The Road to You

by Melissa Toppen

  “But all my stuff.”

  “Will be waiting there for you when you get there,” he cuts me off. “I’ve already spoken to Carol. She’s taking care of getting all your stuff to her house for when you’re released.”

  “Dad,” I start but he once again cuts me off.

  “Whatever wall you’re trying to build between you and Kane, knock it down. Don’t shut him out. I know this happened to you, but honey, it happened to him too. Let him mourn the loss of his child with you. Let him mourn his brother with you. Because whatever pain you’re feeling, I can tell you from experience, he’s probably feeling it just as strong. Don’t let your anger and guilt get in the way of a chance to be happy. You deserve to be happy, my sweet girl. Your mother would want that for you. Kam would want that for you. And before you even think about arguing with me, just think about that for a moment and you’ll know I’m right.”

  “Learned a few of mom’s tricks along the way I see.” I smile, this time the action coming naturally as I think about my mom and all the things she would say if she were here.

  “She may have taught me a thing or two.” My dad’s smile matches my own but fades almost as quickly as it appeared.

  “I miss her,” I say.

  “Me too.” His brown eyes lock on mine and the emotion there damn near rips me in two. “But she’s still here. I see her every single time I look at you.” He lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles. “Get some rest,” he says, likely noticing the way my eyes keep fluttering closed and how hard I have to work to force them back open.

  I don’t know if it’s the medication or that my body is simply exhausted but I haven’t been able to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time since I came out of surgery nearly twenty-four hours ago.

  “Dad,” I call out right as he reaches the door. I wait until he’s turned toward me before continuing. “I’m so lucky to have you as my dad.”

  “I’m even luckier to have you as my daughter.” He smiles and slips out the door without another word.

  I wish I could say that my father’s advice somehow made everything miraculously better but that simply isn’t the truth. Don’t get me wrong, him being here has meant the world to me, but between him and Lynette, who’s fussed over me more than anyone else these last two days, I feel like I’m suffocating.

  Needless to say that when the doctor announced this morning that I would get to go home today, I did a silent little dance in my head at the prospect of getting a little time to myself. Time to process. Time to let all this sink in. Time to figure out how to proceed. None of which are things I can do with my father and Lynette hovering like they’re waiting for me to fall apart.

  I haven’t seen Kane since that first night. I know from Lynette and my father that he’s around but for some reason he’s opted to keep his distance. I’m just not sure if it’s for my benefit or his.

  I’ve tried not to dwell, tried to reassure myself that we’ll get through this and that he probably just needs time, but I also can’t shake the feeling that maybe he’s finally seen the light. Maybe he’s finally seen that I’m not the girl he thought I was. Maybe I’ve lost him forever.

  The thought makes my stomach twist so hard that I have to physically fight back the urge to throw up.

  Watching Lynette with my dad has made me feel a little better. Just seeing the smile that lights up his face every time she’s near is enough to calm the storm inside me. Even if only for a short time.

  It’s clear to see he cares a great deal for her and her for him. And while the whole thing is still a bit of a shock to me, you’d probably think I’d known all along given how easy we’ve all fallen into our roles.

  I’m sitting on the edge of the bed as my father slides on one of my shoes and then the other. A light knock sounds against the door right as he stands and Kane appears in the doorway moments later.

  I suck in a sharp inhale at the sight of him. He’s as breathtaking as ever but there’s also something so different about him at the same time. His dark eyes are rimmed with red. His normal short scruff is longer and unkempt. His hair looks like he’s run his hands through it a million times over; his silky locks wild and disheveled. But it’s his gaze that knocks the wind right out of me. The haunted, pained stare I first saw at Kam’s funeral is back, only this time it’s so much harder to see because I know it’s me that put it there.

  “Kane,” my dad greets him, turning to shake his hand as he steps completely into the room.

  “Sam.” Kane nods, keeping his eyes on my father. “Would you mind giving me a few minutes alone with Elara?” he asks, looking to Lynette for a brief moment and then back to my father.

  “Of course.” My dad slaps him on the shoulder before nodding his head toward Lynette, both leaving the room in a silent hurry.

  “My dad really likes you,” I say to fill the heavy air between us.

  “He’s a good guy.” He nods slowly, his dark gaze finally finding mine after what feels like an eternity.

  “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you before I left,” I say, my voice weakening.

  “Neither was I,” he admits, blowing out a slow breath.

  “Kane, I…” I start but he quickly cuts me off.

  “I need you to know that what I’m about to say has nothing to do with what you told me about Kam.” His words instantly hollow out my stomach and I attempt to brace myself for what I expect to come next.

  “My brother’s death wasn’t your fault, Elara. But that doesn’t mean it was easy for me to sit here and listen to you tell me what happened during his final moments. The image of him pinned beneath that four-wheeler, fighting for air, I haven’t been able to shake it.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I needed to know. I’m glad I know. But it made me realize something I didn’t want to see when we were in Italy.” He pauses, takes a slow breath, then continues, “I wanted you so badly I didn’t care that you weren’t ready. Or that maybe I wasn’t ready either. I ignored the signs. I was careless and selfish and I pushed way too much on you way too quickly.”

