The Loss Between Us

by Brooke McBride

  “I know you do, Jen.” He winks at me before turning me back around as we both get lost in the picture. “I was going to give it to you when you were ready, but in the meantime, I wanted it close to me.”

  “How did you get it hung so fast?”

  “I paid extra for them to deliver it this morning.”

  “This morning?”

  “They were at my house when I called you. How’d you think I got them to Regina’s so fast?”

  I don’t think I’ve ever doubted anything that Nash has ever told me. Yet we always had to walk this tightrope of holding our feelings back for one another because I wasn’t ready. I turn around and lean in to taste his lips. Before, our kisses were slow and loving. These kisses are hungry and passionate. He responds by bringing up his hands and running them through my hair. He finally pulls back for air. “Jen…”

  I whisper, “Don’t stop.” I feel him hesitate for a moment and then his head drops, and my eyes close. His exploration is tender and slow at first. But then we ease into it. He thrusts his hand into my hair and my hands move to his waist. We continue to kiss with such passion running through us that I don’t know how we’re ever going to stop. I grab the hem of his shirt and pull back from him so that I can lift it over his head. The sudden movement has left me cold, and I shiver back into his arms, back into his warmth.

  “Jen, wait.” I look into his eyes and see concern. “Let’s just…” I see him struggling. He doesn’t want to stop any more than I do. I don’t give him time to think. I crawl back into his arms and crash my lips to his. He has to forcibly push me back. “Jen, please. This is not why I brought you back here.” Astounded, I watch his face and work to get myself under control.

  He takes a few steps back, and his chest moves up and down. God, Olivia was right. How did I not see it all this time? He’s beautiful. But his heart is even more beautiful. He’s waiting for me, and I no longer want to wait.

  I walk toward him. I keep my distance but lace both of my hands through his.

  “Nash.” He’s looking at the floor, trying to find the strength to stop this. “Nash, look at me.” His eyes find mine. “Just like the first time you brought me to our cliff…I had the urge to move toward it, where it was scary and I could fall, but it was so breathtaking all at the same time. That day I walked to the edge because it was worth the risk, and then you pulled me back, where I felt safe for the first time in a long time. But these past few months without you in my life has shown me that I would rather live on the edge with you than to not have you at all.

  “There are a lot of things I’ve been confused by and unsure of, but this is not one of them. This is the first thing that has felt right in a long time. I want you to make love to me.”

  We stare into each other’s souls, and his hand unwinds from me. He moves it to my chin. His rough, calloused hand cups my face as he pulls me toward him, where I feel the loss between us drifting away just as Nash said it would.

  Chapter 64

  “Call me when you land.”

  Olivia looks over my shoulder and smiles. She releases me and walks up to Nash and hugs him.

  “She’s my family, so take good care of her, you hear me?”

  Fire burns in his eyes as he looks at me. “She’s my everything, so you know I will.” I melt when he says things like that.

  “I know, but I want to make sure we get each other. If you don’t, be prepared to lose a very important part of your body.” She says it with absolutely no humor in her voice, and Nash’s eyes go wide and then he shifts between his feet and adjusts himself. “That’s what I thought.”

  Laughing, I wrap both arms around his waist. Resting his arm on my shoulder, he gives me a squeeze.

  “Damn, you two look good together.”

  I look up at him as he looks down at me and we both smile. He then gently leans down and kisses me. I pull back breathless. Olivia has already walked away. She raises a hand without looking back, waves, and disappears in the sea of people.

  We stand for a few more moments with Nash stroking my hair. “Ready to go?”

  “Yeah.” I say feeling sad as I always do when she leaves.

  “She’ll be back.” We turn to walk back to the car, me still tucked underneath his arm. “Or we could go see her?”

  I look up at him. “Really?”

  “Sure! Shirley Jr. can make that drive.” He winks at me, and I feel excited about us taking a road trip together.

  We ease back into the silent comfort that’s always been between us. As we climb into the car, he asks, “How about a hike?”

