Kenny's Coming Home
Page 4
Alright. I’ve settled down, how about a bite tonight? Discuss tactics. Around eight. Fine. The Wine Barrel. See you then.
He hangs up.
Alright, Dot, now we’ll see who’s the clever dick.
SCENE EIGHT
MUM and KIM relax after a hard day. Later that night.
MUM: No note, no nothing. I’d have sworn there’d be some reaction.
KIM: Maybe he doesn’t know yet.
MUM: I bet he knows, that Denise doesn’t miss a trick.
KIM: I got those phone numbers.
MUM: Good. Finished typing the speech?
KIM: Yep.
MUM: She’ll be able to read it now.
KIM: Look what I did at school.
She proudly displays a T-shirt which reads, ‘DOT’S GOT THE LOT’.
MUM: Lovely.
KIM: Did it in Art. I’m gonna wear it at the meeting.
MUM: Good idea.
There is a roar outside. The sound of a big motorbike. Its headlights flash through the window.
My God! What’s that?
The bike screeches to a halt.
KIM: Bikies! Might be Dingo’s mates after revenge.
MUM: Revenge?
KIM: Remember that smoko? I borrowed it accidentally.
They arm themselves with brooms. A helmeted figure appears at the window.
MUM: Stay there, if you know what’s good for you.
The figure opens the window and climbs in whilst MUM belts it with a broom.
Get out!
KIM: Don’t think you can frighten us.
MUM: We’re not scared of you.
The figure removes his helmet. It is KENNY. Now overweight, bearded, with all the accoutrements of a biker.
SONG: ‘TO THE VALLEY UNKNOWN’
KENNY:Thrown away the collar and tie
Ain’t got no reason for stocks and shares to buy
Don’t shave my face and I ain’t got no place
Think of changin’ my name to Ace
[Chorus] I’m gonna ride [ride] I’m gonna ride [ride]
I’m gonna ride [ride] to the valley unknown
I tell you family of a secret of mine
I never really did like that wife of mine
Something about her made me think she wasn’t straight
My aim in life now is to put on weight
[Chorus] I’m gonna ride [ride] I’m gonna ride [ride]
I’m gonna ride [ride] to the valley unknown
And if I should be passing by
Save me a place at the table and some zucchini pie
Thrown away the collar and tie
Ain’t got no reason for stocks and shares to buy
Don’t shave my face and I ain’t got no place
Think of changin’ my name to Ace
[Chorus] I’m gonna ride [ride] I’m gonna ride [ride]
I’m gonna ride [ride] to the valley unknown
To the valley unknown
To the valley unknown
To the valley unknown.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE NINE
KENNY, MUM and KIM.
KENNY sings a reprise of ‘TO THE VALLEY UNKNOWN’.
KENNY:I came here looking for sweet memories
And you’ve really made me feel at ease
Still it’s good to be back, it’s good to be here
I’ve come to eat your food and drink your beer
[Chorus] I’m gonna ride [ride] I’m gonna ride [ride]
I’m gonna ride [ride] to the valley unknown
To the valley unknown
To the valley unknown
To the valley unknown.
KENNY: Hi, gang! How’s it going?
MUM: Kenny?
KENNY: Different?
MUM: What happened to you?
KENNY: Me?
MUM: Look at you …
KENNY: Good, eh?
MUM: Your hair …
KENNY: Yeah, I know, stress.
MUM: Stress?
KIM: Yeah, Mum, stress. It’s a modern phenomenon, like RSI.
MUM: You poor thing.
KENNY: Hey, Ma, it’s cool, I can handle it.
MUM: You’ve put on so much weight.
KENNY: Yeah, well …
KIM: It’s alright for you, what about us? How embarrassing!
They hug.
Oh God, mind the beard, you look like Eric Grothe!
KENNY: Now hang on …
MUM: You look dreadful.
KENNY: Thanks, Ma, only took me six months to grow the bloody thing.
KIM: What happened to the suit and blow-wave?
KENNY: Time for a change.
KIM: There goes the media career.
KENNY: Tough.
MUM: Why haven’t you written or phoned, we’ve been so worried about you.
KENNY: Take it easy, Ma.