  “No you didn’t,” I object. “I was there, remember?”

  “Yes, I did, Elara,” he states firmly. “And this.” He gestures around the hospital room. “All of this could have been avoided if I had listened to myself from the beginning. You wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be hurting the way you’re hurting. You wouldn’t be experiencing yet another loss in such a short span of time. I did that to you.”

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “I did, Elara. And I can’t change it. What I can do is make sure I do right by you from here on out and that starts now.”

  “What does that even mean?” I question, panic rising in my voice.

  “It means I’m going to do what I should have done two months ago. I’m going to put what you need first. You need time to heal, Elara. And I’m going to give it to you.”

  “What I need is you, Kane,” my voice strains as I push to a stand, cringing at the pain in my stomach.

  He grimaces at the sight of me in pain and even though I feel like every part of my heart is shattering, a small part of it still swells.

  “What you need is to deal with your pain, Elara. I can’t be your distraction anymore. I can’t be the person you pretend with. I want all of you. The ups and downs. The accomplishments and failures. The good and the bad. I want it all. But until you deal with Kamden’s death, and I mean really deal with it, I’m afraid I won’t get that. I’m afraid I will only ever get the version of you that you want me to see. The one where the pain and guilt are eating you from the inside out and yet you smile and pretend like they aren’t there.”

  “I’m not pretending anything,” I bite, letting my anger take the lead.

  “You’re not convincing anyone, Elara.”

  “If this is because you don’t want to be with me, at least have the fucking courage to say so.” I try to fight back the tears that well behind my eyes but within seconds
they are streaking down my cheeks.

  “I do want to be with you.” His voice gets louder and I can tell he’s fighting to keep himself together. “Jesus, Elara. Have you not been listening to a single thing I’ve been saying to you for weeks? You think this is easy for me? That I would, that I could walk in here and drop you and walk away like it was nothing?” He runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “Fuck!”

  “I don’t know what you want from me. Kane. You want to be with me. You don’t want to be with me. Honestly at this point I can’t keep up.”

  “I love you.” He steps up directly in front of me, his hands on my biceps, his dark eyes boring into mine. “Do you hear me, Elara? I love you,” he repeats more forcefully. “I’m not walking away from you because I want to or because I’m scared. I’m giving you some time to deal with something you should have dealt with a long time ago. I’m not Kam, babe. I can’t be his replacement. And until you let him go, I’m always going to feel like I am.”

  “I never tried to replace Kam. I didn’t want this.” I gesture between us. “I didn’t set out with the intention of this becoming anything. But it did, Kane. Every second I spent with you I fell a little harder, and not because of Kam. But because of you. I fell in love with you, Kane. Not because you’re a replacement for your brother but because you’re you. Can’t you see that? My feelings for you have nothing to do with Kamden.”

  “I hear what you’re saying, Elara. And babe, I can tell you want to believe it. But I think deep down you know I’m right. Maybe I’m not a replacement for my brother, but he still exists between us. Because you refuse to let him go. I didn’t see it until two nights ago. Watching your face as you told me about that day is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever witnessed. And not just because he was my brother. Because it made me realize that this isn’t with me at all.” He lays his palm flat against my chest. “It’s still with him.”

  “Kane,” I start, but don’t get in another word before he cuts in.

  “I can’t compete with a ghost, Elara.”

  “You don’t have to.” My tears stream down my face, panic seizing through my body as I feel my desperation grow. “Please. You told me you’d move heaven and earth to be with me,” I remind him.

  “I will. But you have to be willing to do the same for me.”

  “Kane. Please don’t do this. Please, I need you.” My body gives out at the weight of what I know he’s telling me and it’s more than I can take.

  “I know you do.” He cups my cheek, tears swimming behind his eyes. “And I need you. I need you like I’ve never needed another person in my entire life. You are it for me, Elara. You’re all I want. And because of that I have to do what’s right for us right now. I can’t lose you down the road because there was too much left unresolved. You need to find a way to say goodbye to Kam, Elara. And baby, so do I.” He drops his forehead to mine. “Walking out that door will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.”

  “Then don’t do it,” I whisper, my fingers gripping his shirt.

  “You know I have to.” He pulls back, a tear sliding past his thick lashes onto his cheek. “One day, Elara Rose Menton, I’m going to give you everything you deserve. Love, happiness, a family. All of it. I’m going to give you everything. You will get my everything. Do you hear me?” He tips my chin up and forces me to meet his gaze. “We’ve lost so much. We both need this. You know I’m right.”

  “Is this because I lost the baby?” The instant I ask him, I know it was the wrong thing to say.

  “Elara, look at me.” His hands are on my face, forcing my gaze to his. “What happened here was beyond either of our control. I don’t blame you for this. I don’t. There’s nothing you could have done.” He lets out a slow exhale.

  “I know,” I admit, knowing he’s right. There’s not one single thing I could have done.

  “You need time to sort through all of this. I need some time too. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about you, Elara. Not for one single second. This is fucking killing me.”

  “It’s killing me too,” I whisper, an eerie calm settling down around me.

  “But you know I’m right,” his voice is soft.

