by Ashley Erin
His eyes show the war he is waging on whether he wants to tell me the full truth, I arch my eyebrow at him. “Nugget, I think Dad may have someone tailing you. I have noticed a few guys around when I’m out for class and they always appear when you are close by, lurking in the shadows. If they see me, they disappear. These guys are good, I’ve tried to follow, but they’ve lost me. It’s suspicious and it’s worrisome. I need to be on top of my game so nothing happens to you.”
His eye drops to my hip, before meeting my gaze with a determined expression. “I won’t let him hurt you ever again.” Bile from the fear his words have caused rises in my throat and I bolt to the washroom, Lucas and Dax calling my name. Throwing myself into a stall I fall to my knees and my stomach empties itself, heaving until I’m dizzy. My hand is resting instinctually on my hip and tears stream down my face. How did he find me?
Dad likes to play these games. His goons have allowed us to see them on purpose and my mind hurts trying to figure out what his plan of attack is. Leaning against the stall wall, I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Staring blankly ahead of me, I’m startled when someone crouches next to me. Nella. Seeing the compassion in her eyes, I start crying even harder and she sits next to me, wrapping her arms around me in silent comfort.
“What are you doing here?” My tears have slowed and hiccups sneak out as I realize the gym is not somewhere Nella would normally be.
“Ok, so you talk about fitness so often, and I see how strong you are. I was inspired. I want to be strong too.” Feeling far from strong in this moment, I appreciate the distraction from the turmoil inside. “Anyways, as I was coming in Dax and Lucas were hovering by the door debating who would enter and they saw me and basically shoved me in the door. So what happened?” Her voice is soft, gently pushing me to open up. We’ve become quite close since we had our first sleepover, but I still haven’t told her much of my past.
Pulling my lip between my teeth, gnawing on it until I draw blood, I ponder on how much to tell her. Nella sits quietly, not pushing, but waiting for me to process and it’s that quiet, non-judgmental presence that makes my choice.
“When I was a child my father would use me as a tool to torture my mom. She quit reacting to his abuse, so he began to abuse me instead because it hurt her. When I was 12 years old, he held a knife to me and cut me, slowly, purposefully as he watched pain fill her. I have the scar to prove it. He threatened to continue cutting me unless she did something. I can’t even remember what. That was when Mom finally made the choice to actually pack us up and leave him, not just threaten it. I try to understand she was scared. I’ve taken enough Psychology classes to know how scared she was and understand the cycle of abuse, but I can’t help but resent her for staying with him, letting it get to that point. We barely speak and I’m still stuck in the middle of her and Dad.
“He tortures me trying to find her, who knows why. He is sick. Now I find out from Dax that he probably has some freaks following me. Why can’t I escape this? Your father is supposed to be someone who protects you, not who you feel the need to learn to protect yourself from.”
Nella reaches over and grips my hand tightly, her eyes filled with unshed tears at my story. Together we sit silently, lost in our own thoughts. The pain of the memories, the fear of what he would do to me is always present somewhere in my mind.
Frozen in place, my mind is reeling from what I just heard. A combination of guilt and anger flood me. Knowing she was telling that to Nella in confidence, I should have turned around rather than listening in on her opening up, makes me feel guilty. Yet the whole time she was talking, it was as though my feet were rooted in place, unwilling to let me leave. Always craving to learn more about her.
How could any father do that to their child? Even Joe’s absence from Noah’s life is better. Nothing would satisfy me more than to do serious harm to the man who calls himself her father. Turning on my heel, Dax clamps a hand over my mouth before I can shout in surprise at him standing right behind me. He is so quiet, it’s a little frightening. He presses his forefinger to his lips, telling me to shut up and pulls me quickly out of the locker room to a quiet corner where we can still see when the girls exit.
“What the fuck, man?” I whisper harshly. My throat feels like I’ve swallowed razor blades, so I take a swig of water from the bottle I forgot I even had.
