Finding Cassie Crazy

by Jaclyn Moriarty

  And NOW THIS PAUL HAS DONE EVEN WORSE, AND WHAT IF IT MAKES CASSIE WANT TO KILL HERSELF?

  So it is extremely important that Lyd and I do our best to help Cass. It is what we do, we help each other.

  Eg: this last year we were criminals fairly regularly (shoplifting etc) as our means of distracting Cass from all her sadness.

  2nd eg: Just today I got so upset because I got 42 out of 100 in a History exam and that’s practically failing. Anyway, I came out at lunchtime and sat down and just started crying. And Lyd said, ‘Wait right there,’ and she went to the canteen and got me a Toblerone, whereas Cass started French-braiding my hair. So before you knew it I was feeling much more cheerful.

  You see how we fix each other?

  So that’s what we have to do for Cass.

  I therefore really need you to steal Christina away from that horrible boy and break his heart.

  Thank you.

  Love

  Emily

  Hey Em

  I’m not so sure it’s okay to hurt yourself, even a little bit. Could you not scrape your pretty hands along the wall and cut the skin please? Because that makes me feel upset.

  Also, it’s never okay to break a mirror as that’s seven years bad luck. Right there.

  I get the point of your story about how you all help each other, but I wonder if distracting Cass by getting her into crime is all that mature? Maybe you could have distracted her with some action-packed DVDs?

  In relation to the exam, I myself have never cried about failing an exam. You did fail, by the way—42/100 is not practically failing.

  No offence.

  Em, is it really so serious to fail a History exam? In the grand scheme of things?

  Charlie

  Dear Charlie

  You might not think it to look at me, but my greatest fear is that I won’t be able to become a lawyer or any other profession because I’m not smart enough. So, yes, in the grand scheme it is that bad.

  We are supposed to be choosing our subjects for Years 11 and 12, as you are too probably, and I happened to ask Mr Botherit about what books they read in 3 Unit English and he gave me this funny look. And I realised he was thinking, I hope she doesn’t think she’s good enough to do 3 Unit English!

  It is strange that I tell you this, because I think I told you that we had secret assignments from Lydia, in which we had to write out our greatest fears. And they are now sealed in Lydia’s Note-book ready to read in ten years time. Although of course we already read Cassie’s once.

  Go figure.

  But the terrible thing is, I don’t actually think I was honest. Even with my two best friends. I didn’t write my real fears, which include: a sudden outbreak of bad acne right before the formal (or at any other time), weapons of mass destruction, any of my family getting sick.

  It sounds terrible but when Cassie’s dad died I got so frightened that my own dad or mum or brother would also get sick, almost like awfulness was contagious.

  You know, Cass is so quiet these days that it reminds me of when her dad died—it was stupid but I felt really angry with him for that. It was like he took a piece of Cassie with him when he left.

  And now I think Paul Wilson has taken another piece of Cass.

  She started skinny to begin with, I don’t think you can take any more of her.

  Lydia and I get annoyed with Cass (not to her face), because we wish she would be verbally angry with Paul, so we could give her therapy. But the only time I ever saw Cass lose her temper was once in primary when I told her she couldn’t ring the school bell properly. Also, once last year, when the doctor came out of the hospital room and told her that her dad wouldn’t be able to leave. We were there with Cass because it was the day her dad was coming home. Cass became very stern and angry with the doctor, as if he was a rude shopkeeper. ‘Don’t talk to me like that,’ she said, ‘Don’t you dare talk to me like that.’

  Anyway, never mind.

  Dad just issued me with a summons to attend dinner. I was planning on skipping it as I understand from a recent magazine that it is no longer a required meal. Dad got William to serve the summons on me. ‘Are you Emily Melissa-Anne Thompson?’ William said and I said, ‘Yes,’ and he threw a paper on my bedroom floor and said (as per the movies), ‘Consider yourself served.’ William is now making the summons into a paper aeroplane and Dad is standing in the stairway chuckling to himself.

