by L. T. Varner
After two long weeks of being in the hospital, I was told I could go home to rest. Finally, I could be alone! The doctor came in to sign my release papers and again he asked if he could have a moment alone with me. After everyone had left the room, he informed me that I would need to come back in the next couple weeks to do a pregnancy test.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I yelled at the doctor.
He explained that when I was first brought to the hospital and examined, the doctors had determined that a condom had not been used. I could potentially be pregnant, but it was too early to tell. It was at that moment when I felt I had been pushed over the edge. The only thought that kept going through my head was that I just wanted to go home and kill myself.
I signed all the necessary paperwork and got the hell out of there. When we left the hospital, a blizzard was raging around us. I wondered what else I wasn’t noticing as dad helped me settle into the back of his SUV.
I tried to ask Mike about the bar and the day-to-day operations. He kept telling me not to worry about it right now and just to focus on recovering. It would all be there when I got better, he said. I felt like a small child. Everybody was watching what they said and how they acted around me, and it was getting old, really quick.
Once we got to my house, I went straight to my bathroom. Turning on the shower, I caught a glimpse of myself naked in the mirror for the first time in two weeks. I was speechless. Yellow and purple bruises covered my body, and scars were forming around the stitches they used to close the stab wounds. I pulled my hair back and saw the cut running down my forehead. I had no memory of how that injury even happened. I leaned over the toilet just in time as I lost what little lunch I had managed to eat earlier.
I started feeling numb, inside and out. I wondered where the person who did this to me was right now. Was he sitting in a bar bragging about his conquest, or in another country by now? Would the detectives ever be able to catch him? Probably not, I guessed.
I realized I was over-thinking again, so I decided just to get in the shower and do my best to forget about it as much as possible by making the water as hot as I could. I had taken numerous showers in the hospital, but I never felt like I could get rid of his scent. He smelled like grease, strong cologne, and smoke and just the thought made my stomach turn.
I was in the shower for a while when I heard Mike ask if I was okay. I yelled at him to “get out.” Instead, he opened the door, and I watched him look at my damaged body. His hands flew to his mouth, and he lost it. Tears streamed down his face as he fell to his knees. It tore out my heart to see how badly this was affecting him, as well. I held my arms out to him, and he pulled me down into his lap as the water sprayed us both. We stayed there crying, just holding onto each other. As he held me, I had an epiphany. Even though Mike hadn’t been assaulted, he was feeling everything I was, too.
After a silence that seemed to last forever, he said, “The water is probably warm again if you want to finish your shower.”
“I’m done,” I told him in a tone that only Mike could instantly recognize when I didn’t want to talk anymore.
He helped me without hesitation. My favorite sweatpants and t-shirt were on the bed. After pulling off the plastic around my cast, he quietly went back to the bathroom to get my glasses and my hairbrush. I got dressed and tried not to pay attention to the bruises or the aches and pains.
I just concentrated on Mike. All the things he was doing were giving me a hint of what I should be doing. Normal things I guess.
After I had put on the clothes he had set out for me, Mike pulled the blue comforter back and urged me to get into bed. He crawled in behind me, pulled me into his arms, and held me tight against him. I could feel him crying. It broke my heart to see him in that much pain.
I had no idea what to do to make him feel better. I couldn’t even make myself feel better. We just lay there in silence, both of us crying. I soundly fell asleep without medication for the first time in two weeks.
After that night, Mike and I seemed to be on the same page without speaking. He would quickly get visitors out of the house soon after they arrived, so I didn’t have to deal with their questions or their pity.
Dad soon realized too that I just wanted to handle this silently. After another week, he decided to go back to Austin to work with Uncle Tony. He told Mike a handful of times that if anything changed, he had better be the first person called at which point he would come back right away.
Mike made me go with him to take Dad to the airport. I hadn’t left the house since I had been released from the hospital and he said I needed some fresh air. He decided “we” would run some errands while we were in Rapid City. I wasn’t looking forward to the forty-five-minute drive alone with them both.
As soon as I stepped outside, I wanted to go back in. I complained about it being cold outside. Mike curtly said, “Well, yeah, it is almost Christmas. It’s going to be cold.”
After dropping my dad off at the airport, we went to a movie, then to the grocery store before we headed back home. I felt I was being watched the whole time we walked through the grocery store as Mike loaded the cart. I just wanted to get away from people.
On the way home, Mike could sense my mood and asked if I wanted to talk.
I glanced at him and said, “That is the first time you have asked.”
“Just waiting till you are ready.”
“How do you know I am ready?” I replied, playing with the zipper of my black leather jacket.
“I could tell when you actually left the house.” He took his eyes off the road and glanced at me.
“How did you find me?” I asked quietly while still focusing on my zipper.
“I heard your voice in my head telling me to look there.”
I just looked at him in complete astonishment and asked, “Are you serious?”
“Very!”
