The Touch Series Box Set

by t. h. snyder

  “I know this is not the type of appointment you look forward to and I want to share the results with you before we discuss anything else.”

  Dr. Chesterfield’s expression is blank; there’s no emotion whatsoever.

  The lump in my throat is making it difficult for me to swallow and my hands are beginning to sweat.

  “I’m sorry, but the test results were negative. I can’t begin to imagine your feelings right now, but I want to stress that there are still a variety of options we can discuss.”

  My body begins to go into panic mode. Even though I knew very well there was a slim chance, it stills hurts so bad to hear the truth.

  I look to Keith as tears begin to pool in my eyes.

  “Look, Em, I know this sucks and we’ve been through hell and back. Maybe this is a sign that we should stop trying.”

  Even though I feel the same way, the pain of hearing those words thrusts a knife into my heart.

  Shaking my head I tell both of them, “I won’t continue to put myself and my husband through this anymore. We need to come to terms with the fact that we can’t have children.”

  A single tear falls down my cheek and the realization that this may be it for us hits me hard.

  On the way home from the doctor’s office, Keith and I sit in complete silence.

  I have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I’m not sure if it’s from the news that we just received or the fact that I’m not sure what’s going to happen between me and my husband.

  I watch as the town of Greensboro, North Carolina passes us by and only one thought consumes me. What happens now?

  Keith and I have been married for the past ten years and during that time we’ve spent three years trying to have a baby. It’s taken an enormous toll on our relationship and after this I don’t know how we’ll get through the disappointment.

  Before all of the fertility treatments and in vitro attempts we were really happy. We’ve always been that happy go lucky couple that was the life of the party, but now not so much. The two of us have grown apart and at times I feel like we’re hanging on by a string. It’s gotten so bad, that with my sleepless nights, I’ve found Keith sleeping in the spare room or on the couch. I honestly can’t even remember the last time we were intimate.

  I pull my stare from the passing scenery and over to Keith as I hear him clear his throat. Knowing him as well as I do, I recognize that noise; he wants to say something but is trying to keep his thoughts to himself.

  “Just tell me what’s on your mind Keith.”

  He looks over at me and then glances back over to the road.

  “I don’t know what to say right now, Em. I’m just as disappointed as you are, but at the same time I think it’s for the best. Ya know?”

  “No, I don’t know what you mean, Keith. How is this for the best? I thought a baby was something we both wanted…right?”

  My nerves start to play tricks on me and I’m so worried about what he’s about to say next. All this time I thought we were working so hard to become a family and maybe it was never something he wanted at all.

  “I’m not in the mood to get into this kind of conversation, Em, can we just drop it?”

  I’m appalled by his lack of consideration, I know this is happening to him, too, but he hasn’t been the one dealing with the hormonal changes, shots and other shit. I just shake my head and turn toward the window.

  “Yeah, because that helps make things better,” I mumble under my breath.

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Em? You know what, just forget it,” he says, slamming his hands against the steering wheel.

  I jump from his gesture and slide myself closer to the door. Something isn’t right and I can’t stand the feeling that I have coursing through me.

  We pull up into our driveway and Keith stops the truck outside the garage.

  “Are you keeping the truck out of the garage for a reason?”

  “No, Em, I’m dropping you off and I’m going to go to work. I can’t sit here and stare at the walls; I need to get out and get some air. I think we both need to take a breather after the news we got this morning.”

  “Oh, I see. I was hoping we could spend the rest of the day together.”

  “Yeah, well I can’t read your mind and you didn’t say anything. I just need to get away for a few hours to clear my mind. Why don’t you call your mom and go for lunch or something.”

  I don’t respond—not that I don’t want to—but because I have no clue what kind of words will come out of my mouth if I open it.

  Instead of starting an argument, I grab my purse and pull on the door handle.

  Keith doesn’t say a word, and neither do I, as I hop down out of his truck. I guess he’s right--we both need some time to digest the news we just received—it just sucks that we have to do it apart.

  I punch in the code for the garage and keep my back turned to him as I hear the truck pull away. I probably should call my parents to let them know the results, but honestly I’d rather be alone. I’ll give them a call a little later when the shock wears off a bit.

  I toss my purse onto the kitchen table and make my way up to my room. About halfway up the stairs I realize I forgot my phone in my purse. Shit! Storming back down the stairs, I grab it and stomp my feet like a two year old back up the stairs.

  Lying down on my bed, I close my eyes, hoping that if I take a nap all of this will just be an awful dream.

  I fall into a deep sleep thinking about my sweet little baby that I’ll never have and the happily ever after I so longed for falling apart right in front of me.

