by Ashley Erin
“One time in school, Andie attempted to skip class. Instead of leaving the school like normal people, you know what she did?” Narrowing my eyes at Dax, he grins at me. “She went to hang out with some friends in the cafeteria, the first place they look when you’re supposed to be in class.” Sticking my tongue out at Dax, I turn back to Lucas.
“This asshat skipped school so much, a teacher legit fainted when he came to class.”
We’re all laughing by this point and Dax gets up to put in the movie. He dramatically holds his hand out to me.
“Truce? We both know too much and this could go on all night.” We shake on it, not all of our stories, our secrets, are funny. I don’t want to run out of the good stories and start reminiscing about the bad. Dax never forgave himself for not being there when Dad cut me and threatened Mom with my life. He had been out with friends, probably up to no good. After that he got even worse, trying to drown out the guilt. He still hasn’t come to terms with it, but I can see how much he is trying and for that I’m grateful.
Dax starts the movie, flicks the lights off and sits down. Reaching over, I squeeze his hand. He squeezes it back and leans over to hug me.
“Love you Nugget.” Ever since that night, Dax may not have been consistent, but he always made sure to tell me he loves me.
“Love you too.”
Dax and Lucas decided to do an original Star Wars marathon, in honor of Kensi. Thinking of her reminds me of the dares she imposed on me and I’m glad I have several hours to work up the nerve to execute them.
Kensi’s dares are always harmless, they are simply to pull me out of my zone and never something I don’t secretly want deep down, but they still require me to gather my courage and put myself out there. Telling myself to relax for the first movie, I can worry about them after.
Curling my legs up onto the couch, I set about getting cozy for the movie. My movements have my body pressing against Lucas’s and my feet under Dax’s legs. The warmth from Lucas’s body makes me shiver and I realize I’m cold, so I grab the blanket from the back of the couch.
“Hell Andie, could you please stop squirming!” Dax teases me. I try to hold still and pull the blanket over me. I look like a deranged T-Rex.
“Here, let me help.” Lucas chuckles under his breath and takes the blanket from my hands before spreading it and tucking it around me. I hold my body still, not even taking a breath as his hands move, brushing my body and sending tingles shooting through me. He settles back into the couch when he is done, but his movements have made me sink even more into him.
It’s hard to retrain my brain to just simply enjoy being close to him, Lucas has changed my initial impression of him, but years of keeping my distance from guys is hard to erase in a short amount of time no matter how much I want it to. Wringing my hands together under the blanket, I remind myself what Kensi said to me.
As I’m pondering, it sinks into me . . . I can’t let them win. I can’t let what my dad and DB did beat me. Not only am I stronger in body, I’ve made sure of that, but I like to hope I’m stronger of mind too. I can do this . . . during the next movie.
Lucas left 10 minutes ago to get the pizza and Dax has been smirking at me every minute since the door shut. I finally can’t take it anymore.
“What? Your grin is getting creepy, how you ever scammed anyone into thinking you are charming is beyond me!” Dax is charming, he can get anyone to tell him anything if he really wanted to. He knows I’m just running my mouth because that smirk is the one he turns on when he wants to know something.
“Something happened with you and Lucas today.” Damn him. His skills in observation have done him well over the years and now he is here all the time, observing me and my life.
Sighing, I eye him closely before grinning. “He kissed me. I guess it gave me hope that maybe Dad and douchebag didn’t ruin me for life. That I can get past it, my deep-rooted hatred on men.”
“Kissed you huh? Do I need to have the big brother talk with him?”
“NO!!” Dax laughs and gives me a hug.
“I’m happy for you, he’s a good guy. I can tell.” Arching a brow at him.
“Really, YOU think he is a good guy?” Dax has always had questionable taste in friends and he knows it.
“Okay, I knew they were no good. I avoided guys like Lucas for a reason. No sense in bringing them down.” Hugging him close, this is why I always stick by him. Even when he was making poor choices, even when he was spending weeks in juvenile detention, I always rooted for Dax.
