Friggin Zombies

by N. C. Reed

  “I was thinking the same thing,” she admitted. “Give me a few minutes to see what's missing, if anything,” she looked at her watch. “We won't be able to get into a hardware store before eight anyway,” she added.

  “I'll start cleaning up the glass,” I nodded and she smiled again.

  “I really appreciate that,” she told me.

  “Hey, it's what I live for.”

  *****

  I gotta be honest, I hadn't expected any of Connie's staff to come in to work. I don't say that in any kind of bad or judgmental way, I just didn't expect it with everything like it was. It was dangerous just to be out, let along to be inside a doctor's office.

  I also didn't think any of her patients would show up, either.

  Wrong on both counts Drake.

  Nettie Halliburton walked into the office at seven forty-five sharp just as I finished sweeping the last of the broken glass out of the waiting room. Nettie was a formidable looking woman. She wasn't quite as tall as Connie, but then Connie was maybe a millimeter under six feet. Halliburton was five-nine at a minimum and roughly as wide. Sorry, that's unfair.

  It wasn't that she was fat. She wasn't. She was just. . .solid. Farm girl I guess. Tall, broad shouldered and just. . .solid. Best word I can come up with that's not going to sound ugly. She was probably in her late forties to early fifties.

  “Who the hell are you?” she demanded as she walked through the broken door. Very direct person, Nettie Halliburton. I may not have mentioned that at first.

  “He's my boyfriend,” Connie's voice drifted through the receptionist's window and once more I was the tallest man in town. I was her boyfriend! Hear that? Ha! I was about to smirk in typical male satisfaction when I realized that Nettie was still giving me the evil eye.

  “So you got a name, boyfriend?” she asked just short of challenging.

  “Ah, yes ma'am,” I nodded, any thoughts about smirking gone. Did I mention how formidable Nettie was?

  “And?” an eyebrow shot up in impatience.

  “Uh, Drake,” I replied. “Shelton Drake.”

  “I've seen you here before,” her eyes narrowed at me and I nodded.

  “Yes ma'am, you have,” I agreed. “I was here last Monday.”

  “And now you're the boyfriend?” she snorted slightly.

  “It's complicated,” I tried, shrugging.

  “Nettie, enough,” Connie's voice came out of the office again. “I appreciate it but I can take care of myself. And he can take care of me, too,” she added and the smirk threatened to blossom on my face again. I stuffed it back down, not wanting to get on Nettie's bad side. Or maybe worse side. I hadn't actually seen a good side yet.

  “What the hell happened here, anyway?” she demanded through the window, ignoring me completely now. “What a mess.”

  “Someone broke in,” Connie told her. “Probably after the drugs and when they couldn't get them they tore the place apart.”

  “Bastards,” Nettie snarled. She looked back at me.

  “You gonna stand there all day or fix that door?” Very formidable woman, Nettie.

  *****

  After Nettie Halliburton's 'suggestion' I decided that it was time to get started. Connie needed to stay and now that she wasn't alone I could spare the time to run to the nearest place and get a couple sheets of plywood.

  “Need anything else?” I asked, making a short list of things I needed to at least close her office up and seal out the weather. Nothing I could do would keep her from being broken into again.

  “A Coke would be nice,” she admitted. “I don't usually drink soda regularly but I think I could use the sugar and caffeine today. Get me the one with sugar and not corn syrup. The Mexican Coke.”

  “You know that statement could result in a DEA investigation.” That was what everyone called the 'export' soda, but I couldn't resist.

  “Go!” she laughed, making a shooing motion. I looked at Nettie.

  “Can I get you anything, ma'am?” I asked. Politely. Have I mentioned how formidable Nettie is?

  “If you can find me about six storage tubs that would be great,” she surprised me. “I need something to put the records in while we're sorting them,” she added.

  “Storage it is,” I nodded. “Back soon!” I called and headed out. As I was leaving a woman with two kids was getting out of a car in the parking lot.

  “Is the doctor seeing patients?” the woman asked, looking at the damaged front.

  “I think so, but I'm not positive,” I admitted. “The receptionist is inside,” I pointed. The woman nodded and pulled her children to her, heading inside. I climbed into Big Baby and was soon weaving through traffic again.

  *****

  So. Plywood. Usually not a problem, right? That Monday was not a usual day. I tried three places including Lowes before I found two, that is two sheets of three-quarters plywood at a local hardware store. By two I mean last two. Probably in the whole town. I managed to get two more sheets of one inch plywood which for some reason was not as popular. There were four sheets of that left.

  Taking my plunder I weaved and bobbed my way through the traffic once more to Connie's office. I pulled into a steadily filling parking lot. I had moved two chairs into the front before I left so I'd have room to work and miraculously no one had moved or run over them. Sometimes you get lucky. I backed into the spot and got out.

  I delivered Connie's Coke and Nettie's storage tubs, noting that there were several people in the waiting room now. I looked at Nettie.

  “We're the only ones here,” she told me quietly.

  “Anything I can do to help?” I asked.

  “You can fix the window,” she snorted. Got it. Boyfriend not needed. Message received. I went.