  Nash and I haven’t hiked together in months. I’ve done it by myself, but it’s not quite the same. I’ve missed it probably more than anything else. Smiling as I gaze into his eyes, I say, “I would love to.”

  Chapter 65

  I walk into the garage and yell, “Nash?” I don’t see him, so I continue to walk and then I see him fiddling with something in the back of his truck. “Hey, what are you doing?”

  “Nothing. Just getting a few things ready before we go.”

  “Speaking of, we need to get moving if we’re going to make it up and back before dusk.”

  “Give me a few more minutes.” I walk over to him and distract him with a kiss. “Get away from me or we won’t make it out there.” We smile at each other, and I walk back into the house.

  Before I reach the door, he yells, “Hey, would you grab me ten bottles of water?”

  “Ten?”

  “Yeah.”

  That seems like overkill, but I don’t question him. “Okay.”

  An hour later, we’re finally pulling out. “Do you think we’re going to make it before it gets dark?” I ask.

  He reaches over the console of the truck and grabs my hand, and then looks up and out the front window. “I think we’ll be okay.”

  We pull into the parking lot and we both hop out. Thankful I brought a sweatshirt, I wrap it around my waist and walk back to the bed of the truck. I see two larger packs than what we usually carry. “What are those?”

  “Just some new packs I bought.”

  “What for?”

  “Just in case.”

  “In case of what?”

  “I don’t know…here, turn around.”

  He places the pack on my back and I almost fall over. “Are you serious?” I turn back to him.

  “What?”

  “What’s in this?”

  “Just some stuff.”

  “What kind of stuff? I’ll never make it up there with this much weight on my back!”

  “Sure you will.” He heaves a similar pack onto his back, and I can see his is heavier than mine.

  “Nash, what’s going on?”

  “You ask a lot of questions.” He smiles and then sighs, “It was supposed to be a surprise…”

  “What was?”

  He walks up to me and tries to bring me into his arms. We both laugh at not being able to get that close to one another with our gear on. “I thought we could spend the night under the stars.”

  My bottom lip quivers upward. “Aw.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m a pushover when it comes to you.” He goes to walk away, but I pull him back in.

  “I don’t know about that. You want to know what I do know?”

  “What’s that?”

  “That you love me.”

  He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “Always will.”

  I smile.

  “So, since the surprise is ruined, can I look through this pack and see what the necessities are?”

  He laughs and turns me around to remove my pack. Ten minutes later and about ten pounds lighter, we’re on our way.

  We get to the top just as the sun is starting to set, and we both stop to admire it. He takes a swig of water and then hands it to me. As I’m taking a drink, he removes my pack and sits it down next to me. I hear him rustle around behind me, but I continue to stare and wish to God I had brought my camera. The next thing I see
is my camera. It takes a brief second for my eyes to adjust from far to near.

  I reach for it and smile at him. “You brought my camera?”

  “Yeah, it was in my pack. Sorry, I couldn’t bring the tripod without ruining that surprise too.”

  I take the camera from his hands and sit it down on top of my pack. I then grab a fistful of his shirt and pull him toward me. Our lips meet and my stomach flips. He eventually pulls back. “Okay, okay, we keep this up and you’re going to miss it.”

  I graze my lips over his ear and whisper, “There’s also a sunrise.” He smiles as I lean into him to kiss him again.

  “Oh, I’m counting on it. But we have all night for this. Take your picture.”

  I run my finger down his face. “I don’t need a picture to remember it.”

  He captures my hands and squeezes once before gently letting them go. “I’m going to get out some snacks while you do your thing.”

  I spend twenty minutes taking pictures and then the sun is down. I turn back and see Nash has set up a nice campsite. Fires aren’t allowed, but he’s spread out a blanket with two sleeping bags nearby. There is a bottle of wine, cheese and crackers, and other goodies. There are two lanterns giving enough light for us to see while creating a romantic setting.

  I walk toward him while removing the camera strap from my neck. I set it down on the blanket and unwrap my sweatshirt from my waist.

  He looks at me. “Cold?”

  “A little.”

