Friggin Zombies

by N. C. Reed

  By eleven we had done about all we could think of. I wheedled Connie into stopping at Jacks so I could continue my slow suicide of unhealthy eating. She chose a salad and tea, but you know what I got. To her credit, Connie didn't harp at me over the completely unhealthy choices I had made. Maybe because she thought it might not be long until I couldn't get any more. Whatever the reason, I foundered myself on two, that's two, of my favorite all time non-homemade burgers and probably a half-gallon of Dr. Pepper. Well, a quart anyway.

  We made our way home and unloaded everything into the house with about ten minutes to spare. By the time the conference started we were finished and sitting side-by-side on the couch.

  There was the usual hub-bub at the first, 'grave situation', 'national significance', and the like. Finally though Dumbo stepped onto the podium. I didn't like the guy, still don't for that matter, but I was honestly a little concerned at how drawn he looked. He usually looked a little more. . .well, I don't know. He looked tired. Worn was the word that floated around in my head to be honest.

  “My fellow Americans,” he started with the same line every President since Kennedy had used. “You have no doubt seen the news reports from Europe this morning, or perhaps last evening. You no doubt have concerns about what you have seen and heard, and rightfully so. I have this morning, along with my staff and senior members of the Administration and with senior members of both the House and Senate, been in contact with our opposite numbers in the regions and nations affected by this unprecedented phenomenon.”

  “European leaders assure me that they are taking all precautions possible to contain the problem and prevent its spread. After hearing their actions and their plans, we have to agree that they are doing all that can be done under the circumstances.”

  “At this time there is very little known about the virus that is causing this problem. Specimens have been taken for examination and both the U.S. Army's Medical Research Institute and the Center for Disease Control are assisting with the investigation aspect of this problem. As of yet however there is nothing to report that is not already in the public domain.” He paused, looking around.

  “It was decided in a meeting this morning with my senior advisers that we would present everything we know to the American people during this brief. There's simply no reason, no advantage, in withholding information. The truth is we don't have any idea what is causing this outbreak of violence outside that it is some kind of sickness. One that spreads with alarming speed by every account available.”

  “Contact with bodily fluids seems to be the only way the virus spreads, at least for the moment, but medical professionals are warning that viruses can and do evolve as their environment changes so we cannot depend upon, cannot count upon this staying the case. The method of spread may change and we must be aware of that danger.”

  “In just a moment the Surgeon General will present the symptoms of the virus as they are known to be at present, along with precautions that may help prevent its spread. Let me stress that at this time there are no known cases in the United States or American territories. That is not something we can count on to continue. Hopefully it will, but it would be irresponsible not to allow for contingencies in the event that the virus finds its way to our shores.”

  “Because this cannot fail to cause at least a momentary panic, I have, after consulting with Congressional leaders, closed the stock exchanges for the next few days. Banks will be open, but monetary withdrawals will be limited for the next few days as well. Normal business will be conducted without interruption but bank runs will not be allowed to happen. Prices on all commodities including gasoline are frozen for the immediate future. We will not tolerate price gouging or profiteering during this time of crisis.”

  “Let me repeat that no cases of this virus have been reported or even suspected in the U.S. or her territories. It may be that none will be. But we will exercise precaution until such time as this current crisis is behind us. Use good judgment, common sense, and follow the protocols that are about to be disseminated to you. They are for your safety and are the best protection we have against contamination at this time. And now, the Surgeon General.”

  I tuned out the rest. Connie was taking notes as the S.G. rattled off his list of precautions. She was far more qualified than I was to think about that. I was thinking about the speech. There were several things that I just. . .I couldn't put my finger on it exactly but it just seemed off, somehow. Wrong.

  I mean, Europe has a Zombie infestation and we're being cautioned to use common sense and good judgment? This administration had never once been guilty of trusting the good judgment and common sense of its citizens, yet suddenly we're on our own? And that's when it hit me.

  We were on our own. He had basically just told us that it was every man for himself from here on out. Sure it was camouflaged with the diplospeak and just enough of actual truth to make it plausible, but no martial law? No rationing? No travel restrictions? There was just no way this was right!

  “This is bullshit,” Connie said suddenly, drawing me away from my introspection.

  “What?”

  “This is total bullshit,” she held up the pad she'd been making notes on, nodding to the screen. “This is the standard drill for shit like the flu, Drake. I tell this stuff to patients every day. It's some of the oldest precautions known to medicine.”

  “So? I mean a reminder isn't a bad idea under the circumstances, right?” She was shaking her head.

  “No, you don't understand. This should be treated as a Level Four quarantine. There's a whole different set of rules for that kind of thing. A virus that spreads through fluid contact, no vaccine, no cure, no Patient Zero, nothing. The precautions for something like this are through the roof. At a minimum we should see travel bans and curfews until this is under control. It's the best, safest way to try and prevent the spread of the virus.”

  “Well, that answers that, I guess,” I leaned back, head resting on the back of the couch. She turned to face me, hooking one gorgeously tanned leg over the. . .not now, not now, not now, I told my traitorous inner voice. Anyway, she looked at me questioningly.

