“Spain wouldn’t have happened without you, don’t worry.” I beam.
Falling into a comfortable silence, Mati glances around, taking in the cobbled Spanish streets and the easy living a place like this provides. There is no rush to do anything. There is no pressure, no judgment. Being here has always felt right to me and I’m beginning to think that Mati feels the same way.
I won’t lie, I have wondered if she is only doing this to appease me, or to prevent another breakdown, but she seems to be enjoying life here and that is all I could wish for. I’m doing good and she knows that. She knows I’m not about to have another meltdown, not when I’m feeling so positive having her by my side.
My only hope is that it lasts. I mean, I know it will because it’s hard to feel down with Mati in my life, but I also know how things can change in the blink of an eye. So long as I focus on me, our relationship and our happiness, nothing can break me. Nothing can break us. It feels too good to let this go downhill.
Remembering I have an incredible woman by my side is my sole focus right now. How I behaved last week isn’t me. Its never been me. I’m doing good and it’s because of Mati. I don’t want to be the mess I was and I don’t want our life to be that way, either. I don’t need or want to sit in a bar drinking myself stupid. I know that now. I know that I can talk to Mati. I also know that it’s okay to be mad. Angry, even.
Being mad doesn’t give me the right to push my girlfriend away, though. It doesn’t mean I should receive a free pass for being a total bitch. Grief affects us all differently but one thing I have to hold onto is my girlfriend. If I don’t, this will all be for nothing. The life I see with her, the life I imagine we are going to have…it could all end one day, and I know it won’t be anything Mati has caused. I know that, so I’m going to continue fighting every day. Fighting for our happiness. Fighting for our love. Fighting for the life my mom would want me to have.
“What’s on your mind?” Pulling me from my thoughts, Mati stops in front of me and smiles, her dimple popping. “Huh?”
“I was just thinking about you.”
“Because…” She trails off.
“Because I can.” I inch closer. “Because I know how lucky I am that you took me back. That you continue to love me unconditionally. That no matter how I’m feeling, I’ll always have you.”
“You’re adorable.”
“I wake up every day and I’m so thankful that you took me back, Mati. I’m thankful that you gave me that chance. I know I don’t deserve it, but you…” My thumb ghosts over her bottom lip. “You are everything I need in my life.”
“You’re here now and the rest doesn’t matter.”
“I know.” I nod in agreement. “I know. I just feel bad for everything I did to you. You know?”
“No, I don’t know,” Mati whispers, pulling me towards a bench. “I don’t know because I’ve forgotten all about it.”
“Well, you shouldn’t.” My brow creases. “You shouldn’t forget about what I did to you. Leaving you hanging for all that time.” I scoff. “Mom’s death is no excuse for that.”
“Liv…”
“It’s not hard to answer a call. It’s not hard to write you a short email. None of those things were hard yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just couldn’t.”
“And that’s okay.” Mati takes my hands, pressing a kiss to my skin. “You know I love you and everything else is just a part of who we are. What we’ve been through.”
“How do you do that?” Those eyes sparkle. “You’re so positive about everything.”
“It’s something I have to do.” She admits. “If I’m not positive, life seems so much harder than it needs to be.”
“Mm, I think you’re right about that.”
“Tried and tested,” Mati smirks. “How about we walk some more and grab some coffee?”
“Let’s go.” Cocking my head and agreeing, I stand, and my girlfriend follows. “There is a place not far from here.”
“You think we will be doing this ten years down the line?” Mati falls into step with me and my arm wraps around her waist.
“I’m calling it right now,” I say with confidence. “Twenty years…at least.”
“That confident, huh?”
“That’s right.” I nod, Mati’s hand fitting so perfectly in my own. “I’m certain that everything will be as it should be.”
“Your mom would be proud of you,” Mati whispers as her head falls to my shoulder and we take a slow pace. “You know that, right?”
