To Be Yours

by Elana Johnson

  “This is a joke,” Luke said. “I don’t even know why we’re bothering.” He started to stand but I gestured for him to stay put. “It’s a joke, Gray.” He looked maybe a second away from breaking. “I know she’s not drinking herself to death because of you. Mister Popular who hits a home run in every game. Or Darren, who does everything right and never says a word.”

  Luke’s chin shook and I’d never seen so much anger in one person’s eyes.

  “It’s not your fault,” I said, suddenly getting all of Luke’s emotions. The reason he snuck out, got high.

  He scoffed, which sent a tear down his cheek. He swiped at it. “I’m not even trying anymore.”

  “Dad,” I said. “Tell him it’s not his fault.”

  “Of course it’s not.”

  Luke ground his teeth together, folded his arms, and looked away.

  Dad sighed, seeming to fold in on himself. “There’s more than you guys know about.” His square jaw—which all of us boys had—tightened. “I’ve already got a spot at Flathead Addiction Recovery in Boise. The program starts on March first. She’s going, even if I have to haul her to the car while she’s drunk and passed out.”

  The calm, powerful way he spoke brought me comfort. Finally. My dad was going to be the dad. The one who would clean up the wine bottles and make sure the house smelled fresh and clean.

  “The important thing, boys, is that we don’t give up on her. Everyone copes with tragedy in different ways.” Dad rose and knelt in front of us, putting one hand on Luke’s knee and one on Darren’s. He looked us each in the eye. “Your mother had a hard time when her parents passed away five years ago. I thought she was drinking more, but she was okay. Then…” He cleared his throat and glanced away. The exhaustion in his eyes when he faced us again felt bottomless. I wondered how long he’d been living without any hope.

  “Then what?” I asked.

  “She lost a baby,” Dad said, his voice as haunted as I imagined Mom to be.

  “When?” Luke asked.

  “Three years ago. She never recovered. Started drinking more and more once the doctor told her she couldn’t have another baby without serious risk to her own life.” His voice pitched up on the last word, and he struggled to control his emotions.

  I did too, and Luke started weeping beside me. Dad gathered us all close and held on tight, tight, tight. “I’m trying to save her,” he whispered. “Bring her back to us. It’s just hard to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”

  “Don’t give up,” I said. “Please, Dad, don’t give up.”

  Part of Eden’s letter to her father:

  Dad, I started making some new friends today. For some reason, I didn’t think that was something you wanted me to do. I thought I needed to be serious, focus on finding something where I could leave some sort of legacy. I don’t know why I thought that. Maybe because I was nine when I read your letter and I’ve been weighed down by making you proud for eight, long years.

  But I sat with Mona and her friends today. Lyla doesn’t seem to mind that their trio has become a quad, but Thea wasn’t overly nice. She kept giving me these looks like she didn’t want to say anything in front of me.

  I can’t say I blame her.

  I think I blame you.

  19

  Eden

  “So, where do you want to go?” Grayson appeared at my side as if he’d magicked himself to E-hall from his third-period class.

  I swung my head toward him in slow motion, like someone had tied a weight to the back of my neck. “What are my choices?”

  “Let’s see, Big J’s. Always a classic. Café Hilde, though I’m not a fan of their tortilla soup. There are the chains, but honestly, I don’t think we have time.”

  I almost told him that he liked burgers so we should go to Big J’s. In fact, I’d seen him eat the triple badger—a triple bacon cheeseburger—just before we came back to school in January.

  But something made me pause. That same something that didn’t want to please everyone all the time. Who didn’t want to just agree with what he wanted to make him happy.

  What did I want?

  “Eden?” Grayson touched my shoulder, sending a zip of electricity down to my fingertips.

  “Have you been to that baked potato spot? You know, the one that only serves potatoes?”

  A crease appeared between his eyebrows, but he recovered quickly. “Sure, potatoes. My favorite food.”

