Stella Makes Good

by Lisa Heidke

  ‘When you left Australia?’ Jesse said, trying to follow the conversation.

  ‘Yeah. Dad’s golf friend recognised me.’

  ‘Hang on. What?’

  ‘He told Dad that the last time he’d seen me, I’d been dressed in a black corset and suspenders and had been whipping his bare bum with a cane.’

  ‘What’s this got to do with Steve?’

  ‘Everything. Isn’t that what you’re asking me?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  ‘Jesse, I knew years ago that Steve was into this crazy shit.’

  The conversation was happening faster than Jesse could process it. Louisa and Steve? With the golf guy? It didn’t make sense.

  ‘You were in it together?’ she asked.

  ‘Not exactly,’ said Louisa. ‘I was being paid.’

  ‘I’m confused. What are you telling me exactly?’

  ‘I’m telling you that when I first met Steve fifteen years ago, he was into bondage and shit—’

  ‘God! Fifteen years ago? But—’

  ‘—then he met you and I recognised him and he promised me he wasn’t into it any more—’

  Jesse took a long breath. ‘And Dad’s friend?’

  ‘He’d been a client years before. I never expected to see him again. Then when he saw me with Dad, he assumed—’

  ‘Jesus, Louisa! What part of you decided it would be a good idea to keep this secret from me?’

  ‘I was protecting you. Steve loved you, and I thought he was telling me the truth when he said he’d stopped living his fantasy double life.’

  ‘You were protecting yourself more like it. So you were a … prostitute?’

  ‘Never. It wasn’t like that. Look, it was a long time ago. Tell me how you found out about Steve.’

  ‘Friends saw him at a party.’ Jesse paused, feeling her throat constrict. ‘He was wearing a nappy.’

  Louisa groaned but didn’t say anything.

  Jesse continued. ‘As I thought about it more, I remembered a conversation we’d had just before you went away.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. I really am. What are you going to do?’

  Jesse couldn’t answer. Her life was over. It was as simple as that. Soon everyone would know and she’d be the laughing stock of the North Shore.

  ‘Jesse! You’ve got to believe me—I got out of it years ago and Steve promised me he’d done the same.’

  ‘This is unbelievable. An unbelievable nightmare. You! Steve! I feel utterly betrayed. How could you have kept this from me? Allowed me to marry a man like that?’

  Silence.

  ‘Is that why you haven’t been home all this time?’

  ‘I couldn’t trust myself not to tell you about Steve.’

  ‘How could you think that something like this could be kept secret? I can’t forgive you for this. Why didn’t you tell me?’

  How could her life ever return to normal after such a revelation? She felt stupid, alone and thoroughly humiliated.

  ‘My life’s over,’ she shouted down the phone line.

  Her body began to shake, to convulse … she felt as though she was shrinking … disappearing. Suddenly, it wasn’t her body any more.

  Jesse dropped the phone as her mind went blank.

  ouisa freaked out when she heard a thud—presumably Jesse falling. The rational part of her hoped she’d only fainted, but what if she’d hit her head on a table corner or had a heart attack? Ever worse scenarios clamoured for her attention as she dialled her mother’s number. Jesse would hate her for getting Dot involved but she didn’t know who else to call. She certainly wasn’t going to ring Steve.

  Dot called half an hour later to say that Jesse was okay. Thank God.

  ‘I’d like to know what brought this on,’ she said to Louisa. ‘Jesse says she didn’t eat much breakfast—’

  ‘So, there’s a simple explanation,’ Louisa reassured her. ‘Can I talk to her?’

  Dot huffed before handing the phone over to Jesse.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Louisa started, knowing how much she’d hurt her sister.

  ‘We’ll talk about this later,’ Jesse replied, her voice barely audible.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  Dumb question. How could Jesse be okay given what she’d just found out? Plus, Louisa had involved their mother who’d no doubt interrogate Jesse for hours once Louisa was off the phone.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Jesse said gruffly and hung up.

  So now Jesse knew. She knew about Louisa, about Steve … Louisa almost felt relieved. She’d meant what she said about telling Jesse anything she wanted to know. She’d be honest. It was time. What did she have to lose?