“I’m not surprised Andie hasn’t told you. Honestly, I’m surprised you’re still around.” I start to protest, but he cuts me off. “You’ve managed to work your way into her trust zone, it’s not an easy task, but there is still so much that you don’t know, that was the cliffs notes version of what he did to her. I’ve never seen her look at anyone the way she looks at you, Lucas. She will get to where she will open up, eventually.
“That being said, you cannot and will not tell her you overheard. She will be pissed you were eavesdropping and ashamed that you know. Aside from Kensi, Nella is the only one who knows how our childhood was. She will tell you when she is ready. I will not let that asshat hurt her again, I failed as a teenager and I won’t fail again.” Dax’s voice is filled with pain, regret and conviction. Slapping him on the shoulder, I agree to keep silent. It doesn’t feel right to not tell her, but Dax knows her better than anyone.
Andie and Nella come over to us, Andie’s bag is slung over her shoulder and her eyes are red from crying. Pulling her into my arms, heart beating fast at the pain I feel for her, I hold her tightly. She drops her bag to the ground and wraps herself in my embrace.
“I don’t feel like working out anymore.” She whispers.
“Okay. Let me grab my stuff.” She holds me back as I go to move away, shaking her head.
“No, get your workout in. I’m going to go to Nella’s and work on homework with her.” My gut wrenches as I nod, she kisses me and walks away. I can feel her shutting down and it’s physically painful. She didn’t even say she would talk to me later.
“Fuck. Andie always seems to pull away every time your Dad pops up. I can just see her shutting down, going into her head where it’s comfortable.” Exhausted, I force myself to work out despite the urge to chase after her and never let her go. Dax looks at me in sympathy, but doesn’t deny it, he knows I’m right. It will take some time to get her out of her head.
Midnight rolls around and I still haven’t heard from Andie. Pacing the floor, I contemplate texting her, going so far as to type the words out before deleting them with a growl. Feeling helpless and lost is not something I enjoy. Dax said to give her space and I’m trying, but as I’ve discovered, that’s not something I’m good at. Turning on the TV to distract myself, it doesn’t take long for me to start pacing again.
All I hear is the sound of my feet brushing on the carpet. Stopping at the window, snow is falling, illuminated by the lights and creating the illusion of peace. Underneath the disguise is a layer of black ice that has not yet disappeared. Classes are cancelled the rest of the week to accommodate the snow plows and sand trucks. It’s been advised that no one leaves campus until Monday, it’s Wednesday. When we got the news this afternoon, excitement over spending four days uninterrupted with Andie was all I could think about. That excitement is gone and in its place is unease; every time something like this happens I feel like I’m going to lose her. I can’t lose her over something that we can work through, something that I can support her to work through.
A soft knock sounds at the door, heart pounding as I rush to open it, relief floods my body as I see Andie on the other side. For a moment we just stand and stare into each other’s eyes, I’m waiting for her to make her move, not wanting to push her away.
Her hazel eyes search mine, gaze intense. Holding my breath, I don’t know what she is looking for and my heart pounds from the strain of resisting pulling her into my arms. Her throat moves seductively as she gulps and steps into me. Her arms wrap tightly around my waist and her cheek rests on my chest, head tucked securely under my chin. Air rushes into my lungs as I breathe in gulps
of air, relief causing my knees to shake. Gently moving us inside, I shut the door and lock it. Picking her up, she wraps her legs around my waist and I move us into my bedroom.
Tossing her one of my t-shirts, we silently get ready for bed. My mind is full of questions, but I bite my tongue and wait for her to speak first. Pulling my shirt and jeans off, I crawl into bed, holding the blankets up for her. Andie curls into me, wrapping her arms around me again. Still silent.
Andie lifts her eyes to mine and pulls her lower lip between her teeth before releasing it. Running my tongue along my lower lip, almost groaning as her eyes follow its trail, before she returns her gaze to mine, I have to fight the urge to roll her onto her back and make her forget what happened today in a way I know I’m good at.