  “Then get over here, woman, and snuggle.” I smile and walk toward the blanket. I kick off my shoes and land in his lap. We both sigh and hold each other. “You going to be able to sleep out here?”

  I pull back and look him in the eyes. “Sleep? Who said anything about sleeping?” He smiles and kisses me. He then rolls us over and hovers over me. He looks down at me and runs his finger over my cheek. “I love you, Jensen.”

  “I love you, Nash.”

  Epilogue

  A cool autumn breeze swirls down the hill as I watch Jen lean down to pick up twigs and leaves that are lying on Jeff and the baby’s headstones. She glances up to check on our three-year-old daughter, who is running around the cemetery without a care.

  “Mackenzie, no running,” she yells.

  Mackenzie stops and pouts. She’s just like her mother, can’t stand to be told what to do. She looks at me and whines, “Daddy.”

  Jen looks over her shoulder at me and shakes her head. I smile at her as she goes back to cleaning the stone. She finally stops and looks down. I can only guess what she’s thinking. When we finally got together, we both had things to work on. I wondered if she wished she was with Jeff and not me. She struggled with the what-ifs, all of the bad things that could happen, especially when Mackenzie was born. Jensen was right, it’s not the fairy tale. Sometimes both of us hold back because we still don’t feel like we deserve to be happy. I’m not convinced I deserve it, but the truth of the matter is, I am happy. We both are.

  Mackenzie looks down at the ground with her arms crossed and her bottom lip sticking out. Jen makes that same face, and every time she does, I give in, no matter what it is. I can’t imagine where Mackenzie learned that. I watch Jen tickle her until Mackenzie gives in. They both roll to the ground laughing.

  They get up and begin to walk toward me. Mackenzie begins to run again, completely forgetting she just got in trouble for it. Jen smiles and shakes her head. Mackenzie throws herself into my arms. “Daddy, let’s go see Uncle Mark.”

  I tousle her hair and say, “Okay, kiddo.” I set her down, and she starts to take off running again, but before she can, Jen leans down and grabs her hand.

  “Hold on, you’re going to hold mommy’s hand.” Mackenzie’s small chest makes itself bigger and then she lets out a rush of air. Jen looks at me. “I can’t imagine where she gets that.”

  “Don’t look at me!”

  Jen smiles and grabs my hand with her free hand, and we start to walk toward Mark’s grave. Mackenzie starts to sing, screaming some song that we’ve listened to a thousand times today, and Jen looks at me and smiles. I smile back.

  I see her get stronger every day and she still amazes me. Jensen is the best wife and mother I could have ever hoped for. She was on the edge of letting her loss consume her, but she pulled herself up, fought her demons and took another step. Because in the end, that’s really all any of us can do.

  Sneak Peak of Next Book

  Please enjoy a sneak peak of my next book, Futile Love, coming soon!

  Chapter 1

  I can hear the crickets talk back and forth outside and I painfully wish I was a part of their conversation. Todd and I have been sitting in silence eating for the past five minutes. How can we have nothing to discuss with one another?

  “Did you see that documentary on your brother?” I pause mid-bite. Be careful what you wish for.

  I clear my throat before saying, “No, but I knew the sports channel was going to do a feature on him.”

  “It’s good. You need to watch it. I had no idea how dedicated he was. Did he really get up at five-o’clock in the morning every day and practice for two hours before going to school?”

  “Yep.” And on Sunday’s it was 6:00 a.m. so he could still get in two hours of practice before church. It didn’t matter that my room was right next door and his alarm would wake me up too. Or that the crack of the bat woke up the whole neighborhood. Once my dad bought him a pitching machine, he lived in the backyard practicing his swing. I move my chopsticks back and forth no longer hungry.

  “Man, he’s a beast. I wish I would have seen him play before he retired. Which reminds me, what about those box seats for me and my buddies? Did you talk to him about those?”

  I want to go back to silence. “Not yet.”

  “The season’s almost over, Poppy.” He says it like I don’t know that. Like my whole life hasn’t evolved around the baseball season.