“You’re a good guy. You don’t always show it, but deep down it’s there.” Grinning at me sheepishly he holds out his hand and places it on my shoulder. Shifting his expression into his bad ass, scary big brother look.
“I’m still a bad ass though!”
“Of course you are.” We’re laughing as Lucas comes in holding a couple pizzas. He just shakes his head and goes into the kitchen.
“I don’t know if I will ever get used to you two.” Dax and I join him in the kitchen, grabbing our dinner before heading to start the second movie. Dax shuts down the lights and I tuck myself under the blanket again.
After we’ve finished eating, Lucas takes our plates to the kitchen. When he sits next to me, he leans in. “Mind if I share?” I shake my head and lift the edge of the blanket for him. He pulls it over himself and goosebumps forming on my arm as it brushes against his. The blanket is not big enough for the both of us and it’s not fully covering me anymore. When I shiver, Lucas leans over and sees my exposed shoulder from where my oversized sweatshirt has slipped.
“If you squeeze in it should fit over both of us.” He whispers to me softly. His voice sounds slightly thicker than normal, causing heat to course through my body as I adjust my shirt over my shoulders again. Shifting my body closer to him, he lifts his arm over the back of the couch to make room and I snuggle into his side. Heart pounding, I feel the couch shake with Dax laughing silently, mocking my awkwardness. Looking over at him, I glare as he laughs at me. Lucas is either oblivious to Dax, or ignoring him.
Dax straightens his face and mouths, “Relax” to me. Turning back to the TV, I breathe deeply to release tension and enjoy the weird sensation of coziness with a man. I’ve held myself at such a distance and created such a cold exterior that it feels strange to allow myself to be open minded. Strange but . . . good.
Watching the movie helps me relax and I sink into Lucas as my body gets heavy. His arm keeps sliding down the couch and he apologizes as he lifts it back up each time.
Kensi’s dare is at the forefront of my mind and I want to be brave and take his hand in mine, but the fear of him rejecting me holds me back. I’m not brave, I want to be, but I’m not. It sounds ridiculous, especially as he was the one who initiated the kiss, why would he reject me, unless he didn’t like it.
No, I’m doing this because I can. I’m not going to let what other people did to me damage me forever. His arm is closer to me as it starts sliding down again, I can feel the heat radiating off of him. Waiting for the right moment seems to take forever, but when the weight of his arm rests across my shoulders it feels like I didn’t have enough time.
Taking a deep breath, I reach up to lace my fingers with his and hold my breath waiting for his reaction. Staring straight ahead at the screen, I feel Lucas looking sideways at me before gently squeezing my hand. Releasing my breath in a rush, I can’t help the small smile that spreads across my lips. His thumb rubs over my hand and I curl into him even more.
Cuddling is not something I ever thought I would enjoy. DB was never a cuddler, he always just wanted to go straight for the goods. Mentally shaking my head, I need to stop comparing them, Lucas has shown himself to be very different. The warmth and feelings of coziness is nice. I’m so glad I took a chance and listened to Kensi. Step one of the dare is complete. Now I just need to work up to step two.
“Guys, I don’t think I will make it through Return of the Jedi.” Dax yawns, as Star Wars: The Em
pire Strikes Back ends. “I’m going to head to bed. Do you want me to stick in the movie?” I look at Lucas and he nods.
“Yes please. We’re not lame like you.” Teasing him as he changes the movie for us, he kisses the top of my head as he passes.
Fist bumping Lucas, “Goodnight man.”
“Night.” His footsteps sound down the hall followed by the click of his door closing.
“This is my favorite one.” The silence feels different now that we’re alone and I feel the need to fill it.
“It’s mine too.” Lucas looks at me and smirks.
“Of course it is, gold bikini scene!” Meeting his eyes, I laugh as he shrugs his shoulders.
“Let me guess, you like the Ewoks?” Laughing, I nod. He’s right, they are my favorite. How can you not love them? They are so cute.
