Heart of the Night: A Novel

by Barbara Delinsky

“Do I do that for you?”

  She nodded. “Besides that, you think. You say what you feel.”

  “You don’t always like what I say.”

  “It’s not what you say that bothers me, as much as the way you say it. When you yelled at me last week—”

  “I didn’t yell. You were the one who yelled.”

  “Well, it felt like you were yelling. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. I really wanted to help, Sam. It wasn’t a question of walking all over you. I thought you’d be happy. That was what I wanted.”

  Sam had no comeback, because his mind was grappling with the sudden realization that of all the women he had known, none had ever said that to him. That Susan, who had so much and was by some measures spoiled, should be the one to say she wanted him happy—and to say it with such sincerity—affected him deeply.

  Unable to speak, he lowered his head and kissed her, but it wasn’t the kind of fevered kiss they’d so often shared before. It was a kiss from the heart, deep and filled with soul.

  Susan, who’d never received a kiss like it, was stunned. It pulled at something deep inside her, sparking thoughts of once upon a time and forever after. But before she could begin to grapple with those thoughts, the approach of a third car intruded.

  Still holding her face in his hands, Sam looked around, then watched in disbelief when a full-fledged police cruiser drew to a halt. The officer riding shotgun rolled down his window.

  “Any problem here, folks?”

  “No, sir,” Sam drawled.

  “How about moving along, then?”

  “Yes, sir.” But he didn’t budge.

  The officer waited for a minute, then looked at Susan. “Is this man giving you trouble?”

  “He’s been giving me troubles since the day I met him,” Susan replied sweetly, “but I think things are under control. Thank you.”

  “Why don’t you both move on, then.”

  “We will,” she said and smiled up at Sam.

  “Now,” the officer prompted.

  Sam returned Susan’s smile and, brushing his thumbs over her cheeks, said in a low voice, “Your place is closer.”

  “Yours is nicer.”

  “All that way in two cars?”

  “Follow me while I drop off the Jag, then we’ll go together.”

  “I like the sound of that. I want you close.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  “Uh, excuse me,” came the police officer’s voice, less patient this time. “This is a public street. I doubt the good folks of Newport would appreciate prolonged tête-à-têtes at this hour.”

  Sam had an inkling that something was coming when Susan drew herself straighter, but he wasn’t quick enough to catch her when she slid around him and approached the cruiser.

  “Officer, I am the good folks of Newport, and quite frankly, I resent your interference.”

  “Susan,” Sam murmured as he put an arm around her from behind, “let’s just do as the good officer says.” He began drawing her back toward the Jag.

  “You don’t have to take this from him,” she argued. “You’re a lieutenant.”

  Sam gave the officer an apologetic grin. “She’s a spirited one,” he said, and guided Susan into the car. As soon as he closed the door, the police cruiser started to roll off.

  “He’s a cop, you turkeys!” Susan shouted through the open window. “He’s one of you—”

  Sam silenced her with a sound kiss. By the time he let her up for air, she had an arm draped around his neck. In her eyes he could see subtle accusation for what he had done, but the accusation faded quickly, fallen prey to the deeper feelings that had been released before the cruiser had arrived.

  “I’ll be right behind you,” he said softly.

  She nodded.

  “Drive slowly.”

  She nodded again.

  Unable to resist, he kissed her again, then returned to his car.

  CHAPTER 19

  Savannah spent the weekend with Jared on his boat. She had to laugh when she thought of how casually he had called his small yacht a boat. Built of fiberglass with interior trimmings of ash, its amenities included a galley as modern as Savannah’s kitchen, a washer and dryer, a king-size bed, and a luxurious bath.

  Jared had had the craft put in the water on Friday, but there was plenty of cleaning and polishing to do before he was satisfied with its condition. Working alongside him, Savannah enjoyed every minute.

  Not that they worked the entire time. They talked a lot, slept a lot, and loved a lot. She had never been happier.

