The No Asshole Rule

by Ashley Erin

  “But . . .”

  Kensi cuts me off, “No! No buts. I DARE you to shut up and listen.” Groaning in acquiescence, I wait for her to continue. “Lucas was right to turn you down. You cannot take that step when you are angry at your dad or to forget what happened with Kyle. Your first time with Lucas should be because you are caught up in each other and only thinking of the two of you. It should be because you are ready to create new memories, not forget old ones. It’s not fair to Lucas and you would regret it. If you really think it through you will see Dax was right when he told you that and I’m right in reaffirming it.” There is nothing I want more than to tell Kensi she is wrong, but her words are replaying over and over in my head.

  “Aw shit. Fuck, I have to apologize to not only Lucas but Dax as well. I’m not suited for this. I will apologize and then it’s time to move past everything.”

  “No. No. No. You’re not doing that. You’re heading in the right direction so I’m not letting you regress.”

  “Kensi, I tried it.”

  “It was going well, this is a setback. Every frickin relationship goes through this.” I wouldn’t know what relationships go through, but she is right about things with Lucas. It was going well and Lucas has surpassed my expectations.

  “I miss you Kenz. I can’t wait till you’re here. December feels so far away. Three months is too long.” I’m homesick for her, it’s only been a few weeks but when you’re used to seeing someone everyday there is this void that being away from them creates.

  Kensi and I chat for a while longer before she scolds me for avoiding what I need to do.

  “I’m not going to dare you to apologize because this is something you know you need to do. It’s not an option.”

  “I thought the dares weren’t optional?” Saying goodbye, I slowly get ready for the day and work out what I’m going to say in my mind.

  Dax is moving about the kitchen making breakfast when I peek my head around the corner. When he turns to look at me, I walk over and give him a hug. “I’m sorry. Everything I said was uncalled for, you’re not an asshole and I know you have my back. You were right about what you were saying.”

  “It’s forgotten.” Dax hugs me back and hands me a plate with pancakes on it, but I see the hurt in his eyes. I, of all people, should know the damage words can do.

  “Dax . . .” I whisper at him.

  “No, you were right in a lot of what you said. I wasn’t there for you with Dad and afterwards. I’m trying, Nugget, I really am.” He sounds so torn up as he moves about our tiny kitchen. Looking around, our countertop is full of dishes and covered in pancake batter, the effort he has put in to make me an amazing breakfast is obvious and I know this is his way of apologizing.

  “I know you are and I really appreciate it. Man, we’re both a mess.” As the words come out of my mouth, I finally notice the batter in his hair and flour on his cheek. Slapping a hand over my mouth, I try to hold in my laughter, but tears are streaming down my face with the effort.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Dax demands as he looks around the kitchen. “I will clean up.” His oblivion to the mess in his hair and on his cheek makes me double over as I no longer hold in my laughter.

  “You . . . you . . .” Unable to choke the words out, I sit up and circle my face with my hands. Dax looks confused and I burst into laughter all over again. “Mirror. You need to look in the mirror.” Dax shakes his head and heads to the bathroom.

  “What the fuck? How does that even happen?” He yells down the hall before the sound of running water covers the sound of his voice. Grinning as I eat the amazing pancakes he made, his grumbling as he washes up makes me chuckle. The tap shuts off and Dax comes back into the kitchen, scrubbing his face and hair dry with a towel.

  “Aww fuck!”

  “What?” Dax looks confused, especially as I smile widely at him, I’m pretty sure I look a little scary.

  “I should have taken a photo before telling you.” Pouting to myself. “That would have been good bribe material.” He laughs at the dejected look on my face and ruffles my hair.

  “Ha! So . . .” He hesitates, looking at me as though I’m going to bite him. “You need to go talk to Lucas too.” Sighing, I nod and check the time. I have about an hour before I need to go to class and Lucas should be home.

  “Fuck I hate this. It was so much easier when I ignored most people.” Dax chuckles and shakes his head before dragging me up from the table and giving me a gentle push toward the door.

