The No Asshole Rule

by Ashley Erin

  “I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday. You kind of inspired me to reach out. She wants to meet you. I’m thinking after their vacation, although I don’t actually know when they leave, I never thought to ask.” Andie is smiling softly as she tells me about her conversation, her courage is something that never ceases to impress me.

  “I’m really glad Andie, I would love to meet them.”

  Love. It’s interesting how easily I say that word in everyday life. I love coffee. I love that TV show. I love this or that. Yet when it comes to telling Andie I love her, I haven’t been able to gather the courage. The fear that she won’t reciprocate is so strong.

  I’m going to tell her, after our last final. This weekend.

  “Oh, I forgot to mention, Kensi is going to come over tonight for a girls night. We’re celebrating being done with the semester. I thought it would be okay because you still have one tomorrow.”

  “Oh yeah, that’s fine. I need to review tonight anyways and we both know how much of a distraction you are.” She giggles and rolls her eyes as we make our way to our seats. I will be glad to get this final out of the way. It means only one more and then a three week break to spend with Andie.

  Andie is waiting for me outside the classroom, she was the first one to finish writing the final.

  “Wow! Harrison does not mess around with making sure you learned the material, but I think I did well. How do you feel?” Andie’s excitement is contagious and despite the fact I have one more exam to go, I pick her up and swing her around.

  “I actually feel really confident. As I read the questions it felt like the answers were right there. I guess that could be bad if I’m recalling things incorrectly.”

  “I doubt that. I know you have to study and I have girl’s night with Kensi, but want to have an early dinner tonight?”

  “That sounds perfect. I have the ingredients for chicken alfredo, how does that sound?” Andie makes a drooling face and we both laugh as we head back to our apartments.

  “Can we have garlic bread too? I think I have a loaf of French bread, I can whip up some garlic butter.”

  “You know we can’t have chicken alfredo without it, I think there is a law against that.” Teasing her, I go to bite her tongue when she sticks it out at me.

  “C’mon, we have some time to spare before we need to cook and I know just how to fill it.” Andie smirks at me as she sees my expression, it drops from her face as I bend down and throw her over my shoulder, weaving in and out of students as she laughs and demands I put her down.

  Dax peeks his head into my room. “Kensi is here, I’m going out with Jaden and Carter. I don’t really want to listen to girl talk, paint my nails and have my hair played with. Actually, I like having my hair played with, but the rest of it, just no.”

  “You’re not invited anyways. Have fun with the guys.” I follow Dax out into the living room and grin at Kensi. She has spread out pillows and blankets, Bridesmaids already in the DVD player. Looking at the coffee table is junk food, makeup, nail polish and mud masks.

  “Definitely out of here, I can already feel my man card being revoked simply by being in this room.” Dax laughs at his joke, shutting the door behind him.

  “He’s doing better here than you thought, isn’t he?” Kensi pats the pillow next to her and I sit down. She presses play on the movie and starts brushing my hair.

  “Yeah, he’s really turned his habits around. I thought it would be harder on him, but maybe he was finally ready.”

  Her hands still in my hair. “You both have been making amazing changes, I’m so proud of you. Things seem like they are going really well.” Kensi puts down the brush and starts braiding my hair. It seems silly, but I love doing this shit with her.

  “It really is, meeting Lucas’ parents went really well. I even called my mom and told her about him.” I’ve turned to look at Kensi when I say this, knowing her reaction will be worth it.

  I’m not disappointed.

  Her eyes widen, jaw opening and closing kind of like a fish. “That’s huge Andie! Like majorly huge. Huger than huge.”

  “How many times are you going to say huge?” Laughing, I play with a hair elastic as she continues to mumble to herself. “Hey! Keep playing while you mutter to yourself like a crazy person.”

  Kensi finishes doing my hair and we swap positions. The movie holding our attention as Annie tries to capture Nathan’s attention as she drives by topless. We’ve seen this movie tons of times and it’s still as hilarious as the first time.

