by Amelia E. S.
The driver in the truck honks, the lacrosse guys hoot. I stop kissing Jeff.
Hands behind my back, I pick at the splinter again.
“I should go back inside.” I say. He smiles, before putting my hood back on.
“Alright. I’ll see you around Alex.” He says.
He gets in the passenger seat of the truck.
I go back inside, and watch the black truck pull off.
The little kid, and his parent are leaving now. The little kid steps on my foot, on their way out. Through the window, he sticks out his tongue at me again.
Finally, I stick my tongue back at the little kid.
He smiles.
~~~~
I start up my car again and drive. For a while I force myself to not drive through Shiloh to look for Hayes, no matter how bad I wanted to.
Being away from Versa, I had a new perspective of it all. I didn’t feel as bad as before. I didn’t hate what I did. I accepted it more now.
I was away for Versa for only a little, and I thought differently. My thoughts are looser away from Versa, they are more alive. This is why I have to get out of Versa, before it swallows me whole. No matter how much Versa comforts me, it destroys me more.
So, when I finally find my way back to Versa, I don’t go home. I go to Jeff’s house, instead.
What are you doing tonight?
-Alex
House Arrest.
-Jeff
I stand at his front door for a while, food in hand. I was nervous. I didn’t know if he was actually home. I wasn’t sure, if he wanted company.
I pick my splinter again, then ring the doorbell.
There’s silence for a while. I can hear birds chirping, once the doorbell jingle fades. I ring it again.
Jeff hasn’t come to the door. The wait gave me butterflies, a bearable sensation. The chills came next.
I bite down on my lip, and head for my car.
“Alex!” Jeff opens the front door. Both crutches in his hand.
“Sorry, I was upstairs.” He smiles.
~~~~
I didn’t feel lonely anymore. Jeff and I now sit together in his living room. My cold food I brought, lay out on the coffee table, buffet style. My feet were up, socks tickling Jeff. He was eating the cold fries, looking at me every other second, smiling.
“Stop doing that.” I smile. He gets shy and finally looks away.
He made me feel comfortable. Made me feel alive. So alive that I pick at the salad I ordered for Emma. I pick at it, before eating some, but I couldn’t stop eating it.
“Look at you.” He rubs my socks, it warms my feet. I stop eating to look at Jeff again.
His hair was tied up, in my hair tie. I wanted Jeff again. I wanted Jeff, for making me smile, for making me feel happy. For taking the cold pain inside, the pit, away.
The crutches fall on his feet when he leans in to kiss me. I put the salad on the table and take off my jacket to feel his warm body against mine. He lays on top of me, my bare legs grope his waist. When I press into him, he groans. His breath is heavy.
He stops to breathe.
I press my lips against his neck. Chills coat his skin. I take off his shirt, to kiss lower. I squeeze his cotton shirt in my hand, when I see his chest.
“They are bruised.” He says.
The left side of his ribs are lilac purple, and grey. He groans when I touch them.
I kiss them, I kiss his chest, then I kiss his neck. Our lips meet again.
The fullness of his lips, against my body, makes me moan. They warm me. We explore each other’s body in the natural lit living room, as the sun sets.
Jeff stops to catch his breath. Seeing him breathe, seeing his lilac bruise stretch with his breath, gave me chills. I cross my legs and lean on him. We’re both tired.
Both our hairs are wild. I comb my fingers through Jeff’s hair. He smiles at me again.
I interlace our hands. Jeff kicks the wooden crutches on the floor, to get to his pants. The crutches click, when they collide.
I can hear plastic in his pocket. He grabs something out of his pant pocket.
I press on my slinter again.
He grabs out a clear plastic bag, full of green pills.
I stay silent as he picks through a few. My hands are cold, they are clamed. Our fingers are still interlaced. Jeff smiles at me.
“Do you have a card?” He asks.
“No.” I say. I smile to cover my lie.
He lets go of my hand and gets up from the couch. I wipe my sweaty hand.
I haven’t moved yet. I look at the green pills. I’ve seen them before. I see them often.
He comes back to the couch, with a credit card, and dollar in hand. He sits down.
He crushes the pills with the card. The three pills are now a small, thin, green line. He rolls the dollar. I watch him.
He wipes his nose when he’s done. I look at him. His dewy face smiles at me. He interlaces our hands again.
“They’re prescriptions, Alex.” He says.
That was a lie, I knew he was lying.
I nod at his lie, and smile. I felt sad again. I felt sad, for Jeff.
He crushes another.
“They take away the pain and help me concentrate.” He says.
“What about lacrosse.” My voice is scratchy.
“Can’t play.” He goes for another.
I look at his bruised body, and nod.
I move his sweaty hair from his face. I comb his hair with my hands again.
I grab his chin. He stops everything to look at me, to watch me. I watch the rolled dollar, unwind as he drops it onto the table.
Even though, I felt coldness in him, Jeff still warmed me. I press my lips against his again. There are tears in my eyes now.
When I pinch the splinter; the tears, go away.
