by L. T. Varner
“I’m asking myself the same question, trust me.”
We sat at the table and talked a little more about the evening, and I told him about the conversation I had with myself while I was in the bathroom.
“I’ve wondered how you felt about the whole dating thing, as well.” Very bluntly he asked, “Have you and James slept together?”
“God, no!” I fired back at him with nervousness. After taking a deep breath, I calmly said, “Okay, we may have kissed a little. But I got sick before it went any further. I know it’s stupid, but every time I think or feel anything sexual, I just freak out. I am such a mess.”
He put his hand on my arm. “Honey, you aren’t a mess! The situation is a mess. How do you feel about James? I mean, is he someone you want to love?”
“I have no idea,” I grumbled, looking down at my hands as they played with the salt shaker on the kitchen counter.
He repeated what Jackie had told him about James liking both Amber and me, and then said, “Jackie said if Amber is available, she is usually his first choice.”
That comment stung a little bit, but I knew he was right.
“Is Ron out of jail yet?” I asked, looking at Mike’s hands as he pushed around the pepper shaker.
“Why do you want to know?” He was suddenly more serious. I shrugged my shoulders as he continued. “Jackie informed me that James will probably start coming around again when Ron is out of jail.”
I headed for the stairs to go to my room feeling the pain that even James preferred someone that wasn’t as defective as me.
Mike continued, and I stopped on the third stair but didn’t turn around.
“Danni, I won’t lie to you. I think James is nothing but trouble. And we know about the drugs he has access to that you think make you feel better. I can’t stop you from seeing him, but I pray that you come to your senses and stay away from him before you end up in jail or dead from an overdose. We all love you very much, but Danni, please, start helping yourself and talk to someone. I can’t lose my best friend.”
I knew he was right about the whole situation. I kept my back to him and slowly nodded that I heard him. But still I craved the numbness James was able to give me.
“Goodnight, Mike,” I said quietly before walking up the stairs to my room.
Chapter 8
Door Jamb
I put in extra time getting ready the next morning. After half an hour of looking for my favorite pair of jeans, I found them in the “donate” pile I had started last week out of boredom. Pulling them on, I looked in my closet and decided on a black button-up shirt. I usually wore my shirts unbuttoned enough so one could see my bra underneath if I even bothered to put one on. That was the only benefit of being an A-cup, I suppose. I usually chose to forgo bras altogether for comfort’s sake. Now that I thought about it, maybe I did dress to get a little attention without even realizing it. I sat on the bed feeling slightly sick as I again heard that menacing voice in my head:
“You wanted this to happen. I am happy to give you what you want.”
So far I hadn’t told the investigators or anyone else the little pieces that were coming back to me about that night. The taunting voices and sudden visions in my head were what my nightmares were made of lately.
Was it true? Did I want it to happen? Was it my fault after all? I quickly threw the black shirt in the trash, feeling all my anger surfacing once again. I was instantly pissed off at myself and wanted nothing more than to make all the feelings stop. At that exact moment, I remembered that James had put something in my back pocket the night of the street dance. I had an idea of what it was and frantically started tearing my closet apart. I found the jeans I had on that night at the bottom of my laundry basket but stopped myself before going any further. Maybe I should check and see if I had the house to myself first. If Mike were home, he would freak out knowing what I was holding in my hand.
I checked the house and was alone. I found myself locking the doors and closing the blinds. It was mid-morning, and I was already considering getting high. This couldn’t be a good thing. It would lead me down the same path I had been on a couple of months ago, but I started planning how to get out of my obligations that day anyway.
Whatever drugs James had given me wouldn’t last long enough, and I had to get more. It had been so long since I had taken any of the painkillers from the attack, but right now, they were all I could think about.
I had to find out if Ron was out of jail yet. If he was, I was sure I could talk James into getting me more. All I had to do was text James and wait. After thirty minutes with no response to my “hi” message, I knew he was probably with Amber.
Feeling desperate, I sent Amber a text, and sure enough, she responded almost instantly.
Amber: James and I are just getting up. We could meet you later at Ron’s if that works?
Not wanting anything to do with the two of them together, I threw on a red shirt with my black leather jacket. I pulled my hair up in a bun in the back of my red baseball cap. I didn’t care how I looked at this point. I just needed to get numb and be alone. On the way out of the house, I grabbed the bottle of whiskey that was almost empty, using it to wash down my three painkillers. I knew I needed to stop at the bar and at least drop-off payroll so they wouldn’t bug me all day about it. I could grab a bottle of whiskey while I was there, as well.
When I got to the bar, the painkillers were slowly taking effect, and I could feel myself getting more and more relaxed. Mike was there, so I put on my “happy face” and tried to act like everything was great. After giving Jackie payroll to hand out, I walked into my office. Turning my cell off, I placed it in the top drawer of my desk. I knew Mike had installed a tracking app on my phone, and I wasn’t going to let him ruin what I had planned for today, the less he knew, the better. I decided to wait and grab some whiskey at the liquor store so he wouldn’t see me with it. On the way out, he stopped me by the door.