  “When are you going to tell him you love him?” Kensi’s question surprises me. She moves to sit next to me, this is going to be a serious talk.

  “I don’t know Kens. That’s such a huge step and he hasn’t said it.”

  “Why can’t you say it first? Maybe he doesn’t want to push you because he knows how big a step it would be.”

  “It would be a big step for him too, he doesn’t exactly have the best relationship history.”

  “It only takes one person to make a difference. You of all people should know that.” Her voice is gentle, but her words are a slap in the face.

  “Me of all people?”

  “Don’t take it like that. Lucas has changed you, he has helped you open up. You have always been strong, but you never truly lived. You were simply existing.” Kensi takes my hand and squeezes it. “You really should tell him.”

  “I was going to wait until he said it first.”

  “Andie, you can’t always wait for things to happen to you, take initiative.” I start shaking my head, but Kensi cuts me off before I have a chance to speak. “Andie, I dare you. I dare you to tell Lucas you love him.”

  “No, Kens, come on. That’s taking these dares too far, we promised . . .”

  “The other Lucas dares . . .”

  “What?!” Lucas’s shocked and angry voice cause us to whip our heads around. He is standing in the doorway to my apartment. The look on his face is so angry, I’m frozen as my childhood instincts take over.

  Kensi doesn’t notice and excuses herself to my room to give us some privacy.

  Anger surges through me as I replay the words I just heard Kensi say. I was a dare? That’s so fucking cruel, I fucking knew better than getting involved. No, it’s not true, it can’t be true. I cling to the hope that I’m making a rash assumption.

  “Please tell me that I’m completely misunderstanding what I just overheard. Am I a fucking dare?” My voice is low, seething. Andie sits frozen in place, her eyes wide and doesn’t move or say anything. “Seriously? You aren’t even going to say anything? You’re not going to lie, you don’t even seem to care. Please Andie. Please tell me I’m misunderstanding the situation.”

  She sits there silently, staring at the ground. “Well, I guess that’s my fucking answer. Silence.”

  My chest is heaving, pain spreading as she continues to stay frozen in place. My voice lowers even more as the realization sinks in that she doesn’t care enough to even fight for us. I stand there, my anger disguising my fear that I never really had her. “I guess this is it then. I came by for my notes, if you really have nothing to say, I will grab them and be on my way.”

  She hasn’t moved by the time I leave her room. I stare at her, trying to give her one last chance before turning abruptly and slamming the door behind me. Grabbing my keys from my pocket, I head to my car.

  Slamming the door, the anger that was surging through my veins floods out of me, leaving hurt in its wake. I never would have thought Andie could be so deceitful, she didn’t seem to have it in her.

  I can’t even go anywhere, I have an exam tomorrow. I glare at the notes in my hand, if it weren’t for them I would still be in a blissful bubble.

  My hand on the handle, a movement at the entrance to the building catches my eye. The guy looks vaguely familiar, something about his features. Except he looks like shit, like a junkie in between fixes. Opening my car door, he catches me looking at him and scurries away into
the darkness.

  That’s fucking weird.

  Back in my apartment, signs of Andie are everywhere. Toys for the kittens, little notes she left for me and an army toy she had splattered with paint to remind me of our paintball date. She definitely played the game well. All my energy drains from my body and instead of studying like I should, I crash in my room. Andie’s sweet scent lingers in the sheets, a torturous way to end the day.

  Final exams are done and despite not being able to review the notes I feel like I did well. Now that my responsibilities are done, I’m in a haze.

  “Lucas?” The door of my car opens and I’m greeted by Ava. “Are you okay?”

  “Oh, hi Ava. Yeah . . . I’m fine, I was just thinking.” Getting out of the car, I give her a hug before hauling my bags out of the backseat.

  “Whoa, I thought you would be staying on campus for the break.”

  “Change in plans, I’m staying here. I don’t want to talk about it right now, I’m exhausted.” She nods silently and I walk briskly to my room, embracing the bliss of sleep.

