by Soto, S. M.
I drop down to my haunches before her. Taking her hand in mine, I squeeze gently. “I’ll be back every single day.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
Catching me off guard, Luna throws herself into my arms and hugs me. Her little arms wind around my neck and squeeze.
“Bye, Daddy,” she whispers in that sweet voice.
The word strikes me right in the fucking chest, reaching places I never knew existed. It takes everything in me to keep my emotions in check as my entire world tilts on its axis.
“Bye, baby,” I whisper back. I have no intention of letting her go. I want to soak in every second I can. I’ll never be able to make up for those lost years, but I want to hang on to my little girl while she’s still little for as long as I possibly can.
When I glance up, fire and ice engulf my heart when I spot Selene staring at us. Regret and torment are in her eyes, but it doesn’t even come close to what I feel gripping my chest.
“Luna, start cleaning up your toys while I talk to your dad really quick, okay?”
My little girl groans but still does as she’s told, leaving me with her mother. I push up to my full height, squaring my shoulders.
“I think today went well.”
Even though I want to say something I know will hurt her feelings, I nod. Instead, I say, “I have this weekend off. I’m thinking about taking Luna over to my parents’ place. Maybe out to the movies or something.”
Selene rubs her lips together. “She’d like that.”
Tense silence resumes between us. She shifts, her mouth opening like she wants to say more, but the words never come. I’m not sure what she could say at this point that could make anything about this situation better. My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I take that as my cue to leave.
“I’ll be in touch.”
Her crestfallen face is the last thing I see before I turn on my heels, heading back toward my truck.
The next day, after I got back from dropping of a contract for a new project a few towns over, I head over to Selene’s place. I’m surprised when Gavin answers the door instead of her.
“End, how are you?” he asks.
I slip my hands into my pockets, lifting a shoulder in a noncommittal shrug. “I’ve been better.”
An unexplainable sadness takes over his face. He glances over his shoulder once before he walks out, closing the door. He jerks his head behind me. “C’mon, son.”
I follow in step beside Gavin, remaining silent. I wait for him to say whatever it is that’s bothering him. “I’m sorry about all of this, End. I had no idea. I know this can’t be easy for you. I imagine it isn’t easy for either of you.” Tightness grips my chest. “I knew I’d made mistakes in the past, but it wasn’t until I learned who my granddaughter’s father was that I realized just how much I fucked up. I failed as a father, End. I went far too long without speaking to my daughter, and there has been nothing I regret more. I can’t help but think maybe if I was there for her, she would’ve confided in me.”
“This isn’t your fault, Gavin.” I sigh, hating that he blames himself.
“It is. My daughter is strong, and I know this is killing her, the guilt of keeping you from Luna. And I know right now all you probably feel toward her is anger, but…she means well. Always has. She has the best heart. Even if she made horrible choices, she cares about you.”
My nostrils flare. I don’t want to hear this right now. Not when I already feel my anger slipping. I need to stay angry with Selene. My anger is giving me purpose. It’s a guide through this fucked up new situation. That’s the only way I’ll get through this.
He pauses when we get to my truck. “I’m sure you’re here to see Luna, not listen to me babble. They’re out getting signed up for the next school year.”
I nod. “Thanks, Gavin. For everything.”
His eyes shine with something I can’t place. He shoots a tight-lipped smile my way. “Don’t thank me. Just trying to right some of my wrongs while I still can.”
Pain spears my heart at his words.
He turns, heading back inside the house, his gait slow and stiff. It is the walk of a man in misery. A man with his strength being depleted day in and day out.
Hopping into my truck, I make an educated guess and figure out where Luna and Selene are. The entire drive there, I still feel the lingering effects of my conversation with Gavin. An inexplicable sadness haunts me. He’s been a close friend. Not so much a father, since I already have a loving father, but something just as close.