  I never considered asking my brother, John, for a favor. That’s not the way our relationship works. He expects favors from me. In fact, he demands them. Like giving up my life to move here with his daughter and my niece, Sam. “Maybe next season…” I say before pushing my Chinese food to the center of the table.

  Todd scoffs and shakes his head before picking up his beer. He takes a long swig before slamming it back down on the table. The Chinese boxes rattle and his topples over. The hair on the back of neck stands at attention knowing I will not enjoy the rest of this conversation.

  I study the sweet and sour sauce flowing like a stream on my bistro table.

  “You didn’t ask him, did you?”

  Crossing my arms, I lean back in my chair taking a few moments to decide how I want to respond before my eyes finally meet his. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  Because men have used me my whole life to get to my brother, and I wanted to see if you were different. “I forgot.”

  “You forgot? I brought it up at least three times.” In as many months as we’ve been dating. “Can’t you call him now? He’s not broadcasting, tonight, is he?”

  My jaw clenches as I sit my napkin down and shove my chair away from the table moving to the sink. “I’m not my brother’s agent. Or keeper.”

  Todd lets go of a weak laugh before mumbling, “No, just your niece’s.”

  My posture stiffens gearing up for this fight. It’s not the first time I’ve had to come out swinging. But it is the first with this opponent. I should be used to this. Even at thirty-years-old I’m still fighting guys off with a bat who want something from me or my family instead of just wanting me. It always starts this way. Once they find out my last name is Perella and ask, ‘that Perella?’. Yes, my older brother is none other than The John Perella. Two-time MVP, four-time World Series Champion and youngest inductee into the professional baseball hall of fame. They still think he holds the key to the Blue-Birds stadium even though he’s closing in on two years of retirement.

  “You’re not even going to d
eny it?” I wish the adrenaline would pump through my veins gearing up to defend myself, and my niece. Instead the energy drains from my body. Why deny it when there is truth to what he’s saying. But it doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t understand my relationship with Sam, then he won’t understand me. I may not have chosen it for myself, but I also wouldn’t change it.

  “I think you need to go.”

  “Pathetic.” His chair screeches against the floor as he stands. The echo of his feet stomping to the front door and slamming it behind him should leave me feeling sad and rejected. Yet, all I feel is a quickening pulse knowing he used me for something as stupid as baseball tickets.

  Instead of dwelling on it, I clean up the kitchen, lock the front door and make my way to the master bathroom.

  I turn on the water waiting for it to warm up. As I study myself in the mirror I try to focus on the positives. My hair is dark as the midnight sky and it can hold a curl for days. The hazel eyes staring back at me are large and welcoming to strangers, turning from light to dark depending on my mood. My cheekbones are high but draw too much attention to the black circles under my eyes. I try to ignore the crow’s feet that seem to have gone up a shoe size since the last time I looked.

  I scrub my face washing the day away and climb into bed. I make sure the ringer is on in case Sam were to call. The more time we’re here the less I hear from her. I guess that was the point of her living on campus versus living with me. It was one of the few ways her father got her to agree to this set-up.

  You wouldn't know my brother and I are related, let alone from the same parents. We have nothing in common. He would spend all of his spare time outside doing anything that allowed him to have a baseball, bat or glove in his hand. I would spend my time inside with my face in a computer. Even in family pictures we look like we don’t belong. His skin reflected the hours he spent in the sun while I looked like I belonged to a family of vampires. And then there is Sam. John got the athletic gene while I got the brain gene. Yet, somehow my niece got both, as well the gorgeous gene. Her hair is as straight as the yardstick I used to measure her with when she was growing up. It’s also long and platinum just like her mother’s. Her eyes are electric blue, and she looks like she’s from the west coast, hiding her Midwestern roots. You would also assume she stepped off a runway with her lean figure, standing almost as tall as her father at five foot eleven. And she’s good at everything. She can talk to a wall and has a side of her so sweet you would think she was made of sugar. But her good looks and charming personality are some of the many reasons she's always been difficult. Difficult to raise. Difficult to trust. And sometimes even difficult to love.