  It’s been two days since Lucas stormed out of my apartment, two days since I failed to fight for the man I love. He was just so angry, his face turning red and his voice so intense and low that I regressed to the scared 12 year old, trying to make myself small in the hopes that the yelling and hitting would stop.

  Kensi had come out after hearing the door slam behind Lucas and upon seeing my face, proceeded to try to make me feel better, not really understanding it was my own fault. I know she feels guilty and I should take that off her shoulders, I just don’t have the energy. Words have escaped me and I don’t know how to get them back.

  So here I am, hiding in the darkness of my room where I have been locked away for almost thirty hours.

  “Andie? I made you some lunch.” Dax is trying to be helpful, but he is hovering like a helicopter and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t deserve to be treated this nicely, but I can’t bring myself to admit what Lucas overheard and how I reacted. “Nugget, I really need you to say something. I really don’t understand what happened.”

  “It’s too hard right now.” My throat croaks with the first words I’ve spoken since telling Kensi I wasn’t up to finishing our girl’s night.

  “Okay, but you need to get out of bed and have a shower. I hate to be rude, but you stink.” He softens his words with a wink before coming over and pulling me up.

  Wrinkling my nose at him, I sigh. “I know.”

  “You shower and get dressed, I’m going to take you out for the day, just us.”

  “Thanks Dax, that sound nice.”

  “Isn’t this better than moping around in bed?”

  We glide off one of the many chair lifts at Marmot Basin Ski Resort and slide our boots into the binding. We’ve been snowboarding for several hours and I have to admit, it was a brilliant idea.

  “It was definitely one of your better ideas.” Teasing Dax, I finally feel some of the weight sitting on my shoulders lift.

  “All my ideas are brilliant.” Dax grumbles jokingly, dodging the snowball I throw at him. “Seriously though, how are you doing?”

  “Honestly, terrible. The fresh air and activity has helped. I’m still trying to sort through everything in my head. The worst part is, I could have fixed it right then and there. Instead, I froze. Just like I always used to when Dad was angry. I know Lucas would never hurt me, but my instincts took over and I regressed. It was terrible Dax and what’s worse, I can understand why he took what he heard the way he did.” The words spills from me, the wind carrying them down the mountain.

  Being up here, isolated with the snow and the trees, trying to sort out the problem doesn’t seem as impossible as it did this morning. It won’t be easy, the hurt in Lucas’s eyes haunts me, but I have spent years trying to prove I’m stronger than I have ever been and now is my chance to show myself what I never truly believed.

  “Let’s do this run and then go inside the chalet for hot chocolate. I want you to tell me what happened.” Nodding, we stand and I follow Dax as he carves his way down the slope.

  The crisp wind rushes past me as I pick up speed, the snow moving under my board in smooth arcs. Dax beats me to the bottom of the hill and I smirk as I stop right before him, a wave of snow going right into his face.

  Dax just laughs, brushing the snow off his face, flicking some off his glove at me.

  We rack our boards and Dax goes to grab some hot chocolate while I scout out some seats.

  “I got them to add whipped cream. I’m just awesome like that.” Dax hands me a cup and sits down next to me.

  Unable to resist, I take a sip. “Ow. My tongue is numb now.” He just laughs at me and pointedly blows on his drink.

  “So talk to me, maybe that will help you sort out how to fix it.”

  Sighing, I tentatively take another sip, relieved when I don’t burn my tongue again. “Do you remember when I told you about how Kensi and I dare each other to do things? Things we wouldn’t normally do, or things we need the extra push to do, but never anything that would really push either of us over the edge. Always just our comfort zones.”

  “I vaguely remember. Wasn’t there a time she dared you to attempt a cartwheel just to see if you would and you tore your pants?” He’s laughing so loudly, people several table over are craning their necks to see what’s so funny.

  “Can you shut up? People are staring. And yes, that did happen.” I can feel the blush burning in my cheeks and it just causes Dax to laugh even harder.

  “You always did have a clumsy streak.” He leans back in his chair, waiting silently for me to continue.

