by Ashley Erin
Winking at Andie as I leave my room, I can’t help but laugh when she dramatically throws herself back onto my bed with a groan. Her obvious attraction to me has given a boost to my ego, especially as I know her previous experience with the male gender hasn’t been overly positive.
The coffee is percolating, and I’m searching my fridge for something to eat, when Andie’s bare feet appear in my vision and her arms wrap around me. Closing the fridge door, I turn in her arms and revel in how well she fits against me. In just under four weeks, I’m crazy about her and the reality check Ava gave me yesterday was just what I needed. Seeing where this is going, earning her trust is important to me, I want to deserve her.
“I need to go get ready for class.” She sighs in what seems like regret, I can’t help but frown as she pulls away to start putting on her shoes.
“It’s Friday, let’s skip and do something fun. We could drive into the park and do some sightseeing, or hang out here.” I waggle my eyebrows at her on the last suggestion and she giggles at me making my gut do freaky things that I’m not used to. I need to figure that shit out, it’s disconcerting.
Andie is about to answer when her phone pings, she pulls it out of her pocket and glances at the screen. Her face loses all color and her eyes widen, filling with tears. She quickly swipes the screen and her fingers move quickly before she throws her phone and rubs her temples.
Wrapping my arms around her, I hold her tightly. “Is your dad still bothering you?” She nods mutely and buries her face into my chest.
“I don’t know why he is so obsessed with Mom. He must be a psychopath or something. He needs help, but he will never seek it out. Whatever it is, I can’t give in, but I’m scared of what he will do.” Andie has insinuated on a few occasions, as has Dax that their father is a scary person. She sounds like she has been on the receiving end of that a few times.
Unable to hold in my curiosity I blurt, “What are you scared he will do?” Clamping my lips shut, I anxiously wait for her to reply.
Andie’s eyes shutter and her face becomes guarded and closed off. “He just makes some bad choices.” Her response is surface at most and anger floods me that she still won’t share even an iota of information. Gritting my teeth, I nod and pull away. Andie’s arms fall limply to her sides and I hate the look of hurt that crosses her face.
Reaching for her hand, I push aside the feelings of anger and try to remember we’ve only known each other for a short time. Would I want to spill my guts if shit had happened to me?
“I’m sorry. I told you I would wait and I pushed. I’m a fixer and it’s hard for me to rein that in.” Ava would be kicking my ass right now, hell I’m mentally doing that. At the same time, it would be nice for her to give a little. She gave you her body, that might be a lot for her. Andie’s free hand moves to her hip where that scar I noticed is and part of me wonders if it’s tied to her dad. I shake that notion off because it’s too terrible of a thought. Squeezing her hand, I pull it to my lips and kiss her knuckles. “So, are we skipping today?”
She looks over to where her phone lies on the floor, miraculously intact, and meets my gaze. “Yes please. I don’t think I can focus on school anyways.” She smiles at me and it seems apologetic, but instead of allowing her to dwell, I pick her up and swing her around. We need to change the tone of the day.
“Awesome! What should we do?”
“Paintball?” Her suggestion shocks me and I realize how much I still have to learn about her. Everything I do know is amazing and I could seriously fall in love with this woman. Whoa! Love? Shock fills me, that is not a word I have ever associated with a non-relative.
Gulping, I smile at Andie, “Sounds great.” My mind is reeling from that word and while I know that I’m not there yet, the fact that I could get there and she might not reciprocate those feelings scares the fuck out of me.
Creeping through the trenches, I search out Lucas to shoot him with my brightly colored paintballs. I’m happy we made the hour long trek to Rocky Mountain Guns Paintball Park. The park is huge with different game zones and Lucas paid so we were the only two each time we hit a zone. Right now we are in the trenches and the hair lifts on my neck every time I hear a sound. Cramming myself into a nook, I check my gun to make sure it’s fully loaded. We are pretty evenly matched, I’ve impressed Lucas more than once with my skills.