“I don’t know…”
“Hey, you deserve to be happy.” My girlfriend lifts her head and gives me a knowing look.
“Why?” I question. “Happiness isn’t guaranteed. Happiness isn’t a god given right. You have to be a good person to deserve happiness, Mati.”
“You are a good person, Liv.”
“Maybe you see that now, and I know in time I can be that person again, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like I have a good heart.”
“Well, you do.” My girlfriend says, confidently. “And it’s mine.”
“Yeah.” A smile curls on my mouth. “Yeah, it is.”
***
“Okay, one Cappuccino for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
I smile as I set Mati’s drink down in front of her. Dropping down in my seat, my back is facing the growing crowd of customers. I’ve noticed a few familiar faces since we arrived here but they’re simply acquaintances.
“This coffee is good.” Mati relaxes.
“Best coffee shop in town.” I agree. “This place has been here longer than I care to remember.”
“Another regular place for you when you visit?” Mati arches her eyebrow as she sips her coffee.
“God, yes.” A smile settles on my mouth as I glance around the place. “I’ve spent many days and nights here.”
“Nothing a good cup of coffee can’t fix…at least, that is what mom always tells me.”
“She isn’t wrong.” A sadness settles inside of me. “You know, whenever I wasn’t feeling great about things, life…mom would bring me here. We would sit for hours just talking. Usually about anything at all and at times, absolutely nothing. Just silence. Being with one another.” I clear my throat of any emotion. “By the end of the night, I’d forgotten why I was miserable to begin with. I’d forget why I’d been upset earlier in the da-“
“LIV!”
Furrowing my brow, Mati raises her eyebrow and points to whoever is behind me. I recognize the voice, but I can’t quite place it. Turning, I find a very familiar face smiling at me.
“Oh my god.” I groan as I sink further into my seat.
Why? Why me?
“Um, so as I was saying…mom loved this place and I’m glad you like it, too.”
“Who’s that?” Mati asks.
“Just an old friend.” I try to be as nonchalant as possible, but Mati sees right through it.
“An old friend?”
“Yeah.” I shrug. “Well, an old best friend…”
“She’s coming over here so you may want to seem a little more interested than you appear to be.” Mati lowers her voice and leans in. “She looks happy to see you…”
“Liv, how are you?”
Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I clear my throat and stand, turning to face my ex-best friend Nadia. She doesn’t look any different than she did some three years ago, and I’m struggling to understand why she is even talking to me right now.
“Hi.” I breathe out. “Didn’t expect to see you here. I thought you’d gone back home…”
“Yeah, I could say the same about you.”
“Just visiting.” I smile a half smile. “Spain isn’t my home.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t around for you.” Nadia’s lowers her eyes to the space between us. “You know…”
“It’s fine.” I lie. “I had people.”
“That’s good.” Nadia’s hand settles on my upper arm and she squeezes.
; About to turn around and resume my evening with my girlfriend, a woman approaches Nadia and her hand settles on her lower back. I don’t know what has changed since the last time I saw Nadia, but judging by their interaction, a lot.
“This is Leanne, my girlfriend.”
Wow, okay.
“Nice to meet you.” I acknowledge the woman standing beside my ex-best friend. “This is Mati.” I pull my girlfriend up to her feet. “Mati, Nadia.”
“Hi, guys.” Mati throws them a small wave. “Great to meet you. Did you want to join us for coffee?”
I know Mati means well and she’s kinda sweet like that, but right now isn’t the time for offering our company. It really isn’t. I know she doesn’t know about my past with Nadia, and I know I will have to enlighten her at some point, but I don’t want her in my space tonight. I’m not sure I’ll ever want her in my space again.
“Oh, no.” Nadia turns down Mati’s request. “We have to get going.” She throws her thumb over her shoulder. “When do you leave, Liv?”
“Monday. Early.”
“Maybe we could catch up before you go?” She suggests. “Where is home for you now?”