  “Well Kensi dared me to do a few things Lucas related. Like hold his hand or wear something I wouldn’t normally wear.” Dax arches his eyebrow at the flush that crosses my face, but manages to stay silent. “So we were having our girls night and she asked me why I hadn’t told him I love him. She ended up daring me to and I told her it was taking that dares too far. There was more, but Lucas overheard the last bit of the conversation and basically took it that our entire relationship has been a dare.” My throat closes up as I recall that night.

  “I can see why he would get that impression, but that’s easy enough to straighten out. How did it end up with him storming out?”

  “I froze. I said nothing, I didn’t even look him in the eye after he started talking.” The words are whispered, I’m so disappointed in myself.

  “Andie. Lucas is not Dad or Kyle. You are so much stronger than that, you have grown so much.” Dax’s voice is soft, but I still cringe.

  “I know. I have clarity, I know I need to talk to him. I’m just going to give him a couple days to calm down while I figure out what to say, how to approach it.”

  “Don’t be avoidant. The longer you wait, the harder it will get.”

  Andie’s SUV is gone.

  I haven’t heard from her since I stormed out of her apartment two days ago. My mind still reels from the fact our relationship was a dare and it doesn’t sit with me, that’s not the Andie I thought I knew.

  It’s crossed my mind to talk to her, I know I should. Is it wrong to want to see if she comes to me first? This isn’t my doing, even if Ava scolded me for running away, for not waiting longer for her to say something, refusing to leave without talking about it. I gave Andie a chance; I waited for her to say something before I left. She wouldn’t even look at me.

  Unlocking the door to my apartment, I physically shake myself to quit this train of thought. I have analyzed every detail about that evening for over forty-eight hours; it’s not doing any good.

  Searching my room, I look for the toy I had bought for Noah and forgot in my rush to escape to grab it. The toy car is a close replica of my Camaro and I know he will love it. Finally finding it, I toss some clothes into a bag and head back into the kitchen.

  Voices in the hall distract me from clearing out my fridge and I freeze. Dax’s booming voice comes clearly through my door.

>   “Andie, you have your chance. Take it.” Curious, I close my fridge and try to listen in.

  Andie’s softer voice is more difficult to hear, so I walk closer to the door. “I will. Am I supposed to just abandon my board in the hall? Let me put it away and change first.”

  “You’re just being avoidant.”

  “Can you blame me?”

  Their voices fade as the door to their apartment shuts. What chance was Dax talking about? Does it really even matter?

  Grabbing my things, I abandon the task of cleaning out my fridge and head out.

  “Hi Honey. How are you?” Mom is in the kitchen baking biscuits when I get home, the smell is mouthwatering and I decide to wait in the kitchen so I get first dibs on them.

  “I’m okay. I found the car I bought for Noah. I can’t wait to see his face when I give it to him.” She grabs a mug from the cover and pours me a cup of coffee. As she hands it to me, the look on her face makes me want to bolt out of my chair.

  “So, are you going to tell me why you’ve been moping around here for two days?” There it is.

  “I would rather not . . .”

  “That’s not an option, so spill.” Of course it’s not.

  “I broke up with Andie. The relationship was one-sided and I just can’t do that.” The puzzled look on her face surprises me. Mom is usually pretty easy going about the choices we make in our lives, saying in order to grow we need to make mistakes. Ava’s pregnancy was a test to how far that philosophy would go, but after the initial shock wore off both her and Dad were amazing and continue to help in every way they can.

  “Lucas . . . wherever did you get the idea that it was one-sided? I saw the way you both looked at each other. It was not one-sided on either of your parts, I try not to meddle and let you kids make your own way, but I do need to say this. The way that you looked at each other, moved together, it flowed. It’s a rarity in relationships to see that and I don’t want you to throw it away.” She rests her hand on my cheek and looks deep into my eyes. “Whatever it is that happened to make you feel this way, I really want you to think about it. Sometimes in the moment there are things we miss simply because we are blind to it.”