The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  "Oh Jensen, now come on honey, let’s sit down here and talk before you go and make any rash decisions—”

  I interrupt my mother. "I wasn’t done talking, but you are. So again, let me tell you how this is going to go. I've hired a moving company to move me out of here and take everything to the new place. I don’t need the two of you to do anything, but I at least wanted you to be aware that this was my last day here. I'll call you when I’m ready to talk."

  My dad finally decides to join the conversation as opposed to hiding behind his wife. "Jensen, we know this must be hard..."

  "Hard? You know, Dad, I’m running out of adjectives to describe how painful my life has been for the past year. But just as I was starting to turn a corner, I find out that the person I’ve grown closest to is a liar.” I laugh and then clap my hands together. “And the cherry on top is he was sent by my family and friends to deceive me. So, yeah, you could say my life is a little hard right now. I’m also a little pissed!”

  My mother clears her throat. "Please don't be angry with Julia or Nash. They were just trying to help. We were all just trying to help and..."

  "Help? You call this helping? This didn’t help. I found someone who I thought understood me. Someone I relied on and trusted. I was also starting to enjoy life again after losing everything. But then I find out he’s not who I thought he was. That my family and friends felt the need to dupe me so they could help!"

  "I can understand why you're angry, but we love you and were only trying to do what we thought was best. We know it was unimaginable circumstances, but we thought that with what Nash had gone through himself, he might be just the right person to help you."

  I shake my head, fumbling with my words. “Wha…what are you talking about?”

  My mother’s eyes move to my father’s, and he responds by shaking his head at her. What the hell does that mean?

  She looks back to me and squares her shoulders. “Well dear, I think that’s his story to tell.”

  “Of course!” I throw my hands up in the air. “More secrets, just what I was looking for from this conversation. You know, it doesn’t matter, and I don’t give a damn. I can see the two of you aren’t interested in being honest with me, so you can go.”

  “Jensen, I really wish you would calm down so that we could have a mature and reasonable conversation. We only did what we thought was best because we love you and—”

  I cut her off. "If you truly love me, you’ll get the hell out."

  "Jensen! That’s enough! I know you're upset but you don't speak to your mother like that."

  "I wasn't just talking to her, I was talking to you too, Dad. Get out! NOW!"

  My parents shoot daggers at me. I haven’t seen that look on their faces since I was sixteen and lied about the scratch I put on my dad’s new car. My chest tightens, so I turn away. I can’t look at them anymore.

  "Jensen.” My mom speaks softly, like she’s talking to someone with a bomb stretched across their chest. “We don't want to leave you, not today. We know how hard this is going to be for you."

  Slightly hysterical, I start to laugh. "This is easy after what I’ve been through. I don't want you here. I don’t want any of you here. I will do this on my own.” My body twists to face them one more time. They’re frozen in place, unsure what to do. I know the feeling. But not today. Today, I know exactly what to do. “You need to go. I'll call you after I have calmed down."

  Several moments pass, and then my dad finally speaks. “Linda, we need to go. Come on, let’s give her some space.”

  I know my mother wants to support me and help me through this. But unfortunately, not only do I not want her help, I can’t have it. I’m going to have to make this move on my own if I ever want any chance of truly moving forward. She hesitates before saying, “If that’s what she wants.”

  Even if I wanted to tell them to stop, I can’t. There’s nothing left to say. Once the door closes behind them, my body falls into a chair and I focus on trying to survive the day.

  Chapter 35

  Nine hours later, it’s done. My life with Jeff was packed up and moved like it never happened. But my heart knew better. A piece of me, of us, will always live in that house. But it’s time to leave it behind.

  “That should be all of the information we need, ma’am. Typically bills go out two to three weeks after delivery, and it will come to your new address.”

  “That will be fine. Thank you.” The empty two-wheeler clatters down the stairs as I close the door behind him. I lean against it, trying not to feel overwhelmed. There are boxes everywhere. I’m thankful that I had them take several loads to the storage unit or else I wouldn’t be able to walk in here. I knew there was no way a 3,700-square foot house would fit in a 900 square foot house, even after giving a lot of Jeff’s things to his mom and sister. But I’m too exhausted to do anything else tonight, so the room will have to stay this way. I sit down on the one cushion of the couch that isn’t covered in crap and look at the clock. I ordered pizza twenty minutes ago, so it should be here any minute. I’m ready to eat and head straight to bed.

  I sit in silence and listen to the new sounds the old house brings. I hear the hum of the refrigerator and a dog barking outside. I didn’t notice it before. Does it bark all the time? The moving truck rumbles as it’s pulling away, and I hope that’s why he’s barking.

  I never got used to the noises our house made after Jeff was no longer in it. Everything seemed so much quieter after he was gone that I’m now appreciating this change. This space doesn’t remind me of Jeff; of his smell or where we made love or had a fight. Yet with that comes a sense of closure and sadness. I’m not sure I’m ready.

  The buzz of my phone startles me, but I have no desire to look at it. There is no one I care to talk to right now. Even Olivia. She didn’t betray me like everyone else, but I still don’t feel like talking. It buzzes again and I pick it up, intending to turn it off. As I do, I see Nash’s name.

