brewed a pot of slippery elm tea for Susannah and made a coffee for herself. Although she hadn’t been drinking last night, her head felt fuggy and confused. She couldn’t help thinking about Lars and glanced up at the clock. There was a ferry leaving just about now. Was he on it? Her body still hummed from his touch. For a moment, she felt angry at him. How dare he come here and rip her heart open again? She had just, only just, managed to regain some kind of relief, within the daily calm of helping Susannah type up the letters from Kate and going for walks with Henry. She doubted now she’d ever get to see Henry’s ‘top two spots’ in Vinalhaven. Lars had come storming into her new equilibrium and turned it upside down all over again.
Emer brought the tea to Susannah, who sipped it gingerly. The first time Emer had given it to her, she’d declared it disgusting, but after a bit more encouragement she’d admitted it made her feel better.
‘And at least it’s natural, doesn’t make me dozy.’
The tea was something Ethan had discovered for Orla. One of the many remedies they’d tried to cure her cancer. It hadn’t worked, but Emer still believed it had helped her sister with pain management and energy levels.
‘I was thinking,’ Susannah said. ‘Now the mornings are darker, it’s a bit gloomy and cold in my study downstairs. Shall we type the letters up here?’
‘Sure,’ Emer said, surprised by Susannah’s suggestion. She was always so keen to get up in the morning and dress – had snapped many times, when Emer had suggested a longer lie-in, that she had plenty of time to rest when she was dead.
‘We’re nearly there,’ Susannah said, ‘aren’t we?’
‘Yes, I think there’s only three or four letters left,’ Emer said, thinking of the stack inside the quilt on her bed. She still had to tell Susannah about them, but she kept putting it off. Most likely, Susannah would ask her if she’d read them, and Emer knew she wouldn’t be able to lie. She was ashamed for prying without permission, despite the fact Susannah was openly showing her the letters Kate had sent her. She’d tell her soon, she promised herself, as she cleared away the breakfast things.
After Emer had taken the tray downstairs, she came back up with the last few letters and her laptop. They worked for an hour. Susannah’s dictation seemed to be faster than usual. Emer could hear a breathlessness, and a new weakness to the quality of her voice. Still, Emer was fascinated at hearing Kate’s voice through her sister. Kate was describing preparations for her wedding – great details all about the dress she was making.
‘Are there no letters after Kate got married?’ Emer asked Susannah.
The older woman shook her head. ‘No, she got too busy with being a wife,’ she said crisply and looked away, clearly not wanting to talk any further.
At ten o’clock, as was usual most days, Rebecca called on the phone. Afterwards, Susannah was excited.
‘She’s coming home,’ she told Emer, her eyes shining with delight. ‘I’ll see my girl again!’
Emer couldn’t help feeling sorry for Lynsey, whom Susannah had never referred to as ‘her girl’. She knew exactly how it felt to be the least popular one.
‘I’ll get up now,’ Susannah said, with new gusto. The call with Rebecca had clearly given her fresh energy.
Emer had just settled Susannah downstairs in the front room by the woodstove when she heard a knock on the door.
‘Well, I don’t know who that could be,’ Susannah said, a puzzled look on her face.
‘I’ll go see,’ Emer said.
She already had a suspicion, which was confirmed when she opened the door. Lars was standing on the threshold. Her heart skipped a beat to see him again. It was all she could do not to fall into his arms.
‘I found you, again,’ he said, looking at her with serious eyes. ‘Can I come in?’
‘Who is it?’ Susannah called from the front room.
‘I’m at work,’ Emer whispered to Lars. ‘How did you find me?’
‘Well, that was easy,’ he said. ‘I just asked in the local store and they told me who the new Irish nurse was working for and where she lived.’
‘Please, Lars, I don’t know what to say any more.’
‘Emer, I can’t just leave, not after last night,’ Lars said desperately. ‘We need to talk.’
She bit her lip, sensing a lump in her throat. ‘Please, Lars, please don’t push me.’