I put the cold food, in the cold fridge. Night came fast, the lights stay off. The gloom drowned us, made us tired.
We are each other’s anchors for the rest of the night.
I Think Its Because
It’s morning, the blue lit room is now Ombre, by the orange sun rise.
Jeff’s house is cold, and quiet. It’s just Jeff, and I, I guess.
I hug him before I get up from the couch.
I’m not sure why, I’m up. It’s too cold, and I don’t want to go home, yet. I don’t want to leave him, yet.
When the furnace kicks in, I walk around.
I was in the dining room, now. I see photos of Jeff, and his parents. Jeff looked younger, he looked happier. His parents look perfect. Where were his parents?
The dining room is decorated with confetti on the table. There are golden wine glasses. Deflated gold and white balloons are scattered onto the floor.
A placemat read.
Happy New Years
I get cold again. I put on my hood before I walk back over to Jeff. He’s still asleep.
I’m too scared. I want to wake him.
“Jeff.” He doesn’t move.
I call him again and stroke his hair. Our heads are touching.
I’m sitting on the floor now, and stroking his hair, until he moves. I’m pinching my splinter, behind my back.
I kiss him, and he groans. I feel better now.
“I’m going to go, okay?” I whisper in his ear.
He nods, it sounds like his soft voice is going to say something. He groans again. He sounds sad. I feel bad for leaving.
I leave before he opens his eyes, before he sees me go. I won’t be able to leave him, if he sees me. If he smiles at me.
~~~~~
When I get home, there’s Emma and Jake in the kitchen again. Emma’s making pancakes, Jakes staring at me. The room is silent. Jake’s clapping his hands.
“Sister of the year ladies and gentlemen!” He says.
Emma’s eyes are glued to me when I walk in. She doesn’t laugh at Jake’s joke, she just stares at me. I can hear the oil cooking in the pan.
“Get lost again?�
� He jokes. I’m not laughing. I’m pissed.
“Fuck you Jake.” I toss my keys on the island and go upstairs.
I didn’t care if I hurt Jake. Deep down, I did. I want to apologize, but I don’t.
I get into my bed and go back to sleep.
I Love You Hayes
It was night again, when I wake up. Ever since Hayes left, the first thing I do when wake up, is go to my window. His car is always there though, in the exact same spot. It’s in the same spot now.
Seeing it, affects my day. Thankfully the day, was coming to an end.
I roam the house, and watch T.V downstairs. Emma and Jake are in his room.
I kept my phone close, for Jeff. I waited for a text, or call, but nothing.
I was obsessed with the mystery of Jeff. I wanted to know him more, to feel him more.
For the first time ever, I want to share my secrets. I want Jeff, to know my secrets, while he kisses me. I want to comb through his hair and watch him get better. Watch the green line grow shorter, and shorter every time our lips meet. I want to get better, with him.
My phone buzzes under my leg. I put down my bowl of ice cream, to answer it.
“Hello?” There’s static for a while. I’m on mute.
“Alex?” It’s Adam. I can hear music in the background.
He walks someplace else, and the music quiets. I eat a spoonful of ice cream.
“How are things?” He asks me. He sounds buzzed.
“They are good. What are you doing?” I ask. I scrunch my hair.
Adam rarely calls, but he calls more than you’d think. More than Jack.
We’ve all been through a lot, so when a sibling calls, we always answer. No matter what.
Adam sounds sad. I can hear him sigh through the phone.
“How’s Jake, where is he?” He asks.
I pick at my splinter, because I’m about to lie.
“He’s good. I think he went out.” I say.
I didn’t want to get stuck on Jake for too long. I had another secret about him, it was fresh. Talking about him, made me feel guilty.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
I hear him sigh through the phone again, this makes me nervous.
“I’m worried about you Alex.” He says. He’s being weird. I laugh to cover my fear.
I bite down on my lips, when my eyes start to water.
“Adam, I’m fine. I promise.” I lie.
“What did you eat today?” He asks.
“I’m eating now.” I say.
“What did you eat today, Alex?” He asks me.
“I just had a salad.” I lie.
There’s silence through the phone again, I can’t breathe.
“Come on, you don’t believe me.” I laugh, because I’m scared.
I don’t like to talk about my habit. I don’t like when people start to notice my habit.
There’s static again, it’s calming. Adam is still muted. I bite down on my spoon, when I go for another scoop.
“Alex.” He’s whispers.
“Do you miss her too?” He asks.
“Every day, Adam.” I say.
There’s silence. He mutes me again.
“Adam, what’s wrong?” I ask.
He clears his throat again.
“I just feel like shit right now.” He laughs. I smile.
“Are you at a party?” I ask.
I can hear Adam cover his mouth.
“No. I haven’t been drinking either.” I hear him laugh through the tears.
I ache
“Alex, I don’t want to be here.” He says.
The music is loud again. The static was louder. Chills coat my skin.
“Adam, don’t talk like that.” I say to him.
“Can you pick me up? I don’t want to be here. I just want to see you guys.” He cries.