  Louisa thought about that question some more. A lot, actually. She’d already lost her father, and was now on the brink of losing Jesse if she didn’t deal with this situation carefully. Dot was oblivious and Louisa hoped that could continue. Eventually, Louisa would have to face her father again and that would be torture. Six years ago, she’d explained as little as she could get away with.

  It had been an unfortunate coincidence that her dad’s friend had seen Louisa with Tom. He’d assumed Louisa was on the job and had bowled up to them with a sly wink and nod. Tom, of course, had had no idea what was going on. When Louisa had been forced to explain it to him, he’d listened in a silent daze, not knowing where to look or what to say. Could it have been more embarrassing? Well, yes actually, but Louisa didn’t want to think about that possible scenario. She never wanted to see her father look at her like that ever again. Humiliation, disappointment and despair in his face.

  ‘Why, Louisa?’ he’d said. ‘We would have given you money.’

  He’d begged her not to tell Dot and Jesse, and of course she didn’t. Why would she choose to shame herself further? But not telling them had meant she continued to protect Steve. At least she wouldn’t have to do that anymore.

  Six years was a long time to be away from her family, but disappearing had seemed the only answer. Life in Sydney, the revelations … it had spun out of control. And Steve? He’d been beyond smug, telling Jesse that Louisa was a bad influence on the kids. Like he could talk!

  ‘Promise me you aren’t dabbling in these parties anymore and I’ll go quietly,’ Louisa had said to him just before she left Australia.

  ‘I don’t have to promise you a thing.’

  And the bastard hadn’t. Sometimes she could have kicked herself for not telling Jesse what she knew about him. But she hadn’t believed it would have helped the situation. Ollie and Emily had been three years old when she left. There was no way she could have told Jesse about Steve’s past without totally destroying her, and Jesse had been fragile enough at the time.

  So she’d got the hell out of Sydney. Melbourne, Perth, even Hong Kong, weren’t far enough away. She had connections in San Francisco, so it had seemed as good a place as any. She’d got a job at the University of San Francisco and an apartment in Nob Hill, and before she knew it, she was settled and life was good. Then she met the professor and life had skyrocketed to sublime.

  Louisa gazed out of her apartment window to the harbour in the distance. The wind was howling. She’d always known the day would arrive when Jesse would discover the truth and she’d have to explain everything. She had imagined it would be earth-shattering, a ticking bomb finally exploding. But she felt strangely calm. Once Jesse was over the shock and saw Steve for the dirtbag he truly was, she’d come through the experience stronger.

  Louisa wondered if Steve was still doing cocaine. Back in the day, he’d snorted any drugs he could get hold of. Man, he’d been a huge coke head. Soon after Jesse had started going out with him, she’d mentioned that Steve had offered her some. She’d been horrified. She’d only ever tried grass before—once—and hated it.

  ‘I felt so out of control. Yuck. Do you think Steve might have an addiction?’ she’d asked her sister.

  It had been the perfect opportunity for Louisa to warn Jesse, or at least plant a seed of doubt in
her mind. But she hadn’t wanted to rock the boat, and certainly hadn’t wanted to incriminate herself. So she’d said nothing. She’d reasoned that it was none of her business, and that as long as Jesse wasn’t being hurt, it was okay.

  The trouble was, Jesse was being hurt. She just hadn’t realised it, and neither had Louisa, not really. Lots of people Louisa knew took drugs. They still had good jobs, led active lives. In hindsight, that decision was a cop-out. Another one of her fuck-ups she could have handled so much better.

  She checked her phone for messages. Still no word from Philippe.

  As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she missed him. A lot. And it wasn’t just the sex. She missed his laugh, his warmth, the way his top lip curled when he smiled. Where was he and what was he doing? An image of his naked body popped into her mind. Just the thought of him grinding against her, skin to skin, was enough to get her burning with desire.

  She shook off the feeling and checked her university schedule. She would head out to Australia and see her family, for sure. But she couldn’t possibly go until the spring break, after Easter. For one thing, she couldn’t let her students down; and for another? In three or four months, the dust would have settled, Jesse would have moved on, Dot and Tom would be used to the idea that Jesse and Steve were finished … Yes, by then life would be a lot calmer. In fact, she might not need to go back to Sydney at all. They’d all be so busy …

  When Jesse came to, her mum was shouting her name and pounding on the front door. She got to it just as Dot was letting herself in with the spare key.