‘Well, now. Who are you?’ Susannah stood behind her in the hall. Emer felt herself freeze. She couldn’t send Lars away now.
‘It’s a friend of mine. From Boston. Lars.’
Susannah looked at her and then at Lars. ‘Well invite him in, won’t you?’
‘Pleased to meet you, ma’am,’ Lars said to Susannah, as she waved him into the kitchen.
‘It’s nice to have visitors,’ she said, sitting heavily at the kitchen table. ‘Lars is your name, did you say? Norwegian?’
‘Yes, my mother’s from Norway.’
‘Always wanted to go there,’ Susannah said.
‘Well to be honest, this island looks just like the island my mother is from in Western Norway. Really, I could be back home.’
‘You don’t say?’ Susannah said.
What was happening? Lars was charming Susannah just as he had charmed Orla, and Emer’s stepmother, and everyone he ever met in her life. Emer put on the coffee, still not sure what to say.
‘Well now, Emer never told me you were visiting, else I’d have got her to get some cookies from the store.’
‘Lars can’t stay,’ Emer said quickly. ‘He’s taking the next ferry.’
‘Is that so?’ Susannah said, looking surprised. ‘But he only just arrived!’
‘I came yesterday,’ Lars explained. ‘I just wanted to see if Emer was okay.’
Susannah cocked her head on one side.
‘It’s been tough for her, since her sister Orla died,’ Lars continued.
Susannah jerked in her seat, and Emer could feel her eyes on her. Blazing into her. No one spoke for a moment. The silence in the room was heavy and weighted with questions.
‘Well, I guess I’ll let you young folk chat then,’ Susannah said, standing up.
‘Can I help you?’ Emer said, but Susannah batted her away.
‘I’m quite able to walk myself,’ she said, and Emer detected a sting in her voice. She was hurt. Of course. Emer had lied to her about Orla.
As soon as Susannah was gone, Lars leaned across the kitchen table and grabbed both Emer’s hands in his. ‘Please, Em, please promise me you’ll come back to me.’
‘I can’t leave Susannah; you’ve seen how sick she is.’
‘It’s not good for you to be here. She needs someone who can take care of her with none of your history. It’s bad for you, and probably not so good for her, either.’
‘That’s not true,’ Emer argued. ‘I let down Orla, but I’m not going to let Susannah down. I’m staying.’ She couldn’t explain it to Lars, but she also felt she needed to work out what had happened to Kate.
They stared at each other across the table. Emer absorbed every tiny detail of his face. Although she would never forget him, because he was always with her in her dreams at night.
‘You know that’s bullshit, Emer. You’re scared, I get it. But not everyone has what we have. Why would you let it all go?’
He didn’t understand, and Emer sensed that no matter how many times she tried to explain it to him, he never would.
‘I have to get back to Boston, the hospital,’ he said, making for the door. ‘But I’m here for you, Emer. All you have to do is call me.’
After he had left, she let herself cry. She imagined him waiting for her on the ferry until the last minute before it departed. The disappointment when she didn’t come running down the hill with her bag, hair flying, her heart open and ready to receive his love. She couldn’t do it.
Everyone leaves.
Orla had said it to her once, after their mam had died. You love with all your heart, and then they leave you. Mammy, Orla. Emer couldn’t fall into her love for Lars because if he left her too, forever, it would destroy her, and she’d never get back up. At least now, she was clinging on by a thread. Susannah, an old dying lady, was her lifeline.
The thought of Susannah roused her from the kitchen table. She had to shake off her self-pity. Explain to Susannah about Orla. And the letters.
Susannah wasn’t in the front room, nor was she up the stairs in her own bedroom. Emer heard footsteps on the floorboards. Susannah was above her, up in the eaves of the house, in Emer’s bedroom.
‘I’m so sorry about that,’ Emer apologised, rushing up into the bedroom.
Susannah was standing at the window, staring out at the golden trees.
‘No need to apologise for your visitor,’ she said stiffly. ‘I just wanted to look at the view from up here again.’ She turned and looked at Emer coolly. ‘This was our bedroom, mine and Kate’s.’
