by Janice Lynn
“I should have said I hope to be a dad. If the judge approves my request, I’m adopting Kyle.”
“That’s wonderful!” she said, and she meant it, joy replacing her anxiety.
Momentarily forgetting their tension, she moved toward him, planning to throw her arms around him, but stopped as she recalled that they were at odds and reality hit.
Justin was adopting Kyle. He’d be a father.
Breathing became difficult... Air was not able to find its way into her contracted lungs. Her knees threatened to wobble, possibly to give out completely and let her drop to the earth, and her mind echoed with one thought.
Justin was going to be a father.
“Not everything is finalized,” he continued, his words somehow making their way beyond the noise of her mind, “but after she met with the judge today my lawyer thinks it’s going to be. The judge wants proof that I can provide Kyle with a stable life. I spent this afternoon at my parents’ putting together an action plan for doing just that.”
Justin was adopting Kyle. He was going to be a father. The thoughts continued to race through her mind.
“I want to do what’s right for Kyle.”
He would do what was right for Kyle—would be an excellent father.
“Which is why he’s so lucky to have you,” she managed to say.
He’d mentioned that Kyle might be up for adoption someday. She’d never considered Justin adopting him—but perhaps she should have, knowing how involved Justin was with him.
She had no doubt Justin would take his position in Kyle’s life seriously. The boy was blessed to have Justin wanting to be his father. She didn’t find it hard to imagine him being a dad. Justin was wonderful with the boys and would be a wonderful father to Kyle and to any other children he might someday have.
Her uterus spasmed deep within her at the thought of Justin having more children, of another woman’s belly ripe with his baby.
She never should have gotten involved with him. Look at her now, feeling possessive of what wasn’t hers, longing for something that hadn’t existed for more than a few fleeting moments.
“Riley?”
He interrupted her thoughts and she glanced up, thinking he looked way more perfect than any person had a right to. Definitely he was the closest she’d ever come to perfection—likely ever would come. Not that she was looking for perfection, or anything else. She’d been just fine before he came along. She’d be just fine when he moved on.
Only the thought of not having him in her life gutted her. Not being able to kiss him or touch him.
How was she supposed to forget how it felt to be as one with this man and just move on as if she’d never known that high?
Anger at herself for becoming so vulnerable to him hit her. Anger at herself, and at him too, for making her want things she was better off not wanting.
“Riley?” he repeated.
“Justin?” she countered, lifting her chin and focusing on her anger. It was easier to grasp hold of than the intense sadness of the fact that they were ebbing away.
Looking frustrated, he raked his fingers though his hair. “I’m trying to figure out where everything in my life stands at this point.”
“Mainly meaning me and where I fit in?”
“Kyle adores you.”
“I adore him too—but that has nothing to do with where you and I stand.”
His gaze bored into her. “Doesn’t it?”
A heaviness fell over her chest, her shoulders, weighing her down. Averting her gaze, she stared at her dirty fingernails, wondering why she found feeling the cold earth between her fingers so satisfying, wondering if there was enough dirt on the planet to get her through the heartache headed her way.
“I think we need to talk about Johnny.”
Riley’s jaw dropped. Um...no, they didn’t need to do that.
Her fingers curled into her palms. “Why would we talk about my ex?”
“It’s time you told me about what happened between the two of you.”
It was probably past time. But things had been going along so easily and wonderfully she hadn’t wanted to think about Johnny, much less talk about him. Who wanted to tell her lover that the last guy in her bed—the only other guy in her bed—had stood her up on what should have been the happiest day of her life?
Telling him now, when they were on the cusp of the end... Did it even matter at this point?
Riley took a deep breath. She didn’t want to relive that horrible moment. But Justin wasn’t going to let this drop. He thought he needed to know. And maybe telling him would amp up her defenses, because currently she felt so exposed.
“Johnny swooped onto the scene not long after my mother died.” She’d felt so alone in the world, so lost...“After she was killed in that car wreck I was devastated.” She’d never known a person could cry that many tears and live. “She was my best friend and I’d never felt so alone,” she admitted.
She had been alone.
“Johnny was handsome, and charming, and in my grief I latched on to him for all I was worth. Because focusing on him made the pain of losing Mom seem less. I ignored all the things I should have seen—like the fact that he went through half a dozen jobs during the time I knew him—and I dove in heart-first. Because when I was with him I wasn’t alone.”
“He asked you to marry him.”
“Yes, he asked me.”
Needing to move, she walked over to the eucalyptus tree, broke off a tiny segment, and inhaled the scent that usually comforted her. Nothing could soothe her inner shaking, though.
“I said yes, and I thought I was the luckiest girl alive when he slipped that engagement ring on my finger.”
It hadn’t been much of a ring, but she hadn’t cared. She’d cherished that thin gold band with a stone that had been a cheap imitation—much as Johnny himself had turned out to be.