  Love

  Emily

  Dear Emily

  There were a lot of sad stories and interesting things in your letter, and I would like to see you again and talk about them. I’m not good enough at letter-writing to talk about them by pen. Can we please go out again soon? I could just swing by your school and we could take a walk into Castle Hill. Any day next week?

  I have many questions, eg, are you saying that Lydia is the one who gives you secret assignments? Why? Are they connected to your criminal conduct? Let’s meet up, eh.

  Charlie

  Hey Charlie

  I didn’t actually mean to give it away about the secret assignments, but I guess I wrote without thinking. The secret assignments started in primary when Lyd, Cass and I had this huge fight. It was the first fight we ever had and I can’t even remember what it was about. Well, it was about how you ring the school bell properly. Anyway, all three of us stopped talking to each other for like ONE WHOLE WEEK.

  Then Lydia solved it by inventing this thing she called the Significant Secret Assignment. She wrote out this assignment on three different pieces of paper, one for each of us, and she used different colours for each one and burned the edges of all of them. The assignment was to go over to her place for a slumber party and have a midnight feast and never have another fight again.

  After that, Cass and I became a bit obsessed with secret assignments, and we made Lyd give them to us all the time. So she would give us assignments to do scary things such as sneak into the principal’s office while the principal was in the office having her afternoon nap. We almost never got caught.

  So! Then they faded away, but Lyd brought them out again to solve a fight we had in Year 7.

  And then? Last year? When we needed some wild and criminal distractions?

  Again.

  They have faded away lately, except that Lydia always brings them out as a way of solving problems.

  Anyway, Charlie, that is a nice idea about meeting up, but I don’t think we should do that. The fact is, I am going cold turkey on you as our parents did with marijuana a few years ago. If I keep seeing you, I might miss you a bit when you start going out with Christina.

  On that note, could you please give me an update of how it is going with Christina? Lydia is getting impatient with the revenge.

  It is SO COLD it is like the coldness has my head in a headlock.

  Love

  Emily

  Em

  I am going to lay this on the line here. I am not interested in Christina any more. This is because I am interested in somebody else. Do you actually need me to tell you who the somebody else is?

  Charlie

  PS Can you give examples of what you’ve done for criminal secret assignments in the last year? Out of professional interest.

  Dear Charlie

  Well, actually, I think you had better tell me who the person is in whom you are now interested. Thanks. Or just give me a clue or two. Thanks.

  Yes, I can give you examples of Lyd’s secret assignments. She gave Cass an assignment to break into the car of a teacher at YOUR school last term and steal some exam papers. This was actually to help Seb avoid doing his exam.

  You know, it’s strange that you and Seb are friends, isn’t it? Don’t you think that’s a coincidence? That Lyd and I ended up writing to Seb and you?

  Love

  Emily

  Dear Emily

  Well, Seb and I were kind of distant buddies but we became friends when this letter-writing scheme began. This was because Seb received a letter from Lydia and he star
ted asking around if anybody knew her name, because he thought, you know, the level of effort he put into his reply would be dependent on whether she was cute. That is Seb’s style, not mine, by the way. I knew you were cute from your handwriting.

  Anyway, I recognised Lydia’s name because of my supersonic memory. Her mother is Marianne Jaackson, the former star of the excellent soap opera The Tall and the Blooming, and her father’s a big-time judge. So I acknowledged Seb’s request for information, and he and I spent a bit of time trying to track down a photo of Lyd. We found an old story about the family that had been in the Woman’s Day, got a hold of the photo, and got confirmation that your friend Lydia is gorgeous. So he stepped up his letter-writing.

  Meanwhile, in the process, Seb and I became buddies. It was inevitable, anyway, as we are both the type of people to get in a fair bit of trouble at school. Through no fault of our own. We would have run into one another in the principal’s office at some point.

  Catch ya

  Charlie

  PS I will give you a clue about the person I’m interested in. She gets a very cute dimple in her right cheek when she’s trying not to smile. She has a very cute way of pronouncing ‘th’, and she wears a cute hat on cold days, which is like a French beret. I once had an appointment with her to Gaze into a Girl’s Eyes, which she went and cancelled on me, and I’ve been waiting all term for a chance to Kiss the Girl.