  On Sunday evening, she told him so. It had been a beautiful day, mild and fragrant as was the best of early April on the Rhode Island coast, and though the air had begun to chill with the setting of the sun, an inner glow kept them warm. They were below deck, facing each other from opposite corners of a sofa with their legs snugly entwined, sipping from glasses of the wine Jared had uncorked for the occasion.

  “This has been great,” she said with the kind of soft smile that never failed to make his heart turn over.

  His chuckle was like the wine, light and dry. “Then you’re a glutton for punishment. I’ve made you work all weekend.”

  “No, no. It’s been great. A vacation, even more so than last weekend in Florida. There’s something truly therapeutic about what we’ve done.”

  He nudged her bottom with his bare foot, which was tucked there for warmth. “You hate cleaning.”

  “But this was different. I’ve loved it. Really I have.” When he arched a skeptical brow, she insisted, “Really. I’d do this any time with you.”

  Jared’s heart turned over again. But then, it had been turning over practically since the first time he’d seen Savannah. In some respects, she’d turned over his whole life, certainly his outlook on the future.

  “Many me, Savannah.”

  She caught her breath.

  “I love you,” he said, and his voice was as low and deep and intense as she’d ever heard it. “You haven’t said the words, but I think you feel them, and I can’t risk letting that go. Let’s get married.”

  Savannah didn’t know what to say. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had wanted him to ask, then feared that he would. Confused, she whispered his name on a broken breath.

  “Is that a yes, or a no?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Do you love me?”

  She hesitated for just a minute, not because she didn’t know the answer, but because saying it aloud implied a commitment. But that time had come. “Yes,” she said, then with greater feeling, “Yes.”

  Setting his wine glass on the carpet, he leaned forward, took her under the arms, and brought her forward to straddle his hips. He locked his hands at the small of her back. “Say it.”

  Savannah smiled. “I love you.”

  “Again.”

  “I love you,” she said, and the smile became a grin, because it seemed so absurd that she hadn’t said the words sooner.

  So she sat there grinning, loving his face with its rough-hewn features, its faintly squared chin with a ghost of a dimple, its eyes of pale blue with gray flecks, the one with its slight cast. She loved the sandy hair that tumbled across his forehead, brushed the tops of his ears, hit his collar in back. She loved the way his shirt was open to midchest, laying bare a faint sprinkle of tawny hair, and the way he sat eye to eye with her, though she was on his lap.

  “I do,” she whispered. Looping her hands, wine glass and all, around his neck, she came forward for a kiss.

  “Then marry me,” he said when the kiss was done.

  She pressed her temple to his. “For a man who was burned once before, you’re in a big rush.”

  “There’s no comparison between this and that.”

  “We’re both lawyers.”

  “You’re as different from Elise as night from day.”

  “I have a demanding career. I won’t always be here, and when
I am here, my mind may be there.”

  “I don’t care whether your mind’s here or there,” he returned, “as long as you’re wearing my ring. You’re right; I’ve been burned once, and because of that I should be wary of ties that bind. But I’m not. Because I’ve been burned once, I know what I want, and you’re it. I can live with your career. It’s part of who you are. Say you’ll marry me.”

  “I want to,” she whispered, and one part of her did. That part wanted Jared bound to her so that he couldn’t escape, so that no other woman could have him, so that all those who listened to him night after night would know he was taken. On the flip side, though, the thought of ties like that scared her. “Marriage is rough.”

  “All good things are.”

  “But I’ve seen it fall apart so often. Where I come from, marital rifts are more common than bliss.”

  “Your parents were happy.”

  “Uh-huh, and my mother died nearly twenty years ago. Who knows what would have happened if she had lived?”

  Jared was taken off-guard by the thought. “Do you really wonder about that?”

  “Once in a great while it crosses my mind. People are always telling me to be realistic, and the fact is that my dad is a difficult man. Maybe he would have been different if Mom had lived. Then again, maybe Mom would have had enough at some point.” She paused, desperately wishing she could make Jared understand. “So many of the people I know are on their second or third tries. I don’t think I could bear it if something happened to us.”