  “I know I’m the last person you want to hear from but I just want to make sure that you’re okay. Julia talked to your parents and she told me you moved today. How did it go? How is the ankle?”

  I snort since I had forgotten all about the pain. Anger drove me today, but now that he mentioned it, it does hurt and it’s still swollen. Why did he have to bring it up? I also love how they still all seem to be talking about me behind my back. They need to get lives. At least I have an excuse for not having one. I’m about to shut off my phone when the doorbell rings.

  I grab my purse, now nursing my ankle a little more than I was. I look out the peep hole and see a teenager holding up a pizza box, bouncing on his feet as he surveys the neighborhood. I open the door and smile.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey. It’s twelve bucks.”

  “Okay.” I dig in my purse, pull out the twelve dollars, and then go back to find a tip when he snatches the money from my hand. He pushes the box into my arms and runs back down the stairs. “Wait! Your tip…”

  He yells back, “Don’t worry about it,” sprints back to his car, and speeds away.

  Good grief. I walk into the kitchen as another text comes through, but I’m definitely going to ignore it now that I know who it is. I’m starving, and he’s going to be waiting a long time for a response.

  I dig into one of the boxes and pull out a paper plate and paper towel. I grab a beer from the fridge and walk back to the couch. I turn my phone over, resisting the urge to look, and eat my pizza. I take my time eating not one, not two, but three pieces of pepperoni with extra cheese. I wipe the crumbs from the coffee table that missed my plate and walk back into the kitchen. I put the rest of the pizza in the fridge and spend the next hour unpacking boxes in the kitchen and putting things away. I look for any excuse to keep myself busy so I don’t read that text. But after another hour, I can’t resist anymore.

  “Please don’t ignore me. Just let me know you’re okay and I promise I will leave you alone.”

  I hu
ff—I held strong for two hours for that? Does he really expect me to be okay? I press the top button on my phone and then slide the red arrow to power it off. I’m going to let him stew.

  I make my way into the family room and move some bags off the couch and boxes out of the way so that I don’t feel like I’m in a fort. I grab the book I’m reading from my purse and lie down on the couch. Before I open it, I look up at the ceiling and see water stains that I hadn’t noticed before. I drop my arm over my eyes and sigh. How did I get here?

  Chapter 36

  After my first night in the new house of trying to sleep but failing, I get up and go to turn on the shower. I pull my hair up in a bun because I’m not in the mood to fix it today. It’s just grocery shopping. I stick my hand under the water and pull it back. It’s ice cold. I double check that I have it all the way on hot and start to undress before checking it again. Still cold. I groan and turn it off. Add that to the list of things I need to talk to my landlord about.

  In my room, I dig through three boxes before finding underwear and a somewhat presentable outfit. I walk down the stairs, grab my purse, and head out the front door. Halfway down the driveway I stop. Clenching my teeth, I shake my head, open my car door and throw my purse into the passenger side seat. I slam the door and head to the street, where I start pounding on Nash’s driver’s side window.

  He jerks awake and frantically glances around before his eyes finally find me.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I say, louder than necessary.

  His truck door opens, and he climbs out, popping his neck. “Hi.”

  “I asked you a question.”

  “I was making sure you were okay. I guess I fell asleep.”

  “How long have you been out here?” I put up my hand before he can answer. “Never mind, I don’t care. As you can see, I’m fine, so if you don’t mind…”

  His eyes rake over my body. “Are you heading out? Do you want to grab breakfast?”

  I grumble and twist away from him. I’m having a hard time staying mad at him. His eyes are weighted down by pools of darkness. His clothes are wrinkled and his normal five-o-clock shadow looks more like a two-day shadow.

  I stop as I realize I’m acting childish by not speaking to him. I turn around and walk back to him, trying to let go of the tension. “Look Nash, please don’t make this any harder than it already is. I don’t want to fight with you.”

  “I don’t want to fight either.”

  “Great. We’re on the same page. Can we just let it go?”

  “And what…never speak to each other again?”

  I cross my arms in front of my chest before putting all my weight on my good ankle. “Something like that.”

  He runs his hand down his face and scratches at his beard. “Jen, please, I’m sorry. I know I should have told you sooner, but there never seemed to be a good time in the beginning. Julia asked me for a favor, and I was just trying to help my sister and someone she cares about. And then it got harder and harder. I didn’t know how to tell you. I told you that day before we left for the cemetery that I had something to tell you. It was killing me! But I didn’t want to tell you that day. Then you told me you were going to sell the house, and I don’t know, I just…” He looks to the ground and sticks his hands in his pockets before looking back up at me. “I didn’t know how to say it. But you know I never meant to hurt you.”

  “I know that, but the fact is you did.” We stare at each other without speaking. He makes no move to leave, and I don’t have anything else to say. “I need to go. I have a million things to do.”

  I start to walk away when he asks, “Did you have someone fix your stair?”

  “Not yet. I have a list of things that I need to talk to my landlord about.”

  “Jen, just let me fix it. And whatever else needs to be fixed. I don’t want some random guy in your house when I can take care of it for you.”

