Love You More: A Novel

by Lisa Gardner

  “You left Sophie with a stranger for the entire day—”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. It was already eight. I figured you’d be home at any time.”

  “I worked till after one. And I’d still be working, except Mrs. Ennis called dispatch and had them emergency page me.”

  Brian paled and stopped fiddling with his boots. “Uh-oh.”

  “No kidding!”

  “Okay. Okay. Yes. Definitely. Not calling Mrs. Ennis was a first-class fuckup. I’m sorry, Tessa. I’ll call Mrs. Ennis in the morning and apologize.”

  “You don’t know how scared I was,” I had to state.

  He didn’t speak.

  “The whole way … driving here. Have you ever held an infant’s skull in your hands, Brian?”

  He didn’t speak.

  “It’s like cradling rose petals. The unfused segments are so paper thin you can see through them, so light that if you exhale, they’ll blow out of your cupped hands. These are the things I know, Brian. These are the things I can’t forget. Which means, you don’t screw up with a woman like me, Brian. You don’t hand over my kid to a stranger, you don’t ditch my daughter just so you can get out to play. You guard Sophie. Or you get the hell out of our lives. Are we clear on that?”

  “I screwed up,” he replied levelly. “I get that. Is Sophie all right?”

  “Yes—”

  “Did she like Sarah?”

  “Apparently—”

  “And you called Mrs. Ennis?”

  “Of course!”

  “Then at least things turned out all right in the end.” He returned to his boots.

  I crossed the kitchen so fast I nearly caught flight. “You married me!” I screamed at my new husband. “You chose me. You chose Sophie. How dare you fail us!”

  “It was a phone call, Tessa. And yes, I will try to do better next time.”

  “I thought you’d died! I thought Sophie had died!”

  “Well, yeah, then isn’t it good that I’m finally home?”

  “Brian!”

  “I know I screwed up!” He finally gave up on his boots, throwing his hands in the air. “I’m new at this! I’ve never had a wife and daughter before, and just because I love you doesn’t mean I’m not sometimes stupid. For chrissake, Tessa … I’m about to ship out again. I just wanted one last day of fun. Fresh snow. Powder skiing …” He inhaled. Exhaled. Stood up.

  “Tessa,” he said more quietly. “I would never intentionally hurt you or Sophie. I love you both. And I promise to do better next time. Have a little faith, okay? We’re both new at this and we’re bound to make some mistakes, so please … Have a little faith.”

  My shoulders sagged. The fight left me. I let go of my anger long enough to feel the relief that my daughter was okay, my husband was safe, and the afternoon had worked out in the end.

  Brian pulled me against his chest. I allowed his embrace. I even slid my arms around his waist.

  “Be careful, Brian,” I whispered against his shoulder. “Remember, I’m not like other women.”

  For a change, he didn’t argue.

  I remembered this moment of my marriage, and others, as the nurse stood back and gestured for me to take my first awkward step. I’d managed to eat dry toast at six a.m. without throwing up. At seven-thirty, they’d moved me to the chair next to my bed to see how I’d do sitting up.

  The pain inside my skull had flared the first few minutes, then settled into a dull roar. Half of my face remained swollen and tender, my legs felt shaky, but overall, I’d made progress in the past twelve hours. I could stand, sit, and eat dry toast. World, look out.

  I wanted to run, madly, desperately, out of the hospital, where by some miracle I would find Sophie standing on the sidewalk waiting for me. I would swing her into my arms. Mommy she would cry happily. And I would hug her and kiss her and tell her how sorry I was for everything and never let her go.

  “All right,” the nurse said crisply. “First step, let’s give it a whirl.”

  She offered her arm for balance. My knees trembled violently, and I placed a grateful hand on her arm.

  That first shuffling step made my head swim. I blinked my eyes several times, and the disorientation passed. Up was up, down was down. Progress.

  I inched forward, tiny little hiccups of my feet that slowly but surely took me across the gray linoleum, closer and closer to the bathroom. Then I was inside, gently shutting the door behind me. The nurse had supplied toiletries for showering. Second test of the day—seeing if I could pee and shower on my own. Then the doctor would examine me again.