  I smiled, closed my locker, and stepped away. “I’ve never met a potato I didn’t like. Come on, I’m sure they have something a carnivore like you will like.”

  Ten minutes later, he pulled into the parking lot of the potato bar. The conversation had been easy on the way over, mostly because he talked about Luke’s upcoming guitar performance at the only club in town. “He has to play and be out by nine-thirty,” Grayson concluded as he met me at the front of the car. He reached for my hand and threaded his fingers through mine, his eyes cautious.

  “So,” he said when I didn’t pull away. “You wanna go with me? It’s this Friday night.”

  “Sure,” I said, employing my new strategy to say yes when boys asked me out. Especially cute ones, who I’d kissed before and who currently held my hand. Who I wanted to kiss again and hold hands with over French fries.

  Grayson’s grin could’ve made the sun seem dim. “Great. I’ll pick you up at—”

  “Oh, uh,” I interrupted. “If you come pick me up, my mom will ask approximately forty-two thousand questions.” I stepped past him when he opened the door and waited. “And, have you talked to Josh?”

  Grayson’s fingers tightened, which was a definite no, I haven’t talked to Josh.

  “He knows I like you,” Grayson said like that would settle it. He exhaled as he looked up to the menu. I watched him for a few extra seconds. He wore too much tension in the set of his jaw and worry practically streamed from his shoulders.

  “They have shepherd’s pie,” he said. “I’ll have that.”

  “See? Something with meat.” I nudged him with my elbow. “I want the garlic explosion.”

  He scanned the board until he found it, and I knew the moment he realized there would be no kissing after this lunch. “Wow,” was all he said.

  I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled from my throat. It felt so good, and I made a mental note to write about it in my letter that night. “It’s really good,” I said. “I’ll let you have a bite.”

  “And I’ll give you a mint when we finish.” He flashed me a grin and stepped up to the counter to order. With soda cups in hand, we filled our drinks and found a table. “So I wanted to talk to you about something,” he said.

  A tremor of fear stole through me, but my voice stayed steady when I said, “All right.”

  Grayson took another drag of his soda and kept his eyes trained on the napkin dispenser sitting on the table between us. “It’s about prom,” he said.

  My heart started stutter-stepping in my chest. “All right,” I repeated, drawing the words out longer this time.

  “I want to take you.” He looked up then, right into my eyes.

  I almost gasped with the intensity I found in his gaze. My first instinct was to run. Say no, and run. Maybe grab my garlic explosion on the way out, duck around the corner, and stuff my face with the potato, cheese, and garlic butter.

  I gave my mind a few moments to slow down, several more for my pulse to steady. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.

  “JJ asked you first, didn’t he?” The defeat in Grayson’s voice sounded bottomless.

  “No,” I said, glad I could finally speak.

  He leaned back and folded his arms. “Who then?”

  The server arrived, bearing a tray with the largest potato known to man. “Right here,” I said, my stomach growling for garlic. She placed the shepherd’s pie in front of Grayson and headed back to the kitchen.

  I picked up my fork and prepared to dive into the mozzarella, the garlic butter, the p
armesan, the garlic-infused broccoli, and a blend of garlic salt and pepper. “This is seriously the best thing you’ll ever eat.”

  I took a bite, nearly burning the roof of my mouth, before I noticed Grayson hadn’t moved. He didn’t even blink when I looked at him. “What?”

  “Prom?”

  I imagined myself wearing a fancy dress, heels to make me closer to Grayson’s height, more makeup than just mascara, my hair twisted up on top of my head. My fingers twitched with the memory of Grayson’s between them. My lips tingled, though our kiss was days old.

  I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say yes really loud.

  “Sure,” I said. “I want to go to prom with you.”

  His grin was infectious, so I returned it. “But,” I said, scooping up a forkful of potato. “No more lies, all right? I don’t want words like ‘sister’ being thrown around. They’re hard to forget.”