  After Dot had phoned Louisa, she fussed about the kitchen making tea while Jesse sat at the bench and looked on. Her mum reminded Jesse of a sparrow—short, petite and darting about the kitchen at a hundred miles an hour. She felt exhausted just watching her.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t need to lie down?’ Dot said, eyeing her suspiciously.

  Jesse shook her head. She felt sick and could barely keep her eyes open, but she wanted to stay upright while her mother was there.

  ‘All right. But, Jesse,’ Dot said, handing her a cup, ‘I know what’s been going on.’

  Not her mother, too. Jesse felt her chest tighten as she tried to suck in air. Please don’t tell me that Mum knows about Steve! It wasn’t right. She was so wound up, she’d gone beyond feeling embarrassed. All she could think of were the horrors that lay ahead for her: explaining to her children why Mummy and Daddy weren’t living together, the divorce, coping as a single parent, Steve and his … games.

  ‘Don’t look so surprised,’ Dot continued.

  ‘I … I don’t know where to start,’ Jess stammered before bursting into tears. She could feel herself sinking into the stool, wanting to close her eyes and to forget about everything … the conversation with Louisa, the last few days. To go back to a time when her world was still intact. Far from perfect but at least manageable.

  ‘What made you think we wouldn’t find out?’ Dot said.

  Jesse shook her head. ‘I really hoped it wouldn’t become public knowledge.’

  Dot raised her eyebrows. ‘Hence the name, I suppose.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘The name—the Secret Women’s Business Workshop. I know all about it, Jesse.’ Dot pulled a pamphlet from her bag and read aloud: ‘Don’t leave it until you wake up one morning and realise you’ve lived your whole life for everyone else and you no longer know who you are or what makes you happy.’

  ‘Where did you get that?’ Jesse said, jumping down from the stool.

  ‘I found it.’

  ‘In my handbag!’

  And less than half an hour ago, thought Jesse, remembering the extra brochure she’d picked up at the meeting the other day.

  Dot waved her hand dismissively. ‘What is this? A cult?’

  Jesse shook her head. ‘Mum, really.’

  ‘Wake up to yourself, Jesse. You have enough responsibilities. Secret women’s business indeed.’

  Jesse wasn’t up for this conversation, but it was a hell of a lot better than talking about Steve’s indiscretions. So her mother had been snooping. Jesse wondered what else she’d found.

  ‘The group sounds interesting,’ she said evenly.

  ‘Interesting or not, you have enough going on in your life without adding this to the mix. Perhaps you should come to church with me? Bring the children.’

  ‘Mum, you can’t go snooping around in my belongings. And it’s none of your concern if I want to go to a meeting and—’

  ‘And what?’

  ‘Better myself.’

  ‘Jesse, love. Look at you. You don’t need more stress.’

  It took Jesse a moment to figure out what Dot was talking about. She was standing by a light switch, flipping it on and off, while tapping her right foot on the floorboards.

  She really didn’t want to have this conversation with her mother. She’d never understand. ‘Mum, you don’t need to be privy to every waking moment of my life—’

  ‘Jesse, your mother’s only trying to help. Aren’t you, Dot?’

  Jesse gasped and turned. Steve was standing barely two metres away, watching her.

  ‘I called him on my way over,’ Dot explained.

  ‘There was no need,’ Jesse said.

  Dot raised her eyebrows. ‘No need? I had no idea what I might find when I arrived. I was scared, Jesse.’

  Steve had a fake smile plastered across his face. He kissed Jesse on the cheek. ‘You okay now?’

  She nodded and turned away from him. Had he asked her that a few days ago, she wouldn’t have doubted his sincerity. But now? She wasn’t buying it at all.

  ‘I’ll leave you to deal with her, Steve,’ Dot said, picking up her handbag. ‘Maybe you can talk some sense into her.’

  ‘I’ll do my best,’ he replied, smiling broadly.