  “I do,” I admit, feeling my heart shoot apart in a hundred different directions.

  “When you’re ready, you know where to find me. But not a moment sooner. When you walk back into my life I want to know it’s forever. Promise me.” He wipes my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

  “I promise,” I manage to choke out.

  “Thank you.” It’s the last thing he says before brushing his lips against mine.

  I close my eyes tightly and relish in the feel of him, in the smell of him, in the knowledge that this is all I will get. It’s the briefest moment of contact before I feel him step away.

  I hear his feet against the tile floor and the distinct sound of the door opening but I can’t open my eyes and watch him walk away, knowing that if I do there’s no way I’ll ever let him leave.

  It’s been a week since I returned home. One week since I moved back into the apartment above Carol’s garage. One week since I last saw Kane, or even spoke to him for that matter. One week since everything fell apart. One week.

  To say the last few days have been difficult would be putting it mildly. With my body’s natural hormone shift due to the pregnancy and everything going on with Kane, it’s no surprise that I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my own skin just about every second of the day.

  I wish I could say sleep offers me some reprieve, but so far no such luck. Hell, sometimes my dreams are even worse than my reality. Like the one where Kane never comes back. Or the one where it’s him lying under that four-wheeler instead of Kam. And I can’t forget about the one where Kane is holding our baby, trying to stay afloat but he keeps disappearing under the water until they both end up drowning right in front of me and I’m powerless to save either of them. I guess nightmares would be a better term for what I’m having.

  It only took one really bad one–the one where Kane was trapped under the ATV– before I picked up the phone and called him. He declined the call. I knew he had because it rang twice before his voicemail picked up.

  I left a panicked message that I needed to know he was okay. He texted me less than a minute later with one simple message: I’m okay.

  That’s it. Nothing else.

  I keep reminding myself that I’m supposed to be taking this time to heal. Up until recently I didn’t feel like I needed it. I felt like I had moved on, at least for the most part. I mean, as much as someone can given the circumstances. But now I know I was only pretending that I had. Lying to myself so I wouldn’t have to face everything that I buried. Everything that losing the baby brought to the surface.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been out walking but when I finally look around I find myself standing feet from the entrance of the cemetery. I wasn’t intentionally heading this way so I’m not really sure how I ended up here. I look up at the tall steel gate before turning my gaze beyond it to the small road that weaves through the cemetery.

  I haven’t been back here to see Kam since the day I left North Carolina nearly three months ago. Taking a deep inhale, I step through the gates, snuggling deeper into my sweatshirt. It’s not cold by any means but there’s definitely a crispness to the air. A clear sign of colder temperatures to come.

  It doesn’t take me long to find Kam. He’s at the back of the lot next to a large tree that looks like it’s older than the cemetery itself. As soon as I reach his headstone I plop down on the ground in front of it, pulling my knees up to my chest.

  I don’t speak right away. Instead I sit here, staring at his name etched in the stone, wondering what he would say to me if he were here right now. If I close my eyes hard enough I can almost hear him. His voice. His laugh. The way he used to say my name, or rather my nickname.

  “Hey, tater tot,” I say after a long while, reaching up to lay my palm flat a
gainst the stone in front of me. “Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve come to see you. Things have been…well, interesting. Of course you already know all that, don’t you? You’re probably sitting back, feet up, hands locked behind your head, enjoying the show. You always did find my ability to make such a mess of things entertaining. You’re probably having a good laugh at my expense right now, aren’t you?” I chuckle bitterly, crossing my legs in front of me before dropping my hands into my lap.

  “Nah. You wouldn’t have found any of this funny. And you certainly wouldn’t have let me lie in bed and wallow for the last week. You would have walked into my apartment, ripped the blanket off of me, and demanded that I get up. And I would have done it. You always did know how to make me listen. Well, almost always.” I pick at some of the long pieces of grass that have sprouted up around the base of his headstone.

  “You understood me like no one else. I miss that about you. I miss everything about you. But that’s one of the things I miss the most. Your ability to know exactly what to say, what to do, how to handle me no matter my mood. You were the only person that called me on my bullshit the instant it left my mouth and even though you would make me so mad sometimes, I could never stay that way. You would smile at me and I would instantly forget about the reason I was supposed to be mad. You knew it too. You knew what that smile would do to me and it worked, without fail, every single time.” I smile softly to myself.

  “God I wish you were here now, Kam. I wish you could tell me how to fix this. I wish you could tell me how stupid I’m being and to suck it up and put my big girl panties on.” I laugh before falling silent. “I wish you could tell me how to let you go,” I whisper but my words get carried off in the wind.

  Closing my eyes, I lean my face upward to the sky and let the cool breeze whip through my hair.

  “Tell me what to do, Kam,” I plead to the sky before turning my eyes back to his headstone. “I love him. I don’t know how it happened. One minute he was your brother and I wanted to be close to him because it made me feel close to you. And then suddenly it wasn’t about that anymore. It was about the way he looked at me. The way his hand would graze my lower back so softly it was barely a touch yet it could set my entire body on fire. The way he would smile at me.” I pause, letting the thought hang.