  Then, maybe, just maybe, I could go home.

  Sophie. Sitting on the floor of her room, surrounded by painted bunnies and bright orange flowers, playing with her favorite raggedy-haired doll. Mommy, you’re home! Mommy, I love you!

  I stood at the sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror.

  The flesh around my eye was so black and engorged with blood, it looked like an eggplant. I could barely make out the bridge of my nose, or the top line of my eyebrow. I thought of those scenes in the early Rocky movies, where they’d razor-opened his swollen flesh just so he could see. I might have to give it a try. Day was still young.

  My fingers traveled from my black eye, to the laceration two inches above it, the scab just now forming, pulling at the roots of my hair. Then I reached around to the prominent lump still protruding from the back of my skull. It felt hot and tender to the touch. I let my hand fall away, holding on to the edge of the sink instead.

  Eight a.m. Monday morning.

  The autopsy would’ve started an hour ago. The Y-incision down my husband’s chest. Cracking apart his ribs. Fishing out three slugs fired from the 9mm Sig Sauer bearing my fingerprints. Then the sound of the saw as they began to remove the top of his skull.

  Eight a.m. Monday morning …

  I thought again of all the moments I’d like to have back. Places I should’ve said yes, times I should’ve said no. Then Brian would be alive, maybe waxing his skis for his next big adventure. And Sophie would be home, playing on the floor of her room, Gertrude nestled beside her, waiting for me.

  Eight a.m. Monday morning …

  “Hurry up, D.D. and Bobby,” I murmured. “My daughter needs you.”

  17

  Thanks to the wonder of GPS, Bobby identified Brian Darby’s gym on his second try. He simply put in Darby’s address, then searched for nearby gyms. Half a dozen popped up. Bobby started with the location closest to Brian’s house and worked his way out. A national chain turned out to be the winner. Bobby drove there in thirty minutes, and was meeting with Brian’s personal trainer eight minutes after that.

  “Saw the news,” the petite, dark-haired woman said, already looking worried. Bobby was trying to size her up. She appeared about five feet tall and ninety pounds, more gymnast than trainer. Then she twisted both her hands in an anxious gesture, and half a dozen tendons snaked to life in her forearms.

  He revised his initial opinion of Jessica Ryan—tiny, but dangerous. Mini-hulk.

  She’d been working out with some middle-aged man sporting a hundred dollar workout shirt and four hundred dollar haircut when Bobby had arrived. When Bobby first approached, Jessica had pointedly given him a cold shoulder, focusing on her obviously well-paying customer. Bobby had flashed his creds, however, and that quickly, Jessica with the tight pink T-shirt and sparkling purple nails was his.

  Her disappointed client got to finish his workout with some kid whose neck was bigger than Bobby’s thigh. Bobby and Jessica retreated to the employee break room, where Jessica quickly shut the door.

  “Is he really dead?” Jessica asked now, biting her lower lip.

  “I’m here regarding Brian Darby’s death,” Bobby stated.

  “And his little girl? They’ve been showing her picture all over the news. Sophie, right? Have you found her yet?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  Jessica’s big brown eyes welled up. For the second time in the
past hour, Bobby was happy he’d left D.D. to work on his own. The first time, because it was either walk away from her or strangle her. Now because there was no way D.D. would’ve played well with a doe-eyed female trainer prone to glistening tears and hot pink micro-shorts.

  Being a happily married man, Bobby was making it a point not to study the micro-shorts or the tight T-shirt. So far, that left him staring at the personal trainer’s extremely well-sculpted bicep.

  “What do you bench-press?” he heard himself ask.

  “One thirty-five,” Jessica replied easily, still dabbing at the corners of her eyes.

  “What’s that? Twice your weight?”

  She blushed.

  He realized he’d basically just flirted and shut up. Maybe he shouldn’t have left D.D. Maybe no man, happily married or not, should be sequestered alone with a woman like Jessica Ryan. Which made him wonder if Tessa Leoni had ever met Jessica Ryan. Which made him wonder how Brian Darby had ever lived past the first week of fitness training.