He has a fluorescent pink splatter right in the center of his back and another one on his shoulder that also splashed onto his cheek. It’s fantastic. Somehow this has been exactly what I needed today and Lucas plays a huge part in that.
This morning when he asked me about Dad, I froze. It’s one thing to open up little bits, but to fully share my experiences with Dad and DB, I don’t know if I’m ready to be that vulnerable.
Lucas doesn’t fully realize how much having sex with him was a big step for me and I know I should explain it, but every time I try, my throat seizes up and I can feel the bile of panic rise in my throat. Even more terrifying than opening up is that I want to. Lucas has managed to bulldoze his way through so many of my barriers in a very short amount of time and that is completely unnerving. It’s not something I expected and it’s something I’m definitely not prepared for. What is it about him that pulls me out of my safety net, the rules I’ve maintained for over two years?
The crackle of some fallen leaves being crunched and the softest of curses alerts me that Lucas is nearby. Pushing my thoughts aside, I refocus on the game, making myself as small in my hiding spot as I can. His shadow creeping up gives him away and I leap out shooting in his direction, pulling the trigger twice just to be safe. The splat splat of the paintballs hitting him makes me smile and a laugh sneaks out as he stands there shocked
“Woman, it is terrifying how good you are with that gun. In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse I know who I’m teaming up with!” Lucas smiles at me good naturedly, but it turns wicked when I double over as a glob of pink paint slides down his goggles and onto his nose. Lucas lunges at me and tackles me to the ground, sheltering me in his arms as we fall, and leans his head down close to mine.
Heart pounding as he looks into my eyes, his blue ones searching, I open my mouth to say something, anything, to distract him from drilling into my soul. It always feels like he sees too much and I’m not certain I can handle his reaction to what he will find.
Lucas doesn’t give me a chance to say anything, he lowers his lips to mine in a kiss so soft yet so hot that I’m quivering with need. My body has apparently decided to wake from its hibernation and thinks it needs to make up for lost time. Deepening the kiss, I moan as he bites my lip and presses his body into me. His fingers find the snaps of the coveralls I’m wearing and his hand is quickly sliding into the waist of my yoga pants. Moans slip out of me as his fingers push into me and thrust in and out with the rhythm of our kiss. Breaking away from his lips, I pant as his thumb teases my clit and I choke back a cry as his fingers bring me my release. Lucas nibbles on my ear before reluctantly pulling me up so I can fix my coveralls.
“We better move to the next zone before I lose all self-control.” His voice is rumbly and makes me shiver with desire, I watch as he adjusts himself and grimaces before winking at me. How did I ever think this man was an asshole?
The next zone is a man-made town. It has two streets of buildings, broken down vehicles and a creepy park similar to what you might see in a horror film. Lucas is on the opposite side of the town and I run to one of the buildings. My goal, the tower in the center and the square. If I can get there before Lucas, I’m guaranteed to win this round.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lucas entering a building and take off for the tower while he is out of sight. Diving for the shadow of the tower, I see Lucas’ head pop up and look towards where I just came from. Smirking to myself, I edge towards the ladder and wait for my break. The ladder is in shadow and I decide to brave it. Taking a deep breath, I begin climbing.
I’m about half way up when I feel the hit.
Followed by a second one on my side. Lucas is in the lower level of the building, a huge smile on his face as my jaw drops in shock. He blows on the end of his gun in victory as I drop down from the ladder.
“Damn.” He laughs at my disappointment, vaulting through the window and coming to stand next to me.
“I feel like I’ve earned my man card back.” Laughing at him, I elbow him playfully in the ribs.
“I’m still winning.”
Several hours, countless paintballs and probably a couple decent sized bruises later, Lucas and I are on our way home. The day has been amazing and the more time I spend with him the more I can feel my resistance crumbling. I want to open up to him, tell him why I act the way I do, but part of my brain says it’s still not ready. You’re still looking for him to slip up. Mentally shaking my head, I try to deny this but I can’t.
