The Lumberjack's Nanny: A Forbidden Romance (Rockford Falls Romance)

by Natasha L. Black

  I didn’t know what to say to that. I felt honored in a way, and grateful that such a woman would give herself to me, knowing to expect nothing in return. Because the feelings I had for her would stay unspoken. It would be cruel to tell her I cared for her, was falling for her when it changed nothing. I wouldn’t lead her on. She deserved better. I kissed her forehead and took her in my arms and held her.

  “I wish things were different. I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t need to be sorry. I won’t go crazy over you or anything. We will be friends, like we have been all along.”

  “When I hang out with Noah, this isn’t what we do,” I quipped.

  “Really? Cause Laura and I have been best friends for years…” she teased.

  “Really. In all seriousness, I want very much to be your friend. I want to do all I can to help you get the diner. I want you to be happy. I realize what I want isn’t the most important thing here, but—”

  “Thank you. For wishing me well. I want the same for you, and I want Sadie to grow happy and healthy and brave.”

  I shook my head, stroked her hair and didn’t want to let go of her. The lack of hard feelings made things worse somehow. It would’ve been easier if she blamed me, hated me.

  “Somewhere in this backwater, there’s got to be a man or two with enough sense to realize your worth and to know he should give anything to win you over and keep you. You’ll get the diner, revolutionize the operation, and then you’ll have a minute to stop and look around. There’ll be a line of men with flowers waiting on you to have time to go to dinner.”

  “I hope they get the flowers from Trixie. Hers are the best, and I’m always glad to send business her way,” Rachel said.

  That almost broke my heart, the way she threw in hope for good things to happen to her friend, her successful and settled friend. Her loyalty, her wishing the best for everyone, including me when I was kicking her out of my house after sex—it was too much. I swear to God, I almost said it right then, almost said that I loved her. The only thing that stopped me was the knowledge that it would be a selfish and hurtful thing to tell her that.

  She gave me a hug and then slipped out of my arms and gathered her clothes. She disappeared into the bathroom and came back fully dressed, looking like nothing had happened.

  “Are you awake enough to drive? This road’s tricky in the dark,” I said, feeling a rush of fear seize my heart. She could careen off the edge of the high, twisting road, half asleep and tearful over my rejection. I’d never forgive myself. I was ready to tell her to sleep on the couch and we’d just tell Sadie she slept over because she was too sleepy to drive, and it wasn’t safe. “You can stay here—”

  “No, I can’t, and we both know it. It’s sweet of you to worry, Max, but I’ve been on my own a long time. I can take care of myself.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked, wavering.

  “I better be,” she said with a half-smile, “don’t stress out about this, okay? We’re fine.”

  “Text me when you get home. Please,” I said, knowing I had no right to ask it of her.

  “Okay,” she said lightly, and slipped her shoes on and left. I stood at the window and watched her taillights recede as she drove away.

  I regretted a lot of things in that moment. The biggest one was implying it had been a mistake and couldn’t happen again. Because I wanted her to turn the car around and come back to me. I wanted her to stay. I just didn’t know how to let myself have this, and I couldn’t justify risking my daughter’s stability and comfort for my own happiness. Because that’s what it was—my happiness. Not physical gratification or a fling. Somehow my happiness had gotten tangled up with Rachel.

  17

  Rachel

  That was the second glass I’d dropped and broken. I’d also mixed up a couple of orders, which was unusual for me. Except when I was in a total fog over Max Shaffer apparently. I scooped up the broken glass and went and dumped it in the trash behind the counter.

  Hugh, who had come in to look over the books that day, cleared his throat. “You need a break, Rach? Take fifteen.”

  “Thanks. I think you’re right,” I said.

  I untied my apron, hung it up and went out behind the building. I dialed Laura. I needed her to ground me and make me think like an adult and not a teenager.

  “Hey, what’s up?” she said.

  “Nothing, I’m just breaking shit at work today and I’m never this clumsy,” I said.