“What happened?”
How did she even answer that? Reveal her most humiliating moment? Admit that she hadn’t been good enough for Johnny to stay with her so she knew no one ever would. She sure didn’t expect someone like Justin to.
“He failed to show up for our wedding.”
How could she have been so blind to his true nature? So suckered in by the false compliments that only ever followed his tearing her down first? To his constantly borrowing money? Having her pay for things? She knew the answer, though. Grief had veiled all logic.
She looked at Justin to see how he’d taken her confession.
With a grimace, he narrowed his eyes, and his jaw worked back and forth as he processed what she’d said.
“He was in an accident?”
“That would have been easier in some ways,” she admitted. “The truth is more sordid.”
She gave a humorless laugh, recalling her utter humiliation when she’d discovered the truth.
“He didn’t show up for our wedding because after our rehearsal dinner the night before he’d cashed in our honeymoon airline tickets—” that she had also paid for “—and run off with someone he’d been having an affair with for months.”
* * *
Wincing, Justin stared at Riley in disbelief that any man could be so stupid. So callous. How did a man just not show up for his own wedding?
“I’m sorry.”
Her distaste for marriage was beginning to make sense, as was the determined expression on her face as she stared up at him.
A smudge of dirt across her cheek told the story that she’d brushed her hair back at some point during the past few seconds, prior to putting her hands back on her hips and lifting her chin in defiance at what life had thrown at her.
Her ex really was stupid to have chosen another woman. That the man had hurt her, humiliated her, made her self-conscious about her weight and destroyed her confidence in herself, made Justin
want to track him down and beat some sense into him.
Another part wanted to thank him—because had the man been smarter Riley wouldn’t be single. And, as frustrated as he was, Justin wouldn’t have wanted to have missed out on the past few months.
“Don’t be sorry,” she advised. “The woman he ran off with did me a favor. Apparently she wasn’t the first person he’d cheated on me with, nor would she have been the last.”
Her words were said with such fervor that he knew she believed what she said. Good—she should believe it. No doubt Johnny hadn’t been faithful to the other woman either.
“Once the humiliation and hurt wore off,” Riley continued, her chin still tipped upward, “I became grateful he didn’t go through with our wedding.”
Was that how Ashley had felt? Grateful that he’d called off their wedding because he wouldn’t give up his involvement with the boys? At least he’d realized the week before that what they wanted from life didn’t mesh, and hadn’t left her standing at the altar alone.
But she had felt betrayed, because she hadn’t understood how he could put the boys before her. He hadn’t been able to explain that he loved them more than he did her, and that giving back to the foster program was something ingrained within him.
“There’s something else I need to tell you,” he began, wondering how Riley was going to take his next revelation. He didn’t want to tell her—knew doing so was going to make her even more prickly—but not to tell her would be wrong.
Not that he was sure it even mattered at this point. Everything in Riley’s demeanor said she was already done with him and their relationship. What he was about to tell her would likely destroy any hope that remained.
Not telling her wasn’t an option.
“Prior to relocating to Columbia, I was engaged.”
If he’d had any doubt as to whether or not she already knew, he no longer did. Her eyes widened, shining with pure shock, and she took a step back, bumping against a tree branch.
“I was nearing the end of my residency, dating a beautiful fellow resident, and knew I wanted a wife and family,” he rushed out, knowing he needed to explain. “That’s not a good reason for getting engaged, but when she started hinting for a ring I gave her one.”
He’d loved kids, wanted a houseful. He’d liked Ashley. They’d gotten along well during their residencies, and he’d believed they could have a good life together. Right up until the moment she’d made that comment about the Wilderness Group and opened his eyes.
“Ashley was a brilliant surgeon...fun. My friends liked her.” The more he said, the more Riley’s face paled, but he needed to get this out. “We got engaged. Our families were thrilled, as were our friends.”
“Please tell me you didn’t stand her up.”
Riley’s voice broke and he’d swear her lower lip trembled.
“No, not exactly. I called off the wedding after I realized I couldn’t marry her.”
Like Riley, he felt lucky that he’d had a narrow escape from what would have been a miserable marriage for both him and Ashley.
“It sounds as if she was perfect.”
Riley’s throat worked, and then she surprised him by walking back over to the garden bed where she’d been weeding when he’d arrived and staring down at the plants.
“Why couldn’t you marry her?”
“Our definition of ‘family’ wasn’t the same. She wanted me to give up the group...the boys. But they were my family, much more so than she was. I couldn’t marry her.”
Surely after having spent time with the boys Riley would understand? Despite everything she said she had connected with them, and had formed a special bond with Kyle.
“Honestly, from the moment she called them my ‘little charity cases,’ anything I felt for her vanished,” he admitted, shoving his hands into his pants pockets.