  Bobby cleared his throat, took out his spiral notepad and a mini-recorder. He turned on the recorder and placed it on the counter next to the microwave.

  “Have you met Sophie?” he asked his interview subject.

  “Once. School was canceled so Brian brought her in with him for his workout. She seemed really sweet; she found a set of one pound hand weights and carried them around, mimicking all of Brian’s exercises.”

  “Brian works out solely with you?”

  “I’m his primary personal trainer,” Jessica said with a touch of pride. “Sometimes, however, our schedules don’t mix, then another trainer might fill in for me.”

  “And how long has Brian been working out with you?”

  “Oh, nearly a year. Well, maybe closer to nine months.”

  “Nine months?” Bobby made a note.

  “He’s done great!” Jessica gushed. “One of my best clients. His goal was to bulk up. So the first three months I put him on this wicked hard diet. Eliminated his fats and salts and carbs—and he’s one of those guys that really loves his refined carbs, too. French toast for breakfast, hoagies for lunch, mashed potatoes for dinner, and a bag of cookies for dessert. Let me tell you, I didn’t think he was going to make it through the first two weeks. But once he got his system cleaned out and reset, then we started the next stage: For the past six months, he’s been following this regimen I developed from my fitness competitions—”

  “Fitness competitions?”

  “Yes. Miss Fit New England, four years running.” Jessica flashed him a white smile. “It’s my passion.”

  Bobby tore his gaze away from her tanned, toned bicep and returned it to his notebook.

  “So I gave Brian a week by week diet of six high-protein meals a day,” Jessica continued perkily. “We’re talking thirty grams of protein per meal, consumed every two to three hours. It’s a big commitment of time and resources, but he did awesome! Then I added in a fitness regimen of sixty minutes of cardio followed by sixty minutes of heavy weights.”

  “Every day?” Bobby ran. Or had run, before Carina was born. He shifted his notepad two inches lower, in front of his waistline, which come to think about it, had been a bit tight this morning.

  “Cardio five to seven times a week, strength training five times a week. And I introduced him to hundreds. He was great at hundreds!”

  “Hundreds?”

  “Lower weight, but higher rep, to see if you can hit a hundred. If we do it right, you can’t on the first try, but continue training, then four weeks later, try again. In the first two months, Brian nailed all his hundreds, forcing me to bump up his weights. Really, amazing results. I mean, not for nothing, but most of my clients talk a good game. Brian was delivering the goods.”

  “He appeared to have put on a fair amount of weight in the past year,” Bobby commented.

  “He put on a fair amount of muscle,” Jessica corrected immediately. “Three inches to his arms alone. We took measurements every two weeks if you want them. Of course, his work schedule means we missed months at a time, but he kept on track.”

  “You mean when he shipped out as a merchant marine?”

  “Yeah. He’d disappear for two months at a time. First trip out, totally wrecked him. Lost most of what we’d done. Second time, I prepared an entire program for him to follow, including diet, cardio, and weights. I got a list of all the equipment available on the ship, and tailored it perfectly, so he’d have no excuses. He did much better.”

  “So Brian was working hard with you when he was here and hard on the ship when he went away. Any reason he was working so hard?”

  Jessica shrugged. “To look better. To feel better. He was an active guy. When we first started, he wanted to improve his fitness so he could tackle some bigger mountains skiing, biking, that sort of thing. He was active, but thought he should be stronger. We took it from there.”

  Bobby set down his notepad, regarded her for a moment. “So Brian wants to improve his skiing and biking. And in order to do that, he’s spending how much money a week …?” He waved his hand around the well-kept room in an obviously well-equipped gym.

  “Couple hundred,” Jessica said. “But there’s no price tag for good health!”

  “Two hundred a week. And how many hours of training, grocery shopping, food prep …”

  “You gotta commit if you want results,” Jessica informed him.

  “Brian committed. Brian got results. Brian was still following the program. Why? What’s he looking for? Forty pounds of muscle later, what was he lacking?”