  I have no idea why I had my tool box in the truck other than I had placed some things inside when all this had started. By sheer luck I had my battery powered drill and saw combo. Every once in a while you get lucky. I had probably had a reason for putting the box in there when I did it, and then had promptly forgotten it. Regardless, I had it with me, thank goodness.

  I used the two chairs that had reserved my parking place as sawhorses and pulled the first sheet of wood out. Measuring the window first, I cut one of the one-inch board to fit and covered what was left of the window with it, using wood screws to hold it in place. I used a lot of them, hoping that would slow down another intruder. Might not make any difference, but the longer it took me to do this, the less time I had to spend around Nettie Halliburton. Have I mentioned how formidable Nettie is?

  The door was a bit more trouble and it took me a while to work things out. I cut one of three-quarters boards to fit it and then drilled several holes around the edge. I then placed the plywood against the frame and drilled through those holes into the door. That took a while and I had to change the battery about half-way through it. Once finished I used some self tapping metal screws to attach the plywood to the frame. They would hold up longer than the door frame I was pretty sure. I remember looking at it and wishing I had gotten some paint. It didn't matter in the long run but. . .it felt incredibly right to be doing something like this for my lovely doctor. Like I was her hero. I know that sounds corny and I don't mean it that way, but it was like, she needed something done and I could do it, know what I mean? I wanted to make it look as good as possible.

  Every man enjoys being able to do that. Be useful to the woman he loves. Any man who says he doesn't is either a liar or he's not really in love with the woman in question. I realize that's just my opinion but I'm convinced I'm right.

  Anyway.

  Finished with that I secured all my tools and locked Baby up to go inside. There was still the patient records door, but I needed to have a look at that. I didn't have a frame to work with there. I caught Connie coming out of an exam room as I stepped inside the hallway.

  “Hey,” she smiled and gave me a brief kiss. “How's it going?”

  “Window and door are fixed,” I told her. “Ho
w about you?”

  “Thanks,” she smiled. “It's crazy. No one but me and Nettie here. No nurse at all so I'm doing everything.”

  “You having Nettie call your other patients or are you going to try and see them?” I asked.

  “I don't know,” she admitted. “I. . .I want to be here for them,” she said and I could tell it was pulling at her.

  “If you want to be here, I'll do my best to get you here,” I promised. “Do whatever you want and I'll be right here beside you.” That statement earned me the lion-killer smile again. You remember the one? I hugged her briefly as she started to go into another room.

  “I'll see if I can help Dragon Lady,” I whispered and she giggled softly.

  “She's a sweetheart, really,” Connie whispered back, giving me one last peck on the cheek before ducking into the next patient room.

  I walked back up to the reception area.

  “Any way I can help?” I asked again.

  “Can you take vitals?” Nettie asked in a huff. Sweetheart. Right.

  “Yes, I can,” I replied and got to see Nettie looked flummoxed. Which in turn made all the time and money spent on classes so worth it.

  “What?”

  “Yes, I can take vitals,” I repeated, and this time I allowed my inner smirk to be free. Take that!

  “Well, you may not be completely useless after all,” she recovered quickly. The bitch. She thrust a stethoscope at me.

  “Take this and get started,” she ordered. “If the red tab is out, then there's a patient waiting for you to take vitals. While you're doing that try and get a general sense of what the problem is and write that down for Connie. Once you come out, put the red tab in, pull the green one out, and leave the chart in the receptacle on the door. Got it?”

  “I'm sure I can do at least half that,” I nodded and she snorted.

  “That's about what I've got figured.”

  And so that's how I became a physician's assistant as the zombie apocalypse was breaking out across the world.

  CHAPTER TEN

  It was nearly six o'clock by the time we'd seen the last patient. There had been down time between patients at time, but never more than maybe fifteen minutes. During that time I had managed to repair the shattered records room door using the old door and some three-quarters plywood sheeting. It looked like crap but it would at least allow them to close and lock the door. I made a quick run to the nearest store that I could find a hasp and padlock for the door and put it on there to give them some security. It wouldn't do anything but keep honest people honest, but Connie could truthfully say that her records had been secured behind a locked door.

  I'd like to tell you that Nettie Halliburton warmed up to me as the day went along but. . .I'd be lying. About the best I managed was the 'you're not useless' tag. I didn't know if it was a problem with me personally, which I saw no way it could be, or if she was just very protective of Connie. I didn't have a problem with protective since I felt the same way, but. . .I have to admit that her attitude was really wearing on me by the end of the day.

  I have no idea how many times I checked blood pressure, temperature, weight, all that crap that gets done before you actually get to see the doctor. It's not a challenge, nor is it difficult, but it is boring as hell after you get the rhythm down. Still, Connie was doing everything else alone so whatever I could do to make it easier on her I was going to do it.

  I almost washed the skin off my hands in the process. I wore gloves each time but. . .did I mention how I was becoming a germaphobe? Now I was actually having to touch people. Sick people. It literally made my skin crawl. I was sneezed on at least three times while taking vitals. Once by a kid that I am certain did it on purpose, the little shit. It's very easy when people start doing that kind of thing, or letting their kids do it, to start hoping someone actually does get eaten by zombies. I mean very easy.

