Heart Full of Love

by Colleen Coble

  “I think you need to. Katie is not your sister, you know. She may look like her, but she’s her own little person. If you hope to find your sister again through her, you’re making a big mistake. One that could hurt you and her terribly.”

  “I thought you were just a poorly paid foster mother. Since when did you get a psychology degree?”

  Eden’s face clouded, and he felt a shaft of shame. “I’m sorry, I had no right to say that,” he said. He took a deep breath. “I suppose you’re right. I should talk about it, but it just hurts.”

  Eden’s green eyes softened. “You need a friend. I’m a pretty good listener.”

  She’d certainly been a good friend to his niece, a friend and a mother. Maybe he needed to talk about it. It couldn’t be any worse than turning it over and over in his mind.

  “I couldn’t protect her,” he said. “I tried when we were kids, but I was too little to stop him.”

  The color faded from Eden’s cheeks. She looked older, filled with care and weariness. Josh knew she’d heard this same story many times in her profession. Shame tied his tongue, but he pressed on. “To the outside world, we looked the perfect family. Mom, Dad, nice house in the suburbs. Then he came to live with us.”

  Eden’s eyes widened, and he knew she’d thought it was one of his parents who’d hurt Mandy. He rushed on, incapable of stopping now.

  “Our uncle. He came back from Vietnam with bitterness that crouched on his shoulders like some vulture. He was always after Mandy to go places with him. At first she was happy to do it. She remembered the Uncle John who’d gone away to war, the lighthearted, laughing uncle who brought us candy and presents.”

  He drew a breath and wished he could stop, wished he could erase the shameful knowledge of his own failure. Though Eden was silent, he could sense the waves of compassion flowing from her. He wanted to take her hand but was afraid he’d crush it as he told the rest of the story.

  “I came home from school one day. The house was quiet. Mother and Dad were both at work. I called out, but no one answered. I poured a glass of milk and grabbed a handful of cookies, then went upstairs. I heard a noise, a cry maybe. I pushed open Mandy’s door. Uncle John was there with Mandy. He had her by the arm. She was crying. I shouted at him to leave her alone. He dragged her out the door past me. The whole time she was begging me to help her, to save her. I ran after them and tried to pull Mandy from his grasp, but I was only twelve, she was ten. Two little kids fighting some kind of demon that never let loose. He shoved her in the car and took off with the tires squealing. I ran back inside and called my mom. She came right home, but it was three days before we found Mandy. She called us after Uncle John took a bottle of pills and was dead. We drove to Missouri to get her, and she wasn’t the same little girl who’d left. She was never the same again. And it was my fault.”

  A crushing weariness weighed him down. “And now she’s dead. All I have left of her is Katie. Only Katie.”

  He started at the light touch of Eden’s fingers on his. She took his hand and pressed it. He raised his eyes, and his gaze locked with hers.

  “It’s not your fault, Josh. You were a child, there’s nothing you could have done.”

  “I should have saved her. Dad had a gun in his room. I could have gotten it or hit him with something.” He raked a hand through his hair.

  “Samantha’s mom shoved her out of the bathroom, then slit her wrists and climbed in a tub of hot water and bled to death. Could she have stopped her?” She sighed, and the sound was filled with tender compassion. “Adults do terrible things sometimes, Josh. We don’t know why God allows children to be hurt by their actions. It’s one of the things I struggle with most. But I know this one thing. Though we suffer sometimes, God can use it to make us stronger.”

  “It didn’t make Mandy stronger. She destroyed herself trying to erase the memories.”

  “But we have to let God make the difference. I could have wallowed in what happened to my family, but instead I chose to try to make some small difference in the lives of other children who suffer as I did. God made that difference. He could have made that difference in Mandy’s life if she would have let Him.”

  “I wrote her once about trying to let go of the past, and she never answered.”

  “It’s never easy. I went through a period of blaming God for my misfortune, too. But Mandy would have gotten back on her feet and forged through this. You have to believe that, Josh.”

