by L. T. Varner
That is when my brain put it together why Mike had been out all night, and why he had had that ridiculous grin on his face when he returned home this morning. Mark was not the typical guy Mike usually brought home. He was about the same height as Mike, and had a very athletic build to him, sandy blonde short hair, pale blue eyes, with a sweet look to him.
I smiled and said, “Nice to meet you, Mark.”
“Nice to finally meet you, too, Danni. Mike talks about you all the time, mostly good things.”
The look on Mike’s face was hilarious. He looked like he had just put Mark in front of a firing squad, looking around at everyone’s face for approval. I smiled at him and quietly told him to sit by his boyfriend. He just couldn’t quit grinning. It was nice to see him happy.
We sat around the fire, and everyone told stories about the holidays.
The beer seemed to be endless, and I wondered how much our guests had brought with them. I was on my sixth beer and hoped there was a lot more. I knew I was going to feel horrible tomorrow, but I liked the numbness finding me and how it seemed to make it harder to remember things. I asked Mike to pass me another beer and he quietly snapped at me.
“I think you have had enough, Danni.”
“I’m still conscious, so probably not,” I said, glaring at him.
He gave me a dirty look when Chuck handed me another anyway.
Chuck asked me if I was going to the New Year’s Eve party at the bar this weekend. I had been told nothing about it. Normally, I was the one who planned the events at the bar. Mike piped up and explained that he hadn’t told me about it yet because he didn’t want me to worry. I could tell he didn’t plan on telling me, and that he wanted me nowhere near the bar.
At this point, it was getting pretty late, and the party seemed to be winding down. I looked at my watch and saw that it was 1:30 in the morning, but I wasn’t ready to give up the party just yet.
I pulled out my cell and started texting Amber, one of the waitresses from the restaurant who always knew where the party was. She replied that she was just leaving the bar to meet some people, and asked if I wanted to be picked up. I quickly text-messaged her back.
Me: Give me half an hour to get rid of my company. I would love to go
Amber: Awesome!! Be there shortly!
Chuck picked up the shovel, then got a scoop of snow and put it on the fire. It quickly went dark.
I walked back up to the house, clutching Mike’s arm in the darkness.
“Mark and I are going back to his place to watch a movie. You want to come with us?” Mike asked as I noticed Mark slip his hand into Mike’s.
“Really Danni, you should come. It is supposed to be a great movie,” Mark said smiling at me.
“No guys, you go ahead. I am super tired. Maybe some other time,” I responded.
Knowing Mike, he would freak out if he knew who I was going out with. He knew all about Amber’s reputation as well as I did, but I knew what would make me feel better.
As the last of my guests pulled out of the driveway, Amber pulled in. I was starting to sober up. I hated all those thoughts and feelings creeping back in.
“I’ve asked you a hundred times to party with me, but you always tell me ‘no.’ What changed your mind?” she asked as I slid into the passenger seat of her old Camaro.
“I need some excitement in my life.”
“I will provide that for you,” she declared as she pulled a joint out of her purse.
The truth was, Amber hung around with a group of people that made me a bit uneasy. They always came to the bar late, and it never failed that they would start a fight with a patron or bother the staff. Nobody liked waiting on them. They were always willing to spend their money quickly to make sure they had a good time. I was grateful that I was the boss and could, therefore, escape their attention.
I noticed a sweet scent swirling in the car. Somehow I knew that smell, but I couldn’t place it. Amber pulled a deep, long drag off the joint and held her breath for a few seconds before slowly exhaling.
“You want some?” she asked with a cough, holding the joint out to me.
I had never taken part in the drug scene before. My dad threatened me within an inch of my life when I was younger if he ever caught me doing drugs.
“What the hell, let me try,” I said, as I took the joint from her and simply did what she did.
Amber asked, “Have you ever been high before?”
“No,” I answered, and she gasped.
“I figured with your dad being who he is that you would be into this.”
By the time we got to the party, my mind was blank, and my body was numb. I didn’t have a care in the world. We pulled up to a little white house in the middle of nowhere. It was intimidating with the tall trees, high fences, and what looked like cameras all around the property. People were coming and going through a gate, where two guys stopped them on their way in.
I turned to Amber and asked, “Is the party over?”
“No,” she said with a wink.
After parking in a barn, she had a garage door opener for, we walked to the house. People recognized and greeted me in passing with perplexed looks on their faces, and I could tell they were all wondering why I was there.
In the house, the music was loud, and I couldn’t hear her as she kept talking. I just followed behind her, heading to the back of the house. Once again, I smelled the strong, sweet scent that I smelled in the car. Amber pointed toward the keg, and I nodded. She must have known from the look on my face that I was interested in more.
“See that guy on the couch?” she asked, leaning into me. I nodded.
“He will take good care of you. I am going to find my boyfriend, be right back.”
“Danni, sit by me.” I heard a voice coming from the couch and realized it was James, from the gas station.
I hadn’t seen him in a while, but I knew him well. I went to sit by him, knowing he was harmless.
“What’s a good girl like you doing in a place like this?” he asked with a wicked smile.
“Probably the same reason you’re here,” I responded, crossing my legs as I settled in next to him.
