by Amelia E. S.
“Yep, olive oil pesto.” I say.
Hayes takes his fork, grabs a cherry tomato from my plate, smears it in the pesto, and eats it. I watch him silently. Everyone’s quiet again. They watch Hayes, I bite my lip.
“I like cherries.” He jokes.
He chews in Rochelle’s ear, she pushes him. She laughs aloud.
I look away from Hayes and Rochelle when they kiss. Jeff holds my hand, he’s looking at me.
“What did you get?” I smile.
“A salad.” He smiles back.
Jeff starts to rub my bare thigh. My face beats. Hayes’s foot hits mine under the table.
I look at them kiss again, then back at my salad. I bite down on a lemon.
Its bitter taste burns my lips, and my coffee burned tongued. I lick my bitter lips, when Jeff goes higher up my thigh.
I can feel both Rochelle and Hayes’s eyes on us. I hold Jeff’s hand under the table, to stop him from going any higher.
I look up at Hayes. He’s not looking at me anymore.
Jeff excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. It’s now just the three of us.
“Did you guys have sex at the party, or something? He’s like, totally glued to you.” She laughs.
I drink more water, my gulps fill the quiet restaurant.
“Did you have sex last night?!” She pries.
I get too shy to talk about it. Hayes is staring at me now, not saying anything. I scrunch my hair.
“What did you get?” I ask Hayes.
He ignores me and starts to trace circles on my glass cup instead.
The waitress brings in a pizza. I tense and look at Hayes, he’s smiling at me.
He loves pizza, I hate it. I loved it once though.
The smell brought back memories, sad memories, bad ones. Hayes grabs a slice, it’s still piping hot.
I can feel the heat from here.
I watch Hayes put the slice on his plate, he looks at me. I look away, upset. I hold my stomach, too sensitive to look at anyone now. I stare at my salad. I’m sad now. I play with the stiff spinach, when I hear Rochelle laughing.
I can feel her wet shoes touch my bare shins under the table. She’s doing something, to Hayes.
I drop my fork.
He’s looking at me now, he’s mad. I’m about to cry, because the room is getting smaller, and I’m starting to overthink past memories.
Rochelle starts to kiss Hayes’s neck; her hands are still under the table. My eyes start to water, I bite down on my lip, and pick my nails. I’m trying to stop the tears.
Hayes’s voice is soft, he’s hurt. He grabs Rochelle’s hands, and tells her to stop. He gets up from the table and goes to the bathroom. I watch him.
It’s just Rochelle and me. She’s quiet now, she’s sad. I want to say something, but my voice is heavy, and sore. I knew if I tried to say anything, I’d cry. So, I stay silent.
“He’s so uptight lately.” She says.
“Why?” Is all I can get out.
“I think it’s Kakalina.” She mumbles.
She gets up from the table and goes into the same bathroom as Hayes.
Kakalina
Jeff comes back to the table, he looks dewy.
“I’m not hungry.” Jeff says.
“Me neither.” I say.
“Are you okay?” I ask him.
“I think I’m sick.” He says.
Why aren’t you eating?” He asks.
“I think I’m sick too.” I say.
The guilt made me sick, the lies made me feel sick. The habit I thought I had under control, makes me too sick to eat anything.
I fucking hate pizza.
The restaurant starts to play music, when the blowing fans, stop. The music is lighter than the mood before, not much, but better than the silence. Even though the sky was getting darker, the mood was getting lighter. The gloom was almost gone, and the aromas are heavy again.
They finally turn on lights, when more people start to come in.
My eyes are glued to the bathroom still. I can only think of Rochelle and Hayes. They weren’t in the bathroom long, but it felt long to me. It made me sick.
The waiter takes both Jeff’s and my un-touched salad away. Jeff’s holding my hand under the table, he’s leaned against me. He’s tired.
I keep watching the bathroom.
