Installing Linux on a Dead Badger (and other Oddities)

by Lucy A. Snyder

  INSTALLING LINUX On A Dead Badger (And Other Oddities)

  Written by Lucy A. Snyder

  and Illustrated by DE Christman and Malcolm McClinton

  Creative Guy Publishing

  Installing Linux on a Dead Badger (and Other Oddities)

  by Lucy A. Snyder

  Illustrated by DE Christman and Malcolm McClinton Copyright ©2007 Lucy Snyder. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any way, except short quotation for the purpose of review, without the express written consent of the author.

  Published by Creative Guy Publishing. www.creativeguypublishing.com CGP-4014

  ISBN-10: 1-894953-48-7

  October 2007 Ebook/Kindle edition Cover design ©2007 Lucy A. Snyder

  Cover and interior artwork (p.73) ©2007 Malcolm McClinton Interior artwork (pp 14, 22, 26, 29, 30, 34, 39, 47, 51, 54, 61, 65, 97) ©2007 DE Christman.

  The illustration on p. 22 incorporates incorporates Tux the Penguin, created by Larry Ewing; he writes “Permission to use and/or modify this image is granted provided you acknowledge me (lewing@isc.tamu.edu and The GIMP) if someone asks…” Mr. Ewing, please consider yourself heartily acknowledged, and warmly thanked.

  All rights reserved.

  Published in Canada.

  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication Snyder, Lucy A., 1971—

  Installing Linux on a Dead Badger : (and Other Oddities) / Lucy A.

  Snyder.

  ISBN 1-894953-48-7

  1. Computers—Humor. 2. Zombies—Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.E4S65 2007 813’.6 C2007-905004-2

  All deft words are dedicated to Linux users around the world.

  All daft words are dedicated to Everything’s hot inner beauty.

  All white space is dedicated to the eye of the beholder.

  Table of Contents

  Installing Linux on a Dead Badger

  Authorities Concerned Over Rise of Teen Linux Gangs

  Your Corporate Network And The Forces Of Darkness

  Faery Cats: The Cutest Killers

  Dead Men Don’t Need Coffee Breaks

  Business Insourcing Offers Life After Death

  Corporate Vampires Sink Teeth Into Business World

  Unemployed Playing Dead To Find Work

  Trolls Gone Wild

  The Great VüDü Linux Teen Zombie Massacree

  Wake Up Naked Monkey You’re Going To Die

  In The Shadow of the Fryolator

  Author’s Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  About the Artists

  Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: User’s Notes

  LET’S FACE IT: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat on a Compaq, his mom’s toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing earns you geek points like installing Linux on a dead badger. So if you really want to earn your wizard hat, just read the following instructions, and soon your friends will think you’re slick as caffeinated soap.

  Minimum Installation Requirements:

  one (1) pocketknife

  one (1) screwdriver, flathead, to install Duppy card (see item 4. below)

  one (1) computer with:

  CD drive

  USB, Ethernet, or a free slot for wireless networking card

  Telnet or SSH client installed

  cyberspiritual controller program such as FleshGolem (Mac OS X and Linux), Phranken FleshGolem (Mac OS X and Linux), Phranken 9.x and Amiga)

  one (1) Duppy card (available in CardBus and PCI models) or SpiritInTheSky external adapter (available in ethernet and USB models

  VüDü Linux (available from Twisted Faces Software)

  minimum 3’ x 3’ (1m x 1m) fireproof surface, in secure, ventilated area

  privacy

  one (1) dead badger, good condition

  Optional Installation Requirements:

  one (1) gallon of holy water ( Bless! brand exorcise water is ideal) in a silver or silver-plated bucket

  one (1) pair latex gloves

  one (1) fluid ounce of flea-killing shampoo such as Ecto-Soothe or Mycodex

  running water and a large sink or washtub

  The following test installation was conducted on the concrete floor of the garage of a detached single-story house, on unconsecrated ground, using a 400MHz clamshell iBook, and began shortly after local sunset.