  His smile vanished and he blinked at me. Blink, blink. “No more lies,” he repeated.

  I nodded and stuffed my mouth full of potatoey goodness, feeling like I’d finally done something I wanted to do without even considering what my dad would think.

  * * *

  I slammed my locker closed after school, a smile stuck to my face since lunch.

  “Good day?” JJ leaned next to the locker next to mine, an identical grin on his face.

  “Yeah.” I shifted my backpack and cocked my hip. “Are you ready for the test tomorrow?”

  He scoffed and stepped with me. “Not really. You want to study tonight?”

  “I can’t. I have to work.”

  He paused at the hall’s entrance. “Hey, so I’m wondering if you want to go to the prom with me.”

  Everything inside me froze. “Yeah, sure,” came out of my mouth.

  He slung his arm around my shoulders and laughed, the sound mostly filled with relief. “Great. I have to run. My little brother’s waiting.” He squeezed me and jogged away, leaving me wondering what I had just done.

  “Did I say yes?” I whispered to the empty hall. I spun around, as if someone would be there to confirm or deny what had just happened. No one was there. My heart raced. The lockers blurred and everything turned the same color.

  Just as quickly, everything solidified into crystal clear focus. The scent of leftover perfume, hairspray, sweat, and JJ’s aftershave permeated my nose. I blinked, and everything settled.

  I had two dates to the prom.

  I wasn’t sure what to do about it. My first thought was to rush home and read Dad’s letter. Then I remembered that he hadn’t actually given me any advice I could use. Frustration and stupidity combined inside, making a strange combination that turned my legs to jelly and my mouth dry.

  I finally got myself to move when a group of girls rounded the corner, their heads bent together. If they had been just a minute earlier, I’d have witnesses to my blunder. Grateful, I hurried out of the building to where Mona waited in the parking lot.

  “So, you’re going to prom with Grayson,” she said as we pulled away.

  All the happiness of being asked to prom pushed out the anxiety of actually having two dates. “Yeah.” I sighed and smiled, meeting my own eyes in the sideview mirror. I hadn’t seen that glow on my face before. I liked it.

  Prom wasn’t for weeks and weeks. I’d deal with JJ when I had to. As long as Grayson never found out, it would be okay. I didn’t want to add more pain to his life. Never. I wouldn’t.

  So he just couldn’t find out.

  * * *

  I practically floated through the door after girl time with Mona. Even though the house felt more like a chicken coop with all the squawking the little girls were doing, I smiled at Mom.

  “I got asked to the prom today,” I called to her over Jilly’s crying and Lily’s singing. Josh stalled his escape down the hall, and I cursed myself for being so stupid—especially because if she asked who I was going with, I wasn’t sure how to answer her.

  Mom paused in her work, the duster resting on the picture frame like she’d forgotten how to use her muscles. “Are you going to go?”

  “Yes,” I said firmly, tearing my eyes from Josh’s position at the mouth of the hall. “I have money from the hospital. Maybe you can help me with the shoes?”

  Mom put down the duster and stepped toward me, her smile growing with every moment. “You said yes? Eden, that’s great.” She swept me into a hug, and I took a deep breath of her warm, comforting scent. “I think we can afford the shoes—and the dress.”

  I pulled away. “Really?”

  “You’ve been saving for the ice skating competition, and—” Her voice broke. I wasn’t sure why this made her emotional. She waved at her silliness and gave a choked laugh. Once she’d composed herself, she asked, “Who are you going with?”

  Josh edged closer, his expression beyond curious, practically screaming at me: Who? Who asked you?

  “It’s no big deal,” I said, deciding on the spot to say Grayson if pushed, although saying JJ’s name would definitely get me off the hook with Josh. But how could I say JJ when Josh and Grayson were practically brothers?

  “We’re already friends, and honestly, it’s a pity date,” I said.