  In between doing that and fixing the door I also managed to clean up the rest of the mess left behind by the break in and take out the trash. I swept the hallway out and cleaned the exam rooms as they were emptied at the end of the day. It sounds like a lot but really it wasn't. It kept me busy but that was about all.

  As the final patient left for the day I noticed a car sitting in the parking lot with three men inside. I pretended to sweep the front walk while I kept an eye on them. I couldn't see out from the office thanks to the board replacing the window. This was trouble. I knew it was and started wondering what to do about it.

  I called the police again and got a different dispatcher. This one was a man and wasn't quite as polite as the woman earlier in the day had been. I relayed to him the fact that the office had been burglarized and that there were three men sitting outside the office in a parked car at that very moment, watching the place.

  “What do you want me to do about it?” the asshole had demanded.

  “Well, I thought you might want to send someone up here to check them out, since this office had already been burglarized and we're getting ready to close up. It's possible they will attack the women who work here in an attempt to get at the drugs stored here.”

  “If that happens call back. We'll deal with it then,” the jackass snarled and then hung up. I cursed him and most of three generations of his family as I put my phone up, wishing I could see outside. I found Connie making notes about the last of her patients in her small office.

  “We may have a problem,” I told her.

  “Well, today has gone so well we had to expect a little trouble,” she shot back. Took me a second to get that she was joking.

  “There's a car with three guys in it outside, just watching the place,” I told her. “I called the police and the dispatcher basically told me to go screw myself. Call back if they attacked. Of course if I do call back it'll be for the M.E. again,” I said evenly.

  “What do we do?” she asked.

  “Can we go out the back?” I asked. There was a back door, but I hadn't opened it or checked it out.

  “We can, but there's no room back there for a car, let alone that monster you drive,” Connie told me.

  “I can move around the end of the building so we can get in that way,” I said. “Once we're in, we can pull around front and block the door from their view while Nettie gets to her car and leaves. If they get out we can shoot them,” I shrugged.

  “I'd prefer not to have to shoot anyone,” Connie frowned.

  “So would I, but I'm not about to let anything happen to you,” I said plainly. “Not going to happen.” She smiled softly at that but nodded her acceptance.

  “I know the Chief of Police,” Connie said. “Let me call him and see if he can get someone up here. It might be that they aren't up to anything.”

  “Might be I'm a movie star,” I snorted. “I'll be in the waiting room,” I told her as she picked up the phone.

  The phones had been working today without any problem. Maybe the problem Saturday had just been jammed circuits, I didn't know. I'd been busy today so I'd seen no news to amount to anything, just snatched on the waiting room television set as I was in and out.

  I got to the waiting room and locked the door, something I should have done earlier. With the board in place we couldn't see out and that made us vulnerable. I didn't like that but it was what it was. For the moment we were stuck with it.

  I turned the television to a news channel and turned the volume up a bit. I'd already cleaned the waiting room and wiped the seats and fixtures down with Lysol. Germaphobe, remember?

  “What are you doing?” Nettie demanded from behind her receptionist glass.

  “This is a television,” I pointed to the screen, tired of her shit. “If you watch this while it's tuned to a news channel, you might find shit out. I'm trying to find shit out.” With that I placed Nettie on Ignore and turned back to the screen. She mumbled something behind me but. . .Ignore.

  Things had not improved during the day and were expected to get worse with nightfall. I checked my watch. It was abou
t twenty minutes til seven. Late to still be out and about but Connie was having to do her job and then the work normally done by her nurses.

  Every state except Alaska had called out their National Guard to help quell disturbances in their major cities. I guess Alaska didn't have as many idiots as the rest of us. Or maybe it was just too cold for protests there, I didn't know.

  Dumbo hadn't been on television anymore and there had been only the standard messages from the rest of the stooges in Washington. You know the ones. No reason to panic. Situation under control. All precautions taken. Irresponsible people simply adding to the problem. That last part was true but then it always was. Basically nothing had changed since Saturday from the government prospective. The news was still running the 'precautions' that the Surgeon General had given, and the more conservative shows were interviewing 'noted physicians' who all said the same thing Connie had; bullshit. They made the same arguments she had. Nothing special in these warnings. They were literally the same good health advice that all doctors gave their patients.

  The looting, shooting and rioting had eased off during the day but as night was approaching the activity was picking back up. Police had their hands full to say the least. Store owners were fighting back, shooting rioters who tried to steal or burn their stores. Police in at least one city had tried to arrest a store owner while thieves were actually hauling shit out of his store, all caught on tape by a news crew. The surprise was when other store owners on the block had come to his rescue and beat the shit out of the two cops and then shot maybe five or six more looters before the rest had run off.

  More cops had shown up after a frantic call by the two idiot cops, resulting in a standoff between the store owners and the cops. A news crew managed to get by the cops and interview the store owners live as they stood their ground. Public opinion was firmly on the side of the store owners according to e-mails and tweets and Facebook posts, making me wonder who in the hell had time to be posting on Facebook and Twitter at a time like this.