The Road to You

by Melissa Toppen

  I guess that’s why I invited her to Italy the way I did. I hadn’t even nailed down the contract, yet there I was insisting she come with me. And even though she flat out refused, a part of me knew she’d change her mind.

  Maybe it’s because I feel like I know her, given how much Kam talked about her, or maybe it’s because I know, like me, she’s desperate for anything to make her feel less of what she’s currently feeling. I also think she’s just as curious about me as I am about her. It makes sense I guess. The two people who were closest to Kam. We’re bound to have some type of connection. Only this isn’t just about Kam. At least not for me anyway.

  Again, I wanted her the first time I saw her. If not for Kam I would have made a move on her the night of his graduation party. If for no other reason but to have her in my bed. But because I love my brother and he loved her, I backed off.

  But everything has changed since then. I’m not even sure I’m the same person as I was back then. So much has happened over the past four years. So much that has changed and shaped the person I am now – recent events included.

  When Elara finally text me back last night agreeing to go to Italy with me, part of me was struck with disbelief while the other part of me knew all along she would come. I bought my ticket to Arkansas and both of our tickets to Chicago so fast it’s a wonder I didn’t end up screwing it up. I knew I needed to do it right then and there, that way she’d be less inclined to back out on me.

  I already had the two tickets to Italy. Once the contract was signed and official, I requested two because somewhere deep inside I knew she would come with me. Maybe it was wishful thinking but whatever it was clearly worked.

  She has no idea that we will be staying in a little one room flat together, otherwise I may not have gotten her to agree. I’ll let that be a surprise once we get there. At that point she’ll have no choice but to deal with it.

  I close my laptop and lean my head back against the headboard; my eyes falling closed for a brief moment as I take a deep breath in before letting it out just as slowly.

  The thought of spending the next four weeks in Italy with Elara has me twisted up like a fucking teenager. I swear I haven’t been this anxious or excited about anything pertaining to a girl since I lost my virginity to Rachel Balanie when I was fifteen.

  “Kane,” my father’s voice calls up the stairs, instantly breaking me from my daze.

  “Yeah, I’m coming,” I holler back, realizing several minutes have passed since my mother had come up to tell me dinner was ready.

  ****

  “So, Kane, I was thinking,” my father says between bites of my mother’s famous pot roast. “We should take the old boat out this weekend. Maybe get a little fishing in while you’re home.”

  I instantly feel bad knowing I can’t.

  “I wish I could, Dad, but I’m actually leaving Saturday.”

  “So soon?” my mom questions, disappointment clear on her face.

  “I know. I’m sorry. I got signed for a big contract with an Italian eyewear company that I couldn’t pass up. I fly out of Chicago on Sunday so I’ll need to give myself time to get home and pack.”

  “Where are you off to this time?” my dad asks, having always been interested in my line of work.

  I wait until I’ve swallowed the bite in my mouth before speaking. “Italy.”

  “Right. You said Italian company. I should have guessed.” My father shakes his head.

  “Well, as you know, where I end up isn’t always where the company is based out of so it’s a valid question.”

  “How long will you be gone for this time?” my mother asks, hitting me with a look that makes me feel like the lowest piece of shit on Earth for not being home more.

  “About a month,” I say, shoveling some potatoes in my mouth in an effort to not have to say more.

  “That long?”

  “It’s not that long, Mary,” my dad chimes in, clearly sensing my need of rescuing. To this day my dad is still the only person that can reel my mom in and he can do so without even batting an eye.

  “I guess you’re right.” She smiles softly, shuffling carrots around her plate with her fork. “Oh, I completely forgot to tell you that Elara came by the other morning.”

  The mere mention of her name has my stomach swirling once again. Fuck, what is it about this girl?

  “She did?” my father questions.

  “Three days ago. I can’t believe I forgot to tell you.” She shakes her head. “I swear my memory is not what it used to be.”

  “I hadn’t seen her at Carol’s. Figured I had missed her.” My father’s expression softens slightly.

  “You did. She came over to say goodbye but you had gone into the office that morning. I still can’t believe I forgot to tell you.” She pauses before adding, “I really hate that she felt like she had to leave.”

  “I think it’s good that she went home. You know how close those two were. There was hardly a place Kamden would go that Elara wasn’t right there with him. And then the accident,” my father trails off. “I’m sure being here wasn’t easy for her.”

  “I suppose your right. I’m sure gonna miss her though.” My mom blinks back tears that well behind her eyes, not a single one falling.

  “Me too. I got used to having her around all the time,” my father agrees. “I’m sure she’ll come visit.”

  “I hope so. Though a part of me is almost relieved that she’s gone,” my mother admits quietly, surprising both me and my father. “I guess it was difficult for me. Seeing her all the time knowing my sweet boy didn’t walk away from the accident but she did.”

  “Mom!” I interject, appalled by the words that just left her mouth.

  My mom is the sweetest person I know. She loves every single person that comes into our lives and does so with her whole heart. Not because she has to but because she wants to. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say anything about another person even remotely close to what she just said.

  “I’m happy she’s alive, of course I am. That’s not what I meant. I just, it’s just hard for me sometimes.” She blows out a breath.