  “Come on,” Mom said. “I’m sure it’s not a pity date. You’re a beautiful girl, Eden.” She picked up the duster again and glanced at the clock. Almost time for piano lessons. Perfect time to slip away.

  I stepped toward the hall, thinking I could get away without telling anyone who’d asked me to prom. I should’ve known better. Mom let chaos reign in the house, but she knew every single bit of it, every single second.

  “So who are you going with?” she asked just as I approached Josh.

  My heart somersaulted and then sank to my toes. I swallowed. I looked him straight in the face. “Grayson.”

  He flinched like I’d flicked icy water in his face.

  “That’s nice,” Mom said as I stared at my brother. I put my hand on his arm and towed him with me into my room, where I closed the door behind us.

  “Is this okay?” I asked him.

  “He’s liked you for years.”

  “That’s not an answer.”

  “If you like him, and he likes you, I don’t see why my opinion matters.”

  I frowned. Of course Josh’s opinion mattered. But so had my father’s, and I’d been trying to shrug that off, figure out who I really was, what I really liked, what I really wanted.

  “He’s a good guy, right?”

  “You would know better than me.” His right eyebrow cocked.

  “I would?” I shook my head. “What does that mean?”

  “You know him as well as I do.”

  I flopped onto my bed. ‘That’s not true.” Sometimes I felt like I barely knew him at all. Barely knew Josh. Barely knew myself.

  “Well enough to kiss him.”

  I locked my gaze on him, watched as he leaned against the door and folded his arms. “Right?”

  “Maybe,” I hedged.

  He chuckled and crossed the room. He sank onto the bed next to me. “Did he tell you?” I asked.

  “No. You just did.”

  I glared at him before letting go of my emotions. “We went to lunch today.” I fiddled with a string on the bottom of my shirt, winding it around the first knuckle of my pinky finger and unwinding it. “He asked me then. I said yes, because I’m tired of saying no for no reason.”

  Josh took a deep breath and blew it out. “Why did you say no to everyone for so long?”

  “Aaron,” I said, though that was only partially true.

  No more lies.

  “And Dad,” I said. Several seconds passed while we both revisited our own memories of our father. “But when I was out on that mountain, and climbing in those ridiculous ski boots, I realized a few things. Well.” I shook my head. “It wasn’t then that I realized it. I don’t know when I realized it.” My gaze flickered to the book where Dad’s letter resided. I flinched toward it, but fisted my fingers
and stayed still.

  “And now you’re saying yes.”

  To more than one guy, I thought but managed to keep under my tongue.

  “Now I’m doing what I want to do.” I dared to look up at him. “He kissed me on the mountain.”

  Josh nodded, a look of resignation on his face. “I knew he was acting weird when you guys got back.”

  “And again today after lunch, even though I consumed an insane amount of garlic.”

  “Grayson likes garlic.” Josh shot me a smirk.

  A giggle started deep in my chest and grew into a full-blown laugh. Josh laughed with me, slinging his arm around me as we faded into silence. “I sure hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.” I should tell him about JJ. Josh would probably know what to do so I didn’t hurt anyone.

  “He leaves for college in three months,” he said before I could.

  “Yeah,” I said, pushing myself to my feet. “I have to get to work. I’m taking the car, remember?”

  “I know. Mom’s making me drive the twins to their karate lesson. In the van.”

  I laughed again, because driving a van to Josh was like climbing a mountain in ski boots to me.

  I changed into my scrubs, took a few minutes to make a peanut butter sandwich, and headed out the door for an evening of cleaning up surgical rooms.

  That could’ve gone so much worse, I thought as I settled behind the wheel. I pulled out my phone and dialed Grayson as I set the car on the main road, a fifteen-minute drive south to the hospital.

  “Hey,” I said when the call went to voice mail. “It’s Eden. I told Josh about us. He seemed cool with it. And my mom said she’d buy my prom dress and my shoes.” I exhaled as I smiled. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt like this. Free. Happy. Looking forward to an event. Looking forward to the future.