  “Nugget, easier isn’t always better. Now get going.”

  I’m standing outside Lucas’s door, palms sweating and words incoherently flooding my brain. What to say? How to say it? Is he mad? Will he be done with me? The worst question, the one constantly whispering in the back of my head, will he hit me?

  When it comes to admitting I over reacted about something in relation to a guy, I’m terrible at it. This whole apologizing to one, other than my brother, is an entirely new experience. I don’t count the times I pleadingly apologized to my father when he would hit me, I was weak back then and that is not a position I will put myself in ever again. Shuddering as I think of the man that calls himself my dad, I shake off those thoughts, grow a pair of lady balls and knock on the door.

  Shuffling sounds inside his apartment and I wring my hands nervously as I wait for the door to open. It’s a matter of seconds, but feels longer before the door swings open. Lucas stands, braced in the doorway, wearing only a pair of boxer briefs and a sleepy expression on his face.

  “Holy shit.” The words slip out and I blush scarlet as a smirk flashes across his stunning face. “Ummm, I’m sorry I woke you. May I come in?” My words are stiff and formal, but I’m having a difficult time not staring at his impressive body. Little is left to the imagination and from what I glimpsed, Lucas is blessed. DB had a little shrinky dink in comparison.

  Lucas clears his throat and chuckles as my eyes snap to his. He is standing aside to let me in and there I was gaping like an idiot. Hurrying into his apartment, I kick off my shoes and plop myself onto the couch while running the palms of my hands over my thighs trying to calm the shaking and rid them of clamminess.

  “Do you want some coffee?” Lucas’s deep voice causes me to jump, I really need to focus and pull my head out of my ass.

  “Yes please.” My voice is crackling and I clear my throat. The few times I’ve been in Lucas’s apartment I haven’t taken much time to look around. His couch is comfortable and well worn, a large TV directly in front of it. He has several gaming systems set up and the end tables on either side of his couch are covered in controllers and men’s health magazines. There are a few pictures on the wall and I mentally note to look at them a little closer one day.

  Lucas takes a seat and hands me a cup of steaming coffee. Trying not to let the fact that he has made no attempt to hug me or touch me in the small ways he normally does worry me, I take a deep breath and meet his eyes. His expression is neutral and I’m really not sure how to take it. Whatever the outcome, I came here to apologize and that is what I am going to do.

  “Fuck.” Lucas raises an eyebrow at my curse and I can’t help but drop my head into my hands and mumble it again. “Lucas, I’m so sorry about yesterday. You were right that we shouldn’t take new steps when I’m mad, especially about my dad. It brought up some harsh memories and I didn’t know how to deal. It’s understandable if you want to stop seeing me, I’m a mess and who needs to deal with that? No one really, I don’t want you to waste your time on someone who is damaged goods like me.” Lucas keeps opening his mouth to speak and instead of giving him a chance, my defense mechanisms take over and I start to talk even faster. “If you knew everything about my family and me, you wouldn’t want to be with me anyways. You’re actually a nice guy, which says a lot when I say those words, but . . .” Lucas’s lips are suddenly on mine, cutting off the words spewing their way out of my mouth.

  He pulls his lips away from mine just enough to
mutter, “Andie, enough.” My hands wind into his hair and pull him back down, moaning as he deepens the kiss and sweeps his tongue inside my mouth.

  As quickly as the kiss started, it ends and I groan in irritation. Lucas smiles against my lips. “I will be right back.” Watching as he saunters to his room, he reappears in a pair of sweats and damn does he ever look good. When he sits back on the couch, he pulls me into his arms.

  “You aren’t damaged Andie. We all have a past, and I hope one day you share yours with me. I’m not proud of everything I have done, four years ago I wouldn’t have stopped you and I probably wouldn’t have called you the next day. That all changed when my sister, Ava, got pregnant at 15 and her boyfriend dumped her and moved on in what felt like a minute. I don’t want this to change how you feel about me, but you should know.” His words are a shock to me and I have to resist the urge to pull away, unintentionally tensing in his arms. Breaking out of my safety mold is not easy, but I can hear the disappointment in Lucas’s voice. Relaxing back into him, my mind tells me that I have seen no evidence he is that same guy. This isn’t a ploy to trick me, it’s him being up front. My throat closes up as I think about telling him details of my past.