  I don’t stop as the need to put distance between us grows. “No thanks. That’s one of the perks of renting. Someone else handles the maintenance.”

  He yells, “Okay, I’ll talk to you later.” I get in my car and pull away without giving him a glance.

  Chapter 37

  My phone rings and I see that it’s my mom, again. I can’t keep avoiding her, so now is as good a time as any. I’m in my happy place.

  “Hello?”

  “Jensen, thank God.” My mother exhales a whoosh of air on the other end.

  “Oh mom, stop being dramatic.”

  “Dramatic? I haven’t talked to you in almost two weeks. You up and move away, and then won’t pick up the phone. I understand you being mad, but seriously, what is wrong with you?”

  I cross my legs and pick at the dirt by my shoes. I used to think of this as Nash’s place. Yet I’m here on my own so often lately that I don’t think of him. Or try not to. But a tiny part of me wonders if that’s the only reason I come here. “You act like I moved out of state or something.”

  “That’s a possibility for all we know. We have no idea where you live. It’s like you did it on purpose! Are you trying to cut us totally out of your life?”

  “Nothing gets by you.”

  “Jensen!”

  “Mom. Look, I needed some space, and you’re not capable of giving it to me. Plus, I don’t want to be judged by you and Dad on where I’m living.”

  “Oh honey, we would never do that. We’re proud of you for taking a step forward.”

  Yeah, she says that now, but once she sees the place she’ll change her tune. “So, what’s up, Mom?”

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m hiking at Pierman’s Point.”

  “Oh, are you with Nash?” Her voice rises as she asks.

  I have no problem crushing her dreams. “Nope. Why would you ask me that?”

  “Because you usually hike together. You’re not hiking alone, are you? Jensen, that’s dangerous!”

  “And this would be why I haven’t picked up the phone. I’m not with Nash. I’m fully capable of hiking alone. In fact, I’ve discovered these past few weeks that I’m capable of doing a lot of things alone.” Even though it’s not what I prefer, it’s my life now, and I’m slowly learning to accept it.

  “So, I guess that means you still haven’t talked to Nash.”

  “Actually, I’m kind of shocked he hasn’t told you where I live.”

  “Oh, I’ve tried to get it out of him and Julia, but no luck.”

  “Well, at least they’re loyal, even though they’re both liars.”

  “Oh, Jensen,” she says after sighing.

  “You’re ruining my hiking buzz.”

  “I’m sorry. I miss you. Can we come over and see the house sometime?”

  I rub my fingers across my forehead, knowing I can’t hide from them forever. I’ve also felt guilty with how things have transpired between us. They’re my parents and they love me. And just as I didn’t know how to handle myself in this situation, they didn’t know how to handle it either. They lost a son-in-law and a grandchild. And their daughter in a way. That woman is gone and I don’t know who stands in her place. But, I’m determined to figure it out. “How about I come to you? I need to go check on the other house anyway. They’ve shown it a few times, and I want to make sure it’s still clean.”

  “I’ll take what I can get. Tomorrow night?”

  “Okay Mom. I’ll see you around 6:00 p.m.”

  “Dad and I look forward to it. Jensen…we love you.”

  “I love you both too, Mom. Bye.”

  As I sit and look out over the horizon, I rub my hands up and down my arms. I can’t help but think of Nash when I’m here. My phone still sits in my hand and I want nothing more than to call him. To hear his voice. But I don’t. Because there isn’t anything left to say.

  I wipe my mouth and lay the napkin on the dining room table. “Thanks, Mom. It was nice to have a home- cooked meal.”

  “Are you not taking care of yourself?” />
  “I am, but it always tastes better when someone else makes it.”

  My dad leans over and looks at me before saying, “You look like you’ve put on a little weight.”

  “Geez, thanks Dad.”

  “Oh honey, it was a compliment.” My mom picks up my plate and takes it into the kitchen. “You were getting pretty thin there for a while. You’re looking a little more like yourself is all he means.”

  “I’ve been hiking almost every day, so I think a lot of it is muscle.”

  “Are you enjoying that?” my dad asks.

  “I am. It’s not something I ever saw myself doing, but it relaxes me and at a minimum gets me out of the house.”

  My mom sets brownies on the table. “I’m glad to hear that dear, I really am. You know we love you. And we’re sorry for how we handled the Nash situation.”

  “I know what happened wasn’t your intention. And it’s his fault for not saying something as we grew closer to one another. And I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you both. I know I haven’t handled this situation very well. But, I am trying to move forward.”

  “Honey, your mother and I know that. But we worry about you.”

  “Dad, I get it, but there’s nothing anyone can do. I’m the only one who can do this.”

  “Well…” My dad says as he seems to stumble to find his words. “I was hoping that maybe I could do something.”

  My mother gives him a death glare. “John, we talked about this. I don’t think she’s ready.”

  My eyes bounce back and forth between them. “Ready for what?”

  “Why don’t you let her make that decision, Linda?”

  “Because I don’t want her to feel pressured.”

  I’m still looking back and forth between them. “Pressured about what?”