  Jessica regarded him curiously. “He wasn’t still trying to bulk up. However, Brian’s not naturally a big guy. When a … smaller man …”

  On behalf of men everywhere, Bobby winced.

  “When a smaller man wants to maintain bigger results, he has to keep working. That’s the truth. High protein, big weights, day after day. Otherwise, his body is going to return to its preferred size, which in Brian’s case was closer to one eighty, not two twenty.”

  Bobby considered that information, which, as a smaller guy, wasn’t great to hear.

  “Sounds like a lot of work,” he said at last. “Not easy for anyone to maintain, let alone a working parent. Time to time, I bet Brian’s schedule got a little busy, his hours squeezed. He ever … seek additional assistance?”

  Jessica furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

  “Products to aid his speed/ability to add muscle?”

  Jessica frowned harder; then, she got it. “You mean steroids.”

  “I’m curious.”

  Immediately, she shook her head. “I’m not down with that. If I thought he was juicing up, I’d quit. Screw the two hundred a week. I dated a guy into ’roids. No way I’d go down that road again.”

  “You were dating Brian?”

  “No! I didn’t mean that. I mean associating with someone abusing steroids. It makes people crazy. The stuff you see on the news—it’s not a lie.”

  Bobby regarded her levelly. “And for your own training?”

  She met his gaze just as levelly. “Sweat and tears, baby. Sweat and tears.”

  Bobby nodded. “So you’re not a proponent of steroids—”

  “No!”

  “But what about other trainers in the gym? Or even outside the gym. Brian got some great results very fast. How sure are you that it was all his sweat and tears?”

  Jessica didn’t answer right away. She chewed her lower lip again, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “I don’t think so,” she said at last. “But I couldn’t swear to it. Something was going on with Brian. He just got back into town three weeks ago, and this time around … He was moody. Dark. Something was on his mind.”

  “You ever meet his wife?”

  “The state trooper? No.”

  “But he talked about her.”

  Jessica shrugged. “They all do.”

  “They?”

  “Clients. I don’t know, being a
trainer is like being a hairdresser. The ministers of the grooming services sector. Clients talk. We listen. It’s half our job.”

  “So what did Brian say?”

  Jessica shrugged, obviously uncomfortable again.

  “He’s dead, Jessica. Killed in his own home. Help me understand why Brian Darby embarked on a major self-improvement program and it still wasn’t enough to save him.”

  “He loved her,” Jessica whispered.

  “Who?”

  “Brian loved his wife. Genuinely, deeply, soulfully. I’d kill for a man to love me like that.”

  “Brian loved Tessa.”

  “Yeah. And he wanted to be stronger for her. For her and Sophie. He needed to be a big man, he used to joke, because guarding two females was four times the work.”

  “Guarding?” Bobby asked with a frown.

  “Yeah. That’s the word he’d used. Guess he’d screwed up once and Tessa had gotten on his case. Sophie was to be guarded. He took it seriously.”

  “You ever sleep with Brian?” Bobby asked suddenly.

  “No. I don’t screw around with my clients.” She shot him a look. “Asshole,” she muttered.

  Bobby flashed his creds again. “That would be ‘Detective Asshole’ to you.”

  Jessica merely shrugged.

  “Tessa screw around on Brian? Maybe he discovered something, helped spark his quest to become a bigger man.”

  “Not that he ever said. Though …” She paused. “No guy is gonna admit that to a girl. Especially a pretty one like me. Come on, that’s like saying, I’m a miserable weenie, up front. Guys make you find that out for yourself.”

  Bobby couldn’t argue with that logic. “But Brian didn’t think his wife loved him.”

  That hesitation again. “I don’t know. I got the impression … Tessa’s a state trooper, right? A police officer. Kind of sounded like she was tough. Things were her way or the highway. Brian jumped through a lot of hoops. Didn’t mean, however, she thought he was the greatest guy on God’s green earth. Just meant she expected him to jump through a lot of hoops, especially when it came to Sophie.”

  “She had a lot of rules regarding her daughter?”