  “Something’s already happened to us,” Jared said, looking as frustrated as he sounded. Under his breath, he mumbled, “I don’t believe this,” then more loudly, “You’re saying that since we love each other so much, we don’t dare risk marriage. That doesn’t make sense! If we love each other so much, marriage isn’t a risk.”

  With a breath, he then dared to voice the idea he’d clung to of late. “You need me, Savannah. You’re as independent a woman as I’ve ever met; you have financial security, a career, a home. But you need me. I saw it in your eyes that first time we met, and I’ve seen it lots of times since. It’s just a flicker sometimes, but it’s there, an intense loneliness, almost desperation. You need a soul mate, and I’m it.”

  Savannah couldn’t argue with anything he’d said. Nor did it surprise her that he’d analyzed the situation so well. He was that kind of man. Still, his solution frightened her.

  Sliding a hand down his shirt front, she grasped a button. “We could live together for a while, just to make sure this is what we want.”

  “I don’t have to make sure. I already know.”

  The warmth of his body penetrated his shirt to soothe the backs of her fingers. “That’s what you say now, but you may feel differently after a month or two.”

  Slowly he shook his head. “The only way I’d feel differently would be to love you more.” His hands rose on her back. “I love you, Savannah.”

  “You say that—”

  “I mean it. I know all about your career and how demanding it is. I’ve lived with it for the past few weeks, but it hasn’t mattered. We’ve made time to be together, and we’ve done it without any severe hardship on either of our parts. Am I right?”

  She couldn’t deny it. “But that’s different from year after year of seeking warmth from a woman who is forever engrossed in depositions and affidavits and bills of particulars.”

  Jared let a moment of silence pass. “You talk of wanting a baby. How can the woman you’ve described possibly make a good mother?”

  “She can. I can. I’d do things differently if I had a baby. I’ve already told you how.”

  “Then having a baby means more to you than having me?”

  “No!”

  “That’s how it sounds.”

  “No. I don’t mean it that way. It’s just … just…”

  “What, babe?” he asked more gently. “Tell me. I have to know.”

  With a quick breath, she blurted it out. “You frighten me. You’re so perfect.”

  “I’m not—”

  “To me, you are. I always thought that if I married it would be to someone a little older and sedate, someone who was successful enough to indulge me in my career. You—you’re successful and dynamic and gorgeous. You should be with someone like Susan, someone who can devote her whole life to you.”

  “No offense to your sister, but I don’t want that kind of woman. I’d feel smothered, and bored.”

  “But you have needs and wants. I want to satisfy them, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t want to disappoint you, Jared. I’m scared that I would.”

  Jared looked off to the side. “This really boggles my mind. You talk like I’m some kind of god and like you’d have to be a goddess to fill my needs.” His eyes went to hers. “I’m not a god, Savannah. I’m human. I have faults like everyone else. It takes two to make a marriage work or not work, and I’ve already blown it once before. So obviously I’m not such a joy to live with.”

  “She didn’t love you like I do.”

  Savannah blew his mind with that remark. It was another minute before he could speak, and then his voice was more hoarse. “I know you, Savannah. I know you’re a lawyer, and I know what time demands that puts on you. I want you in spite of all that, maybe because of it. You’re an interesting woman. Your life is never static. I’m not asking that you be a traditional wife. I don’t want a traditional wife.” He made a face. “Hell, what kind of traditional wife is going to put up with her man working all night? Or living on a boat? Not that I’m planning to live here forever, but for now it’s fine. It wouldn’t be fine for a woman who’s around all day. She’d go stir crazy.”