Finally, it swings open, and Hayes comes out. His face is red, he keeps moving his hair.
I sit up, waking Jeff. I haven’t seen him this mad since Rochelle’s house, when I accused him of cheating.
He ignores me when I call him. He leaves the restaurant. Rochelle comes from the bathroom and sits back down at the table. She picks at Hayes’s pizza in silence.
She’s trying to hide the fact, that she was crying.
I look at her, a sleepy Jeff, then at Hayes, who’s outside.
I get up and go outside.
“Hayes! What’s going on? What did you do to Rochelle?” I ask him.
He’s touching his hair, trying to smile.
“I just wasn’t feeling it today Alex. Go back inside.” He says.
He looks so hurt I want to cry for him. I want to hug him too, but I can see Rochelle through the window, Hayes looks at Rochelle and gets more uptight.
“Seriously Alex, leave me alone, alright?!” He says.
“You’ve been acting weird all day? You don’t get to avoid this?” I say.
“Oh, just me? You cry in my arms this morning, then ignore me all day. You hug me, but I can’t hug you back, or even talk to you.” He says.
“That’s different.” I mumble.
“You can’t drive Hayes, you’ve been drinking. I’ll drive you home.” I say.
I grab the keys from his hand.
“Why do you care?” He asks.
I try to hold his hand, but he steps back.
“What the fuck is going on with you?!? Is it Kakalina?” I ask. He laughs.
“Of course, Rochelle told you. You two tell each other everything, huh?” He asks.
“Does she know about us?” He asks.
“Of course not. Another one of your secrets, huh?” He says.
A cab pulls into the restaurant parking lot. Hayes gets inside, and it drives off.
I fiddle his keys in my hand and wipe my eyes before I go back inside.
“Ready to go?” I ask.
Rochelle is standing by the door, Jeff is still asleep in the booth.
Its All My Fault
A couple of weeks passed, spring break was coming up. It gets bad for the Richards and Bartley’s around this time. Not that I will be seeing the Bartley’s any time soon.
After the restaurant date, everyone was distant. Rochelle wasn’t responding to my texts. Hayes was MIA, all around. Jeff was still sick.
I now stay cooped in my room, avoiding too much. The weather put me in another state, it felt like it encouraged me to feel blue, grey, mute, and sad.
The lies, secrets, and memories flood my mind so much, I feel too guilty to even go downstairs. I know that if I do, I’ll see her bedroom. I know it’ll make me cry.
I just got out of the shower, water from my hair drips on my toes. I stand in the upstairs hallway, wrapped in a towel.
“Jake bring me the ice cream!” I shout.
One of the only reasons I come out of my room.
“We’re out. You ate it all, pig.” I can hear his laugh from the kitchen. At least he was happier than me.
I go back into my room. I drop my towel and see the habit start to consume me, again.
Ice cream helped, all I needed was ice cream.
I brush my wet hair, put on sweat pants, and an oversized hoodie to keep me warm.
I tug my hair behind my head to stop the water from dripping onto my pants. The water soaks my grey hoodie.
I tip toe downstairs for the first time in a while. My bare feet touch the cold tiles, when I reach the kitchen. They send chills down my spine.
Jake’s there in the kitche
n, he’s dressed enough for me to know, that he was going out tonight.
I open the freezer and see we’re all out of ice cream.
“I told you.” He smiles.
“I hate you.” I say.
I look at her bedroom in the corner of the room, next to the kitchen, closest to the laundry room.
“Aren’t you going to that party with Rochelle today? Why are you trying to binge on ice cream?” He asks.
He was worried, even though he laughs at his own joke.
“I’m sick.” I say.
“That was last week.” He says.
“Rochelle didn’t invite me anyways.” I say.
I’m too sad for Jake right now. I can’t be sad around Jake.
“Where are you going?” I ask.
“To the party.” He says.
“Can you take me.” I ask.
I needed more ice cream.