The second I step foot onto the grounds of the elementary school, everyone stops to stare. I let the curious glances roll off my back. Then the whispers start, people wondering why I’m here. Dunsmuir Elementary is a K-8 school and the only one here in the town. It’s the same one that’s been here since I moved from Lake Tahoe. It wasn’t hard to guess where Selene would be signing Luna up.
I find Selene and Luna easily. They’re in a long line of other parents waiting to fill out a stack of paperwork. When Luna sees me, her eyes light up, and the smile that ripples across my face spreads over my heart like a warm blanket. She disengages her hand from Selene’s and runs into my arms. I catch her effortlessly.
“Hi, Daddy,” she says, staring me directly in the eyes. Warmth fills my veins, and my heart stutters at that one word. My grin widens. She is too cute for her own good, and she’s all mine. Barely able to contain her excitement, she wraps her little hands around my neck and grins.
“Mommy’s signing me up for school.”
My chest expands with something light. The sensation is so foreign that it trips me up. Why did hearing the word “mommy” spark something in my chest? I’ve heard Luna say it before, while referring to Selene, but now that she’s mine? The word “mommy” takes on a whole new meaning. I have a whole new connection to this woman that I never saw coming.
“I see that. You excited?”
“Yup.” She pops the “p” with extra oomph. “My papa said he’d give me a toy if I learn something new every day once school starts.”
“Did he? Sounds like a good papa.”
“He’s the best. But when can I meet my other papa and nana?” she asks, cocking her head to the side. Her long wavy brown hair, identical to her mother’s, slides to the side of her shoulder like a curtain of sorts. My brows furrow.
“What do you mean?”
“Well,” she starts, glancing back at her mom. “Mommy told me last night that I have another nana and papa who love me a lot, too. She said that pretty soon I’d get to meet them.”
My gaze darts toward Selene. She’s still in line, though now, her gaze is glued to us. She’s fidgeting, her hands fiddling with the paperwork she’s holding as if she can’t help herself. She shoots me a shaky smile. It’s barely there and definitely unsure.
I don’t return it.
Instead, I look back at Luna. “Yeah, those are my parents, and they’re so excited to meet you.”
With everything going on, I still haven’t talked to my parents about everything, which I need to do as soon as possible. If they hear about this from anyone else but me, they’ll have a heart attack, and by they, I mean my mother. A part of me is actually surprised Selene talked about my parents to Luna. I don’t know why, but I thought she’d try to hold back, try to keep Luna from us, but obviously, that doesn’t seem to be the case. So far, she’s been fairly accommodating about everything.
Not that any of it makes up for the six years I’ve already lost.
Taking Luna’s hand in mine, I guide us toward the long line Selene’s waiting in. I notice her body begin to stiffen the closer we get. I can feel the curious gazes of everyone near us.
“Selene.” My voice is gruff and cold.
Hurt lances across her face, and her slender throat works a swallow. “Endymion.”
I raise a brow. My full name? Interesting.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you I was signing her up today. It jus
t…it slipped my mind.”
I bite my tongue, not wanting to spew hurtful words. Especially not in front of Luna. As much as I’d like to lash out at Selene, I need to practice some self-restraint for my daughter’s sake.
“It’s fine. I’m here now.”
We stand in tense silence while Luna talks our ears off. The line goes by pretty quickly, and before long, we’re next. Selene hands over most of the stuff while she finishes filling out the remaining paperwork.
We go through the rest of the motions of getting Luna signed up for school. Most of the families and parents have disbursed, left to do other things, but Luna begs us to stay a little while longer so she can play on the playground.
Selene and I take a seat at one of the benches near the playground and watch her. She’s been quiet this whole time, her eyes glued to our daughter.
Our daughter.
That’s not something I thought I’d ever get to say. She fidgets again, just like she’s been since I showed up here unannounced. There is so much I want to say, so much I want to ask, but I find that I don’t know where to start. There is no telling where her head is, or what this means for the future. She uprooted her life to stay here to take care of her father. What happens when that’s done and over with? This is my home, where my company is. I can’t leave, and I refuse to let her take my daughter from me again.