  “You slept with Max,” she said flatly.

  “What the hell? You play detective or something? How did you know that?”

  “You’re clumsy and you sound really down. So either he fired you, which I would’ve heard about by now, or you hooked up and it didn’t end well.”

  “Thanks, Sherlock,” I said wryly.

  “So how was it?” she asked.

  “You want details?”

  “Of course, I want details,” she said.

  “It was incredible, okay?” I said miserably.

  “How do you feel?”

  “I’m not sure. I mean, he woke me up and he was really nice about it but he basically asked me to leave because of Sadie, which I get. I don’t want to risk confusing her or hurting her either. But I have some, well, I have feelings for him.”

  “Am I supposed to fake surprise?” Laura said.

  “I guess not. My point is, we agreed to never do it again, and to go back to normal, and he said he was sorry. So, what do I do? Just pretend it never happened?”

  “My advice? You get a different job. This isn’t good for you. I’m not against you sleeping with whoever you want to sleep with. I’m strongly anti-him-hurting-you and that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t get out of there. Find a different way to make money to get the diner. This isn’t worth suffering for, and it’s going to make you suffer every time you see him and know he told you to leave. The guy kicked you out of bed.”

  “It wasn’t like that. He told me he was selfish to have slept with me, I deserved better than him—he was so sweet,” I said, my voice cracking a little.

  “Look, he slept with you, woke you up, kicked you out, and then whined about it and felt sorry for himself. This man is not convincing me that he’s a decent guy, Rach. Listen to me for once. Give him a week’s notice if you’re feeling generous and then get out. Avoid him as long as you can. Don’t even wait on his table at the diner. You have to take care of yourself, and Max isn’t worth it. He’s emotionally unavailable. And the only thing he’s right about is that he doesn’t deserve you.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “No, I’m right. What you’re saying is you don’t care that I’m right because you love him. Goddamn, Rach. I wanna go arrest him for this.”

  “That’s—really unethical,” I said with a watery laugh.

  “It made you laugh, so it was worth it. I won’t even check his past speeding tickets if you don’t want me to, but please, please quit this job.”

  “Laura, I can’t leave them in a bind like that. I’m going to keep watching Sadie as long as I said I would. I’ll just learn to deal with it.”

  “Then be upfront about things with him and watch out for yourself. Don’t let him break your heart. I have a nightstick, pepper spray, and a taser on me all the time. Don’t give me an excuse to use them on this guy.”

  “I love you. Even when you’re threatening with violence,” I told her.

  18

  Max

  I turned the steaks on the grill and listened to the sizzle of the meat. I could hear Sadie laughing as Noah pushed her on the swing. Last summer he helped me build a playset for her out in the backyard. We got a little grandiose with it, and it was huge. There were swings, two slides—one straight and one curly, monkey bars, a climbing wall, and a fire pole. She didn’t really do the fire pole or the monkey bars yet, but she loved the swings and slides. Noah came over for supper and the two of them were having a ball on the playset. It sounded like they were being pir
ates.

  While I watched the meat, I stopped to be glad the week was over. It had been that long since I slept with Rachel. We’d managed to navigate around each other and be polite since then, but it was a strain. I was always holding back, being detached with her. When I came in from work to find Sadie and Rachel dusted with flour from making homemade play-doh, their hands blue from food coloring, I had wanted to kiss the flour off her face. When I woke up in the middle of the night every damn night now, I looked for her and wished she was curled up on her side in my bed, her warm curves, the softness of her breath. I missed her with every fiber of my being. I missed laughing with her, sharing things about Sadie with her, missed burying my cock inside her eager, tight body, sucking her tongue into my mouth, making her cling to me. I was rock hard half the time now. After going a year or more without hooking up with a woman, I was addicted now. To the scent of her, the taste of her. When I had tossed and turned and finally gotten some sleep, I dreamed I was between her legs, eating her out, or I was holding her, kissing her awake. Not to send her home like I had in real life, but to roll her beneath me and claim her again and again. I’d wake up rutting against the mattress, miserable.