“London.” I slip my hand into the back pocket of Mati’s jeans, needing something to ground me. Steady me.
“Wow, okay.” Nadia’s eyes widen. “So, what do you say?”
Turning my attention to my girlfriend, I look at her as though she has all the answers in the world. Finding her watching me, a blank look on her face, she simply shrugs and allows me to figure this out for myself.
“Are you still on the same number?” Nadia decides that she has waited long enough for an answer to her question.
“Yeah.” I shift a little, awkwardness setting in.
“Okay, so I will message you tomorrow. See if you can fit me into your day at all.”
“Sure, yeah.” I nod in agreement. “See ya!”
Returning to my seat, I tug Mati down beside me and she looks just as confused as I feel. Nadia wasn’t there when I needed her so I don’t understand her decision to meet with me now. Perhaps it’s a guilty conscience, I don’t know. Whatever it is, I’m not sure I’m here for it.
“Has she gone?” I ask.
“Yeah, but that was kinda rude.” She shakes her head a little, clearly disappointed by my behavior. “Why the attitude? Or the lack of conversation, even?”
“I don’t want to meet up with her.” I sigh. “I have no reason to give her anything.”
“Oh.” Mati nods, a slight laugh falling from her gorgeous mouth. “She’s an ex, isn’t she?”
“No.” I hold up my hand. “She could’ve been, but she’s not.”
“Could have?”
“Yeah, a long time ago.” I really don’t want to have this conversation. It isn’t necessary. “Just, something happened…or didn’t for that matter but no, she isn’t an ex.”
“O…kay.” Mati draws out her words, hoping for me to elaborate. Honestly, there isn’t much to say about it. “If it was a long time ago, why don’t you want to meet with her?”
“Because I needed her.” My tone a little harsh, Mati clears her throat and sits back in her seat. “I’m sorry.” My hand settles over hers. “We were really good friends back in LA. I guess everything was totally one-sided and I kissed her. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did.”
“Okay…”
“We kept in touch when I left for Chicago. Always texting, emailing…because we were still best friends. Like, it was as though the kiss had never happened and our friendship was still great.” Toying with my coffee cup, I shake my head. “Even after I’d moved to Chicago, before I met you, and after, we were still in touch.”
“What happened?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.” I sigh. “Our contact slowed some, but she was always on the end of the phone if I needed her. When I went home before mom died, I called her. Nothing. I just wanted to hang out, you know? It had been so long since we had shared dinner or just met for coffee. She didn’t return my calls or my messages.”
“Not once?” Mati wrinkles her nose.
“No.” I shake my head. “Then mom died and I received a message from her. Just…out of the blue. I didn’t expect it at all and if I’m being honest, I think I would’ve preferred it if she hadn’t contacted me.”
Opening my purse, I take my cell from it, knowing that I kept Nadia’s last message to me. At the time, I wanted to find her and scream at her, but I couldn’t. She chose to remove herself from my life and whatever that reason was, I had to accept it. Scrolling through old messages, I find Nadia’s name sitting above the one in question, and I open it, handing my cell over to Mati.
Sorry to hear about your mom. Take care. Nadia.
“Wow.” My girlfriend scoffs. “She didn’t even come by to see if you were okay?”
“No.” A sad smile settles on my mouth. “Guess she had more important things going on in her own life, which is okay. I mean, I didn’t even know that she was dating a woman. She always maintained that she was straight.”
“Do you think that’s why she stopped contacting you?” Mati’s hand slides across the table and her thumb trails my knuckles. “I don’t know what happened when you kissed her but maybe she feels bad…”
“I don’t know. If that’s the case, she could’ve just said. I don’t care who she is dating so long as she is happy.”
“See, you do have a good heart.”
“I’m happy, Mati.” I face my girlfriend fully. “I’m unbelievably happy and I have been since the moment I met you. Nadia knew that, so why did she brush me off? Why did she send me that fucking lame message and expect me to just get over it?”