Mike explained that it was something he had never experienced before, and will never forget. He talked about finding me just lying there in the dirt, covered in blood, and how he thought I was dead. After hearing me wheezing for air, he knew I was alive, so he started screaming for help. By the time he got to the hospital, I was already in the trauma room. He was covered in blood, shirtless, and yelling for me, so the police questioned him. As we sat, he continued talking about the questions they asked and everyone else who showed up and were sent away. He had never before felt so helpless.
It seemed like he needed to talk more than I did, so I just let him.
He promised me that he would always be there for me, and he guaranteed that nothing would ever happen to me again.
“Mike, you can’t protect me from every bad thing that will ever happen to me. I am going to fall along the way. I just need you to help pick me up and keep moving forward.”
“I promise you, Danni, I will always help you get up and keep going. I love you so much,” he said, holding the back of my hand up to his lips before he kissed it.
The next morning, we went for a very slow walk, and I told him I wanted to go to the bar to catch up on paperwork. He started hyperventilating, saying I wasn’t ready to be there yet. He had only left my side over the last month for a couple of hours at a time. I wondered if he had a hard time seeing the cornfield now. As if reading my mind, he started yelling, “The cornfield is gone, Danni. They harvested it about a week after the attack. We are in negotiations to buy the land and make it a parking lot.”
“What the fuck, Mike? How could you go ahead with this without even telling me?” I yelled back at him, immediately regretting it as I felt a deep ache in my ribs.
That’s when it dawned on both of us that we were raising our voices at each other. This was a milestone for us, We hadn’t said unpleasant things out loud since the attack. Mike grabbed my hand to stop me and began to speak softly “Get ready, and we can go to the bar and catch up on some work, but, if too many people start bothering you, we’re coming home.”
I grabbed the clo
sest pair of jeans I could find and just pulled a shirt off the hanger without even looking to see what it was. I quickly dressed, threw on a pair of shoes, and headed to the door.
Sitting in the passenger seat on the way to town, I looked out the window and noticed all the Christmas lights. I wondered what it was about pretty lights that made people feel more festive. I had never been overly excited about the holidays. I usually spent Christmas with Dad, Mike, and Rosa. We would laugh and make fun of each other until someone became mad and the fighting began. Rosa would tell us to act our age and to be thankful we had a family. The thought of Rosa standing in front of us in her Santa robe yelling at us made me laugh out loud. Mike asked what was funny and after explaining it through my tears of laughter, he started laughing too.
“What do you want for Christmas, Mike?” I asked wiping my eyes.
“I would love to catch the man who did this to you and kill him,” he answered without looking at me.
The rest of the way to the bar, neither one of us spoke. Quietly, we looked out of our opposite windows.
“Oh, crap, there’s the bar,” I thought, as my heartbeat picked up. It looked busy, and I started feeling like I might see my lunch again at the thought of going in. Mike could see the panic on my face, and he kept driving. He didn’t pull into the alley where we have always parked. Instead, he parked a block away, and neither one of us said anything about it.
All I could do was take a deep breath and get out of the truck. Mike was standing there, with the door open, and his hand out for me. It took me a minute to put my hand in his before getting out of the truck.
“Danni, you don’t have to do this. It’s too soon. Maybe more time wouldn’t hurt.”
“No, Mike. I have to do this. I have to live my life.”
All I could do now was go inside and try to blend in. Mike pulled the door open and motioned me forward. I wondered if I could make it to my office without being noticed. The bar fell quiet, and I could feel all eyes on me, I froze, clutching onto Mike.
I noticed Chuck, walking toward me while he was moving people out of his way. He had been with us since we opened the bar and was one of our best friends. He put his large hand on the small of my back and pushed me to my office.
He had been in Colorado at his sister’s wedding when the attack happened. Mike had told me that he had not taken the whole thing very well.
As we entered the office, Chuck gave me a big hug, and I could tell he was trying not to cry. I hugged him back when Mike said something about my ribs and Chuck slowly let go of me.
“I am glad you’re back, Boss. I am so sor—”
Putting his hand over his face, he quickly walked out of the office, accidentally slamming the door on his way out. He was upset, and I had no idea what to say to make him feel any better. Tears blurred my vision, and Mike went to talk to him and see if he could help. I hated how this was affecting all of us.
As I looked around the office at my collection of autographed guitars hanging on the wall, I realized that this was the longest I had ever gone without playing. Music made me feel alive, but right now I couldn’t bring myself to even touch one.
I heard Mike come in the door behind me. “He will be okay. Just give him a couple of minutes.”
Then it was an endless line of people coming in the office, hugging me, and giving a bit of encouragement. Others wanted to know if there was anything I needed, and in my regular Danni fashion, I kept telling everyone I was fine and didn’t need anything.
I put on a happy face and started joking around. I made people smile, and it mostly came at Mike’s expense. He was such a good sport and, at one point he gave it right back to me. It was wonderful.