“I even have the Ewok movies.” Blushing as I admit this he tightens his arm around me as we return our attention to the movie. Stretching my legs out to the other side of the couch, I lean my head onto Lucas’s chest more content than I can remember being in a long time.
My eyes are getting heavy and the rhythm of his breathing is relaxing. He shifts on the couch to make me more comfortable, I look up at him and my heart pounds. Mentally coaching myself, I tilt my head up and brush my lips on his. He moans and wraps his other arm around me. Angling my head, I open my lips and he deepens the kiss, brushing his mouth over mine, our breaths intermingling.
Pulling away, I’m breathing hard and the rush of a perfect kiss runs through my veins. My body knows what it wants and my head is slowly catching up. He adjusts us on the couch so we are lying side by side and we cozy up for the remainder of the movie.
Tilting my head to hold the phone between my shoulder and ear, I grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
“Noah had his first swimming lesson without me today. He loved it! He really wants his Uncle to come see him one day.” Ava is gushing and it makes me happy to hear her doing so well. She began attending a group for young single mothers about six months ago and it has made a world of difference in her confidence.
“Tell my little man that I would love to see him!” It’s been too long since I have visited them, but my thoughts have been preoccupied with Andie. Thinking about last night makes me smile. She is opening up a bit; slowly she is letting me in. I almost fainted when she interlaced her fingers with mine and when she kissed me; I had to work so hard to restrain myself. By the end of the night my dick was so hard I’m shocked it didn’t bust my zipper.
“Lucas. LUCAS!” Ava’s voice cuts into my thoughts.
“What?” Snapping unintentionally, I soften my voice. “Sorry Ava, I mean . . . what?”
“I asked you a question and you zoned out on me, what’s going on?”
“Nothing, I’m just distracted.”
“Don’t lie to me. We’ve spent too much time together since I got pregnant with Noah for you to pull the wool over my eyes. I know when you have something on your mind.”
“I’m thinking about the girl who lives across the hall okay.” I’m feeling defensive because I don’t want her to think I’m going to leave her and Noah in the dust, but isn’t it time that I start living my own life too? That thought makes me feel guilty, Ava has sacrificed so much to be a good mother and all I need to do is help her out every once in a while.
“The one whose brother you hang out with? The one who I could tell you liked since the first time you let it slip that a girl moved in across the hall? So what’s going on? Did you finally make a move?”
“Miss know-it-all. We’ve progressed from being neighbors to being friends.”
“Uh huh. You will tell me when you’re ready. Okay, don’t get mad at me but . . .”
“Starting with don’t get mad at me is never a good thing.” Interrupting her I brace myself for the concern that I won’t be there for her and Noah. Ava hasn’t had to share me with anyone in a long time and I worry that she will be upset if I’m not as available as I have been in the past.
“Are you interested in her for sex? I just don’t want this girl to be another one of your conquests.” Floored by her concern for Andie, I’m both offended and proud of my baby sister.
“Thanks for your confidence in me, but no. She’s not like that and we haven’t done that yet.” I hope it’s a yet, I may be better than I used to, but I love sex and there is a spark that I think will ignite when we’re finally together.
“Ok. When can I meet her?”
“It’s pretty new Ava, give me some time.”
“Fine. I have to go, Noah is waking up from his nap.” She sounds so disappointed. It never crossed my mind that Ava would be disappointed in me for doing what I always thought was best, I always figured I had time to worry about myself, that the first several years of Noah’s life were more important. I hate letting her down.
“Love you sis.”
“Yeah, yeah. Be nice to your girl.” My girl. I like the sound of that. Tossing my phone on the charger, I open my text book in an attempt to get some homework done. Harrison may be young, but he is a hard ass when it comes to course work. This first paper on strategies of working with different educational needs is going to be a tough one. He wants a minimum of ten peer reviewed journals to be referenced alongside our own take on strategies that may be underutilized. We have less than two weeks to get it done.
Burying my nose into my text, I begin reading the chapters and try not to think about how much I want to say screw homework and knock on the door across the hall.