  Thrusting a handful of fingers through his hair, which fell right back down on his brow, he glanced toward the far end of the salon. Frustration was written all over his face. “How can I make you understand? You have an idea of what I want and need that’s not what I want and need at all.” He looked back at her. “You’re convinced you’d make a lousy wife, but that doesn’t make sense. Take this weekend. If we’d been married this weekend, I wouldn’t have expected any more or less from you. So why shouldn’t we be married?”

  She tugged at his button. “That goes the other way, too. If this weekend was perfect, why should we change a thing?”

  “Because I want bonds. I want to know you’re mine. See, I’m not perfect. I’m insecure.”

  “You are not.”

  “When it comes to you, I am.” With finality, he said, “I want us married.”

  Leaning forward, Savannah pressed her face to his neck. He smelled so good. Even now, especially now, after a full day’s work, he was man through and through. “Oh, Jared.”

  His arms went around her. “What is it you want, babe?”

  “A little time. A little time to get used to us. It’s still so new. If you think you’re feeling insecure, I’m feeling ten times more so.”

  “You shouldn’t.”

  “But I do. For me, marriage was always something way out there in the great beyond. I never dwelled on it. Maybe I purposely avoided thinking about it, because I’m not sure I’d do it well, and if I can’t do that, maybe I don’t want to try. I’d have certain expectations of myself if I were married, far more so than if we were living together.”

  “That’s crazy.”

  “Maybe, but it’s so. I’ve never spent much time picturing myself as a wife. I’ve pictured myself a mother more, but even then, we’re talking dreams.”

  “So dream about us.”

  “Lately that’s all I do.”

  Framing her face with his hands, he said in a tone that was raw and pleading, “I love you. Why won’t you believe me? You’re so positive about everything else in life. Why not about us?”

  “Because,” she said with her heart in her throat, “you mean so much to me. When the optimist in me runs free, I imagine all sorts of beautiful things—us, kids, health, and happiness. Then I get nervous and I begin to think
that one person can’t have it all. I have a successful career. I’m not sure I can do justice to more.”

  “You can. You can have it all.”

  She wanted to believe him. He spoke with such confidence that she almost did. Still there were fears that gnawed and nagged. In an attempt to ward off those chilly fingers of doubt, she hugged him closer.

  “Agh!” he cried and went suddenly straight. He twisted an arm to his back and brought his hand out wet. “Uh … babe?”

  It was a minute before Savannah realized what she’d done. Eyes wide, she looked at the empty wine glass she held at his shoulder, then at Jared. In a small voice, she said, “I forgot it was there.”

  His look said, “You sure did,” as he began unbuttoning his shirt. “So,” he tried to sound casual without feeling it at all, “you want to put the wedding off just a little?”

  She nodded.

  “A month or two?”

  She shrugged.

  “But you will marry me?”

  “If you still want it.”

  “I’ll want it.” He peeled the shirt off first one arm, then the next. “What if you get pregnant?”

  “I’m not getting pregnant so fast.”

  He tossed the shirt aside. “We’re not doing anything to prevent it.”

  Captivated by his chest, she spoke distractedly. “But it’s not happening.”

  “Maybe it will this month.”

  “No.” She spread both hands over his ribs, letting her thumbs meet at the faint, central line of hair. “It won’t happen for a little while.”

  Jared was intrigued by her certainty. “Why not?”

  “Because,” she said, taking a breath, “the next few months are going to be ugly. I don’t want our baby to be tainted by that.”

  “Our baby.” Jared grinned. “Sounds nice.” In the next instant, though, the grin vanished. “Will I be competing with Stavanovich for your attention?”

  “Not competing—”

  “You can’t let him dominate your life, Savannah.”

  “He won’t—”

  “He’d better not.”

  She couldn’t help but grin. “Or what? What’ll you do to poor Matty?”

  “I won’t do a damn thing to poor Matty. It’s poor you I’ll do things to.” He leaned forward, all the way forward until Savannah’s back hit the sofa cushions. “If necessary,” he loomed over her, “I’ll keep you right here on this boat, naked and hot,” a more husky drawl, “just beggin’ for it.”