  “I’m sorry, I’m not ready. To talk about the mess that is my life.” The words are whispered to him and I brace myself for anger. I wait for him to accuse me of not trying, but all he does is wrap his arms tighter around me and bury his face into my hair.

  “I know. Maybe one day you will trust me enough to open up. I can wait.” Guilt floods me, he’s right, a large part of me still doesn’t trust him. My dad was able to hide from me his true colors for a long time and it’s difficult for part of me not to suspect I’m being deceived. I need to remind myself that I was a child and had no way of knowing.

  “I’m trying.”

  The roar of my engine soothes me as I head to my parents to visit Ava and Noah. Andie has been on my mind the entire drive. It felt good to talk to her about my history with women. I didn’t really expect her to tell me her life story, but a small part of me wonders what happened to her that was so bad. Will she ever get over it?

  The ups and downs with her are so drastic that I never know what to expect. This morning I told her everything was okay, but as the day went on part of me wanted to bolt. I don’t even know why I felt the need to run, it just built up over the day until I found myself texting Ava that I was coming for a visit. I haven’t seen Ava and Noah for weeks and it was time to make the trip anyways and the fact that I feel like I need some distance helped push me to drive out today. I might even spend the night and skip class tomorrow, depending on how I feel. My brain scolds me for avoiding Andie as the realization dawns on me that I’m doing exactly that.

  Andie looked disappointed when I told her I was going to see Ava and Noah and didn’t invite her along. Am I ready for that step? Is she? Was I reading too much into everything?

  “Fuck! It was so much easier when they were fuck buddies or nobody.” Smacking the steering wheel I growl at myself and then almost immediately regret thinking that way. I’m so lost in my thoughts that I almost miss my exit. Swerving over the line to where I need to go, people honking at me as I cut them off.

  “Fuck, I’m sorry. Shit.” They can’t hear me, but I feel better having apologized for my shitty ass driving. Andie has me so tied up, I haven’t ever had this problem and I don’t enjoy it. Normally it’s the opposite, I know that’s a dick thing to say, but it’s the truth.

  This visit will be good, it’s time to clear my head and see if some time away will cleanse me of the pull she has. I don’t need to be so wrapped up in someone that I can’t be there for Ava. Out of everyone, she and Noah need me the most. They are my first priority and that’s where my head needs to be. Not that I’m saying Andie doesn’t fit, things with her just need to be a little less intense. She can’t take up so much of my focus.

  I need balance, and I’ve been so wrapped up in her that the scale has tipped drastically in one direction.

  My parent’s property looms up and I breathe a sigh of relief. I’m pretty damn lucky that I didn’t crash, the drive here is a distant blur. How can an hour and a half pass and I have no awareness of that time? This is what thinking of Andie does, everything else loses its clarity and I become single-minded. Shit this is no good.

  Parking in front of the four car garage, I make the decision to spend the weekend. Feeling like ass for being so avoidant, I send Andie a text. I don’t want her to know I’m avoiding, because I like her and in reality I know this is about me. Losing her scares me, but the intensity of my attraction to her is overwhelming.

  Me: I just got to my parent’s. Decided to spend the weekend. Maybe we can do something Sunday if I get back early enough.

  Andie: Okay. Have fun.

  Feeling like shit as I read her reply, I bang my head onto my steering wheel causing the horn to honk.

  Swinging my door open, I have one foot on the ground when I hear, “Uncle Lucas!” Followed by the patter of Noah’s little feet running down the driveway. Jumping out the rest of the way, I crouch down and he leaps into my arms. Spinning in a circle so his legs fly out, peals of laughter making my heart sing. I never thought I could love anyone this much, but I would do anything for this little boy.

  “Hey little man! How are you?” Propping him on my side, I lean down to grab my duffle bag full of dirty laundry from the back seat as Noah chatters about his toys and books.

