The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  “Or we’ll just pick up where we left off.” Olivia winks at me and manages to make me smile. We’re back to normal.

  “Can we all fit in your truck, Nash?” Olivia asks.

  “Yeah. It will be a little tight, but we’ll fit. All of the gear is in the back anyway.”

  “Okay, let’s go. You two can introduce me to your hiking world.” Olivia takes off toward the front door.

  I step to Nash’s side. “Sorry, she can be a lot to take.”

  “It’s okay. I’m glad she’s here for you.”

  “Me too…I’m glad you’re here, too.” I never would have asked him, but having him here is more comforting than I would have imagined. “I need you to take me to the cemetery before we go. Do you know where Ashland Memorial Park is?” I ask. I watch as the color drains from his face. I reach over and touch his arm. “You okay?”

  “Jeff is at Ashland?”

  “Yeah. Have you been there before?” I watch him as his eyes drift away from mine. “Nash?”

  He continues to stare at the floor. “Jen, there’s something that I need to tell you…but not today, okay?”

  I’m about to ask him to tell me now when we hear a car horn. “She’s so impatient.” I stare out the front door as I struggle to put one foot in front of the other. But I made a promise, and it’s something I need to do.

  The shock of Nash’s hand grabbing mine throws me off balance. “Take your time. She can wait. But just remember, we’re both here for you.”

  I squeeze back as I feel the tears form in my eyes. I whisper, “I can’t believe it’s been a year. In some ways, it feels like yesterday and in others…” My voice trails off. I squeeze his hand again, and I feel a tear trail down my cheek. “And in other ways, it feels like he’s been gone forever.” I’m barely whispering, and my voice is shaky, but Nash threads his fingers through mine so I know he heard me. “There are things I’m starting to forget about him…”

  I then feel the heat radiating from his body as he leans over and brushes his thumb over my cheek and wipes away a tear. “You’ll never forget him Jen, you know that. But that’s a part of grief. You’ll never move forward if every memory remains vivid in your mind.”

  “I’m not ready to move forward.”

  “Maybe not today, but someday.”

  More tears fall. “I’m still not sure I want that.” I’m caught between two worlds, one world where the guilt and grief hold onto me so tight that everything reminds me of him, of what we had, of what we lost. But I don’t want to live in that world. It’s too hard, too painful and as scary as it is, life goes on. They’re gone, but I’m still here, and everyone keeps telling me I don’t have a choice but to move forward. I just don’t know how.

  I glance at Nash and see that his eyes are also full of tears. He clears his throat, and then slowly releases my hand and moves it to the small of my back. “Let’s go. It will do you good to get out.”

  I don’t move until Nash’s hand pushes me forward, forcing me to take that next step. I walk out the front door and see Olivia leaning against the passenger side door. She puts out her arms and I walk into them. I climb into the truck next to Nash and wait as Olivia slides in next to me. I’m thankful she’s here for me to lean on, even though she can be a pain in the ass.

  Chapter 25

  The three of us are silent as we drive. After sniffling a few times, Olivia’s hand finds mine. I grab onto it, having second thoughts about going to the cemetery. But before I can vocalize it, Nash turns into the cemetery and stops. “Jen, which way am I going?”

  I shift in my seat and look at the cemetery. I don’t know. My parents and Jeff’s family picked out the plot, and since I didn’t attend the funeral, I have no idea where he is. Where they are. I place my face in my hands and start to cry. How can I not know the final resting place of my husband and child?

  Olivia wraps her arms around me and pulls me to her. “Parker, stop. Take a deep breath.” I try and do what she says, but I can’t seem to focus on anything. “Again.” I feel the air enter my lungs, and then release, and enter and release. I pull away from Olivia, and Nash is holding a tissue for me. I look at him after grabbing it and see tears in his eyes again. I’ve never seen him so somber. I stare at him for a few moments before he looks away.

  I wipe my tears and take a deep breath.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Olivia asks. “We can come back another time.”