He laughed and said, “I doubt that very much, beautiful.”
He lit a joint, took a long drag, and held it out to me. Not a moment too soon, I thought. “I can share with you if you don’t mind staying right here with me.” Without a second thought, I took it and sat back, once again finding my numb place.
I wasn’t dumb. I knew he was aware of my assault, and I took advantage of his pity and stayed put, smoking the joint with him until it was gone. Immediately, I began to feel its effects.
I looked around the living room and was surprised by how many people I recognized, people I never thought would be doing drugs. I saw Bobbi, a local hair stylist, Trudy, from the bank, Tyler, from the car dealership, and Kelley, from the hospital gift shop. It was awkward how everyone didn’t want to talk much, but I was appreciative of it. It seemed that we were all in our way trying to become numb to something.
I sat there, watching people, making meaningless talk with others off and on. I was enjoying feeling nothing and was exactly where I wanted to be.
Amber walked in and motioned me to come with her. I got up and followed her.
Stepping into the backyard, I noticed the bonfire and the continued high fence theme around the yard.
“Danni, this is my boyfriend, Ron,” she said holding onto his arm.
He was tall and well-built, not the most attractive guy, but he appeared to be in control of everything around him. He gave me a dangerous grin as he looked me over from head to toe.
“This is quite the surprise. Amber told me she was bringing a friend to the party, but I would never have guessed it was you,” he said.
“Nice to meet you, Ron. Hope you don’t mind me tagging along.”
He laughed and said, “I hope you tag along more often. I have a feeling you will be an excellent customer.”
It didn�
�t register what he meant for a few minutes, but then I thought to myself, this will not become a regular thing for me.
“Ron, you have a friendly customer!” yelled someone from the house.
He got up and walked inside. I wanted to ask Amber what that was about, but I kept my mouth shut as she passed me a bottle of whiskey. Suddenly, my pocket was vibrating. I pulled out my phone, saw it was Mike calling, and quickly tapped the ignore button. I knew he would be furious if he knew where I was, so I decided I would send a text.
Me: I am at Chuck’s watching a movie. You home?
I hoped he would buy it.
Mike: At 3:45 in the morning?
Wow, time had slipped away from me.
Me: Yes, I’m just going to spend the night.
Mike: I am staying with Mark. I will see you later. Love You ;).
Amber asked me if I wanted to go home and I told her “no”; she looked relieved with my answer. I hadn’t felt so numb in my life, and I wanted to relish every moment of it. We were laughing at stupid little things and everyone around us chimed in with their comments.
One of my favorite newer rock bands, Dark Pieces, came on over the speakers and Amber, and I got up and started dancing, and then others joined in with us. It was easy to close my eyes and just move to the music, getting lost in my world.
After a while, I saw Ron and Amber were dancing slowly. He was starting to take off her clothes, and she seemed completely fine with it. Then, I noticed a lot more people were doing the same thing. Maybe it’s time to go home, I thought. I couldn’t ask Amber for a ride home, apparently. I looked at the door and saw James walking toward me. He looked angry and on a mission as he jogged the final distance to me. He grabbed my arm and said, “We’re leaving right now.”
Suddenly lots of people were leaving at the same time, too. I poked James in the ribs to try and get his attention, but he kept walking with his hand firmly around my good wrist. He appeared to be in a hurry to get us both out of there.
We made our way out to James’ old, single-cab truck. He opened the driver-side door and motioned to me to get in. It was very crowded as three other guys squeezed in through the passenger side.
“That shit was getting intense,” one of the guys stated, looking irritated as James started his truck and we headed back to town.
“It always does when Ron is involved,” another one mumbled, annoyed.
I fell asleep on the ride home and was awakened by James shaking my shoulder.
“Hey, beautiful, you’re home.”
I let him help me out of the truck and to my front door. I was so drowsy and just wanted to go back to sleep.
“Can you make it the rest of the way? If you need me to, I can help you to bed.” He said, grinning at me.
“Thanks, James, but I’m all right,” I replied, putting my key in the lock and opening the door.
He had a worried look on his face, so I had to change what was on his mind.
“You were going to explain why everyone was leaving the party so quickly,” I said, praying for the distraction, but also curious.
“You’re tired; maybe we could go to lunch or something, and I could explain everything then?” He ran his fingers lightly over the scar forming on my forehead.
He was a good-looking man: very tall, with long, messy brown hair that hung over his eyes, which he would often run his hand through, pushing it all back, while showing all the beautiful colorful tattoos over his arms and hands. Looking into his blue eyes that appeared to be filled with pain, I leaned into his hand now touching my cheek.
“Sweet dreams, beautiful girl,” he whispered while he pressed a kiss to my forehead before he turned around and left.
I looked at my clock when I entered my room and was surprised when I saw it was seven a.m. I didn’t even bother taking off my shoes as I fell on my bed and went to sleep.
Chapter 3
Numb & James
Over the next couple of days, Mike repeatedly called to check on me. I assured him I was fine, and he decided to stay at Mark’s again. It was nice not to feel like he was watching my every move to see when I was going to fall apart. After a week of not leaving my house, I thought I would go to the bar and try to get some work done, or maybe try to find James. Thinking back to the numb feeling I had experienced that night at the party, I had an urge to feel that good again.