  “Elara loved Kam just as much as we all did. How do you think she feels knowing she lived and he didn’t?” I question, dropping my fork on the plate, my appetite long since passed.

  “Honestly, I can’t imagine what that must be like for her,” she admits.

  “None of us can. We can’t even fathom what it would be like to be in her shoes,” I grind out, more irritated than I should be given that my mom’s comment was not meant to be a dig at Elara. She was simply voicing what any parent would probably feel only weeks after losing a child.

  “I know that. Of course I do. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.” She seems genuinely sorry about what she said which in turn makes me feel even worse.

  “We know you didn’t, dear.” My dad reaches across the table and rests his hand on top of hers. “We’re all a bit on edge. A lot has happened.”

  “I asked Elara to come to Italy with me.” The statement is past my lips before I can completely think it through and in that instant the entire dynamic of the room changes.

  “What?” My mom looks at me wide eyed with confusion. “I didn’t realize you two knew each other. Why would she be going to Italy with you?”

  “Because I asked her to,” I state matter of fact. I had planned to tell my parents this regardless but I think maybe my timing could have been a little better.

  “And no, we don’t know each other that well,” I continue. “But I spent a little time with her after the funeral where she told me Italy was somewhere she always wanted to go. Then I saw her again on Saturday as she was leaving town, right after I found out I could possibly be going to Italy. She was at Kam’s grave and she seemed so sad. I didn’t really even mean to ask her, it just kind of fell out of my mouth.”

  “And she said yes?” my mother questions.

  “Not at first,” I admit.

  “I don�
��t understand why it even crossed your mind to ask her.”

  “Elara was the most important person to Kam. I feel like I owe it to him to make sure she’s okay. And right now I don’t think she is. I think I can help her. And honestly, I think she can help me too.”

  “Well I think it’s fantastic,” my dad weighs in. “Elara is like family. It makes me feel better knowing you two will be looking out for each other.”

  “Thanks, Dad. I appreciate that,” I say. Turning back toward my mom, I continue, “It’s not what you’re thinking, Mom.” I feel the need to reassure her even though I know the statement is only partially true. “I just wanted to do something nice for the girl my brother loved.”

  “It makes sense,” she admits. “And your father’s right. Knowing the two of you will be looking out for one another does make me feel a little better. Just be careful, Kane. Elara is in a very confusing place right now. I’d hate for you to get hurt.”

  “I’m not going to get hurt, Mom. We’re just friends.”

  “Things can change rapidly when emotions are running high. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, honey. You always have. But sometimes you get a little blinded by the opposite sex.” A smile plays on her mouth for the first time all evening.

  “That’s the Thaler in him.” My father laughs.

  “You two are too much sometimes.” I smile, not able to help myself.

  “Just be careful, honey.” My mom falls serious once more. “That’s all I’m asking.”

  “I will.” I nod only once before standing and excusing myself.

  My mother’s warning is still ringing in my ears several hours later as I lay in bed tossing and turning, unable to shake the feeling that maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m setting myself up to be hurt. Or maybe, and more likely, I’m setting Elara up to be hurt.

  “You’d never hurt her.” Kam’s voice is so clear I would almost swear he was in the room.

  “But what if I do?” I voice aloud.

  “You won’t.”

  “I might.”

  “You won’t,” he insists.

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because you know how much I loved her.”

  “Can you turn around?” I ask my dad as the airport comes into view, a sudden panic gripping at my chest so tightly I feel like I’m moments away from hyperventilating.

  “Turn around?” My father seems confused, glancing to where I’m sitting next to him in the passenger seat of his SUV.

  “I can’t do this,” I mutter under my breath. “I can’t do this,” I repeat a little louder. “I can’t fly half way across the world with someone I don’t even know. Why did I think I could do this?”

  “Relax, sweetheart. You’re just nervous. It’s completely understandable.”

  “This is insane. Why don’t you think this is insane?”

  “It’s not insanity, Elara. It’s adventure. It’s living.” He gives me an amused smile, his eyes meeting mine for the briefest moment before finding the road again. “Besides, you’re my daughter. I know you. You’re more like me than I think you realize.”

  “Mom always said I got my fearlessness from you. Though right now I don’t feel very fearless.” I blow out a breath.

  “Did she ever tell you about the time I jumped off the hotel balcony into the pool?”

  “Only like a hundred times.” I smile, my panic receding a bit. “She wanted to make me understand why it was careless and dangerous to do such things but I think it only succeeded in making me want to do them more,” I admit.

  “God she used to hate how much of a risk taker I was. Made her a nervous wreck.”

  “And now look at you; you’ve gone soft,” I tease.

  “I’ve gotten old,” he counters. “My body can’t do the things it used to do. If I tried jumping two stories into a pool now I’d likely break a lot more than just my arm.” My dad turns into the drop off lane at the airport entrance and slows the SUV to a stop.

  I knot my hands nervously in my lap.

  “You’ve got this, El. You know as well as I do that you will never forgive yourself if you let your nerves keep you from taking this chance. Life is all about chances, Elara. Chances, choices, memories. These are all the things we get. Don’t be afraid to dive in head first.”