  I shake my head. “No. We’re already here.” Nash is still turned away from me, looking out his side window. “Nash, can you take me to the office so I can find…” I’m not able to finish that sentence. There is a reason my parents and Jeff’s family had to do this. I wasn’t strong enough.

  He turns to face me, but before he can respond Olivia says, “I know where they are.” Her voice hitches but she continues. “Go straight and take a right. Past the grotto.”

  I feel the truck shift beneath us as we move down the narrow path, further into the cemetery. I look down seeing that Nash is holding my left hand and Olivia is holding my right. I’m not sure if I grabbed on to them or they grabbed on to me, but either way, I’m thankful to be drawing strength from them.

  The truck stops, and I look to Olivia. She’s looking out her side window, and then she looks at me with tears in her eyes. Olivia never cries. In the twenty plus years I’ve known her, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen her cry. “Top of the hill, on the right.” I barely hear her because she’s speaking so quietly. “Your mom told me they would be able to watch the sunset…together.” It’s a beautiful thought. Or it would be if she wasn’t talking about my husband and child.

  At the top of the hill, I see green grass, coral blooms on trees, and a statue of a woman, cloaked in cloth and flanked by wings. She’s perched on top of a square pedestal that raises her far above the headstones that surround her. Neither Olivia nor Nash have moved. Almost as if they’re trying to protect me from what awaits. But no one can protect me. This is something that I have do. I grab Nash’s arm.

  “Remember the first day we met, and you told me there wasn’t a way out…only a way through?” My eyes gaze out the front window.

  I hear his door open and feel him shift next to me. I look to my left and see him standing with his hand outstretched toward me. I take it, and his strength pulls me out. We walk to the front of the truck, and Olivia joins us. I want nothing more than to take both of their hands and have them escort me to the gravesite. But this is about my family, and it’s something I have to do alone.

  I let go of Nash’s hand, grab Olivia’s for a split second, squeeze and then release it. “Give me a few minutes, okay?”

  “Sure, take your time. We’ll be right here,” Olivia says. I don’t turn around. If I do, I might stop. Now that I have forward motion, I have to keep going.

  I crisscross around headstones, while my heart beats rapidly in my chest. I make my way up the hill. Olivia didn’t tell me which one it was exactly, but it doesn’t take me long to see the name “Landry” on top of an arched headstone. It’s steel in color, and so shiny I can see the reflection of other headstones in it. Underneath our name it says, “In loving memory of Jeff and Baby Landry. Joined together for eternity. Gone, but forever in our hearts.” I walk closer and then fall to my knees. I raise my hand in front of me and my fingers drift along the cool, slick surface.

  As my fingers roam over “Baby Landry” my heart stops. I remember Jeff. I know what his voice sounded like, I know what he smelled like, I know what made him laugh, made him tick. I know how much he loved me and me him. But I know nothing about our baby. I don’t know if they would have been the creative type, the one with a quick wit and sarcastic sense of humor, the competitive athlete or the boisterous extrovert. I don’t even know if they were a boy or a girl. That’s the real tragedy. I have nothing of my baby to hold on to. It’s almost as if they never existed, but they did, and I know they did because there is a hole in my heart that will never
be filled. I’ll never know what their voice sounded like, what they smelled like, what made them laugh or what they were passionate about. And they’ll never know how much we loved them. We knew they were a part of us and we already loved them, unconditionally.

  I hear leaves rustling behind me. I turn and find Olivia walking toward me. She sits down next to me and grabs my hand. We both stare ahead, lost in thought. Minutes pass before either of us says anything.

  “You know they’re together, right?” she asks.

  I wipe away my tears and nod. “It’s a beautiful spot.”

  “I’m glad you like it. Your mom was a mess that day. And Jeff’s mom wasn’t much help. Megan and I were the ones who made the final decision.”

  I turn to her. “You and Megan?”