“How long are you staying?”
She looks down at her hands. “As long as my dad needs me.”
A spark of anger ignites in my gut. “You’re insane if you think you’re going to take my daughter with you.”
Her gaze swings to mine, and for the first time since I learned the truth, there’s something other than sadness brimming there. Rage. It burns through those big, painfully beautiful hazel eyes in waves.
“Did I say that?” she snaps, anger burning the edges of her tone. Her eyes slam shut, and she rubs at her temple, heaving a tired sigh. “Obviously now, I’ll need to find a permanent place for us and figure out what to do from there. I have no intention of taking her from you, Endymion.”
Some of the tension I was feeling settles at her words. It’s better than I was hoping for. Nothing about our situation has been ideal.
I shift on the bench, watching Luna skid down the slide with a happy grin on her face. We sit for a long stretch of time, my next words like a bomb detonating between us. “I spoke to a lawyer yesterday.”
Her gaze swings to mine. Those doe eyes are wide and filled with fear. “What for?”
My lips thin into a grim line. “To get custody of my daughter.”
The color slowly drains from her face. “To get custody of your—” She chokes. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re being ridiculous.”
That simmering burn of anger in my gut suddenly roars to life, and I shoot to my feet before I say something I regret. This woman pushes all of my fucking buttons.
“Don’t you dare walk away, Endymion Black,” she barks out, trailing me. When I don’t slow my strides, she jumps in front of me, her hand clasping my forearm. I’m sure she thinks her grip is tight and unrelenting, but really, it feels like nothing at all. This woman couldn’t hurt a goddamn fly. “You can’t just drop a bomb like that and leave!”
I whirl on her. “Why not? It’s exactly what you did all those years ago.”
Her bottom lip trembles. “That was different, and you know it. Luna is my life, Endymion. I will not let you take her from me. I will agree to everything you say, but I will not give my baby girl up.” The pain, fear, and anger she’s been keeping locked away all explode at once. Tears soak her face as she lashes out, her finger colliding with my chest in a harsh jab. “I’ve made horrible mistakes, but I’m doing everything I can to right those.”
“Mommy! Daddy! Look at me!”
Luna’s excited voice pulls me out of the argument, and I watch closely as she struggles to make her way across the monkey bars. Plastering a grin on my face, I shoot her a thumbs-up. When I glance at Selene, she’s wiping the tears off her face and sniffing, trying to pull herself together before Luna sees.
Without a word, she turns on her heels, heading for our little girl. Heaving a deep, tired sigh, I give her a few minutes before I follow. Luna’s grin stretches across her face when she sees me.
“Want to go for some ice cream, Daddy?”
I shoot a glance at Selene, who is purposely avoiding my gaze. “I’d like that.”
The tension is thick at Sal’s ice cream shop. I remember coming in here as a teen after high school and getting the same thing every time—pistachio in a cone. Luna’s grip on my hand is tight as she peers into the glass windows, deciding what flavor she wants. Selene is hanging back, giving us space. I don’t tell her so, but I appreciate it. I appreciate that she isn’t hovering, that she’s letting me find my way with our daughter.
“What kind are you getting, Daddy?” As soon as she asks the question, Sal, the owner of the shop, rests his hands on the other side of the counter.
“Did I just hear this sweet little thing call you daddy? Lord, I’m getting old.”
“This is my daughter, Luna.”
She smiles up at Sal, a cheesy grin on her face. “And that right there is my mama,” Luna adds, pointing toward Selene. A blush stains her cheeks, and she waves shyly at Sal. His brows jump into his receding hairline.
“Well, I’ll be. Is that you, Selene? How long has it been since I saw you, child?”
Selene smiles. “It’s been a while, Sal.” She glances around. “I take it you still have the best ice cream in town?”