  Step 1: Find a suitable badger. Specimens from zoos are ideal, but suitable badgers can be found as roadkill along highways in many parts of North America, the British Isles, continental Europe, Asia, and parts of Africa.

  Other animals of family Mustelidae and Vombatidae can be used in place of a badger, but an adapter may be required. See Appendix I for details.

  Step 2: Once you have obtained a dead badger, check it carefully for structural damage, particularly in the spine, skull, and legs. Dead badgers do not heal, and a badger with broken legs will display limited mobility. Brain and spinal cord damage is likely to interfere with the Linux installation and render any successfullyinstalled system unstable, as well as voiding all explicit and implicit warranties according to the laws of any and every state, country, or alternate dimension, present or future.

  As a precaution against infection, wear latex gloves at all times when handling your dead badger. It is highly recommended that you wash the carcass with a suitable flea-killing shampoo.

  Step 3: Obtain a copy of FleshGolem or other cyberspiritual controller program. This test was conducted with a copy of FleshGolem downloaded from the Apple site’s utilities section. Follow all installation instructions carefully, including addenda in the readme.txt file.

  All cyberspiritual controllers should be compatible with either Duppy cards or SpiritInTheSky adapters.

  Step 4: Insert Duppy card or attach external SpiritInTheSky adapter. Duppy cards work best if you’re using a Mac with an Airport slot; response on the external SpiritInTheSky adapter may be sluggish. Further notes below apply only to Duppy card installation on the test iBook used.

  The card has a hinged lid and a clear cover over what looks like a small, shallow ivory box. Open and place a small amount of hair and blood from the badger in the compartment, then close the cover, being careful not to let stray hairs stick out of the compartment. Install card into Airport slot by unlatching the small white tabs at the top of the keyboard, lifting keyboard assembly off (being careful of the wires), and inserting card into slot.

  Step 5: Install Duppy card security antenna (included with card) in badger. Badgers may be run without security antennas, but this is not recommended. Insecure badgers may be hacked by anyone with a compatible card and badger bits. Each Duppy card/ antenna system is uniquely coded so that a properly installed system will allow only the original user to run the badger.

  To install antenna, make a small incision with the pocketknife at the nape of the badger’s neck. Insert the antenna down the badger’s back under the hide. Antenna must lie as flat as possible along the spine, or security will be suboptimal. Antenna may also be installed by cutting the badger’s back skin open, but requires post-installation stitchery to restore structural integrity; this method is recommended for licensed taxidermists only.

  Step 6: Install your badger’s operating system. VüDü is the preferred Linux distribution for badgers and related species (see Step 1). This distro was designed by German software engineers who contributed to the SuSE project before they started up Twisted Faces Software in Jamaica. An alternative distribution is Pooka, which is available for download at SoulForge.net. However, there is no alpha build
for MacOS and Amiga, and some Windows NT users have found that the Harvey utilities built into Pooka may cause sudden, unpredictable invisibility issues.

  VüDü Tech Tips

  Default partitioning: root goes in the spinal cord and brain stem, swap and soul go on the left hemisphere of the brain, and usr, var, and home go on the right. If you’re working with a badger with damage to one of those areas, you can repartition one or the other brain hemisphere, but as noted in Step 2, using a brain-damaged badger is not recommended and may interfere with successful installation.

  System configuration information and the spiritual components of the package come on a small, rolledup piece of parchment. Space is available to write in a password, as well as any auxiliary programs like NecroNull. The VüDü package comes with two scrolls, but a Santeria, Vodoun, Wiccan, or Catholic priest or priestess who has undergone Twisted Faces’ scrollmaking training can also provide suitably blessed parchments. Check the VüDü home page to find a qualified cleric in your area.

  When modifying the scroll, be sure to use chicken bloodbased ink, and write neatly. Various languages may be used on the scroll – VüDü is written in SoulScript, but successful modifications have been made in Latin, Hebrew, and Enochian. Further modifications can be made by Telnetting or SSHing into your badger later; start only with essential information. After finishing modifications, roll up the scroll and stick it down the badger’s throat, all the way into the stomach. Use a screwdriver or pencil to get it all the way in.

