by Laurel Veil
I shook my head. “I’m not holding my breath.”
I could tell she genuinely felt bad for me, so I tried to make her feel better.
“At least we have each other.”
She smiled. “You can stay here as long as you like.”
I knew she wasn’t just saying that. She really meant it.
We talked for hours. I couldn’t believe it. We thought a lot alike. And we even had the same interests and tastes in movies and books.
Our conversation flowed seamlessly from one subject to the next. Only at one point was there an awkward silence, and it was only because Amanda wanted to ask me something.
“Just say it,” I encouraged her.
“Don’t take this the wrong way.”
Here we go, I thought. Just when I was finally convinced she was genuinely a good person, she was going to ruin it.
“I’m glad you’re here. I was just wondering why you weren’t staying with Tori. I mean, I just thought you two were best friends is all.”
I exhaled in my mind. That wasn’t bad at all. In fact, it was a fair question.
I shrugged. I didn’t want to get into the messy details of mine and Tori’s friendship. I was actually starting to care what Amanda thought about me. I was pretty sure, like everyone else, she already had an opinion about us. Poor Tori—always the victim of Jess’s bullying.
Again, Amanda didn’t dig at me for answers though. She knew I didn’t want to talk about it, but before letting it go, she said, “I know it’s none of my business, but I didn’t think she was a very good friend to you.”
I was shocked. No one had every taken my side with her.
“What makes you say that? I thought you two were friends now.”
Amanda shook her head. “She just used me to get through algebra. And she used me to get at you—”
“What do we have here?”
Jay was smiling in the doorway. I was so happy to see him. I missed him. It was late and I was starting to worry.
“Jessica made us supper.” Amanda smiled at me.
“There’s plenty,” I chimed in.
“I’m starving,” he said. I got up and got him a plate and filled it.
As I sat across the table, I watched both of them talking and laughing. I wasn’t jealous. I felt a part of them. I wondered if this was what a family felt like.
That night, Jay didn’t have to sit with me quite as long. I had such an unusual feeling come over me. I tried to explain it to him, just before I dozed off.
“It’s hard to put into words. I’m just so relaxed. And, I feel like everything is going to be okay.”
He squeezed my hand and smiled, “It’s called peace, Jess.”
he sunlight woke me before the alarm on my phone could. I rubbed my eyes and then got ready for school. I even made my bed.
Jay was just coming inside as I stepped out of the bedroom.
“Good, you’re awake.” He held out his hand and I took it. “Come with me.”
“Where are we going?” I asked with a scratchy voice.
He led me through the kitchen, to the back door. “Close your eyes,” he said.
“You seriously want me to close my eyes?”
“Yes, or I’ll cover them.”
Reluctantly, I shut my eyes. I immediately felt my balance falter as I tried to take the first step down from the back porch. Jay quickly moved past me and swooped me up into his arms.
I started to laugh.
“Hang on,” he said.
I put my arms around his neck. It was a good thing my eyes were still closed. It helped me not to feel quite so shy.
“Almost there,” he said.
“What is it?”
He took a few more steps across the backyard and then put me down.
“Okay. Open your eyes.”
I slowly opened my eyes. I had to blink a few times to adjust them. I looked at the chicken coop and then at the shed. I couldn’t believe it when Bear stepped out from behind the stable.
“Bear!” I ran to him and threw my arms around him. “How are you, boy?”
I turned and looked at Jay. “Thank you,” I said as I ran to give him a well- deserved hug too.
“We better get going or we’re going to be late.” He looked down at me. “You are going to school today, aren’t you?”
I had considered not going, but knowing I had Jay and now, Amanda, I wasn’t afraid.
“I think it would be harder to stay home and go back later. I think I’ll go and just pretend that nothing’s wrong. I’m pretty good at that.”
We walked around front. Amanda’s car was gone, and where Jay’s car should have been, an old truck I didn’t recognize was sitting.
I stopped. “Who’s here?” I asked Jay.
“Me.” He smiled.
I watched as he stepped over to the strange vehicle and opened the door. “Get in,” he said.
It suddenly hit me all at once. “You sold your car to get Bear?” He was too nice for me. I didn’t deserve him.
“That car didn’t suit me. You were right, a tractor would have fit me better.”
I almost started to cry. “I-I don’t know what to say.” He had already helped me so much. This was too much. He was going to regret it when he knew me better, and I would never be able to repay him.
“I needed a truck that I don’t have to worry about getting torn up while I’m working. Come on.”
As I went to slide in, he said, “Oh sorry. Looks like I forgot to take Bear’s sack of oats out. Guess you’ll just have to sit next to me.” He grinned.
I was right about the decision I had made to go to school. I was sitting inside an old truck next to Cowboy and I was happier than I could ever remember being.
There was a small group gathered in the parking lot. I kept my eye on it as Jay tried to find a spot. I was unable to turn away, and then I realized it was Reanne in a red convertible BMW. What nerve! She actually did get a car just like mine. She was such a jerk. As the group parted and I was able to see the car more clearly, I gasped when I saw the tiny, scratch on the fender.