“I’m sorry I ran today.” Her voice breaks through the lust filled fog in my brain. Remorse makes her voice crack.
“You did warn me not so long ago that you are a flight risk.” Winking at her, I try to lighten the mood and almost fist pump the air when she smiles for the first time since I opened my door.
She laughs softly and despite the seriousness of the day, my dick hardens at the sound. Andie doesn’t miss it, her eyes darkening, but I know we need to stay focused. “Do you want to talk about what happened at the gym?” Her eyes refocus on me and she shakes her head no, then yes and then shrugs her shoulders.
“Lucas, I want to tell you. These past couple of months have been so wonderful and your patience has astounded me. The words are there, I just can’t seem to make them come out.” Her words are soft and I can hear the fear behind them, she is worried one day I won’t be accepting of this answer.
I’m not sure if that day will come, but for right now I’m willing to wait. One day she will need to open up about what I heard today. I hope it’s soon so we can try to move past whatever holds her back.
“Of course. Whenever you’re ready, I want you to tell me when you feel you can trust me with it.” The words come out and I freeze, not intentionally having said them in a way that could be construed as a guilt trip. Instead of saying anything, she kisses me gently on the lips and curls into me.
As I watch her fall asleep, I realize that I will wait as long as it takes for her to open up to me, she is worth it. Sleep finally pulls her in and she is completely relaxed. Her warm body curled into me, face tranquil with no sign of the stress of the day and a small smile on her face.
Andie is so beautiful inside and out, despite what she has gone through and despite the distance she creates with others, underneath it all is a woman who works so hard not to let anyone down the way she has spent her life being disappointed. As I watch her sleep, a smile on my face as she shifts even more tightly into my arms, I can’t believe I was ever nervous to start something with her. Something about her pulled me in right from the start and imagining a life without her borders on painful. Realization strikes me as my eyes grow heavy with sleep. I’m falling in love with her.
Saturday morning I roll over and bury my head under the pillow when Lucas shakes me awake. I’ve spent the past three nights here and he is irritatingly perky in the morning.
“No. More sleep.” I mumble groggily at him. He chuckles and despite my sleepy state, moisture pools between my legs. Damn he’s sexy. Peeking out from under my pillow, his blue eyes dance with silent laughter at me. He pulls the pillow out from under my head and tickles me with his breath as he kisses my neck. Something has changed in him since I showed up at his door Wednesday night. He had been so quiet and while I was grateful, part of me was scared I had finally chased him off. Since then he has been light hearted and teasing, helping me forget what Dax had told me on Wednesday.
Lucas lifts the shirt I borrowed from him over my head and lowers his lips to my breast, tongue swirling over the nipple before he blows cool air onto it causing it to tighten and stand erect. Moving to the other breast he repeats this and I’m squirming in anticipation. In the weeks that followed our first sexual experience, I waited for the excitement and arousal to pass, but each time has just gotten better.
He continues to tease me until he knows I’m awake. He is confident in bed, he knows all of my buttons and makes sure to push them, much of his pleasure is gained from mine.
Tingles follow Lucas’s lips as he moves down my body before teasingly trailing his tongue over my folds and sucking on my clit. He licks, nibbles and blows until my release hits me, shudders wracking my body as he slowly, torturously moves back up my body, positioning himself between my legs, sheathing himself with a condom and pushing into my hot, wet core. We both groan at the sensation and I meet him thrust for thrust. His lips melding with mine, our tongues moving together until we are both panting for breath.
Every time with Lucas makes me feel closer to him, the tenderness in his eyes as we look at each other, the way his hand will stroke my skin, he makes me feel cherished.
Lucas begins to move faster, pushing harder into me, combining a delicious mix of pleasure and pain until I feel myself tighten around him. His name escapes my lips as an amazing orgasm rips through my body, every nerve ending firing as I soar in a way only he can make happen. Lucas groans as he comes, collapsing on top of me as though holding himself up is no longer possible. We lay there entangled, occasionally pressing a kiss to each other’s skin.