“I think you have to meet with her.”
“No, I can’t.” I disagree. “I needed her more than ever when mom died and she just dismissed me. I don’t care what her issues were, she should’ve at least called to check in with me. Friends don’t do that to you, Mati. They don’t leave you to grieve alone with no explanation for the cold shoulder they’ve suddenly given you.”
“I get that.” She presses a kiss to the back of my hand. “Just think about it, okay? You guys were obviously good friends. You wouldn’t be so pissed if you didn’t care.”
“Maybe, but this trip isn’t about her. It’s about us.”
“It is.” Mati agrees.
“And…” I take my bottom lip between my teeth, deciding that all talk of Nadia should end. “…you are looking pretty hot tonight.”
“Oh.” She narrows her eyes.
“So, what do you say we head back and I make you look even hotter, only…naked?”
“I say you should move your ass.” Mati stands and drags me to my feet. “Now!”
Chapter Seventeen
Mati
Finally back at our apartment, I glance to my right and Olivia is beside me. She hasn’t spoken much during the walk back but in all honesty, nothing has needed to be said. She has told me about her past with Nadia and now she is mulling over it all. What she said. What she did. How Nadia appeared at the coffee shop just a short while ago. I know it is all going around in her head, but that’s Olivia.
I don’t quite know how she is feeling and the longer we maintain this silence, the more likely she is to think too hard about it. I mean, is she mad? Pissed? Does she feel hurt by her meeting with Nadia this evening? Does she want to talk about it more or does she want me to simply hold her? I can do both, but I need her to tell me which she prefers.
She may just want to think about it alone, I don’t know. What I do know though, is that we have a night of just us planned and I’m not giving that up. No way. If I can grab Olivia’s undivided attention for just an hour, I’ll take it. If I can have her body beneath mine, I’m all for it. More than ever.
The door bleeping and clicking as Olivia swipes the key card down the lock, the sound pulls me from my thoughts and I step inside behind my girlfriend. Turning my back, my palm is placed flat against the door, my mind
racing as to what tonight will involve. Will Olivia’s mind be too occupied for rolling between the sheets?
Still facing the door, I feel Olivia’s breath wash over the side of my neck, her breasts pressing against my back. Yeah, she’s got her mind on me and nothing else.
“You make me absolutely crazy…”
My body responding, I can’t move. I don’t move. My palm still resting flat against the cool hardwood in front of me, Olivia’s fingertips ghost over the curve of my ass and come to rest on my hip. My chest heaving and my mind racing in anticipation, her hand moves around to the front of my jeans, and the button pops.
“That ass…” Olivia’s tongue trails the shell of my ear. “And this body.” She smirks. “God, it just…” She moans. “It keeps me alive. Breathing.”
The tone of my girlfriend’s voice lower than ever before, I can’t help but feel like her run-in with Nadia has flared some emotion up inside of her. Something has ignited this, and I’m totally here for it. Whatever her reasons, I’m pushed against a door and about to share that intense high with my girlfriend. That feeling of complete euphoria. A feeling only we share.
“L-Liv…”
Her hand covers my mouth gently. “Quiet, beautiful.” She whispers against the skin of my neck. “I just want to make you feel good.”
She always makes me feel good.
Her hand removed from my mouth, Olivia brings it to the front of my jeans and tugs at my zipper. Her fingers curling around the waistband, she slips the denim over my ass and down my legs.
“Mm…” She moans. “Black lace.”
I don’t know at what point I stopped breathing completely but my girlfriend is now on her knees and I know that if she continues this teasing, it may just end my life. Right here. Right now. Sinking her teeth into my ass, my lungs desperately crave the oxygen they are so very used to. The problem is, I don’t seem to be able to give them what they require.
I mean, she is now slipping my panties from my soaked center, and truthfully, the way her fingers travel up and down my thighs leaves me more than unsteady on my feet.
Where We Belong: Love Returns Page 15