“No, I’m not taking you to the store to go get ice cream. I’ll get you some real food, though.” He says.
“Or you can just wait for the pizza I ordered for you to come.” Jake smiles at me.
“Look at you, being a brother for once.” I joke.
His laugh makes me feel better.
I wanted him to stay, I wanted to talk to him about mom. I wanted to tell him the secret I kept from him, the secret that was eating me alive. The secret about him.
“I’m heading out, okay?” He says.
“Jake. Are you taking them?” I ask.
His smile shrinks. My words hurt him, I could tell.
“Alcohol does the job.” He jokes. I don’t laugh.
“Jake. I’m serious.” I say.
“Come on, Alex. You know you can’t drink and take them. That’s like, suicide.” He says. I tense at his words.
“Be careful, okay?” I say to him.
“You too.” He says.
“I love you.” I say.
“I’m not saying that.” He laughs.
I smile at his comment.
I Knew The Entire Time
The room goes quiet. I’m still in the kitchen, frozen, and wet. The water from my hair, now drips on the kitchen floor.
I open the freezer, just to double check, even though I know there’s no ice cream left. But, with the freezer door open, it stops me from seeing her room.
I go upstairs, grab my bag, MP3 player, headphones, and my camera.
I can’t spend another night in the house alone, not again.
My car was in the shop, so I call a cab and go downtown.
~~~~
There were lights, people, laughter, and enough life to stop the thoughts.
The wind blows, and the air is misty. That’s Versa for you.
With my camera, I take photos of people without their permission. They look happy. It seemed like they were in a different world then me, a better one.
I stay downtown long enough to discover they had ice cream, that I could eat. Taste like sugar-soaked vanilla, but it did the job. When the lights in the town start to turn off, I start to walk home.
I look at brown cement the entire time, while I listen to my headphones, and play a game with the sidewalk. I avoided the lines on the sidewalk, the lines were my secrets. If I stepped on a line, then I had to say a secret out loud. I don’t get too far, before I step on a line.
I let a secret out. I could blurt them loud, and feel better.
The headphones were in, the music was loud.
Another line. Another secret.
The next secret is about Hayes. I go to blurt it, when a car passes me fast. It scares me.
I look at my feet again, I feel paranoid. Did the person in the car hear my secrets? Will this travel around town too? Another thing with the Bartley’s and Richards, more drama again. Because of me.
I stop the game, and instead pick at my nails, while the music comforts me.
I can see my shadow on the sidewalk, the car stopped ahead of me. Yet, I keep walking.
The car honks, and I take out my headphones.
“Get in”
Please Forgive Me
I sit in his passenger seat, while Hayes drives.
When he saw me walking this late, he offered to take me home.
I said no, more than once. I didn’t want to be in that car with him. I didn’t want to be near him.
I gave in after a while though.
The ride is quiet, but there’s always Hayes’s music, to fill the silence.
“Are you feeling better?” He asks me.
I’m nervous.
“Yeah.” I lie.
“How about you?” I ask him after more silence.
“Yeah.” He says.
He looked better, but his voice was sad though.
I look at the steering wheel and remember what Jeff and I did in Hayes’s car, not too long ago. I feel guilty again.
We drive around for a while, I watch the street lights change. The changing lights are like dominos.
“Alex.” Hayes repeatedly calls my name.
I ignore him and face the window instead.
He starts to honk his horn, until I respond to him. I cover my ears for a while, still turned to the window. It starts to get funny when it goes on for more than 2 minutes.
“Hayes. Stop doing that.”
I grab his hand on the wheel and laugh for the first time in a while. He honks it again.
“I see you Hayes! What do you want?!” I laugh.
He could make me smile and break my heart at the same time.
“I’m sorry, Little Richards.” He smiles. I squeeze my sleeves, and nod.
There’s more silence between the two of us. My eyes aren’t glued to the window anymore, though. We’d occasionally look at each other. I’d smile at Hayes, when he’d nod to the music. He’d smile back.