KIM: What’s with the bike?
KENNY: Freedom, sis.
KIM: What happened to the Commodore?
KENNY: Shit, it’s hot, I’d kill for a cold one.
MUM: Quick, Kim, get yourself a beer.
KIM: Eh?
MUM: I mean, get your brother a beer.
She does.
KENNY: I rang before, but no-one was home. Called the old man at the office and left a message, but no reply. Where is he?
MUM: Scouting for votes.
KENNY: Votes?
MUM: Yes, he’s standing for preselection.
KENNY: Far out!
KIM: Don’t talk about it.
MUM: You can have a nice bath after, dear, and we’ll fix your room.
KENNY: Don’t worry, Ma, I’m not staying. Besides, I’m not into externals anymore, I’m into the soul.
MUM: The soul?
KENNY: Yeah, Ma.
MUM: Oh, my God.
KIM: Tell us the guts, what happened?
KENNY: Re-birth, re-discovery.
MUM: Yes?
KENNY: Sick of the goldfish bowl.
KIM: Really?
KENNY: Yeah, I mean, a lifetime of doing the right thing, of being everyone’s … I dunno, hero. Out of control really.
MUM: Oh, yes. Didn’t seem to mind at the time.
KENNY: That was then, this is now.
MUM: Right on, brother. And what caused this, this metamorphosis?
KENNY: I dunno, I just thought …
MUM: Yes?
KENNY: I didn’t like who I was.
MUM: Oh. I see. And Irene?
KENNY: Oh, her. Yeah, well, long story, really.
KIM: Tell.
KENNY: Well, basically, Irene ran off with Jeremy, and I thought, bugger this, got meself a bike, and pissed off to Alice.
MUM: Alice?
KIM: Who’s Alice?
KENNY: Alice. The Centre. Alice Springs.
MUM: Irene left you?
KENNY: Well, sort of.
KIM: No wonder you’ve flipped.
KENNY: Apparently she’d been having it off with Jeremy before we even formed the partnership.
KIM: Told you she was a North Shore tart.
KENNY: So I sold him my share and zap! I’m outta there. Spent some time travelling around. All that Kerouac stuff.
MUM: Jack Kerouac! He was my generation.
KENNY: Got into Hunter S. Thompson as well, started doing my own thing in my own time.
MUM: I hate to say it, dear, but I think you’re twenty years too late.
KENNY: Never look back, Ma.
MUM: Oh.
KENNY: Next step, down south.
MUM: Your father employs an image maker, and you find an image destroyer.
KENNY: Given up sport, too.
KIM: Oh, God! Not another hippy, brown rice and lentils, is it?
KENNY: Uh uh. McDonald’s. Big Mac. I love ’em.
MUM: I hope you’re not going to regret this, dear, it’s awfully hard to lose weight once you’ve put it on, you know.
KENNY: Ma
, I’ve had a lifetime of training, health food, diets, you name it. Now I’m gonna live a little.
MUM: Yes, I know, it’s just that I’d hate to see you wake up one morning and wish you were back in Adelaide. Life has a funny way of throwing up little surprises, you know.
KENNY: Don’t worry, Ma, I know where I’m goin’ and that’s the main thing.
MUM: Wait till your father sees you, he’ll have a fit. He’s—
KENNY: I tell ya, Ma, this is the life. You ought to try it.
MUM: Yes, I can just see myself driving around Australia on a motorbike.
KENNY: Hey! It’s everyone’s dream, and I’m doing it.
A.D. enters in a rush.
A.D.: Hey, Kim, got that thing typed up for me yet? I need to check it over with Wacka. Now I’m off to the bowlo to see if we can’t swing a few votes over a schooner or two. I’ve arranged to see Danny Maloney from the BLF, he hasn’t got a hope of winning, so I might be able to persuade him to give me his preferences.
KIM: Guess who, A.D?
A.D.: Mmm? Hello there, jeez, Dingo didn’t last long.
KIM: It’s Kenny.
A.D.: Kenny?
KIM: Kenny.
A.D.: Kenny!
A big hug.
Artie’ll be pleased you’ve parked in the middle of his zucchinis, should make his day.