  “Yeah. It was a little awkward. We hadn’t seen each other since we were bridesmaids in your wedding. But she handled it well considering she had just lost her brother.”

  “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For doing that. I guess I never thought about that stuff. I was too consumed with what was going on with me that I haven’t thought about everyone else and what they lost. I’ve pushed everyone away.”

  “Don’t do that. They know, okay? They get it.”

  “But at some point, I’m going to have to reach out to them. I cut everyone out of my life.” Olivia stands and then gives her hand and helps me up. She wraps her arm around my waist and we turn and walk back toward the truck. I silently thank her because I didn’t know how to put one foot in front of the other in order to leave them both behind. She’s knows me better than I give her credit.

  “Yeah, but you know how people deal with death. I mean, I’m sure they still care and think about you, but they’re probably relieved they don’t have to do the whole awkward grieving widow thing.” I stop and gape at her. “What? Too soon?”

  I roll my eyes and keep walking. I hear her mutter “sorry” as we continue to walk.

  I sigh. “I know what you mean. The first few months after I got home from the hospital, people would come by and my mom would let them in.”

  She shakes her head. “Of course she would.”

  “And all of the conversations would start the same way, ‘I’m sorry. He was a great man’. Blah, blah, blah. Like I needed them telling me he was a great man. I was the one who married him.” I sigh again, and my pace slows. I look over my shoulder and glance at the headstone one more time before walking away. “They all finally gave up. Well, except Julia.”

  “Oh, Jeff’s best friend Julia. How I’ve missed her.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “You never did like her.”

  “Hey man, I was fine with her until the day of the wedding when she started encroaching on my Maid of Honor duties.”

  “She was just trying to help.”

  “She was meddling, as usual. To be honest with you, I never understood their relationship. I don’t believe men and women can be friends. Either sex has already gotten in the way, or someone wants it to get in the way, or it gets there on its own.”

  “Stop. It wasn’t like that and you know it.”

  “I guess, but you have to admit, you never liked her either.”

  She was never a real threat to our relationship but we never hung out unless Jeff was with me. “Disliked is a strong word. She’s a good person, we just never became good friends.”

  “Have you heard from her lately?”

  “Nope, not since the night of the intervention.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to defend you. I didn’t really think your mother meant an intervention. I didn’t know she would invite everyone you know and corner you.”

  “Me either. At least after that they all backed off. Of course, my mom still thinks I’m going to support group.”

  “Have you told her about Nash?”

  “Nothing to tell. Plus, she wouldn’t understand why I would want to go to a coffeehouse and sit in silence with someone as opposed to going to a support group where Pastor Paul could watch as I vomit up my feelings.”

  We reach the bottom of the hill and see that Nash is nowhere to be found.

  “Speaking of Nash, where did he go?” Olivia looks around and I do the same.

  “I don’t know.”

  Olivia looks down at her watch. “God, how long were we up there?”

  Running my hands through my hair, I blow out a breath. “I don’t know. I’ll go look for him. He couldn’t have gone far.”

  “Okay, I’m going to stretch out in the cab. I’m exhausted all of a sudden.” I watch her climb into the truck and her feet dangle over the seat.

  Cocooning my stomach, I walk and search for Nash. I listen to the birds chirp, and I take a deep breath and the smell of pine overwhelms me. Off to my right, about 100 yards away, Nash is knelt down in front of a headstone. He didn’t mention visiting anyone while we were here. I debate if I should walk toward him or give him a moment. But my feet have a mind of their own, and before I’ve even decided, I’m standing behind him.

  I look over his shoulder and read the headstone he’s cleaning with his thumb. It reads:

  Mark Summers

  Beloved Son

  You were gone too soon

  Like a shooting star passing over the moon

  We love you, forever

  Mom and Dad

  April 16, 1985 – April 4, 2002.

  Nash shoots up and looks behind him. “Hey.” He places his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels, avoiding eye contact with me.

  “Hey. We came back to the truck and you were gone.” I take a step closer. “Are you okay?”