“You excited to see Collin later?” he asked, a little too eager.
I had forgotten about that but decided to play along. I nodded.
“Why are you wearing the baseball cap then?” he asked, trying to reach for the hat as I pulled back from him.
“I’m just having a bad hair day,” I said, reaching out to block his hand from my hat.
He laughed and said, “I don’t think you could have a bad hair day if you tried. Besides, even if you did, I think you’re still pretty.”
The compliment at that moment meant nothing to me, but I smiled big and fake, and said, “I have some errands to run so that I can catch up with you later.”
He smiled and said, “I can’t wait. You do remember that Mark will be joining us for dinner, right?”
I was already out the door when I heard that and, quite frankly, didn’t care. I just wanted to punish myself for what I had caused.
After leaving the bar, I headed straight to the liquor store. Grabbing the expensive bottle of whiskey, I quickly snatched up a bottle of pop to give the cashier the illusion I wasn’t a drunk or something. Walking out, I found myself going numb and hazy. It was a very welcome feeling I needed to make last. I threw the pop in a nearby dumpster, then jumped into the driver’s seat and opened the bottle. Taking a long chug, I instantly felt the burn down my throat and closed my eyes.
I drove by James’ house out of curiosity. Amber’s car was in his driveway. I thought to myself, at least he put my car in the garage, maybe I had one up on her. But, why do I care? I turned down a dirt road to get out of town before anyone saw me. Not paying much attention to the road, I found the Dark Pieces CD in my center console. Mike must have put it in there. I pushed the button to lower the window and threw out the CD, rolling my eyes at the thought of listening to Collin. I drove around for a while drinking, as the numbness began taking over, to the point where I didn’t even care if Collin or James liked me. At this stage, nothing mattered, except staying numb.
The sun was setting, and I needed someth
ing more to make everything go away completely. Looking around, the scenery started becoming familiar. If I were right, around the corner I would find Ron’s house. Seeing the tall fence surrounding his place, I thought to myself; this is perfect. It was only eight o’clock, and there were already ten cars there. Ron must be out of jail, so where was Amber’s car? I found myself with absolutely no fear as I parked and walked right up to the house. Usually, we just walked in, this time, the door was locked. I rang the bell and some guy I had never seen answered the door.
“What the hell do you want?” he asked, not opening the door more than an inch.
“I want to see Ron, you little fucker,” I snapped at him with all kinds of new bravery.
He laughed, “You’re Danni, right?” I nodded, and he shut the door in my face.
What the hell? I thought, wondering if I should ring the bell again. The allure of more painkillers kept me standing on that porch for five more minutes until the door finally opened and the guy said, “Come in. Ron is in the backyard waiting for you.”
Walking to the back, I noticed a lot of people there. I wasn’t dumb. I knew what they were there for, and I bet it was the same thing I was after. I stepped out into the backyard.
Ron was standing there as though he had been waiting for me: “I’m glad to see you, Danni.”
“Hey, Ron, I hope you’re out of trouble,” I said, keeping a little distance between the two of us.
“Have you seen James lately?” he asked, studying me carefully.
“It isn’t my day to watch him.”
He laughed even though I was clearly not joking.
“You talk to Amber lately?” he asked, a little more serious this time.
“Yes, she said she would meet me here, but I don’t see her.”
“Just wait, she’ll be back, and you’ll get your little James back, too.”
We both seemed to be angry at them, but for two entirely different reasons.
“Why are ya here, Danni?” he asked, looking me up and down.
“You probably know why already.”
“What do you want?” he asked, leaning against the wall.
“I need something to take the edge off for a while.”
He motioned me to follow him, and I didn’t hesitate. I trailed him into the room he usually reserved for his “friendly customers” and he shut the door behind us.
“You want what James usually gets?” he asked as he opened a cabinet.
“No, I need something stronger this time.”
He smiled and said, “I thought James was holding you back.”
I was so not in the mood to talk, and he was starting to catch on at that point. I looked at what he was pointing at, wondering what the hell I was doing. It was a bag of little white pills.
“Is that painkillers?” I asked. He stepped closer to me and shook his head, more annoyed by my questioning.
“Once you try it, the name won’t matter, but a couple of pills go a long way, remember that. And, just for you, I will let you have it for a couple hundred.”
Crap, I hadn’t planned this very well, I thought, realizing I didn’t have any cash on me. At the same time, Ron seemed to realize my dilemma.
“I know you are more than good for it, but I don’t extend credit to many people, so don’t fuck me over . . . or you could pay another way,” he said, looking me up and down.
He could tell by the look on my face that I would pay him later. He opened the door and said, “One week, Danni. It is always a pleasure to see you.”
I tucked the bag of whatever into my pocket and nodded as I started to walk out the door. Turning the corner, I almost walked right into James. My anger hit a new high as I saw Amber standing right behind him while they held hands. I tried to push past him as he reached out his free hand to stop me.
“I just want to talk for a minute. Please, Danni, don’t do anything stupid. What did he give you?” he asked quietly as I felt Ron move closer behind me.