Each time he gasps for air, chills coat me. I can feel his cold tears, through the static. I cover my mouth to hide my heavy breaths. To cover my, cry.
“Sure Adam, I’ll leave right now.” I say.
I stand up, to get more air.
“These fucking frat boys are fucking dicks, Alex.” He laughs, then cries.
The static takes over the phone, again. It’s static for a while, before the call ends.
I put on my jacket, and text Rochelle for the first time in a while.
Want to go to a college party?
-Alex
F*ck Yes!
-Rochelle
~~~~~
The floor is glossy, the walls are blue. Everything smells of antiseptic and rubbing alcohol. It’s familiar.
My stomach is turning. I feel sick again.
I take deep breaths as I hold Jake’s hands, and Ms. Kristen’s holding mine. Adam is behind us.
We only had a few more steps, but I can’t take another step. I let go of their hands.
I’m standing there, and everyone’s staring at me. The pit was coming back.
Adam holds my hand, when he sees tears.
“It’s okay, Alex.” He says.
“I’m scared, Adam.” I mumble.
“Of what?” He laughs.
“Will she like me?” I ask. He smiles.
“Let’s find out.” He says.
I hold my breath. I only step, in the squares on the tile floor. This calms me, the tiles make me feel better.
I breathe again once we enter the room.
There they were; Our oldest brother Jack, his girlfriend Rosa, and their newborn baby.
“Guys, meet Emily.” He cries.
His tears are happy. I’ve never seen Jack so happy, before.
Now everyone was happy, everyone was smiling, but me. I felt guilty again, because of a pulsing secret.
It’s been two months since my mother passed. At her funeral, something happened.
Seeing Emily was too much.
“Alex, you’re crying!” Jake laughs.
“Now I know. Babies are your weakness.” He laughs.
“Aren’t they everyone’s?” Asked Adam. His smile makes me smile.
“Alex’s been, a cry baby, lately.” Jake laughs.
“Hey, crying’s good for you!” Jack laughs.
I nudge Jake. Ms. Kristen rubs my back and hugs me from behind.
This wasn’t enough. I stay quiet.
“Alex, would you like to hold her?” Asks Rosa.
Everyone’s staring at me, and the room feels like it’s getting smaller.
I go to the bathroom, before I start to cry.
Once I’m in the bathroom, tears don’t fall. I vomit in the toilet, instead.
I wanted to wait in the bathroom until we were ready to leave. I couldn’t bare the secret that sat in my stomach.
Jack comes in the bathroom, he closes the door behind him.
I sat in the corner of the room, hugging myself.
“Hospitals aren’t the cleanest.” He jokes.
I wipe my wet face, I cried too much for any more to come out.
“What’s going on Alex, is it mom?” He asks.
I lie at first, but he doesn’t believe me.
“I have a secret.” I blurt aloud.
He looks at me, almost scared.
The room goes silent. The loud fan in the ceiling hums, I get up, and my shoes squeak when I walk towards him.
“I did something Jack, but you can’t tell anyone.” I say.
I tell him my recent secret. The secret that made me cry when I looked Emily in the eyes. The secret that formed a pit in my stomach, made me ache. I didn’t tell him my other secret though, I couldn’t.
He hugged me after though, didn’t ask any questions. He warmed me with his comfort, I needed this.
I could hear everyone in the next room, laughing, they are happy.
“I just want us to be together again.” I say.
“Alex. We’re moving to California next week." He says.
“Me, Rosa, and Emily.” He mumbles.
His hug was cold now. It
felt better to tell someone else the truth, though. Yet, another person is leaving me now.
I ache again.
I wanted him to stay, I needed him. I didn’t want to bare another person in my life, leaving me. I didn’t try to convince or beg him to stay. I should’ve. My throat was too raw and burning, for me to say anything at that moment.
Tears fall down my face now, he wipes them.
“Emily is beautiful. Mom, would’ve loved her.” I say. He smiles at me.
I step in the squares again as we leave the bathroom. Jake, Adam, and Ms. Kristen were standing outside of the room.
I was now face to face with Emily, she gets more beautiful, every second. My smile is wide now.
“Hi Emily.” I say.
Rosa lets me hold her. As soon as she lands into my hands, I get chills. Everything about her is pure, and light. I watch her, every movement brings me joy. Her cries scare me at first. Then I realize as I’m holding her, I’m warming her.
I cry again
“More tears.” Rosa asks.
“Happy ones. Happy tears.” I say.
“Alex, loves you.” I cry.
END OF BOOK 1
Two. Part. Story.
Dear Hayes, “SECRETS”
About the Author
Amelia E. S. is an indie writer, who writes scientific fiction. Lately, she’s been exploring different writing genre’s, like YA Romance, poems, and horror.
Amelia E. S., has been a very creative person since, she was a young child. She's very artsy, and has been with different forms of art, for as long as she can remember. Amelia, is now a college student, attending art school.
Read more at Amelia E. S.’s site.