  Step 7: Install VüDü itself. In the package, there will be a large square of herbscented paper. This is the entire code for VüDü. Fold this paper into an origami shape resembling the animal you’re installing VüDü on (see also Appendix II). There are folding directions for common animals in the box. Make a hollow inside your paper badger and add a little more blood and hair from your animal.

  Don’t lose the paper; replacements are expensive. There are recipes for homemade paper on the Web, but getting all the information correctly transcribed is a huge task, as this must be handwritten. Furthermore, the requirements of herb collecting, drying, and curing are formidable.

  Step 8: Invocation/boot procedures. Place badger in center of fireproof surface, making sure ventilation is adequate and all doors are locked. Turn off all cell phones and pagers, and cease using all other unapproved electronic devices. Using the badger’s blood, smear a foot-wide pentagram around its body. Place origami code-badger at the top point of pentagram, and light paper while making the boot incantation:

  Suse vivo vixi victum reduco is ea id creatura absit decessus a facultas Linux!

  Dev root, dev root!

  The paper should burn with green flames. Black or gray means the herbs were improperly prepared. Purple flames indicate kernel panic; douse the flames with the bucket of holy water and abandon installation site immediately. Seek shelter at the nearest church or other consecrated area. You may need to enlist the assistance of an exorcist if you cannot reach shelter in time.

  When you produce green smoke, it should flow over the badger and into its mouth and nose. The badger will awaken as a Linux-powered zombie. Enjoy your new undead badger.

  Common Problems

  Reanimation often results in animals that are in a highly aggressive, agitated state. It is highly recommended to have the computer close at hand during the incantation.

  If the badger isn’t responding correctly, you may need to make some configuration adjustments via Telnet; instructions are in the VüDü manual.

  If the badger does not respond at all to the boot incantation, call Twisted Faces’ tech support. Make sure to try all other troubleshooting options first. After two free calls, tech support will cost you an arm and a leg … and they’ll only accept fresh, gangrenefree limbs.

  DISCLAIMER: No badgers or Macintoshes were harmed in the course of this test installation. Your results may vary. Please note that zombie badgers are banned in California and Wisconsin; zombie badgers must remain leashed at all times in Texas. Zombie badgers can move at great speeds, and are prone to sudden acceleration; use proper caution when driving your zombie badger. Do not allow your zombie badger to consume mushrooms or African snakes, or your badger may emit catchy techno music. Do not taunt zombie badgers. Prolonged use of a zombie badger may cause acne, insomnia, leprosy, unusual weather, or the end of time. Please dispose of your zombie badgers properly; consult your local recycling company for proper disposal protocols.

  Installing Linux on a Dead Badger: Appendix I

  THE TECHNIQUES DESCRIBED in this article may be used to install Linux on various species of badgers; the following species are directly supported by Twisted Faces:

  American Badger, Taxidea taxus

  Honey Badger, Mellivora capensis

  Hog Badger, Arctonyx collaris

  Ferret Badgers, Melogale spp.

  Eurasian Badger, Meles meles

  Javan Stink Badger, Mydaus javanensis

  With the aid of a WeezWhiz adapter (available from and supported solely by Handwavium Technologies), users may alternatively install Linux on other members of families Mustelidae and Vombatidae. Twisted Faces will not support installations on adapted animals:

  Northern River Otter, Lontra Canadensis

  Sea Otter, Enhydra lutris

  Maxwell’s Otter, Lutrogale perspicillata maxwelli

  European Otter, Lutra lutra

  Giant Otter, Pteronura brasiliensis

  Tayra, Eira barbara

  Grisón, Galictis spp.

  Wolverine, Gulo gulo

  Striped Polecat, Ictonyx striatus

  Martens, Martes spp.

  Weasels, Ferrets, Minks, and Stoats, Mustela spp.

  Common Wombat, Vombatus ursinus

  Hairy-nosed Wombat, Lasiorhinus spp.