As I walked into the bar, it appeared that everyone was back to normal. Nobody gave me a second look as I walked to my office. My desk looked like a tornado had gone through it: there were pieces of mail, timecards, and invoices scattered haphazardly all over my desk. I had a feeling I would be there a while as I began to regret my decision to come to work after all.
After I had got everything put in the appropriate place, I started working on payroll. Jackie had been working a lot of overtime, which irritated me, so I went to find her and ask what was going on. Mike and I had agreed early in our business venture that we would run a very tight ship, but it seemed to be quickly sinking. Jackie was waiting on a table, and I told one of the bartenders to send her to my office when she was done.
My mood was changing quickly, and I was pissed that I was suddenly being left out of the bar’s decisions. Who the hell did she think she was? Trying to run my damn bar?! As I walked back toward my office, I continued past it and headed to the storage room. I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and thought to myself, being sober is overrated. I returned to my office and mixed it into a cup of pop I had brought with me, before quickly hiding the whiskey under my desk. Halfway through my drink, the alcohol had warmed my body and taken the edge off. Jackie finally walked in.
“Shut the door and sit down,” I barked at her.
The look on her face was complete panic. I never asked anyone to close the door unless I was firing someone.
“Why are you working sixty hours a week? Who gave you permission?”
“Mike approved my hours. I was just trying to help out so you could rest,” she said with tears filling her eyes.
Sarcastically, I thought, well, isn’t that nice? I hadn’t even been at the bar for an hour, and I was mad as hell!
“You will go back to your forty hours a week and nothing more. Do you understand me?”
“I was just trying to help you out, Danni. I know you have been through a lot.”
Suddenly I was yelling at her. “I don’t need your fucking help. I don’t need anyone’s help. This is my bar, and I will call the shots. If you don’t like it, you can leave.”
“Does Mike know you’re here?” she asked as the tears began to roll down her cheeks.
I yelled louder, standing up from my desk, “Get the fuck out of my bar. You’re done now!”
“You can’t be serious, Danni. I love this place. I work hard, and I know you’re just hurting right now.”
“GET THE FUCK OUT NOW!” I screamed at her as rage began to pour out of me.
She left my office crying, and I shuddered in disgust. I have never been comfortable with that kind of emotion. I knew as soon as she left, she would be on the phone with Mike. I thought this might be a good time to call James and get the hell out of there.
Dammit, it went straight to his voicemail. I wondered if he was at Ron’s house. I gathered up all my stuff so I could finish my work from home. On the way out, I told one of the bartenders that Jackie was no longer allowed in the bar. I headed for the door, but not before grabbing the whiskey that was under my desk.
My phone rang just as I started my truck and prayed it wouldn’t be Mike. Sure enough, it was. I hit the ignore button.
I wondered if I could find Ron’s place by myself although I didn’t even know the address. I was trying to decide if I should go home or just drive around in the country when my phone rang again. This time, it was James; I breathed a sigh of relief. We made small talk for a couple of minutes; I didn’t want him to think I just wanted something from him. I told him my dilemma, not wanting to go home and not wanting to go back to the bar.
He asked me to come pick him up, and I agreed.
I found his address in a nice neighborhood. Pulling into the driveway, I was surprised when he walked to the driver’s side.
“Slide over and let me drive. I know the way to Ron’s better than you do.”
I couldn’t argue with that as I climbed over to the passenger seat. He launched into twenty questions.
“Why haven’t you called me?”
I fired right back, “Why haven’t you called me?”
“I didn’t think I was your type.”
“Oh,” I said hoping he wasn’t getting the wrong idea.
I wondered if this was going to become a problem. He seemed to read my thoughts.
“Relax. We can stick with the friend thing.”
I immediately felt better. I liked him a little more than I thought, wondering where the hell that came from. Mike kept calling me, but I figured that at this point he was beyond pissed at me, so I turned off my phone and just put it in the center console.
“What are you drinking?” he asked as he picked up my cup.
“Soda.”
“I don’t believe you.” He took a swig and then gave me his sexy smile.
As he drove us to Ron’s, we made small talk, and I told him about Jackie. He was quick to mention that I had grown harsher than I used to be, but, he said he understood.
“How are you doing with what happened?” he asked, before pulling over to make another drink. He had, apparently, noticed the whiskey bottle behind my seat.
“The whiskey is helping right now.”
“Sometimes you just need some help forgetting,” he said, handing the cup back to me.
We made small talk about life in general as we passed the cup back and forth. He told me about his parents and the gas station. His dad had Alzheimer’s, and his mom had asked him to help the family. He went on to say that when she called, he had been at a low point and thought it would be an ideal time to do right by them. When moved here with them, he bought the gas station so his dad could still work and lead a normal life. It went fine for about a year until suddenly his mom died of a heart attack and he needed to take care of his dad full-time. I asked if his father was still alive and he mentioned he was in a nursing home, saying they took better care of him than he could. He visited every day, he said, even though his father couldn’t recognize him anymore.