  Noah came over from pushing Sadie on the swing and looked me up and down.

  “Spill, brother. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” I lied.

  “Max,” he said, rolling his eyes at me.

  “I slept with Rachel.”

  “That’s fantastic, man. I thought you looked happier this week. She’s a terrific girl. And Sadie loves her.”

  “That’s not the problem. The problem is that I made the decision a long time ago to avoid this kind of drama. I don’t bring women into Sadie’s life like that. I don’t have affairs and bring women in and out of my daughter’s life in a revolving door.”

  “That’s—good, I guess. But unless you signed some contract that you’d never have a relationship because you’re a dad, that’s old news. When you meet someone you want to be with for real, that kind of shit goes out the window. Because it was to protect you and Sadie from fly-by-night flings that breeze in and out of your life. It wasn’t to protect you from a good woman who already has a strong relationship with your kid. Now it’s just an excuse not to be happy.”

  “I’m happy. I have my business, Sadie’s doing great—”

  “Partly because of Rachel,” Noah pointed out.

  “My furniture side biz is taking off, and there’s no drama. No bullshit of having to worry about somebody lying or cheating or leaving Sadie.”

  “Or leaving you. Like her mom left you with the baby and never looked back. Don’t waste your time taking a swing at me. You know I’m not wrong. Sadie’s not the only one you’re protecting. You’re scared that it won’t work out and you’ll be more miserable than you are now. Or that it will work out and you’ll have to let go of a little bit of control. For a guy who lives out in the woods, you’re pretty rigid. I’m saying this because you deserve the truth even when it sucks. We’ve all got issues and shit to work through.”

  “I was not in love with her mother.”

  “I never said you were. But you got left holding the bag. You love Sadie, and she’s fantastic, and I’d never want her to not be here. It’s just that your last carefree fling changed your whole life with the consequences. Maybe you’re not eager to see what else a woman could throw at you that you didn’t know how to handle.”

  “I am not afraid of Rachel or consequences.”

  “So I’m assuming you used a condom when you hooked up,” he said.

  “Shit.”

  “And we have learned nothing from past experience,” he chuckled.

  “She’s probably on the pill.”

  “Yeah, it’s probably fine. But you’re not acting like a man who doesn’t want a relationship. You didn’t use a condom. That tells me you want to be with her but maybe you’re not sure you should. So you roll the dice and leave it up to fate and maybe part of you hopes she got pregnant because that traps her.”

  “First of all, bullshit. Second of all, pregnancy doesn’t trap anyone, as you will see demonstrated by the fact that I’m a single father one hundred percent of the time. I would never do anything to snare Rachel against her will. That’s disgusting that you suggested it. I think I’m going to burn your steak just for that,” I said, flipping the meat and taking a long drink of my beer.

  Son of a bitch had a point, not about the condom, about the fact that I didn’t like the idea of Rachel deciding I wasn’t worth sticking around for. Trapping her was the opposite of what I wanted. I didn’t want to end up in a relationship with a woman who didn’t want to stay with me but wouldn’t leave because of Sadie. I didn’t want to ruin both our lives and then keep her here because she loved my daughter too much to hurt her.

  “Rachel’s terrific. Sadie’s happier than I’ve ever seen her, and you should really be more thrilled about this. I’ve known Rach a long time and she’s not afraid of hard work. She’s not the kind to bail on you when the going gets tough. You like her. She likes you. It’s all good, man. Don’t make this harder than it is.”

  He was oversimplifying the situation and I knew it. But instead of telling him so, I felt excitement. Happiness at the idea that this might be possible, that instead of screwing up by going to bed with her, that maybe things would work out. That I might take that risk, and that she might take the risk right along with me.