Realistically I know how fucked up my past has made me and until Lucas I was happy with the defense I put in place to safeguard myself from further damage. He makes me want to change and that continues to scare the shit out of me. The ironic thing is, I know how much I’ve already changed and it’s been for the better, so the hold up with just telling him about the abuse is all me being stuck in my head.
“I love this song.” Lucas’s voice combined with him turning the volume up on his stereo makes me jump. Radioactive by Imagine Dragons blares out his system and he looks at me in shock when I start singing along.
“What? Imagine Dragons is awesome!” He refocuses on the road and joins me in singing. It amazes me how much we have in common, it’s shocking really. I almost always feel alone, sometimes even when I’m with other people. Lucas has managed to complement me in ways I need while sharing enough similarities that we have yet to run out of things to talk about.
I open my mouth, trying to form words and tell him something about why I am the way I am. Instead, I croak and start coughing. My body is physically turning against me, Lucas pats my back, concern filling his eyes as he tries to focus on the road.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just inhaled funny.”
Lucas pulls into his parking stall and shuts his car off. The quiet feels loud and we sit silently for a while. The opportunity of trying to say something, open up a little, hangs heavy in the air. Gathering my wits, I try to form the words.
“Andie.” Looking over at Lucas, he leans in and gently kisses me. “I have never had so much fun.” His blue eyes are warm and his smile stirs up a swarm of butterflies. Do butterflies even swarm? Well they do in my stomach.
“Me either.” I whisper and it’s the truth. This morning was amazing and then the shit with Dad. I didn’t think this day would turn around, but from the moment we got into Lucas’s car I have not thought of my father.
Getting out of the car he laces his fingers with mine and we head upstairs. The chance to open up passes and I’m disappointed in myself for not leaping.
Dax is playing video games when we enter my apartment. “Figures.” I mutter.
“You’re home! I should talk to that boyfriend of yours, but I know you can kick ass if you needed to. Come. Sit. I need my team.” Dax goes to the main menu to enter multiplayer mode and we chuckle as we join him on the couch.
Smiling in contentment all I can think is how perfect this day has turned out to be.
The rest of September and all of October pass quickly and quietly. Relief at not hearing from my father is overshadowed by worry about what he could be planning or doing. November has been chilly and snowy so far, but the blur of the months is filled with Lucas and our relationship. Smiling to myself, I look over at him as we walk to class. Every day he surprises me a little more.
We enter into our Ed Psych class and Lucas pulls me up the stairs to our usual spots while I try not to make eye contact with Carla. She continues to make disappointed and warning faces at me despite Lucas telling her off, it feels like so long ago that he did that.
“Dude, we are having a Fall Break party at your house next Friday.” Dean comes running up the stairs behind us and I roll my eyes. He is a total player and normally I’m put off by that, but between Lucas slowly pulling me out of my shell and Dean’s annoyingly charming personality, I have warmed up to him.
“Why are WE having a party at MY house?” Lucas slaps Dean on the shoulder and they do the bro hug as Dean goes into detail about his latest conquest. Tuning him out as soon as the words “banging tits” come out, I go over the latest assignment we have to hand in. Harrison is an amazing prof and his class is really enjoyable. I’ve swapped out a couple of my classes for more of his next semester. He is cute too, that doesn’t hurt.
“Kensi is coming up for Fall Break.” I cut into their conversation, no longer able to stomach Dean’s overly detailed description of what he wants to do to this poor girl. “P.S. that woman is a person. Do you even know her name?” Dean has the decency to look slightly ashamed, but it doesn’t last long.
“Is this Kensi hot?”
“She is and she would eat you up and spit you out. Don’t. Even. Think. About. It.” I enunciate each word carefully and give Lucas a look that says he will be held personally responsible for Dean’s behavior towards Kensi.
Lucas smirks and kisses my cheek before whispering, “You know he’s all talk.” So Lucas says, the jury is still out. Although, if I’m being objective, I have yet to see him with an actual girl.
Harrison comes in the room, calling attention to the front of the room.