I yelled in front of everybody as I glared at him and Amber:
“You seem to have everything you need at the moment; so don’t worry about what I do!” I shoved him away.
He just looked at me, dumbfounded, all the while keeping hold of Amber’s hand. As I turned to walk out, I tripped over his foot. I fell forward, hitting my face on the door jamb before I could right myself. It took a moment to register what had happened before I felt the pain starting to throb around my eye. I continued forward and walked out.
I got into my SUV, wanting to get the hell out of there before anyone stopped me. I turned down the opposite road I came in on and took off, wheels spinning. Grabbing the bottle of whiskey from the passenger seat, I took a long drink to help calm my nerves.
After driving and drinking for a half an hour, I found a little turn-off that seemed to go nowhere, and I pulled in there. Shutting the engine off, I decided it was time to get serious and pulled the bag from my pocket. I set it on the console and looked down after feeling something run down my face. Blood dripped onto my jeans, and I realized I must have cut my forehead when I fell. Great, I thought, what else could go wrong? I remembered James standing there holding hands with Amber and quickly put the image out of my head, only for it to be replaced by the voice of my rapist saying, “You want it.” It was all I could take. I snapped at that very moment, grabbed the bag and whiskey, and got out of the car.
After climbing on my hood, I took two pills and washed it down with the whiskey. I knew I had done it right within ten minutes, as the calming feeling began spreading throughout my body. I felt a new level of numbness as I fell back against the windshield.
I sat there looking at the stars and resolved this was the perfect way to go. Just looking at the stars and feeling numb, I decided it couldn’t get any better than this. It became hard to pinpoint any one thought as I drifted along in numbness. With the bottle of whiskey between my legs and the pills on the hood, I decided it was a perfect evening. It was unbelievable how calm I felt. Nobody around to yell at me for the decisions I was making or not making. I knew at some point I would have to return to reality, but for now, being numb from head to toe, sitting on the hood of my SUV in the middle of nowhere, and staring at the stars. It seemed like the best idea I had ever had.
I jerked awake feeling myself falling. I landed with a thud on the cold ground and was instantly fully awake. Damn, that hurt, I moaned, fully feeling that the numbness had worn off. The sun was already overhead, and I felt the heat radiating on me. I pulled myself up and climbed into the driver’s seat. I hid my leftover drugs in a locked compartment in the center console so no one would find it, then I threw out the whiskey bottle and realized I had consumed the whole bottle in a little less than a day. It probably wasn’t a good idea, but I didn’t care.
I pulled the rearview mirror down so I could see how bad I looked and if I could try to make myself presentable. I gasped at my reflection, realizing I was in worse shape than I thought. I had a nasty black eye that was very swollen, along with a gash above my eyebrow that probably needed stitches, it was still bleeding a little bit. I sat there deciding if a bandage would be enough to stop the bleeding, basically trying to figure a way out of going to the hospital. It became apparent that I had to go and get stitched up as the gash oozed more.
I drove to town trying to come up with a plausible lie for what happened. I decided to go with the “I don’t know” approach and leave it at that. I knew Mark would be off work by now, so I wouldn’t have to see him either. I circled the hospital parking lot just to make sure his car wasn’t there before I parked.
I knew I had to quit doing crap like this and start owning my problems, but I also knew it was out of my reach right now. Walking into the emergency room, I kept my baseball cap pulled low and put my sunglasses on, hoping I could lay low and not be noticed.
The receptionist gave me a steely nod before she asked the obvious question: “What do you need to be seen for today?”
“I need
a couple of stitches in my forehead, I think.” I glared right back at her under my sunglasses. I couldn’t help it; I am a bitch when I’m uncomfortable. Mike and Dad had told me that millions of times.
She took my information without another snippy comment and told me to have a seat and wait to be called. There were plenty of people who looked in far worse shape than me, so I sat down among them and waited an hour before my name was called.
“Good thing I didn’t bleed to death,” I snapped in a very sarcastic tone as I walked past a nurse holding the door open.
The nurse smiled and pointed down the hall to a room labeled, Procedure Room. I went into the very sterile white room before the strong odor hit my nose and I coughed.
“Sit on the bed and take off your hat and sunglasses, then lie back so I can have a look,” she said, a little too cheerfully.
I placed my stuff down and lay back on the exam table.
“WOW, what happened to you?”
I casually responded, “I’m not exactly sure.”
I knew she could hear the sarcasm in my voice. She looked at my forehead before mentioning it would take around six stitches. She then started cleaning out the cut.
The doctor walked in the room twenty minutes later. If you could call him a doctor. He looked like a teenager. I groaned, this could be interesting. He looked at my eye and the cut, and before he asked what happened, I gave him the same answer I had given the nurse. She was catching on now and knew I wasn’t going to tell them anything.
The doctor starting numbing around the cut with tiny pokes of the needle he held in his latex-covered hands. The effects of last night had not entirely worn off. I was still relaxed and not in pain. He let it set for a couple of minutes before he put seven stitches in and directed me to come back in ten days to have them removed.
“You are going to be uncomfortable for a couple of days. Do you need something for the pain?” he asked, pulling off his gloves.