After a few moments Riley dropped to her knees and went back to pulling weeds, as if she hadn’t heard him.
Justin stared at her, thinking her reaction odd, waiting for her to say something, to do something other than just pull weeds. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but not silence, and her going back to what she was doing as if they’d not just had a major heart-to-heart.
“How long before your wedding day did you call things off?”
“The week before we were to be married.”
Her hands stilled. “At least you didn’t leave her at the venue, waiting for you to arrive.”
The extent to which Johnny had betrayed her hit home. The man truly had let her go to the last minute before letting her realize what a loser he was.
Had he not realized until right before the wedding that Ashley only tolerated the Wilderness Group, and planned for him to give it up after they married, would he have gone through with his wedding?
“I wouldn’t do that,” he assured her, even as he simultaneously acknowledged to himself that he couldn’t say the same about Ashley.
Her hands squeezed the dirt. “Of that I have no doubt.”
There was an ominous overtone to her words.
“Meaning?”
Letting go of the dirt, she let it sift out through her fingers. “I’d never give you the opportunity to dump me at the altar.”
“I didn’t dump Ashley at the altar.” Maybe he almost had, but he’d had a good reason. “She was fine.” Not at first, but she had moved on. “She’s planning a big wedding with her new fiancé.”
Ashley had moved on, and from the outside looking in she seemed no worse for wear. But was that what Johnny thought about Riley?
Riley grabbed hold of a weed and yanked hard. “You keep tabs on her?”
“No, but we dated for a long time.”
They’d been so busy with med school, then residency, that neither had realized they wanted different things. If only they’d spent more time talking they’d have saved a lot of heartache.
“She and my mother have stayed in touch.”
That sounded chummier than it was. The reality was that they ran into each other at various events and chatted. Other than a rare phone conversation or birthday card, neither sought out the other as far as he knew.
“Your mother told you about your ex’s wedding plans at your visit today?”
Riley yanked at the stubborn weed again, almost falling back when she lost her grip. Had he been closer, he’d have tried to steady her, but he was too far away so he just nodded. He realized Riley wasn’t looking his way, and said, “Yes.”
After he’d told his mother about his plans to adopt Kyle, she’d launched into tales of Ashley.
“You didn’t find that odd? Does she want you to intervene and win her back?”
“No.”
At least, he hadn’t gotten the impression that had been his mother’s goal. Nor had he found her comment odd—more reflective on how life changed.
“She was just musing about how Ashley was planning another wedding and I was planning to adopt, how we were both happy, and how things changed with time. She wasn’t hinting that we should get back together.”
“It’s good to have someone to support you unconditionally.”
Yes, it was. It was what he’d hoped to find someday—what he’d hoped to have with Riley.
“I’m blessed with a great family.” Which was probably why it was so important to him to have a big family of his own. “Just as Stephen has been.”
Riley’s hands stilled.
“Things could have been so different,” he continued, thinking back over what he could recall of his early childhood. “When I was placed with Mom and Dad they adopted me. I hope to do the same for Kyle—to give him what I’ve had.”
And he wanted Riley to be a part of that. Even with the turmoil of emotions whipping through him, that remained clear. He wanted Riley in his life.
Moving to stan
d near her, he held out his hand to help her back to her feet. “I’d like you to be a part of my life—a part of Kyle’s life.”
She didn’t look up from where she still tugged on the persistent weed, and nor did she take his outstretched hand. Her shoulders drooped a little.
Letting go of the weed, she held up her hand—not to take his, but to make a “stop” motion. “Don’t say anything more. I let myself get caught up in a relationship with you when I knew better. That was a mistake. A big one. But that doesn’t mean I have to keep making it.”
Heart racing, Justin stared down at where she knelt on the ground. He was opening himself up to her, laying everything on the line and telling her he wanted her in his life.
She was calling them a mistake.
It wouldn’t surprise him if she buried herself in the ground in an effort to block him out.
“Riley, I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say,” he began, thinking if he could only make her understand she’d quit shutting him out.
“You’re the one who doesn’t understand. How could you? You’ve never felt the things I’ve felt...never been humiliated by the person you trusted most.” She took a deep breath. “I’d like you to leave.”
“Riley...” he began, knowing that leaving would be an even bigger mistake than either of them had made already. “Stand up and look at me. We need to talk this through. My leaving won’t solve anything.”
Surely she had to see that? Had to see that he wanted her in his life. In Kyle’s life.
“Your leaving will solve everything.”
Because she wanted to shield herself rather than face what was happening between them, rather than let him in.
“I want you to go,” she continued.
He reached out to touch her, but she jerked away.
“Don’t touch me.”
Justin’s hand fell. Riley was so far gone emotionally he’d never get through to her until she’d had time to think, to realize they were worth taking a chance on.
“I’ll call later—once you’ve had time to calm down.”
“I won’t change my mind.”