  During dinner, while I tried to coax Sadie to eat the potatoes and asparagus and not just the garlic bread, I thought how I’d like to have Rachel here with us, eating outside on a beautiful night, joking around and making everything brighter and better. Sadie even said it, she said, “You know who likes strawberries? Rachel. She showed me how to make a pie out of them. We used Jell-o. It got really bright and bubbled and then it makes it wiggly!”

  “Sounds like Rachel’s a lot of fun,” Noah said.

  “She is! We do picnics and we make art like she let me paint with this white gooey stuff but we put colors in it—it’s shiny!”

  “Condensed milk,” I explained. “And food coloring. It dries to a shine and it smells like—condensed milk,” I said wryly. “They do crafts and stuff. Like kids do with their babysitters.”

  “I used to stay with my grandma while my parents worked. We watched Young and the Restless together, and I learned how to mix gin and 7-Up for her.”

  “Okay, moving right along,” I laughed. “Maybe some sitters are better than others.”

  “I loved my grandma. And she liked her soaps and her mixed drinks. People have different standards. Point is, your girl Rachel’s doing a terrific job.”

  “She is,” I admitted.

  “She had supper with us, but it’s been a lot of days ago. I was gonna ask her last night, but Daddy was giving me a mad look right then.”

  “Really? Daddy needs to lighten up and have fun,” Noah teased.

  “This is fun,” I replied.

  “It’s fun, but it’d be more fun with Rachel,” Sadie said.

  She wasn’t complaining and didn’t sound gloomy, but she also wasn’t wrong. She was telling me clearly that she wanted Rachel to be here with us for nights like this. I couldn’t exactly say I was making all my choices with my daughter in mind, but still ignore what she was actually saying. The people closest to me thought Rachel was good for me. I wanted Rachel. The only thing stopping me, then, was myself and my stubbornness.

  I felt lighter, hopeful.

  “Maybe we’ll ask her to join us next time,” I said.

  “Oh really?” Noah said.

  “Really.”

  My whole body felt less tense. Talking and laughing felt easier, and the weight in my chest was easing off. Maybe this was something I could let myself have after all, Rachel in my life, something real.

  19

  Rachel

  Monday morning when I got to the cabin, Max wasn’t in his usual rush to get out of there. He asked how my weekend was. I was k
ind of used to him avoiding me, so I was a little flabbergasted.

  “It was good. How about you?”

  “Nice, we had Noah come over and I grilled out. Sadie played on her swing set. We hung out outside until the mosquitos decided the citronella didn’t bother them anymore.”

  “Sounds like you had a good weekend,” I said, not really knowing what to do with Friendly Max instead of Grumpy, Hurried Max. “I worked, but on Sunday night, I went for Mexican with the girls. We had a fun night out.”

  “Did you go to Gaucho’s? They have the best arroz con pollo. I’ve had it a couple times, but Sadie doesn’t really like their food.”

  “You can always get her a Happy Meal,” I suggested.

  “That’s true,” he said with a half-smile.

  “The next time we grill out, Sadie wants you to come. If you’re free.”

  “Really? Okay, well, if that’s what Sadie wants.” I said archly.

  “I want that, too,” he said. I just blinked at him for a second. I felt like my mind was blown and that maybe I needed to sit down and take deep breaths because Max Shaffer was asking me over for dinner with his kid after acting all distant and polite for ages.

  “I’d like that. If I’m not working,” I said.

  “You girls have a good day. We picked up some blackberries from the farmer’s market yesterday, cause Sadie said something about you teaching her to make a tart with pastry cream. I’m not sure what that is, but I’ll sure as hell eat it,” he grinned.

  “You’ll love it.”

  He left, and I felt happy and confused, which was better than sad and resigned. After we played outside and had lunch, Sadie and I started making a shortbread crust for the tarts. I taught her how to dump beans on the crust to weigh it down in the oven so it could blind bake and not gain too much golden color. By the time we’d put the pastry cream in the fridge to chill, my phone was ringing and it was Hugh. That was never a good sign.