Andie and I made good progress yesterday. Part of me worries that not seeing her will give her time to second guess whether she wants to open up to me. Between little things that Dax has said, her body language and the fear that crosses her eyes every so often I can tell something has happened to her. Time watching Ava struggle has given me a rare bit of insight into reading the complex expressions on girl’s faces. Initially I used it to my advantage, but as I watched Ava battle depression and issues of self-worth, the guilt ate away at me. Sighing, I turn back to my text. She needs to do this at her pace, I’m just going to have to be patient.
Closing my Sociology textbook, Dax startles me as he comes charging into my room.
“Kensi has been blowing up your phone all day. If I hear the song Dark Horse by Katy Perry one more time, I’m going to lose my fucking mind.
“I’m sorry.” Laughing at his scowl, I shoo him out of my bedroom to call Kensi.
“Bitch, how dare you ignore me!” She greets me with the sternest voice she can muster.
“Bitch, I’ve got homework to do.” Laughing, I wait for her to get to the point of her near harassment.
“Ok, woman. I need to hear how it went. Did you do the dares?”
“I did. It was nice, I didn’t think I would ever enjoy a guy’s company as much as I enjoy being with him. He is sweet and sexy. I feel like I can be myself around him, I want to be myself around him. If I’m being honest, I don’t fully trust myself or him, but I want to. Fuck do I ever want to. I don’t want those bastards to win by ruining me.”
“Sweetie, you’re not ruined. No one would ever blame you for not trusting men after your experiences. I’m glad that you’re trying and I can’t wait to meet this guy! Exams are done here by December 15th so I’m going to move into the dorms before Christmas. Speaking of which, I have some good news!”
“Thanks Kensi! I am trying. So what’s your news?”
“I was able to get an apartment in your dorm complex! We’re going to be neighbors!”
“Hell yeah! Taking over this complex! They aren’t going to know what hit em!” Kensi goes off on her plans for moving and the countdown she has set up on her calendar.
After we say goodbye, I finish my homework and then lay on my bed. My fingers run over the scar on my hip absentmindedly as I think about Lucas. The way he makes me feel scares the shit out of me, but I need to see where it goes. I need to do it for me. For the me who deserves someone great and fo
r the me who needs to move on from the past. I don’t want to keep this anger inside me, it’s toxic and I can feel it wearing on me. I’m exhausted from maintaining my walls and keeping half the population at a distance.
Looking at the clock, I groan as I gather my belongings. I’m running late and even with the extra ten minutes, I’m cutting it close. Reaching for the doorknob, I realize I left my textbook in my room.
“Fuck, what the hell Andie?! Where is your head at?” That’s a question I don’t need to ask. For the first time in my life, I actually worried about what I was going to wear. I want to look nice for Lucas, we didn’t see each other yesterday and nerves have set in. Stumbling with a shoe half on, I race into my room, grab my text and hop on one foot to the door as I pull my shoe on. Pulling open the door I rush out right into the arms of Lucas.
“Whoa! In a hurry?” He chuckles as he catches me.
“Shit! Damn, I’m so sorry! I over slept and then couldn’t find anything in the disaster that is my bedroom. I hate being late and I don’t know how my head is still attached.” I’m rambling nervously, and Lucas laughs as he tightens his hold on me. I look up at him to start talking again. He bends his head down and kisses me, effectively cutting me off.
Wrapping my arms around him, I tilt my head back further and he deepens the kiss. Groaning, I tentatively slip my tongue into his mouth. I’m so nervous, I don’t have a lot of experience and I worry that he won’t enjoy the kiss. My worries flow away as he pulls me even closer. His tongue slides over mine, this is the most sensual kiss I have ever experienced. I lean my forehead onto his chest after he pulls away, both of us breathing hard.
“Now we’re officially late.” Lucas grabs my hand and we hurry to class.
“I don’t think we’re going to be able to sneak in.” The door to the class is open and our typical seats are empty.