  “He started pre-school.” Ava’s voice draws my attention and I see my sister leaning against the garage door. It’s hard to believe that she is only a year older than Andie. They have both been through so much, yet Ava doesn’t have the same aura of guardedness.

  “Isn’t he a little young?”

  Ava cocks a hip out and rests a hand there, her battle stance always at the ready. “No, he is not too young. Besides, as his mother, I think I know best. He has a year of pre-school and then he will be old enough for Kindergarten.” She hesitates, her eyes flickering between me, Noah and the ground. She has news she wants to tell me but doesn’t know how.

  “Spit it out Ava. What’s going on?” My eyes narrow at her. “Please tell me you’re not fucking pregnant again!”

  “No! Although good to know how you would react!” She glares at me and continues. “With Noah starting school part time, I talked it over with Mom and Dad. We’ve decided that I’m going to enroll in Parkland part time. Noah’s pre-school is Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. I can do classes later those afternoons and Tuesday’s and Thursday’s.” She pauses again, and I can see where this is going.

  “You and Noah can stay with me those nights. If you’re sure you can handle this, then I suppose I’m in support.” A beaming smile crosses her face and she runs over to give me a hug.

  “Thank you so much!” I kiss the top of her head and set Noah down.

  “Gives me a chance to help you and Noah out. How could I say no?” Ava rolls her eyes and takes Noah’s hand.

  “Mom and Dad can also watch him if I only spend a couple nights a week at your place. That might work better.”

  Following behind them I think about how much we have in common, all three of us have the same dark brown hair and blue eyes. Ava is not much shorter than me at five feet nine inches, our whole family is tall. Noah appears to be at least five instead of four due to his height. People have often mistaken Noah for my son when I’ve taken him out for Uncle-time, the looks of confusion on their face when I say he isn’t is hilarious.

  “Noah, let’s play hide and seek after I put some laundry in.” Noah claps and starts talking about all the places he wants to hide inside the house causing Ava and I to laugh. As soon as we are inside, Noah goes off to hide.

  Ava follows me to the laundry room, she is relaxed and smiling. “So tell me about this girl?” So much for clearing my mind of Andie. As I begin tossing laundry into the washing machine, she starts tapping her toes. “C’mon. I want to hear about her. You haven
’t spent any time with a woman since you were 18, there must be something special about Andie. Wait, she is a girl right?” Giving her the finger as she starts laughing.

  “Yes, she’s a girl. Are you saying you wouldn’t support me if she wasn’t?”

  “If you came out right this minute, I would hug you and say I always figured you were a whore to cover up your secret.” She laughs at her joke and I finally turn and glare at her. She is going to continue on this trajectory until I give her some details about Andie.

  “Andie is beautiful and sexy. She is smart and interesting. She is distant, cautious and guarded. I don’t know Ava, something happened to her in the past and she is so up and down, it feels like she is always looking for a reason to think less of me, to find a reason that we won’t work. She’s already run and it is brand new.” Ava watches me carefully as I continue to fling clothes into the washer, before slamming the door and pouring detergent into the dispenser, my frustration pouring off me. The irony is not lost that I’m hiding away at my parents’ house for a weekend because I can’t handle the intensity of how she makes me feel.

  “Maybe she is.” Jerking around to look at her again, she narrows her eyes studying me almost as if she is deciding if I’m worthy. “She might very well be looking for a reason, any reason, to believe that you aren’t there for her, that you are the same as whoever hurt her. Take it from someone who has been hurt, you watch for the signs and even when part of your mind tells you that you’re being ridiculous a larger part is filing away the little things and your heart whispers that it doesn’t want to face hurt anymore.”

  Ava’s voice gets louder as she goes on and her eyes blaze with passion. Joe really hurt her with Noah and as much as I hate it, he still impacts her. The only time she cries is when Joe has done something. “If you’re not willing to ride that storm, prove to her over and over that you’re different and that you are a good person, then you’re not right for her. If that’s the case you need to step back.”