  Dear Charlie

  News flash! We have cancelled the revenge idea. You do not have to pursue Christina!! REPEAT: do not worry about pursuing Christina! Leave her! Lydia and I are going to work on something new. We don’t know what yet. We will do something though! We know that!

  And I will just be honest with you here, so there are no tricks or betrayals between us, and say that I actually knew what you looked like a fair while before I knew you. It was because Seb sent a photo of his own foot to Lydia, as part of a game they were playing (which now turns out was a dishonest game), and you were also, coincidentally, in the photo. Playing soccer. This happened just before I suggested we go on a Date with a Girl.

  So, listen, you and I can go out on another Date with a Girl, if you like, some time. You say the word.

  Emily

  Emily

  It is the middle of the night. The most weird thing has occurred to me. My supersonic memory just gave me another hyperlink in the void.

  I was lying in bed here thinking that it’s nice that you saw a photo of me early and still wanted to go out with me. That is a very nice story and I’m glad you told me. And then I was thinking about all the various cute things about you. Including the cute way you say the letters ‘th’. And then there was this VASHOOM and I remembered: that chick who made the prank call about the gas leak? She had a funny way of saying ‘th’ too.

  And then I got to thinking—well, you know, when I set the alarm off, as a consequence of the so-called gas leak, well, that meant I didn’t have to do a History exam. Which also meant that Seb didn’t have to do a History exam.

  So my question is this: is this something to do with Seb and Lydia? Did Lydia maybe tell Seb she’d get him out of the exam and then give YOU the secret task, or whatever you call it, of arranging for the alarm to go off?

  Can you please tell me, Emily, that you are not the person who made that prank call, as we are getting into being honest with each other at the moment?

  Charlie

  Charlie

  Well, I do not see why we need to be quite as honest as THAT.

  I am very sorry but I cannot tell you that it was not me who made the prank call. Because, actually, it was me.

  Please, will you forgive me and put it in the past as I have been trying to get you to do? Okay? It will just be left alone now. Okay, I am sorry that it was me who made the prank call. It was necessary, as it was a secret assignment, and we HAVE to do them.

  I am very sorry you felt embarrassed as that was not my intention.

  And when you think about it, it is fairly unfair because WHAT ARE THE CHANCES THAT IT WOULD BE YOU, my PENFRIEND, answering the phone? That is so unfair, the odds being against me like that.

  So therefore, let us forget that.

  Love

  Emily

  Well Emily

  I think maybe I can’t forget it. I see now that you’ve been laughing at me this whole time and that doesn’t make me feel all that happy.

  So we’ll just take a break, okay?

  Thanks

  Charlie

  PS By coincidence, Christina just broke up with Paul Wilson. I guess she saw through him all on her own. Paul seems to be moving on to someone else already, without much excess anguish, so that’s ironic.

  Charlie

  I HAVEN’T BEEN LAUGHING AT YOU! NEVER, EXCEPT WHEN YOU WERE BEING FUNNY!

  PLEASE can we forget it? And okay, great that Christina broke up with Paul, but just try not to move in on her, okay, you’d better just leave her to have a little thinking time. She’ll need a break, okay? I am VERY VERY sorry and I wish you would have some chocolate to feel better because I see that you might feel betrayed and so on. I see that maybe I should have told you straight away it was me, or maybe not even done it! But I had to do it!

  And besides which, you are not so perfect yourself, Charlie? Remember? You get into trouble at school all the time? And I don’t even know why! And there are things I don’t like about you! I don’t like the way you say the word ‘chick’, for example. I don’t like the way you often have something very superior to say to me.

  Emily

  Great, Em. Thanks. That’s fixed things.

  As I said, could we just leave it for now then? Maybe in a couple of months I’ll feel like I can look you in the eye again. But I can’t just now, okay?