  “There was no travel restrictions. No rationing, no curfew, nothing. Absolutely nothing. No precautions announced outside the financial sector and that's something that everyone would have expected. He just left the nation wide open to a mass panic and didn't announce a single precaution to prevent it. If we could see . . . .” I got up abruptly and went to get my laptop.

  “Wh. . .what are you doing?” Connie demanded but I was already on my way back. I sat back down and brought up a camera from the courthouse in town, courtesy of the local paper.

  “Look,” I told her, turning the screen where she could see.

  It had started already, people running to grab what they could from where they could. We watched for a few minutes before turning to a news channel from the nearest city.

  There were already riots in the streets, fires burning out of control and people screaming about government conspiracies and biological attacks.

  “That last might make sense,” Connie admitted, looking at the notes she'd taken.

  “Really?” I asked, surprised to say the least.

  “Yes,” she nodded. “I doubt that it is in all honesty, but it's always possible. It might be an engineered virus that escaped a lab where it was being developed. That happens a lot more than people might think,” she told me flatly.

  “Why do you doubt it's an actual attack?” I wanted to know.

  “No locus,” she replied, and I'm sure the dumb look on my face was what prompted her to explain.

  “Look. A biological attack has to be widespread to do any real damage. It's too easy to cordon off an area or just firebomb the hell out of it to kill the virus and stop the spread. To prevent that, you have more than one release area. In fact you have a dozen or more if you can, all in public areas to infect as many people as possible. It guarantees the virus will survive and that you get
the maximum possible spread of infected people. Who in turn carry the virus somewhere else and spread it further. All of that establishes patterns which in turn can be traced to precise locations of initial infection.”

  “Wow,” was all I could think of to say, both about the facts she'd given me and the fact that she had them to start with. Be still my heart.

  “Anyway, there's nothing like that here,” she went on. “That makes it more likely that it's either naturally occurring or it's an accidental release. Either way, it's too spread out now to contain,” she sighed, tossing her steno pad onto the table. “They can try a nuke, I guess. Or maybe carpet the areas with napalm. But otherwise, it's out there.”

  “What?” she had my undivided attention now. Well, okay, she always had my undivided attention but now I was listening to what she was saying instead of just. . .anyway.

  “Those are the only two sure fire ways to kill a virus,” she shrugged. “Burn them up. I suppose there are some other napalm like mixtures they can use, but essentially it's all about the fire now. The only way to be sure is to hit it with high temperature flames.”

  I honestly didn't know what to say at that point. A nuke? Thermite maybe instead of napalm? I didn't know. I didn't think I wanted to know, either.

  “Well, I guess now all our actions the last few days are justified,” I sighed. “We're ahead of the crowd at least.”

  “I'm glad you came to see me,” Connie nodded. “And that you trusted me,” she added, leaning back on the couch against my shoulder. “I'd be running scared about now at best.”

  “I doubt it,” I snorted, placing an arm around her shoulder. “You're too smart for that. You might be in a rush, but there's no way you'd be in a panic.” She smiled up at me and kissed my cheek.

  “I appreciate that. What do we do now?” she asked.

  “Hell if I know,” I admitted, and it was true. We were as ready as we could possibly be at this point. All we could do now was wait and see what happened. “It's Saturday, so I guess we'll see how things develop. Maybe there won't be any problems here, but. . .I get the feeling there's already a problem here. In America, I mean,” I added.

  “Why?”

  “That speech sounded more like an ass covering stance than anything else,” I pointed out, and it had. “It's almost as if they know they can't contain the problem and this was a way to hold off as much of the inevitable panic as possible. See what I mean?” She nodded thoughtfully at that.

  “What do we do, though?” she asked again. “I mean, do we go to work Monday? Do we just hole up here from now on and wait and see? We've made about all the preparations we can make that I know of.”

  “I think so too,” I admitted. “The only thing I know is to make sure we're always thinking. Looking around us, considering what we may need and the like. For instance, I had the idea. . .wow, maybe it was just yesterday. Anyway, I had the idea that we should get some chickens. Just a few, for eggs and for meat too, if things go on like we're afraid they will. I did get some feed and laying mash when I was in town.”

  “Well, let's go see if we can find some chickens, then,” Connie got to her feet and held out a hand. “We're not getting any younger.”

  “No, I suppose not,” I agreed and got to my feet as well. “Let's take some precautions, though. Things will be crazy now.”

  *****

  Crazy indeed. Man it was like watching a Chinese fire drill in conjunction with a Keystone Cops convention and throwing in one of those Shriner groups that did the crazy driving stunts in parades.

  Cars were everywhere, running and gunning all over town as people scrambled to get this and that and whatever they could think of. There was a line at least twenty cars long at the local bank drive-through since the lobby was closed on Saturday.

  “What a mess,” Connie was shaking her head. “I didn't think it would be this bad this quick.” Truthfully I hadn't either. I guess more people had been watching than I had thought. Or else word had traveled fast, I didn't know.