  Exhaustion slowed his muscles, and he nodded. “In my heart, I do believe that.” If only she’d lived. But all the regrets in the world wouldn’t change what was finished.

  “But God left Katie motherless.”

  “She’s not motherless. She has me,” Eden said. “And she always will.”

  Maybe he should tell her now he still intended to take Katie. He regretted the pain it would cause her, but he needed Katie. She would have to see that sooner or later. She was his lifeline.

  Chapter 7

  Eden glanced at Josh, and the veiled look of pain in his eyes made her want to take him in her arms and kiss away his hurts the way she might with Cory. The thought surprised her. He was an adult, but he still carried the scars of his childhood. The same way she carried them. No wonder he had wanted Katie so badly.

  She could tell by the stiffness in his shoulders that he had erected his wall of defenses again, and she felt inadequate to scale it. She glanced at her watch. Nine-thirty. Such momentous revelations in only half an hour.

  “Let’s check the E-mail again, then I’ll head back to my hotel.” He took his laptop from the coffee table and clicked the Send And Receive button. Nothing.

  Eden’s keen sense of disappointment surprised her. This wouldn’t happen overnight. And she’d waited this long to find them, what was a few more weeks or months? At least she was doing something about it now. Thanks to Josh.

  He switched off the computer and stood. “Thanks for the great evening. Could I take you and the kids to dinner tomorrow? Just so you don’t have to cook for me again?”

  His teasing grin did funny things to her breathing. “Would you like to come to church with us in the morning?”

  He grinned. “I was hoping you would invite me and I wouldn’t have to invite myself.”

  Eden laughed. “You want to follow us or ride in the kid-mobile?”

  He hesitated, and she laughed again. “Such a decision. Peace and solitude or sticky fingers and chattering voices.”

  He chuckled. “I’ll take the sticky fingers and chattering voices. Peace and solitude sound boring. What time do we leave?”

  “Nine-ten. Sunday school starts at nine-thirty, and our church is in the country about ten minutes away. It takes me a few minutes to get them all to their classes and Katie to the nursery.”

  “I’ll bring donuts at eight and help you get them ready.”

  The shock of pleasure that went through her at his words brought her up short. Did he have any idea what a treat that would be for the children? There was rarely enough money for such an extravagance.

  And she was enjoying his presence way too much. She needed to keep in mind that he would be leaving soon. He would soon tire of commotion and the small, daily trials of children. One day soon he would go back to his real life. She didn’t want to be nursing a broken heart when he did. But, oh, how good it felt to have someone to share all this with, someone who thought of what the children needed besides her. She allowed herself to bask in the pleasure of it for a moment.

  She shut the door behind him, took the remains of the popcorn and empty glasses to the kitchen, then turned off the lights and went to bed. Tomorrow she would try to remember this sharing of their lives was temporary, a chasing after the wind. Her life was here with these children who needed her so badly. His life was oil fields and the hectic world of business. Too different to ever meld.

  In spite of her resolve, Eden saw her own flushed cheeks in the mirror the next morning and shook her head. The thought of spendin
g the day with Josh had given her a glow anyone but an idiot would recognize. She took extra care with her makeup, then dressed in a grass green suit that slimmed her hips. Not that mere clothing would hide those extra pounds she couldn’t seem to lose. She swept her hair on top of her head and let the curls fall in disarray.

  Standing in front of the full-length mirror, she nearly groaned. She looked like a green sausage with a blond topknot. Josh could have his pick of glamorous women— real beauties who knew how to flirt and hold a man’s interest. He would never be interested in a homebody like Eden who looked like she’d made too many cookies. But making them wasn’t the problem, it was eating them.

  The children were stirring. She turned from the mirror. Her appearance would just have to do. Josh wasn’t interested in her anyway, so she could just quit obsessing. Eden changed Katie’s and Braden’s diapers, then got the older children dressed for church. Samantha brightened when she heard Josh was going with them, but Cory cowered. She wished she knew how to break through his fear of men.