  “Taking chances is what got me in this mess to begin with,” I remind him. “It’s why Kam isn’t here.”

  “That’s not true and you know it. What happened to Kamden was a horrible accident. You can’t live your life carrying the responsibility of that weight.” He reaches across the middle console and squeezes my hand. “The guilt never goes away.” His statement pulls my gaze to his. “That they died and we lived,” he clarifies. “But just because someone dies, Elara, doesn’t mean you stop living. Kamden would want you to live each day to the fullest, just as your mother would want that from me.”

  I think on that for a long moment, realizing he’s right. Kamden would want me to go. My mother would want me to go.

  “You’re right,” I finally say, forcing a smile to my face. “I should probably head in or I’m going to miss my flight and then none of this will matter anyway.” I let out another breath before pushing open the door, the late August heat hitting me like a wave the second I climb out of the SUV.

  My dad crosses around the back of the vehicle, retrieving my suitcase from the hatch before joining me on the curb.

  Even though I’m sure I didn’t pack nearly enough for a four week trip, I hated the idea of having to worry about multiple pieces of luggage along the way. I have enough to make do, assuming that washing machines exist in Italy.

  After doing some research I learned that Milan is in its peak summer season right now with temperatures right in the nineties, so most of my clothing is light and doesn’t take up a lot of room in my suitcase – so that helped too.

  “Call me as soon as you land in Chicago.” My father waits until I’ve nodded before continuing, “And make sure to text me when you’re boarding your plane for Italy and then again as soon as you’ve landed.”

  “I will,” I promise, realizing how nervous my dad seems. “I’m going to be fine,” I reassure him, figuring I owe him one after all the reassurance he’s offered me over the last couple of days.

  “I know you are.” He smiles, pulling me into a tight hug. “I love you, Elara.”

  “I love you too, Dad.” I pull back, looking up to meet his gaze. “You take care of yourself,” I say, wrapping my hand around the handle of my suitcase.

  “Always.”

  “Bye, Dad.”

  “Bye, sweetheart.” He offers me one more encouraging smile before I turn around and disappear inside the airport.

  I take another deep breath and let it out slowly as I look around the space, trying to figure out exactly where I’m supposed to go. I’ve only been inside an airport once before and that was when I was maybe ten or eleven and had come with my mom to pick up Aunt Carol who had flown in for Christmas.

  My mom wasn’t much of a flier, and while she had done it a few times when she was younger, she had only flown once that I know of after I was born. So to say this is new territory for me would be a very accurate statement.

  I walk around aimlessly for a couple of minutes, not really sure where to go or where exactly I’m supposed to be meeting Kane. He said he would text me where to meet him once he landed but I have yet to hear anything from him.

  Spotting a small bar to my left, I decide that a drink wouldn’t hurt and quickly cross the aisle to where it sits, accompanied by a handful of round top tables. Sliding into one of the stools at the bar, I order a whiskey from the middle aged bartender, drinking it down the instant he sets it in front of me, just needing something to take the edge off.

  “I’ll take one more,” I advise him. My phone buzzes to life on the bar top seconds after he turns to refill the rocks glass in front of me.

  My stomach twists when I see Kane’s name flashing across the screen and ev
en though I know I have to answer it, it still takes me a solid five seconds before I finally do.

  “Hello.” My voice is hoarse from the burn of the whiskey.

  “Hey. I just landed. Are you here?” He seems anxious which oddly puts me more at ease. At least I’m not alone.

  “Yeah. I’m at the bar around the corner from the drop off entrance.”

  “Perfect. I don’t think I’m very far from there now. I’ll meet you shortly.”

  “Okay,” I say, ending the call without saying more.

  The bartender has finished refilling my drink by the time I remember why I’m here and I instantly snatch up the glass and pour the amber liquid into my mouth. The burn isn’t as intense as the first round but it still has quite a bit of a bite.

  I feel the heat as it hits my stomach but I don’t have much time to think about it before my focus is pulled in an entirely different direction.

  “Is this seat taken?” His voice causes my skin to prickle and the little hairs on the back of my neck to stand straight up.

  I close my eyes, draw in a breath, before finally turning to meet his gaze. The second I do I’m rendered damn near speechless. Was he always so attractive? is the first thought that crosses my mind as I take in his disheveled brown hair and two day old scruff that lines his jaw.

  Holy hell.

  “Starting early, are we?” He smiles, gesturing to my empty glass when I have still yet to speak even one word.

  “I- uh…” I stutter, before finally snapping out of my fog. “I’m a little nervous about the flight. Thought this might take the edge off.”

  “I always have a drink or two before I fly.” He nods to the bartender, pointing to my glass. “She’ll have another and I’ll have whatever she’s having.”

  “I really shouldn’t.” I push my glass to the edge of the bar. “I want to be able to walk onto the plane myself.”

  “I’m sure one more wouldn’t prevent you from doing that.” He smirks, thanking the bartender who sets a whiskey in front of him before using the bottle to refill my glass.

  Kane waits until he’s moved on to another customer before speaking again.