KENNY: How’s it going, A.D?
A.D.: Never been better. You been away a long time.
KENNY: Yeah.
MUM: Aunt Dorothy’s standing, too.
KENNY: Yeah, I can see that, Ma.
MUM: For preselection.
KENNY: Where, in Balmain?
KIM: No, dummy, here.
KENNY: Against Dad?
A.D.: That’s right.
KENNY: Holy shit, eh! Nothing like keeping it in the family.
KIM: Dad doesn’t know yet.
KENNY: Oh, right …
A.D.: Hey, you can work for me.
KENNY: What?
A.D.: Campaign. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
KENNY: Not me, I’m off, hitting the bitumen, ‘Fear and Loathing on the Road to Narooma’.
MUM: Your vocab’s diminished, Kenny.
KENNY: Yeah? But I’m happy, Ma, so that’s cool.
DAD enters, humming ‘I’m In with the In Crowd’. He has blow-waved his hair and is snappily attired, an image maker has been to work on him.
KIM: You’ll have to stay until the speeches.
MUM: Arthur!
DAD: What?
KIM: Dad?
DAD: What?
A.D.: Artie!
KENNY: Pa.
DAD: Pa?
MUM: Kenny.
DAD: What?
KIM: Kenny.
A.D.: It’s Kenny.
KENNY: Great to see you, Pa.
DAD: Oh, my God.
He faints.
SCENE TEN
Later that night, the evening meal. MUM is busily serving dinner. DAD, KIM and KENNY are eating.
KENNY: Choko pickle! Thought I’d never see it again. Any zucchini pie?
MUM: No, everyone’s so busy the garden seems to be neglected.
KENNY: I’ll have a go at it, if you like.
MUM: Oh, would you? That’d be lovely, wouldn’t it, dear?
DAD: Um, yes.
KIM: Dad, can I have some money for the excursion tomorrow? We’re going into town.
DAD: No.
KIM: Only twenty bucks.
DAD: No.
KIM: Why not?
DAD: Because we can’t afford it, that’s why not.
MUM: Of course we can.
DAD: We cannot! I happen to have a campaign to run, in case you hadn’t noticed.
MUM: We noticed, alright!
KENNY: Here you go, little sis, twenty big ones.
KENNY ostentatiously flicks her a twenty-dollar bill.
KIM: Thanks, brother dear.
MUM: Arthur, I’ll need some money to pay the house insurance.
DAD: It’ll have to wait.
MUM: Oh, will it? What if there’s a fire, or something?
DAD: We’re talking about the future of this nation, that’s why I’m standing. Not for personal gain, for the country, for Australia. We all have to make sacrifices.
MUM: Oh, do we? Well, I have my family to consider, and I’m not sacrificing them for anything.
DAD: It’s the big picture that matters …
A.D. enters. She is done up to the nines. The family are stunned.
KIM: Check it out.
KENNY: Wow, A.D.
MUM: Dorothy, you look …
DAD: Ridiculous.
MUM: Lovely.
A.D.: I have my image to consider.
KENNY: Get you a cold one, A.D?
A.D.: No thank you, dear. I’m eschewing alcohol for the duration of the campaign. I may not see eye to eye with Hawke on everything, but I am following his example on this one. I owe it to my constituents.
DAD: The voters will never fall for that.
A.D.: You’re a hypocrite, Arthur.
MUM: More corned meat, anyone?
A.D.: Kenny, I was wondering if you might like to accompany me down to the bowling club tonight? My shout.
KENNY: I’d—
DAD: If you don’t mind, there are a few things I’d like to discuss with my son.
A.D.: But surely, Artie, you have a meeting with your campaign director this evening.
MUM: Yes, dear, wouldn’t do to keep Denise waiting.
DAD: My campaign happens to be in very good shape, and I would like the opportunity to talk to my son.
A.D.: Well, I haven’t the time to procrastinate. I’ve got an election to win.
MUM: You haven’t eaten.
A.D. grabs a handful of food, hungrily tucking into it.
A.D.: No time to let the grass grow, love.
A.D. exits hurriedly.
MUM: Now look, Kenny …
KIM: I’ve got homework to do.