  The doorbell rang, and her heart jumped. She hustled down the stairs with Katie under one arm and Braden under the other and opened the door.

  “We got another message!” Josh stepped inside with a white box of donuts in one hand and his computer in the other. He strode past her into the living room. Setting the box of donuts on the coffee table, he turned and enveloped her in a hug.

  All thought left Eden’s head at the feel of his strong arms around her. For the first time since she was a child, she felt safe and protected. She wanted to burrow against his chest and savor the sensation. But she felt him stiffen and realized what he would think. She pulled away hastily.

  He dug in his pocket and pulled out a scrap of paper. “Here’s the phone number and address. But rather than call, why don’t we just go there?”

  “To Kentucky? What if it’s the wrong people?”

  “They’re the right ones, don’t you feel it, Eden? When he sees you, he might recognize you. I have a feeling you haven’t changed much since you were eight. You’re not hardly bigger than a minute now.”

  Eden nearly choked, but she wasn’t about to argue with him. Maybe he hadn’t noticed her generous proportions, and she wasn’t about to point them out. But Kentucky!

  “I looked on the map; Covington is on the east side of Cincinnati. That’s only three hours from here. We could leave after church, stop for lunch, then head to Covington. We could be there by four at the latest. I’ll buy the gas.”

  “We may get back late. And I can’t take my foster children out of state without permission.”

  “Can you get someone to watch them?”

  She bit her lip and gazed into Josh’s intent eyes. “Are you sure you want to go to the bother? What if he’s not there?”

  “He’s a preacher. He’ll be around on Sunday.”

  “All right, then, if you’re sure. I’ll see if Rick and Belinda can come. They’ve done it for me before.”

  “We can take Katie, right?”

  She nodded. “Why are you doing this?” Eden asked Josh. “I really appreciate it, but it really isn’t your concern.”

  He averted his eyes, and a flush stained his cheeks. Could he possibly be coming to care for her? She couldn’t imagine any other reason for his reaction. She warned herself not to jump to conclusions, but it was hard to squelch the thrill of hope that lightened her heart.

  “Take some clothes to change into for you and Katie. You pack, and I’ll feed the kids their breakfast. It’ll be a fun day.” He took Katie and Braden from her arms and strode toward the kitchen.

  Eden blew her bangs out of her eyes, then went to pack a change of clothes. Josh was a take-charge kind of guy. She supposed it was from being in command of others in his job. It was a nice change to let someone else have that role.

  By the time she got downstairs with a satchel of clothing, Josh was washing faces and clearing away the breakfast things. Even Cory had eaten, though he watched Josh with a wary gaze as the man moved around the kitchen. Still, Eden thought he might be beginning to thaw.

  “If you dress Braden, I’ll dress Katie.” Josh didn’t wait for an answer but handed Braden to her and headed toward the stairs.

  Eden followed with Braden in her arms and a frown on her face. She was beginning to dislike the way he took control of Katie. The adoption was final, but maybe Josh was still unwilling to accept that. She shook her head. She was overreacting. He would naturally want to spend time with Katie; after all, she was his niece. And there was nothing he could do to change the situation.

  She dressed Braden in a navy-and-red sailor suit and combed his hair. He kept snatching at strands of her hair that fell forward, and she knew she looked a mess by the time he was ready. She checked on the other children, but they were all ready.

  Pushing open the door to Katie’s room, she found Josh struggling to comb Katie’s hair. She hated to have her hair combed and was trying to escape. The bow he’d managed to get in her blond curls was lopsided and barely hanging on.

  Eden chuckled and handed Braden to him. Josh watched while she gave Katie a toy, then took out the bow and repositioned it.

  “I’m new at this girl stuff,” he said.

  Though he laughed, Eden thought she detected a note of chagrin in his voice. “We’d better go,” she told him.

  He nodded, then scooped up Katie and carried both children to the entry. She and Josh popped the children into their jackets and went to the minivan. A twelve-year-old model, it was the best Eden could afford. Though the paint was faded and rust showed through in spots, the engine was sound, and it got her and the children safely where they needed to go. And the stains from their sticky fingers didn’t matter so much on the worn upholstery.