“In town? Girl, you know good and well Sal’s is the best in the county.”
“How could I forget.” Selene laughs. The sound wraps around me, causing my gut to clench for unknown reasons. It’s such a harmonic sound. I want to hate it, but I can’t.
“So, what are we getting for the beautiful family today? Let’s see if I remember this correctly. Rocky road for you,” he says, pointing at Selene. “Pistachio in a cone for you,” he says to me. “But you, I have no idea what you want, little miss.”
Luna smiles. “I’ll have strawberry. With a cone. And sprinkles, please.”
“Good choice.”
Much to Selene’s chagrin, I pay for our ice creams, and we find an open booth. Luna slides in next to me, eyeing my cone dubiously.
“Why is your ice cream green? All green stuff tastes gross.” Her little nose is turned up in disgust, prompting Selene and me to laugh.
“You’ve never tried pistachio? You haven’t lived.” I lift the cone toward her, and she jerks back as if its proximity is offending.
“No way!”
“All right, your loss.” I take a big chunk out of the ice cream, and she looks torn.
“Well, wait, don’t eat it all.”
My upper lip quirks. “Why ever not?”
“Because I want to try it now,” she admits begrudgingly.
With a laugh, I tilt the cone toward her, and she takes a tentative taste. Her eyes widen almost immediately. She goes back in for another taste, then another, then another, until Selene and I are laughing at her again.
“I take it you like it?”
“Mommy! I found my new favorite ice cream!”
I glance at Selene just as she’s taking a long lick of her ice cream, and Jesus Christ, I may be pissed as hell at her, but my body obviously doesn’t share the same feelings. Heat coils deep in my gut, and I have to force myself to look away.
“Little miss, you finished over there yet?” Sal hollers toward our table. Luna glances over at him, wearing an ice cream mustache.
“Yup!”
“Want to come help make the next batch of ice cream?”
Luna slides out of the booth, hopping up and down in front of our table. “Mommy, can I go help? Please, please, pleaaase.”
Selene smiles. “Go on. But make sure you listen to Sal, okay?”
She runs off, letting herself around the counter. She stands beside Sal,
waiting for instruction, eager to make ice cream.
It doesn’t escape my notice that when it came to asking permission for something, she asked Selene first, not me. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. If I didn’t feel that sharp laceration of rejection in my chest. I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before she feels comfortable enough to ask me permission for something. Or will that only ever be her mother’s position? Just thinking about it makes me angry all over again. My gut seizes with frustration, and I see red.
Forcing myself to look at something else and calm down, I spot a table a few spaces down from us. There is a group of people sitting there. Two women and three men. What bothers me is the man at the end of the booth has his eyes glued to Selene. She’s completely oblivious to him eye-fucking her as she finishes her ice cream, her gaze glued to Luna. He’s not even being sneaky about it either, the fucking bastard.
I grind my teeth together, tension filling my body as I think about Selene with another man. I have no right. I shouldn’t even care at all, but I suddenly feel possessive of this woman. The woman who birthed my child. The woman who lost her virginity to me. I can’t stop thinking about another man touching her because even though I loathe to admit it, she feels like mine.
Every one of her firsts is mine. I hate that I don’t remember that night. I hate that I was such a fucking idiot, and I hurt her enough to drive her away and keep Luna from me. I want to make amends for the past.
Idly, I wonder if she’s slept with anyone else since then, and I grow angry over the possibility of it being true.
If she was out with someone, who was watching Luna? And Jesus, the thought of another man parenting my child has red seeping into my vision. My hands fist under the table. For as long as I am walking this earth, no one else will step in as father where my daughter is concerned.
I shift back around in my seat, only to find Selene staring at me. She glances away quickly, realizing she was caught ogling. That damn flush climbs up the creamy expanse of her chest to her slender throat, and I’m riveted by the sight. Sneaking another glance at me, she realizes I’m still staring and shoots me a wary smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.