  Jesse wanted to vomit. ‘Mum, you don’t have to leave. Stay and have another cup of tea.’

  Dot shook her head. ‘Your husband’s home now, darling. He’ll look after you.’

  Steve beamed. ‘I always do.’

  Jesse took her mother’s arm as they walked to the front door, more because she was shaking than for any other reason.

  ‘Settle down,’ Dot said sternly. ‘Put this nonsense about secret women’s business out of your head. Focus on your family. You don’t need any more stress or distracting influences.’

  ‘Mum!’

  ‘Come to church with me, or do some yoga, but for goodness sake get your act together. Steve will take care of you, but Jesse, you have to be reasonable.’

  With that, she waltzed out the front door and left Jesse alone with a monster.

  ‘Smart woman,’ said Steve, who was now standing beside her. ‘Drives me crazy with her inane chatter, but she’s all right. Knows when to leave.’

  Jesse couldn’t move or think. As long as the kids were with her, she could cope, but when it was just the two of them, like right now, she wasn’t sure what Steve might be capable of doing.

  ‘We need to talk this through,’ he said calmly, as if reading her mind.

  She shrugged him off as he tried putting his arm around her.

  ‘Jesse, you’re not well. You need to see someone.’

  ‘I’m perfectly fine. You’re trying to pin your sickness on me and make it my responsibility.’

  ‘Sweetheart,’ he said, moving towards her again. ‘What are you talking about? I don’t have an illness. You, on the other hand—’

  ‘Stop it. Don’t touch me. You’re trying to make out that I’m crazy.’

  Steve smiled. ‘Why would I do that? You’ve had a bad fall. You need to see a doctor. At the very least, you need bed rest. Come on, I’ll help you upstairs.’

  ‘I don’t want a bloody rest.’ Jesse’s head was spinning. Her stomach churned. She felt as if she was about to vomit, as she had earlier in the day. But there was no way she was admitting that to him. ‘I spoke to Louisa.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘She
said she knew you years ago.’

  ‘As if she’d remember!’

  Jesse ignored him. ‘So you were into this before we met?’ She was determined to get him to admit it. ‘I’m relieved it wasn’t something I did, that I neglected you somehow so you sought comfort elsewhere. You’ve always had an addiction. You were always into those games.’

  Steve took a pace back. ‘So what if I was? What business is it of yours?’

  First step.

  ‘It’s my business,’ Jesse said calmly, ‘because I’m your wife, your so-called life partner, and I deserve better.’

  She didn’t want to have this conversation; she just wanted him to admit the truth. She was twitching and it was his fault. She’d never used to tap her foot or flick light switches before she met Steve. She hadn’t needed to triple-check that the iron or oven was switched off. She’d been happy, confident.

  ‘And I deserve to be with someone who’s not a nutter,’ Steve said, pulling her back into their horrid conversation. ‘Someone who doesn’t switch lights on and off and retrace her steps over and over. That’s what I deserve.’

  Jesse hated him. How had she ever found him charming and handsome? He was a bully. He made her sick.

  She grabbed her car keys from a side table. ‘I’m picking up the kids.’

  ‘Come on,’ he said, his voice even. ‘Let’s discuss this rationally, before it gets out of hand. I’ve made some possible errors in judgement—’

  ‘You’ve done way more than that, Steve.’

  ‘Hang on! We’ve both contributed to this—’

  Jesse shook her head and pushed past him. ‘I’m leaving.’

  He crossed his arms. ‘You’ll regret it.’

  Jesse was over an hour early to pick up Ollie and Emmy, so she drove to a nearby cafe and ordered a skinny latte. She was all alone. There was no one she could ring who wouldn’t judge her. Except maybe Stella. She’d support her. She always supported her, but was there anyone else who’d look out for her? Anyone else who had Jesse’s best interests at heart? She wondered.

  She’d never been good at making friends. At best she had acquaintances. There was nothing wrong with that as long as she only wanted to talk about teachers, the netball roster and the tuckshop menu, but right now Jesse needed more. That was one of the reasons she was so interested in the Secret Women’s Business meetings. She was hoping to meet like-minded people—at a distance. She shook her head, remembering that her mother had taken the brochure with her when she left.