  At New Life Church she waved to her friend Tatiana, then got the kids to class. Tatiana’s husband, Gabe, took charge of Josh for her and led him off to the Life-builders class. She knew the class would make him welcome. Though Gabe and Tatiana Salinger were newlyweds, they were the ambassadors of the group. Tatiana had come from Russia to marry Gabe, and she was always conscious of making newcomers feel welcome.

  Eden found Belinda in the nursery, and she readily agreed to come to the house to watch the foster children. Her daughter Andi was Amelia’s age, and the girls were best friends. Eden was in such a flurry of excitement, she found it hard to concentrate on the lesson. Today she might find her brother and sisters. The thought made her giddy. She wanted to hug the knowledge close. She prayed all through church for God to give her the strength to face what she might find in Kentucky. Good or bad.

  Chapter 8

  “You want to drive?” Eden asked Josh. She’d changed into jeans and a sweatshirt, then changed Katie’s diaper and dressed her in pants as well. Josh had also changed into jeans. His hair was a bit rumpled, and his eyes sparkled with excitement and adventure.

  “Sure.” He took the keys from her outstretched hand. “Actually, I wondered if we ought to stop by and get my SUV. You think this old rattletrap will make the trip?”

  “It hasn’t failed me yet. What’s the matter? You too good to be seen in this old tank?” She grinned to show she was joking, but his answer mattered more than she was willing to admit to herself.

  “If you’d seen what I drove for five years, you wouldn’t ask that. This is a rental. I drove a twenty-year-old Range Rover in Saudi Arabia with no bumpers and practically no paint. This is a luxury vehicle compared to it.” He took Katie from her and buckled her into the seat belt.

  Eden felt a rising sense of excitement. For too long she had followed the same schedule day after day, month after month, year after year. She was in a rut, and it felt good to break out, to smell the fresh air, to see something beyond the city limits of Wabash, Indiana. She clambered into the front passenger seat and fastened her seat belt.

  Josh pulled into a fast-food drive-up lane and got them all a sandwich and fries. He glanced at Eden’s face and grinned. “I’m too excited to
eat here. I don’t normally eat while I’m driving, but today I’ll make an exception. It looks like you’d strangle me if I suggested a delay.”

  Eden’s cheeks burned. “Does it show that much?”

  “You just look like a kid on her birthday. And I have to admit I kind of feel like that myself. When is your birthday, anyway?”

  “December fourth.”

  “Dare I ask how old you’ll be?”

  “A gentleman never asks a lady her age,” she said primly.

  “You look like you’re about twelve with the way your eyes are shining.” He pulled onto the highway and took a bite of his hamburger.

  “My foster parents always forgot my birthday,” she said. “I try to make birthdays special for my foster kids because of it. It’s sad to think no one cares if you are alive or not. At least that’s the way it always seemed to me.” She looked down at her hands. “I want my foster kids to always know I consider them a special gift from God.”

  “You said you were eight when your mother died. Surely your parents celebrated your birthday. Do you remember much about them?”

  “Oh, yes. Some things are fuzzy, but I remember one birthday I got a red wagon. I think Daddy might have found it in the junkyard, but he’d painted it and tightened all the wheels. I thought it was wonderful. A brand-new wagon wouldn’t have meant as much as knowing the love that went into all his work. When he pulled me down the sidewalk in it, I felt like a princess. My daddy’s princess.” The remembered pain of her loss tightened her throat, and she struggled not to cry. “We didn’t have much money, but we were happy. Mama was always smiling and cheerful, no matter what. We played games in the evenings, and she always read us a story before bed. I remember baking cookies and her teaching me how to crochet. Lots of memories.” The sting of tears in the back of her throat stopped further speech.

  Josh reached across the seat and squeezed her hand. “We’ll find them again, Eden.”

  “I’m afraid to hope,” she admitted. “After all these years, it seems almost impossible to track them down.”