Emer took a breath. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Orla,’ she said, her voice trembling.
Susannah frowned at her. ‘Yes, why did you do that?’
‘It’s just it’s so raw for me,’ Emer said, fighting back the tears. ‘She only just died last month. It’s very hard to accept.’
‘I understand,’ Susannah said, her gaze softening as she put a chill hand on her arm. Emer could feel the bones in her thin fingers. ‘Really, I do.’
Emer felt overwhelmed by the older woman’s kindness. She hadn’t been expecting it. ‘I need to show you something I found,’ she said, going towards the bed and picking up the quilt.
Susannah frowned at her, looking puzzled.
‘Let me show you,’ Emer said, finding the hole and pushing her hand inside the quilt until she grabbed hold of the letters. She began to pull them out, one by one.
Susannah gasped as she recognised her own handwriting. ‘She must have been hiding them from him,’ she whispered to herself. ‘He wanted to read everything I sent her.’
Emer couldn’t imagine how awful it would be to have to hide your sister’s letters from your husband.
‘Oh, Katie.’ Susannah’s voice broke as she took the letters from Emer.
‘Would you like me to read them to you?’ Emer offered.
‘Have you read them already?’ The older woman looked at her, and Emer felt herself colouring.
‘Yes, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, but I just couldn’t help it.’
Susannah clutched the letters to her chest, and gave Emer a piercing look. ‘Then I guess all our secrets are out tonight,’ she said.
24
Susannah
May 1960
It took Susannah a moment to figure out where she was. The bed was harder than normal, the sheets stiff, and there it was – the familiar scent of soap and salt. She was home again. Back on Vinalhaven, in her mother’s house. They’d only arrived last night and already she ached to run away. She rolled over in her bed and looked at Ava, asleep in her sister’s bed beneath the pink and blue quilt. Kate was sharing their mother’s bed until tonight, when she and Matthew would be moving into the front room downstairs. While Ava had been upstairs last night, freshening up in the bathroom soon after they’d arrived, Kate had shown Susannah the newly decorated room.
‘We’ve got new drapes, do you like them? I think the yellow is so sunny, and the room gets the morning light. And Matthew’s father gave us the bed.’
Susannah sat down on the iron bedstead. She really didn’t like the thought of Matthew living in her old house with her mother and her sister, but what could she do about it? She had left, with no intention of returning.
‘I think it’s so great of him to move in with Mom,’ Kate said cheerfully. ‘It means I don’t have to worry about her on her own, all the way out here.’
If Ava had been nervous about meeting Susannah’s family, it hadn’t shown. She and Kate had got on from the first instant they had been introduced. Especially when Ava had shown such great interest in Kate’s wedding dress. Their mother had been a little more reserved, clearly not having expected Ava to be American Indian.
‘And where are you from, Ava?’ her mother had asked as they sat down to dinner.
‘The northwest,’ Ava said. ‘Place called Puget Sound.’
‘What’s it like?’ Kate asked her.
‘Not so different from here. Little islands and the sea. Though the skies feel bigger.’
‘And what are you studying at Harvard?’ Kate continued to gush. ‘Are you majoring in history, like Susie?’
‘No, I’m majoring in law,’ Ava said.
‘Oh boy,’ Kate enthused. ‘You must be even cleverer than Susie!’
‘And what does your father do?’ Susannah’s mother continued the interrogation.
‘He works in construction,’ Ava said, keeping her voice light, though Susannah sensed she wasn’t keen to talk about her parents. ‘This peach cobbler sure is the best one I ever ate,’ she said, changing the subject.
‘Well, thank you,’ Susannah’s mother said, looking pleased.
‘What kind of food are you having at the wedding?’ Susannah asked, continuing the food line of conversation and steering it away from Ava.
‘We’re doing a cold buffet. Matthew’s mom is coming over in the morning to help us make it. Can you and Ava help too?’
‘No problem,’ Ava said. ‘What do you need making?’