  We rolled into the Co-op to a fairly calm scene. I used their pumps to fill up Big Baby, just in case. Meanwhile Connie was taking notes from their 'For Sale or Trade' board. When I got inside I noted that the young guy behind the counter was paying close attention to her. I didn't blame him of course, but I couldn't help feel a little tingle of jealousy. I managed to tromp on it as he turned reluctantly to me.

  “Help you?” he asked, though you could tell he wished I had dropped dead rather than enter the store while he had Connie all to himself.

  “He's with me,” Connie called over her shoulder and I grew at least six inches taller while the pimply faced little shit behind the counter deflated. ‘Served the little prick right’, I thought with malicious glee.

  “Find anything?” I asked, careful not to smirk at Pimply as I walked by.

  “Yeah, a few,” Connie nodded, still writing. “Chickens, a few geese and ducks, even some small pigs.”

  “I know nothing whatever about butchering a pig,” I admitted. “Not against the idea, just don't know how. Also we don't really have a place to keep one.”

  “Well, I don't really care about the pigs,” Connie snorted. “Not that I have anything against bacon but I don't know how to butcher one either. Still, it's a thought. But I also found a notice about puppies.”

  “Puppies?” I asked. I couldn't actually see my eyebrows of course, but I was sure they had gone up.

  “Yeah,” she looked up, grinning. “I had the thought that if things get that bad, it wouldn't hurt to have a good dog. And if they don't we'll still have a good guard dog, right?”

  Okay, at this point a number of things went through my mind. Getting a dog, together, was one of those things that couples did. I didn't know if we officially represented a couple or not, but I did so love the idea. Second, she spoke as if we would still be. . .whatever we were, even if the world wasn't ending. Third, I really liked all the 'we' she was using in her sentences. All of which led me to say;

  “Whatever you want.” She beamed at me and my knees went a little watery, but I maintained. Couldn't look unmanly in front of Pimply after all. Connie finished making notes and we departed.

  We had only been inside for a few minutes, five at most, but I swear things looked worse in just that short a time. Connie sat in the truck and made a few calls, finding a half-dozen chickens and a rooster for practically nothing. I had eased us into traffic and we were already going the right direction so we were good on that score, but I pulled into the Tractor Supply parking lot as we headed out of town.

  “What are we doing?” Connie asked.

  “We need a pet taxi or something to put the chickens in,” I shrugged. “And we need to look and see if there's some kind of chicken house or something. And maybe a book on raising chickens. I got nothing on that score.”

  “True,” she nodded and climbed down. It took several minutes but soon enough we had what we needed and Connie had picked up some puppy food and a few toys, along with the vaccinations she would need. Apparently even a people doctor could get the stronger meds usually reserved for vets. Or maybe it was just a guy trying to impress a great looking woman, I didn't know. I did know how he felt, though.

  Fifteen minutes later we were back on the road, first stop the chicken place. The elderly couple had more than they could say grace over and were slowly weeding down their livestock.

  “Nothin' wrong with 'em,” the elderly farmer assured me. “Just don't need 'em no more. Good layers and they'll raise if'n you want chicks later on.” I nodded as if all that made sense to me. And it did sort of. Connie had bought a book at Tractor Supply so I figured I could get the hang of it. Probably.

  We loaded the birds into the oversize pet taxi and placed it in back of the truck, the birds clucking nonstop. We loaded ourselves up and headed for the 'puppy place'. A couple with three Labrador Retriever pups left, two males and one female. It was a fairly quick trip since every car in a twenty mile radius seemed to be cra
mmed into town at the moment.

  We were no more out of the truck than here came three bundles of fur running at top speed to see who we were. An older, larger version trailed after them, watching us carefully and barking until someone came to the door.

  Connie was oohing and ahhing over all the pups, but one in particular was determined to get her attention, a little chocolate colored male that grabbed the laces on one of her shoes and pulled it, untying her shoe. She laughed as she retied the knot while her new admirer rolled on the ground in front of her, yapping madly.

  They were all about eight weeks old and looked good to me. The owner had a shot record for them, and papers. They weren't free, or even cheap, but the pedigree looked pretty good. I watched and waited until Connie decided that Shoe Lace was going to be the one. I paid the man for him and accepted the papers while she busied herself hugging her new friend. Shaking my head I held the struggling, wiggling bundle of hair as Connie climbed back into the truck and then handed him off. The other two, sensing they were losing their brother, rared up on my legs, I guess trying to get me to load them up as well. The owner shooed them on their way and soon we were on the road once more, Connie playing with her new puppy.

  “Thank you, Drake,” she said softly and I glanced her way to see her looking intently at me.

  “You're welcome,” I nodded. “He's a cute little fella,” I added.

  “He's adorable,” she agreed happily. Hey, if she was happy, so was I. You can go ahead and think what you want, but by then I was long past the 'lust' stage of my attraction to Connie Kane. At the very least I was infatuated. Honestly I think I was already completely in love with her at that point.