  “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

  “Better now.” I glance at the truck and up the hill where a part of my heart will always be. I then turn back to Nash. “Thank you. You and Liv being here made this easier. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “You’re welcome. But you’re stronger than you realize.”

  I give him a small smile, but he’s avoiding eye contact again. I look at the headstone in front of us and I can’t help myself. “Who’s Mark?” I ask.

  His eyes find mine, and he takes two slow and steady steps toward me. He takes my hands into his and says, “Jen, I promise you that one day I will tell you, but today’s not the day.” He glances at the grave and then back to me. “Can you trust me on that?”

  If there is one thing I can relate to, it’s grief. And it has to be in your own time. Nash has never pushed me to tell him things I wasn’t ready to tell him, so I’m going to respect his wishes. “Of course, Nash, you don’t have to ask. If you’re not ready to talk about it with me, then you don’t have to.”

  He releases air that I didn’t know he was holding and gives my hands a quick squeeze. “Thanks. Are you ready to go?”

  “Yeah, Liv’s in the truck waiting for us.”

  We ride in silence to the trail, and even though I’m heavy-hearted, I’m thankful to be sandwiched between my two best friends. Going to the cemetery felt right. I’ve put off going convincing myself I don’t need to be there in order to think about Jeff or our baby. But today, it’s where I needed to be. I relax into my seat and for the first time in a long time, I live in the present without the weight of the past or the future.

  Chapter 26

  We pull into the gravel lot, and a sense of calmness pours over me. If I have a happy place, this is it. It’s too extreme to call it happy today, of all days, but I’m grateful that Nash thought of this.

  “This is it?” Olivia asks.

  I look at Nash, and he smirks at me as though a secret passes between us. “This is it,” he says confidently. This place means as much to him as it does to me.

  “It’s a little more rustic than I envisioned. Like the Clampett’s backyard.”

  “It’s not supposed to be a five-star resort, Liv. It’s a hiking trail.”

  She climbs out and mutters, “I knew I should have brought the liquor.�
��

  Nash and I look at each other and grin. “Prepare yourself.” I say to him. “If you thought I was clueless, just wait.”

  “All right, I’ve officially been warned. Let’s get packed up.” Nash says.

  I climb out of the truck and stretch. My goal is to make it through the hike without crying. I was giving myself a pep talk on the way here. I hope I can do it. I walk to the bed of the truck and grab my pack. Nash helps me as usual, and with the extra weight, I topple a little.

  “You okay?”

  I don’t want to tell him that I’m still a little buzzed from this morning. He wouldn’t let me go if he knew. “Yep, ready to roll.” Nash begins laughing, and I turn to see Olivia swatting away some type of flying bug that’s buzzing her head.

  I smile, “Are you ready to roll, Liv?”

  God bless her. She tries to hide it when she says, “Can’t wait.”

  Nash walks beside me. “Come on. You lead. We’ll put her in the middle just in case.”

  We’re not more than 10 minutes in when she asks, “So, how far does this trail go?”

  I wait for Nash to respond. Stupidly, I never asked that question.

  “It’s about four and half miles.”

  “Oh, well that doesn’t sound too bad.” There’s that confident Olivia I love, even if it’s all for show.

  “One way.” Nash says.

  Smart ass. He did that on purpose. He laughs but then stops and says, “What?”

  I look back and see that Olivia is no longer moving. Her hand is on her popped-out hip, and I can only imagine the death glare she is giving him.

  She yells up to me. “Parker, you didn’t tell me Casanova was a smart ass.” My smile falls as she pivots her body to face mine. My body tenses as she smirks at me. She’s not going to start this, so I turn and keep walking. A few moments later I hear them bickering back and forth about something, but I focus on my own thoughts. I don’t know why she insists on trying to make something out of nothing. Yes, Nash and I are friends. Very good friends. I can’t imagine these past few months without him in my life, but she wants to make it something it isn’t.