MUM: You can help me clean up first, young lady.
KIM: Oh yeah, okay, Mum.
They do.
DAD: Now look, Kenny, about this, this way you’re dressing and your hair and that beard … I mean you’re, you’re an embarrassment, son.
KENNY: Thanks a lot, Dad.
DAD: No, I mean it. I’m hosting an important party tomorrow night, and I don’t want to give the wrong impression about us.
KENNY: Right. I’ll remember that, Pa.
DAD: What’s happened to you, son?
KENNY: Nothing, I just decided to do what I wanted to do.
DAD: Don’t be absurd, no-one does what they want to do. Look, son. I’ve got a proposition to make.
KENNY: Sounds ominous.
DAD: I want to take you on the campaign trail with me.
KENNY: So does A.D.
DAD: Your aunt’s a lunatic, we all know that. Now, her standing is proving to be a bloody embarrassment, but Denise …
KENNY: Ha!
DAD: My campaign manager, Denise, reckons that if you were to be seen at my side, I’d be damn near unbeatable. People have got long memories around here, Kenny, I’ll get every vote from the football club if you’re with me. There are about fifteen members from there, and that’d ensure me a win, even if your mad aunt stands.
KENNY: I don’t want to sound bipartisan, Father, but you don’t seem to understand. I’m not the person I was.
DAD: Of course, you’ll need to clean yourself up a bit. Got to fly. Don’t forget what I said, I’m relying on you.
DAD goes to leave, then returns with an afterthought.
Oh, great to see you home, boy.
DAD exits, leaving a stunned KENNY.
KENNY: I need some space, this place’s madder than Alice.
He exits ‘to find some space’.
SONG: ‘THERE’S TOO MUCH UNSAID’
MUM: Between a rock and a hard place
That’s what it seems like here nowadays
&nbs
p; What with Kenny and Irene split
There must be pain because of it
Though I see … he shows not a sign
And I fear … there’s too much unsaid
And what my husband is playing at
He’s at the crease, though he’s lost his bat
Could it be … lost virility?
But I fear … there’s too much unsaid
Between a rock and a hard place
That’s what it seems like here nowadays
A family torn, yet on the same side
Caught in the middle and nowhere to hide
I don’t know … where my support should lie
And I fear … there’s too much unsaid
Between a rock and a hard place
That’s what it seems like here nowadays
Between a rock and a hard place
That’s what it seems like here nowadays.
SCENE ELEVEN
At home, the party is in full swing. Outside can be seen the silhouetted figures of the partygoers. There is a lot of chat and laughter. Discreet music. From time to time, a loud male voice can be heard, breaking out above the general hubbub.
MUM and A.D. are inside, preparing salads, etc.
A.D.: Have a go at him, will you, carrying on like a pork chop. Who does he think he is?
MUM: He does seem very pleased with himself.
A.D.: He’ll keep.
DAD pokes his head around the corner. The cat who got the cream.
DAD: Fabulous! How’s the salads going? Marvellous idea, darling, everyone’s having a ball. Couldn’t have wished for a better turnout. Oh, you’re still here are you, Dot? Thought you’d be out campaigning!
A.D.: Oh, good, someone to slice the onions.
DAD: Any nibblies?
MUM hands DAD a plate of snacks.
Thanks, love. Oh, the dress looks … terrific.
He disappears.
MUM: See if we need any more drinks, please, Dot?
A.D.: Do I—?
MUM: Please.
A.D. exits reluctantly, and is almost bowled over by KENNY, looking a little neater.
KENNY: I don’t believe it; this guy was telling me he wanted to ban unions. A Labor supporter wanting to ban trade unions? What’s going down, Ma?
MUM: Don’t you read the papers?
KENNY: Oh, shit no. Not since I hit the road. The media is just a tool for the perpetuation of materialistic values.
MUM: Really?
KENNY: Yeah.
MUM: Take this out, please, dear.
She hands him another plate of nibblies.
It’s all so simple, isn’t it?
KIM rushes in, nearly colliding with KENNY.
KIM: Mum, this guy, what a spunk … you should hear him talk. He’s so smart. And he looks so cool. Gawd, makes Spud look like a chip. You should see his car.