  Linux may also be installed on metaphoric badgers with the aid of Handwavium’s VüDü Doll series adapters. As above, Twisted Faces will not provide tech support in the event of problems. Handwavium provides limited support for installations on the following types of metaphoric badgers:

  small yappy dogs

  verbally demanding spouses

  Wisconsin natives

  non-native students, faculty and staff of the University of Wisconsin

  Tony Kaye, David Foster, Brian Parrish, Roy Dyke, Kim Gardner, Paul Pilnick, and Jackie Lomax

  Please note that while zombie otters, weasels, and wombats are legal in some Wisconsin municipalities, actual and metaphoric zombie badgers are currently illegal to possess or create throughout the state. Combat wombats are illegal in Washington state. Human and spousal installation is widely forbidden throughout the U.S. Handwavium and Twisted Faces both state that they are not responsible for personal or spiritual difficulties arising from the use of their software or adapters in illegal installations.

  Authorities Concerned Over Rise of Teen Linux Gangs

  Boston, MA – On Friday evenings, scruffy bands of teenagers gather in alleys behind Micro Centers, Best Buys, and Apple Stores across the country. Going by names like “Team Mayhem” and “The Pipes,” the Bawls-swigging teens trade Linux installation advice, brag about their video game prowess, and sneer at authorities.

  “We’re very concerned about what these kids are doing in their spare time,” says FBI spokesman Mark Brasslathe. “Just a few years ago, they would have been safe in their parents’ basements with their PlayStations, but cybermancy has changed all that. Now they’re fast becoming a threat to the public welfare.”

  One young Linux gangster, who goes by the name “Retinoid,” agrees that cyberspiritual technologies have radically changed the teen geek community.

  “Two years ago, I installed Linux on my first dead badger,” says Retinoid, who sports an orange Tux Penguin tee shirt that marks him as a member of The Pipes. “It was just wicked cool. We ran a warez FTP site off it and everything. But trying to run a game server on it was slower than an ice cream truck. So we thought, why not make a badger network cluster for dist
ributed processes?”

  Retinoid and his friends were initially stumped when they couldn’t find another badger.

  “But then my kid sister’s pet Chihuahua got killed by our neighbor’s cat, and we were like, ‘Why not?’” Retinoid says. “Turns out Linux will install on damn near anything as long as you know how to hack the code. We programmed little ChiChi to sing along to Kid Rock MP3s, and we took him with us to our next LAN party. Everyone loved it!”

  Retinoid and gangmate “Pork_Sashimi” spent that summer building a redundant array of reanimated roadkill (RARR).

  “The RARR was totally kick-ass,” says Pork_Sashimi. “We had it serving up deathmatches and movies all day and night. Later on, we put an eyecam video interface on a dead possum, and we were able to remote control it into the ductwork of this sorority house down the street. Yeah, baby!”

  Sixteen-year-old “DoomBarbie” says she met Pork_Sashimi in an online chat room. “He was all sexist and stuff, and he kept asking me to send him JPEGs of myself with my shirt off. He even traced my IP address and sent the Pussy Possum to my house. Can you believe it?

  “But I totally got him back,” she adds. “I hacked his possum and got some very funny QuickTime footage of his mom yelling at him about leaving dead animals in the garage.”

  DoomBarbie posted the footage on her Xanga site, fully expecting the war to escalate. “But then Pork_Sashimi totally apologized to me! He admitted he got what he deserved and said he was sorry for acting like an idiot. How often does that happen on teh Intarweb?”

  Impressed with her hacking skills, Pork_Sashimi recruited DoomBarbie for The Pipes. Her presence soon put a stop to their virtual voyeurism.

  “It’s not that I mind pr0n or anything,” she says. “But they were all oohing and ahhing over this grainyass footage they got from a rat they sent into a strip bar, and I just started going off on the fake boobies. I was all like, ‘That one’s fake, and so’s that one, and you can even see that scar on that one!’ I guess it wasn’t so much fun for them after that.”

  However, larger crimes loomed on their horizon when 23-year-old MIT dropout Dr. Hoonboi joined the group and took over as leader.

  “The hackers love me ‘cause they know that I can code,” says Dr. Hoonboi. “These kids, they had all the potential, but they were wasting it ‘til I came along.”