‘Chicken salad and dessert, so it’s simple enough,’ Kate said. ‘Mom has already made the cake.’
‘We just need to put it together,’ Susannah’s mother added.
‘I can’t believe it’s the eve of my wedding,’ Kate said, clasping her hands in excitement. ‘You are happy for me, aren’t you, Susie?’
Susannah felt Ava squeeze her hand in reassurance under cover of the dinner table. There was no point trying to stop Kate now. Her sister was besotted. The best Susannah could hope for was that she could somehow get along with Matthew, and that he would prove to be a good, kind husband to her sister.
‘Ava is so great,’ Kate enthused later that night as Susannah helped her set her hair for the next day. ‘I’m so glad you have a good friend now I’m getting married.’
‘You’re still my sister, Katie. Nothing changes with us.’
Kate gave her a serious look. ‘I’ll have to put my family first.’ She sighed, and looked at Susannah in the mirror. ‘When are you ever going to meet a nice boy? I want our children to be the same ages.’
Susannah met her sister’s eyes in the mirror. Could she tell her the truth?
‘I’m not sure I want to have children, Katie,’ she’d said.
‘What? You’re only thinking that because you haven’t met the right boy,’ Kate retorted. ‘Believe me, as soon as you do, you’ll want a baby all right.’
Early the next morning, Susannah watched Ava sleep. She was all she ever wanted. But how could she ever explain that to Kate?
Susannah closed her eyes and summoned their apartment off Harvard Square. All the books piled everywhere: towers of words, thoughts, knowledge. The big green chair in the window, where she’d curl up for hours, notebook balanced on her lap, flicking through her books and taking notes. She could see the sanctity of her desk now. The little black typewriter, her piles of paper, and the blue glass paperweight on top of them.
There was Ava back home. Sitting in her nook, black stocking feet on Susannah’s lap, balancing a cup of coffee on her knees as she gazed out of the window. They were listening to Billie Holiday. Her powerful lyrics binding them in complicity. Over the next couple of days, they had to keep the
ir secret safe. Susannah couldn’t wait to be back at Harvard, and themselves again.
But today was Kate’s wedding day. Her little sister was getting married, and it was her duty to make the day as special and as wonderful for Kate as she could. Susannah pulled the covers off the bed, and opened the curtains. She stared out of the window. The view looked across their garden to the harbour. The bay was rough, waves cresting white and choppy, with clouds racing above. It looked like it was going to rain. Maybe if there was a storm so fierce nobody could leave their houses, the wedding would not go ahead today? Susannah felt a surge of hope, and then immediately guilty. She needed to stop thinking her sister’s wedding was an event to dread. She had to be happy for her. This had always been Kate’s dream. She’d been so excited in all her last letters, going on and on about all the plans.
I can’t wait to be his wife, she’d written to Susannah. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, to have my own family. Lots of babies, Susie! You’re going to be the best aunty in the world!
Ava stirred in the bed and opened her eyes, stretching and yawning.
‘Good morning, darling,’ Susannah whispered.
‘Good morning, my sweet.’ Ava smiled back.
Susannah felt better instantly. She was here with Ava, her love. This was all Kate had ever dreamed of, to be in love and to be loved. How could Susannah stop her from trying to have that? Maybe marriage would be the making of Matthew, and he would prove deserving of her sister’s adoration.
The rain stayed off, and the wind dropped. It was a picture-perfect wedding day. Kate looked like a princess in her long white dress, edged with lace she’d made herself. Not a soul could help but admire how pretty she looked, glowing with pride and joy as she showed off her gold wedding band. It was a small wedding, just the two families, and some fishermen friends of Matthew. Silas watched on, bottle of beer in hand, while poor Rachel stood behind him, heavily pregnant and looking miserable as a small child tugged on the hem of her old dress. She’d put on so much weight, Susannah hardly recognised the popular and glamorous Rachel from the night of her summer dance less than three years ago. Susannah looked away, terrified she’d just seen a vision of her own sister’s future.
The Island Girls: A heartbreaking historical novel Page 18