“What is it?” asked Jay.
I pointed. “My father sold Reanne my car.” I was so grateful we were in a vehicle no one recognized.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“I’m positive.” I couldn’t take my eyes off it. “I can’t go to school today after all. Please get me outta here.”
Jay didn’t try to talk me out of my decision or to convince me of anything else. He knew I was right and he simply left.
“You know, it was fine that he wanted to take the car back. I could live with that. I can’t believe he sold it to her though.”
“He doesn’t know how you feel about her, though, right?”
“I guess not, but he knows she goes to my school. She and her mother talked to him at my party. It was a sorry thing to do.”
We approached a traffic light. I needed to make a decision about which way I was heading.
“Go to my house,” I said.
Jay turned his head abruptly, “Are you kidding me?”
“No. I need to check on my mother. I need to get her out of there.”
“Do you think you can help her?”
I shrugged. “I have to do something. Why, do you think Amanda will mind?” I began to feel anxious and I started to ramble. “I know it’s a lot to ask and she’s already done so much. I don’t want her to think I’m taking advantage of her.”
“No, it’s not that. I don’t think Amanda will mind. I was just thinking your mom is probably going to need some professional help.”
“I need to get her out of there first, though, don’t you think?”
He smiled and nodded. “It’s what I would do if it was my mom.”
Jay parked out on the street at my request and I went in alone. I wasn’t sure what condition my mom would be in.
I noticed her car was gone, which was a good sign. Hopefully she was up and about, getting her life b
ack on track. I called her name anyway, “Mom!”
I stepped into my parents’ bedroom and called her name again. I noticed her closet door was open because the light was on.
“Mom?” I peeked in. Almost all her things were gone.
I pulled open a few of her drawers; they were empty. My father had kicked her out, too! This wasn’t going to be over any time soon.
I ran upstairs to grab a few more things. Now that my mom was gone, I would probably never come back. It was a good thing I did. There was an envelope for me lying on my bed. I tucked it into a bag. There wasn’t time to read it now. I threw in some things and ran all the way to Jay’s truck.
“Is everything okay?”
“Just drive.”
When I had a moment to catch my breath, I told him about my mom.
“Most of her things are gone,” I said.
I just noticed how dark it had gotten. Thick clouds had rolled in and they were threatening to drop rain at any moment.
“Do you know where she went?”
The envelope popped into my head. “Hold on. She left me something.”
I rummaged through my bag and pulled out the pink envelope. I recognized her handwriting, but also her stationary. It was thick and heavy. It felt expensive and it smelled of her perfume.
Her message was short. I read through it once quickly and then I read it again just to make sure I didn’t misunderstand.
Dear Jess,
I’m sorry, but I have to leave. I cannot be around your father right now.
I need to take some time for me, to get my life back together. I’m going to stay with Aunt Rene in California for a while.
I’m not worried about you. Unlike me, you are very strong. Go see Amanda Nichols. Tell her that I told you—it’s time. I will talk to you when I am doing better.
Love, Mom
“She left me. She went to California to stay with my aunt and she left me.” I shook my head in disbelief. “It shouldn’t surprise me. I just can’t believe she didn’t speak to me face-to-face or—I don’t know—give me a hug. She wrote me a couple of sentences in a card that I may not have even seen and then she went across the country for who knows how long.”
“I can’t imagine what that feels like, but…maybe it’s for the best, at least for now. She does need someone to help her stop drinking. She’s probably depressed too. That’s a lot for you to handle. You still have school to deal with and—”
“Yeah, school. My mom bailed and left me behind to deal with all the stares and gossip. She left me with no money, no way to take care of myself. She doesn’t even know where I’ve been staying. Which reminds me—she told me to go see Amanda.”
“Mandy? Why?”
“She said to tell her that she said it’s time. Whatever that means. Here, it’s short—let me just read it to you.”
When I finished, my throat burned from trying to keep my voice from trembling. My eyes were wet.
“What are you thinking?” asked Jay.
“I feel bad for her that my so-called father probably wants a divorce, but what about me? Wasn’t I worth sticking around for? And she said she needed time for herself. She is one of the most selfish people I know.”
Jay turned into Amanda’s driveway. Before he turned off his truck, he sent a quick text.
“Who are you texting?” I was afraid to ask.
I could tell he didn’t want to say and it made me nervous. I understood why when he said, “My mom. I told her I had a headache and went home. Otherwise she would panic when the school called her.”
“Having parents who care about you is nothing to hide, Jay.”
“I-I just didn’t want to make you feel worse.”
We made it inside just before the first raindrop fell. I melted into the sofa. Once again, I felt emotionally exhausted.
Jay made a fire and sat down next to me. “Do you think it will come back?” he asked.
“I think so.”
“What makes you think so?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about it. The first time I was visited, I saw my future.”
“Your possible future,” Jay corrected me.