After a while, everything went silent again. We are now close, to our street.
The car slows down, I can hear the tires against the wet pavement. Hayes stops the car and turns down the music.
“I want to show you something.” He whispers. I laugh.
“Why are you talking like that?” I whisper back.
“Do you want to go home, Little Richards?” He whispers. I whisper back to him.
“No.” I say.
He can’t shake his smile, it makes me happy. He turns the volume up on the radio again, and we just drive.
It was Late when
We’re are parked on a dirt road, outside of town. We could see Versa, from this hill, it was on the valley to another town. It was just Hayes and I, and occasional passing cars, that’d spit rocks at us.
Hayes stopped at a gas station and brought snacks before we came up here. The view was enough to feed me though.
The dirt road was in front of a hill that leads into, a forest. I’ve never seen this place before, it’s beautiful.
The stars were bright, but Hayes uses his car as a flashlight. The blue from the dark sky, set the mood. I felt so nostalgic, that I couldn’t feel anything but that. The green from the trees in the distance, smells fresh, feels cool but not ice cold, and they smell free. The trees are giants compared to anything in the distance, taller than the hill behind us. They are comforting.
Things like this. Things like this, is what make life, perfect. No matter what’s going on, if you stop a moment, and think. You’ll realize, life is fucking great, even the shitty parts. Life is life.
“Thanks for bringing me here.” I say to Hayes.
We’re both sitting on his roof, eating trail mix.
“Yeah. I knew you’d like it.” He’s quiet after that.
There’s natural silence, but but just looking at Hayes, and feeling this way. I wanted to hear his voice again.
“How did you find this.” I ask.
“When I got back. My mom.” He stops. I look at him, he looks sad.
I’m scared
Ms. Kristen is a sensitive topic for many reasons. I was now overthinking this entire night. Did his mom say somet
hing, tell him a secret? Does he know about everything? Is that why we are here?
“When I got back, she was pretty messed up Alex. She said some stuff to me, treated me like shit.” His voice is raspy again. He keeps clearing it.
“Why?” I ask.
“I think, when I first got back, she was scared of me.” He says.
“I think she thought, that I was someone else.” I can feel his sadness.
“That’s why she called the cops on me, you know? She thought I was him. Too drunk to even see me, for me. Saw me through him. I wish she’d get better.” He says.
Chills ride my back, this was too deep for the both of us to talk about. If we keep on with this conversation, secrets would soon come out. There would be no turning back.
“Hayes.” He touches my hand. Our shoes tap each other’s.
“After she called the cops. When I got out, I was going to leave Versa again.” He says.
I lean into him, our shoulders are touching, we feel each other’s warmth.
“I got this far.” He smiles.
I stay silent. I watch his eyes, I enjoy his voice.
“I couldn’t leave again.” He says.
“I promised you.” I lean off of him. I can’t get anything else out, but his name. He grabs trail mix from my hands.
“Why?” I ask.
My throat is raw, I want to cry. I want to hug him, I want to, hold him.
“You’re my best friend Alex”
I hear the trail mix break down in his mouth. I watch his clenched jaw.
“I want to see Timmy soon.” He says.
“I’ll go with you.” I say.
“I kind of want to see him alone.” His voice is soft.
After a long silence, Hayes stretches, tries to lighten the mood. He smiles.
“I need a drink.” He says.
“Let’s go get one.” I say.
“No, I’m driving.” He says.
“I’ll drive. I stopped drinking.” I say.
“Me too.” He says.
“Trying. I’m trying to stop drinking. I’m not supposed to drink anyways. It fucks up my liver.” He says.
“Why, what’s wrong with your liver?” I turn to him.
“Nothing, don’t worry about , Little Richards.” He doesn’t look at me.
“Good for you.” I nudge him.
“It makes me act like a fucking dick.” He laughs.