“I love waking up with you in the morning.” He winks at me and I can’t help but giggle at his playful grin.
As Lucas goes to clean up, despite over a month of experiences telling me otherwise, my body tenses waiting for him to tell me I’m not good enough and to leave. Silently I scream at myself. If he was going to do that, he would have done so by now, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from fearing the worst.
Lucas comes back into his room, smiling softly until he sees the look on my face, the look that greets him after every time we have sex. He sighs in defeat and I can see in his eyes that he wants to ask me to tell him why I react like this, but he doesn’t want to push me. Crawling into bed, he pulls me into his arms, the same as he has done since day one and stays silent, comforting me until I relax. He tickles my back, patiently waiting for me to come back to him.
“When I was 17 I decided to give in to the pressure of Kyle, my boyfriend at the time, and have sex. It was my first time and I gave in because my only other boyfriend had dumped me when I refused to sleep with him.” The words start spilling out as the need to share a part of myself with him overcomes me. His hand that was rubbing up and down my back stills for a moment before continuing its soft trails.
“He wasn’t gentle, despite me telling him it was my first time and I didn’t enjoy it, at all. He was rough, almost forceful and after it was done he told me I wasn’t what he needed or wanted and asked me to leave. Not to make it awkward. He then left the room, I got dressed and left. He was another asshole teaching me what it was like to open myself up to a man.”
Lucas’s hand stops once again, his breathing is coming in fast spurts. Trying to pull away, he tightens his arms around me and buries his face into my neck. Planting kisses on my shoulder, neck and face, he moves away enough to meet my eyes. His normally peaceful blue eyes are dark and stormy. My heart pounds, unsure of his reaction even though he has yet to give me a real reason to doubt him, as I wait for him to speak.
“Andie, he is an asshole who didn’t deserve you. Any part of you. I promise you, I will never do that.” He smiles at me, the seriousness fading away, replaced with humor. “I kind of like you, even though you’re a flight risk, and I plan on sticking around.” As he leans in to kiss me, something flashes in his eyes that sets my heart pounding erratically. Unable to pinpoint the look, I relax into his kiss and feel the weight of one secret lifted off my chest. Now I just have one big one to go.
“I can’t wait to see you next weekend! I need girl time. Lucas better share!” Kensi and I have been FaceTiming for about 45 minutes while I search for something to wear on my date with Lucas. She called me crying because the guy she had been seeing
was also sleeping with another chick at the same time. This has happened to her a few times now and she swears she is done with guys she knows she has no future with.
Smiling at her, I’m glad her tears have stopped. She is so tough, I hate seeing her hurt. “Oh he will. He’s excited to meet you.” Turning my attention back to my clothes, all of which are spread on my bed and covering my floor, I growl in frustration. “How the hell am I supposed to dress for a date when I don’t know what we’re doing?”
“Just show up wearing that sexy lingerie I made you buy in the summer.” Rolling my eyes as I recall shopping with Kensi and her daring me to buy lingerie because and I quote, “You never know.” Ignoring her suggestion, I pick up clothes and toss them aside almost as quickly.
“He did say to dress warmly. I wonder if we’re going outside. It’s been snowing all day and I guess a bunch of students lined some of the hiking trails with tiki torches and lit them.”
“Ok, let me run your wardrobe through my mind. You’re not going to like anything until you see it on.” She’s right, I hate picking out outfits and until recently I didn’t care a whole lot. “Alright I’ve got it!” Mischief shines in her eyes and I brace myself for whatever scheme she has come up with. “First of all put on the lingerie. We both know you’re having sex tonight, bitch.”
“No, I’m not wearing that. I can’t pull it off, I’m just not that confident.”
“Shut the fuck up, yes you are. I can see it shine from you when you tell me about your sexcapades, you just don’t know it.” Still shaking my head, I’m about the refuse again. “I dare you.” She smirks at me as my shoulders fall in defeat and I dig out the lacy black ensemble she had picked out for me.