Chapter 2
Fires
Two days later, after a long, scalding shower, I walked into my room and saw that my bed had been made, and my room was neat and orderly. Like always, I knew that Rosa had been here. For the first time, I noticed how quietly and quickly she had always taken care of me.
I got dressed and went downstairs to find some coffee, immediately noticing that Mike wasn’t around. This was odd because lately it felt like he was attached to my hip.
I took advantage of the moment, grabbed a cup of coffee, and headed to my office to check my email. Logging onto my computer, I cringed seeing the local news: “Rapist Still At Large” and “Local Business Owner Recovering After Attack.”
I did some maintenance on the bar’s website just to put the headlines out of my mind. An hour later, Mike came walking in with a huge smile on his face.
“Where have you been?” I asked, genuinely smiling for the first time in a long time.
“Out,” he said, leaning over my desk to see what I was doing.
“And where exactly is ‘out’?” I asked, studying his expression.
“I will be ready in ten minutes so we can leave.” He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. With a huge grin on his face, he went upstairs to get ready to go to Rapid City. He definitely had my attention.
An hour later we were finally walking out of the house. I stopped short as soon as I saw my truck. The man who assaulted me would know this truck. Panic filled me, and I instantly knew I had to get rid of it. My dad had given me my truck two years ago for my birthday and at the time I loved it. Now it was part of a nightmare I was trying to wake up from.
On the way to town, I looked through every compartment, gathering up all my stuff and trying to clean it up the best I could. I blurted my plan to Mike and, surprisingly, he thought it was a great idea, that is, after my appointment. Mike didn’t press it further, and I was thankful.
Today was my follow-up doctor’s appointment. I had tried to get out of it, but Mike wasn’t going to let that happen. I blocked it from my mind after I had blood drawn last week and decided not to think about what the results could mean.
I quickly made my way to a chair in the corner of the exam room, but the doctor solemnly pointed to the exam table. I gave him a dirty look and climbed up as he opened my chart. He ran through the results and declared that everything was clean. Thank, God! That was a huge load off my mind until he reminded me I needed to do another pregnancy test next week.
After instructing me to remove my shirt, the doctor looked over my scars from the stab wounds. He studied them for a bit before indicating that everything was healing quite well. Seemingly satisfied with my recovery, he scribbled some names onto a piece of paper and handed it to me. I stared blankly at him as he encouraged me once again to see a therapist for the emotional effects he was concerned I was suffering from. Mike didn’t help considering he was the one who brought up the idea when I was still in the hospital. I put my shirt back on, knowing I had no plans of touching that piece of paper.
It felt like the last day of school, waiting for the bell to ring so you could get the hell out of there. I didn’t want to hear anything else from the doctor. It was a huge relief to know that, physically, everything was fine with me, but I was convinced that if I stuck around any longer, the doctor was going to change his mind.
Mike asked if I was okay as I stepped back into the waiting area, and I told him that I just needed food.
After lunch, we decided to do some shopping and just make a day of it in the city. We walked around the mall, picking up some things for ourselves, along with last-minute Christmas presents. After three hours, we decided it was time to look at vehicles.
After driving through four car lots, I finally found exactly what I wanted. Now it was time to deal. Mike loved to watch me get the best deal I could. It would be a long process, so he knew to sit back and watch.
Later that night, Mike made dinner as he did every night, and we talked like we used to. You know the kind of conversations that you take nothing away from, a conversation filled with gossip and poking fun at others. It was great to feel finally normal again, the two of us never ran out of things to talk about.
As I went outside to check on the steaks on the grill, I noticed it was snow
ing. It was beautiful seeing everything covered in a blanket of snow. It gave me a minute to think with absolute silence.
As I lifted the lid to the grill, I heard the phone ring and hoped it wasn’t my dad. He had been calling more than ever, and it was driving me nuts.
Mike popped his head out and said Chuck and a few of his friends were coming over to have a couple drinks down by the fire pit. After he went back inside, I just stood there, admiring how beautiful the snow was. I wished that my life was that quiet and beautiful.
Chuck showed up with about five of his friends, and lots of beer. Dinner was fantastic. Chuck pointed out that if I didn’t have Mike, I would probably starve to death. Cooking had never been my favorite pastime, it takes too long, and creates too much of a mess. I am the one who cleans up after Mike, who seems to use every pot, pan, and dish in the house every time he cooks. I wondered if he did this so that I would have to clean it all up.
Chuck asked about the new SUV sitting in the garage, and Mike told him it was his, just to take the focus off the absence of my truck. He always knew when to speak for me.
The fire pit had become pretty popular around our house. Lots of our friends would go down there, just to sit around and have a couple of beers.
About half an hour in, we had a roaring fire and not a moment too soon, as I was starting to lose feeling in my feet and hands.
I noticed that the number of people had multiplied. There was only one person I wasn’t familiar with. From the way he kept watching me with concern, I had an idea who he was and how much he knew.
Mike quickly introduced me to his friend Mark, with a huge smile on his face.
“Danni, this is Mark. Mark, this is Danni.”