“My possible future.” I pretended to be annoyed, but was actually grateful for his belief that my future could be better than what I had been shown.
“That visitation took place on the night of a very important…anniversary.” I could tell Jay wanted me to elaborate. “I’m not going to tell you what it was.”
He nodded. “What about the second time, when I was with you at the stable? You saw the present. It was the night of your birthday.”
“Right.”
“So, do you think you will be visited by your past next?”
I couldn’t see him clearly anymore because of the tears that suddenly filled my eyes.
“Hey, come here,” he whispered. “It can’t be that bad. Can it?”
I began to cry.
Just then the door opened.
“Sorry. I can leave. I was just worried.” It was Amanda.
She looked down so as not to intrude on our privacy, even though it was her home. But before she could close the door, the temperature dropped drastically and the black fog came out of nowhere.
manda, wait!” I shouted.
She looked up, and then froze with horror when she saw the fog.
“W-What’s happening?” she pleaded.
“Quick, come in and close the door,” said Jay.
“What’s going on?”
“There’s no time to explain,” I said in a rush. “Come here and take my hand.”
With large, fearful eyes, she did. Jay was holding my other hand. All three of us were now sitting side by side on the sofa.
The fog began to swirl counterclockwise. Like a tornado in reverse, a white funnel appeared from the fog and rose almost to the ceiling. When it stopped spinning, a female spirit stared down at me. Her hair floated all around her as if she were underwater.
She raised her arm and with her curled finger, she motioned for me to come. I continued sitting on the sofa, between Jay and Amanda, holding tightly to their hands. I felt my soul being pulled from my body. Jay’s and Amanda’s came with me.
Amanda was speechless when we looked back and saw our soulless selves, still resting on the couch. Suddenly, we were draped in the spirit’s robes and whisked at lightning speed to another place in time.
I recognized where we were the moment her robes came down. As I had feared, I was going to be forced to revisit my past. And now, not only was Jay a witness but Amanda was going to be a spectator too.
I took a deep breath as I watched my past self walk through the hallway of the dorm. I tried the knob. It wasn’t looked. I let myself in and then immediately wished I hadn’t. There was a couple lying on top of the small bed. Shirtless, Leo Alborne sat up quickly. He was so handsome. I had loved him so much. I felt the same pain in my soul that I had remembered feeling at that moment. I watched how I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Our eyes were locked like magnets. I was searching for the answer to why he would do this. I only recalled that there was someone else in the room when she moved in the fringe of my vision. Her hair was covering her face. My blood dropped ten degrees when I realized it was Tori. She didn’t know everything, but she knew I loved him. That should have been more than enough to keep her out of his bed. Our friendship was forever changed at that moment. I should have let her go.
That was the last time I ever laid eyes on Leo and we never spoke again.
Jay and Amanda looked at me. They weren’t for sure what they were seeing, but by the hurt in my eyes and on my face, I knew they were connecting the dots.
The images in front of us faded into darkness and a new scene grew more vivid.
I flinched when I saw my father’s angry face. Jay took a step toward me, put his arm around my shoulder, and drew me to his side as we watched the scene unfold.
“How could you let yourself get pregnant?” my father barked. I rem
embered wondering how he even knew. I hadn’t told anyone but Leo, and I was too afraid to ask.
“Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now,” he continued his rant. “I’m about to lose the dealership. We are about to lose everything! You selfish little…whore!”
With tears in her eyes, Amanda stepped toward me and put her arm around me, too.
My past self was shaking. “I’m not, dad. I love Leo. He is the only one.”
“He doesn’t love you back.” I winced at his hurtful words the same way I did when I first heard him say them. He was so callous.
“We want you to end this now.”
We? Leo told him. They wanted me to have an abortion. Leo had already told me that he wasn’t ready to be a father and that his father would kill him. He had been accepted at an out-of-state college and he would be gone by the summer.
“You will terminate this pregnancy immediately,” my dad barked.
“You want me to kill my baby?” My past self and I instinctively touched our bellies to shield and protect the baby.
“Does anyone else know about this?” my dad asked.
I shook my head. Tears were streaming down my face.
“What about your mother?”
Again I shook my head. How could I tell her? She was so weak. She couldn’t handle her own life.
My mother and father had never given me a family and now my dad was going to take my chance at finally having one away.
“Take care of this, Jessica.”
I nodded my head that I would. But I knew I would never let any harm come to my baby.
Amanda turned to me. “How could he be so cold?” She covered her mouth as she began to cry. She was so upset for me…I felt bad for her. I was afraid to look at Jay, but a gentle squeeze on my arm gave me reassurance.
In the next scene, I was wearing a bulky sweater. I remembered it wasn’t that chilly, but when I went up to my room and removed it, you could see my swollen belly. I lay in bed that night, the happiest I had ever been, rubbing my tummy, comforting my sweet baby and loving her to sleep. It would be the last time.
The spirit was merciful when it only hinted at what happened next. It showed a trace of blood on my sheets. I miscarried my sweet baby girl early the next morning.