  Cheers

  Charlie

  Charlie

  Well, I did not mean to get too carried away with negativity and please recall with that supersonic memory of yours that I have often been kind to you, as much as I could. And speaking of your supersonic memory, HOW SUPERSONIC IS IT REALLY WHEN IT TOOK YOU THIS LONG TO REMEMBER THAT THE GIRL WHO PHONED YOU HAD A FUNNY WAY OF SAYING ‘TH’? HOW SUPERSONIC REALLY? EH?

  Not so supersonic, after all?!?!

  Besides which, Charlie, come on! It’s not like I did anything ILLEGAL, is it? I mean, I just phoned the school and pretended there was the danger of a gas leak! That’s not exactly a CRIME!

  Emily

  Emily

  Please see below, as provided by my brother, for your information.

  Section 93IH, Crimes Act 1900 (NSW)

  (1) A person who conveys information:

  (a) that the person knows to be false or misleading, and

  (b) that is likely to make the person to whom the information is conveyed fear for the safety of a person or of property, or both,

  is guilty of an offence.

  Maximum penalty: five years imprisonment.

  Regards

  Charlie

  Go to hell, Charlie.

  Go to buggery, Emily.

  PART 28

  WINTER TERM

  LYDIA AND

  SEBASTIAN

  Dear Seb

  You’re the best secret agent in the history of secret agents. You rock.

  Thank you. I owe you.

  How come you and Charlie were shocked by it being Paul Wilson? Can you tell me anything about him? Thanks for the offer, but I don’t need you to do anything to him: I want to figure out something myself. Any information would be good though.

  Another thing: your Field Notes were great. Why don’t you send me notes like that explaining how you knew who I was in the Blue Danish? Sometimes I think maybe you cheated. Like asked around to find out what I looked like. I hope you didn’t because I’d have to kill you.

  Thanks again

  Lyd

  Dear Lyd

  Okay, got some information for you about Paul Wilson:

  Physical Appearance: tall; lifts weights a bit too much so th
at muscle tone is kind of obvious; gets a bit too much sun so skin is too brown for his white-blond hair. Fairly stupid looking, all up.

  Sex Life: Seems to be pumping. Has had a lot of hot girlfriends the last few years, and latest conquest is girl-of-many-guys’-dreams Christina Kratovac.

  Other Points of Interest: Year 10 form captain. Smarmy bastard. Thinks he can act. This agent (AKA) has longstanding contempt for Paul Wilson, for various reasons, including Paul Wilson’s crap soccer playing (apparently has no respect for the game). This agent also sees Paul Wilson walking home sometimes, as he lives near me on Pennant Hills Road. Don’t like the way he walks.

  You want to hook up this Friday night, maybe see a movie and discuss in detail?

  Your favourite agent

  Seb

  PS You think I cheated at Operation Recognise Lydia First last term? You break my heart. You want to trust a guy?

  Thanks.

  Dear Seb

  Thanks for the information about Paul Wilson. Can you tell me anything else about that girlfriend-of-the-rainbows or whatever you called her? I wonder if she knew her boyfriend was acting out some weird fantasy with Cass? Maybe she hates Ashbury girls and made him do it.

  Sorry I didn’t get to you before the weekend—I couldn’t have met you on Friday anyway. We were staying at Em’s because her parents were going to a conference for the weekend. The conference was called Lawyers are Lovely, Great and Superb: So Why Does Everyone Think that They are Liars, Greedy and Scum? and Mr Thompson was doing a speech called ‘Ten Tips to Make Lawyers as Popular as Doctors’.

  I’ll give you a sample, in case you ever become a lawyer:

  Tip No. 3: Look out for legal emergencies in your day-to-day life. In medical emergencies, people always shout for a doctor—but nobody ever shouts, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’ So lawyers need to be vigilant and find the emergencies for themselves. Let’s say a lawyer overhears two neighbours having an argument about who owns a lemon tree. The lawyer should sprint right up, calling, ‘It’s okay, everyone, I’m a lawyer! For starters, who planted the tree?’