“Dean, out!” He yells up to where Dean is sitting in a desk. This has become their routine and I’m glad Harrison seems to have a good sense of humor.
Dean grins and saunters out of the room, trying to fist pump Harrison on his way out.
“He’s so . . . so . . .” Faltering as I try to find the word I’m looking for to describe Dean.
“Arrogant? Egotistical? Conceited?” Lucas laughs as he fills in words he thinks I would use to describe Dean.
“Unapologetic. Don’t get me wrong, he’s cocky and self-assured, but he does everything in this way that you can’t even be mad. It’s really fucking annoying.” We laugh quietly and pass our assignments up to the front up the class.
Later that day, I’m changing into my gym clothes for Lucas and my daily gym date when Carla corners me with my shirt half on and unable to escape.
“He’s just going to hurt you. You think he’s all sweet. You think you’re able to keep him from moving on to the next conquest, but you can’t.” Her voice is waspish and it’s worse than fingernails scraping down a chalkboard. Her intent is malicious, it’s apparent in the jealousy lurking in her eyes.
Pulling my shirt on the rest of the way while rolling my eyes, I look at her with my bitch face firmly in place. “Carla, I think we’ve established that I don’t believe you. Now please, just leave me alone.” Her looks, her voice, everything about her exhausts me. I can’t believe I used to tolerate girls like her, hang out with them and call them friends. She reminds me of everything I sought to change after high school. Quality over quantity. Genuine people over the fake smiles and backstabbing tendencies.
“Fine. Just trying to help.” She makes a popping noise as she says help and turns on her heel in a huff. Despite how well things are going with Lucas, I can’t shake the doubt that surfaces every so often.
Carla is malicious and fake, but despite knowing this, the poison she spews settles in the back of my mind. I allow her poison to take root emphasizing the doubt that’s always hidden, just waiting to resurface. There is no reason for it to be there, Lucas and I have been together for a couple of months and yet I am continuously shying away from any topics that give too much away about my past, we focus on the here and now. I can tell Lucas finds it frustrating, he has told me pretty much all I need to know about his family and his past, yet I hold mine close, locked tight in a vault.
Kensi hounds me regularly to open up a little. She says I will lose him if I don’t and she always gets frustrated when I act like I
don’t care. The thing is, I do care. The thought of losing him because I can’t seem to open up physically hurts, yet the words won’t come out. Sighing, I slam my locker door and head into the gym, plastering a smile on my face as I see Lucas waiting for me.
“What are we working today?” Lucas asks with a smile. We have begun to coordinate our workouts and I have to admit, it has been nice.
“Arms and shoulders. How do you not have the schedule memorized yet?” He grins at our usual banter and I smack him on the arm. “Annoying.” Shock fills me as I see Dax in the gym. Aside from going to class and getting food, he doesn’t venture out much.
“He’s decided he missed the gym and wants to get back into the shape he used to be in.” Lucas informs me. Worry floods my senses as I watch Dax pound on a punching bag, anyone who doesn’t know him like I do would simply see intense focus. I see my brother, the one who typically works out at home to maintain a healthy physique, but focuses on the bag when he is prepping for something major, something illegal. Stalking over to him, Lucas trailing behind clueless as to why anxiety is written all over my face.
Stopping, I lean against the wall and wait for Dax to finish. Jab. Cross. Right hook. Jab. Cross. Left hook. Upper cut. Round house kick. Repeat. He bends down to grab his towel and wipes the sweat off his face before turning towards me, arms crossed and ready to do battle.
“The bag? Really? I thought you were cleaning up? What is it this time? Someone hire you to ‘retrieve’ something? An underground fight?” Crossing my arms, I mimic his stance and let the disappointment seep into my tone.
Dax’s jaw clenches and he just stares at me for a moment. Sighing, he drops one arm while gripping the back of his neck with his other before pulling me into a hug. Looking at Lucas over my shoulder, Dax pulls me away from him with an apologetic smile. “I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t. I missed the feeling of working out with the bag and decided it would be good to get out of the house more. Especially since I can’t take the bike out.”