  It feels like I only just closed my eyes when I hear my cell phone chirping. Rolling onto my side, I search for the phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, honey,” a sweet and caring voice responds.

  “Hi, Mama.”

  “I didn’t hear from you after the appointment and wanted to know how it went.”

  “Yeah, well, it didn’t go so well,” I say letting out a heavy sigh.

  “I’ll be right there,” she says and disconnects the line.

  Well then, I guess I better get my ass up and out of bed. I toss the cell phone back onto the pillows and make my way toward the bathroom. Even though I was only asleep for an hour or so, I still feel like crap.

  I splash some cold water on my face and dry it with a hand towel. Looking up at my reflection, I’m not sure who the woman is staring back at me.

  Nothing in my life seems to be going the way it’s supposed to anymore.

  I know I’ll never have a baby.

  I know my marriage is about to fall apart.

  I know that after today, life will not be the same.

  Today has been shit up to this point, but I want to make the most of it now that my mom is coming over. Hopefully, her cheery disposition will help bring me out of this funk.

  Looking at my smudged make-up and my messy hair, I quickly pull out my ponytail and attempt to make myself a bit more presentable.

  I grab a make-up removal wipe and try to get rid of the black marks under my eyes.

  I laugh to myself as I scrub away; the black bags aren’t going anywhere.

  Just as I toss the wipe in the trashcan, I hear the door open and shut.

  “Emma, sweetie, are you down here or upstairs?”

  Damn she must have flown over here.

  I peak my head out of my bathroom and yell back down to her, “Up here in my bedroom.”

  The noise of her shoes hitting the hardwood floors echoes through the tall entranceway. I snatch up my mascara and apply a few coats to my long lashes and pout my lips while adding some gloss. I do one more onceover in the mirror before meeting my mom in the bedroom.

  Walking into my master bedroom, I see my mom already fixing up my bed.

  “Really, Mom, I can do that.” I walk over to her and grab the pillow.

  “Emma, I was just trying to be helpful.”

  “I know, Mama, but I can do it. I’m
not broken.”

  She pulls the pillow back from me and sets it down, takes a seat on the bed and pats on the comforter next to her.

  Sitting down next to her, she wraps me into her arms. As soon as my chin hits her shoulder the tears begin to fall down my cheeks. My body trembles as I cry into my mom.

  Where do I even begin to tell her how I’m feeling right now?

  “Shh, my sweet girl, it’s okay. I can’t make the pain go away, but I can be here for you to lean on me. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.”

  Through my sobs I listen to the words my mom is using to console me.

  The hurt and anger of not having a baby of my own is one thing, but not knowing what is happening between me and Keith is a whole other obstacle.

  I pull away slightly from her embrace and wipe away the tears with the sleeve of my shirt.

  “There’s so much to think about, Mama. It’s not just the loss of a baby; Keith and I are growing further apart and I don’t know how to put us back together.”

  “Emma, you are a wonderful, beautiful young woman. Keith is lucky to have you by his side.”

  “But Mom, he left me. After hearing the worst news ever, he left to go to work.”

  My mom gives me a puzzled look.

  I sniffle, “What?”

  “Well, I called your father on the way over here and he was surprised Keith wasn’t home with you.”

  “Why would he be surprised, shouldn’t he be with him?”

  She shakes her head and confusion overtakes my senses. I back away from her on the bed and attempt to pull myself together.

  “Your father said he called and Keith said he needed to take the day off. When your dad asked why, he just said you two needed some time after the news you received this morning.”

  “I don’t understand. He said he was going to work to get out of here. He said he needed a breather. Where the fuck would he have gone? If he’s not here or at work…what the fuck, Mom?”

  “Emma, there is no need to talk like that.”

  “Seriously, I’m going through a lot of shit right now. Don’t treat me like a child.”

  “You’re right, sweetie. I understand you’re upset; just refrain from throwing the f-bomb out at me. I’m still you mother and it’s not respectful or ladylike.”

  I stand from the bed and walk toward the center of the room, turn to look at my mom and cover my face with my hands.

  “Mom!” I scream. “This isn’t the 1950s, fuck is an appropriate word to say in any given situation. Please don’t start on me about my choice of words right now. I don’t need to deal with your lack of approval on top of everything else going through my head.”

  I watch the look of surprise grace my mother’s beautiful face. She gets up to stand and walks toward me. The last thing I want to do is upset her. She’s the person I run to when I’m in need; I can’t lose that, too.

  She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into a hug.

  “As much as I dislike the choice of words you’re using right now, I’m not here to fight with you. Why don’t we go out for a bit and get some lunch. We can talk about everything a bit more, but I think you should get out of this house for a while today.”

  I nod my head and slowly step away.

  “Let me go in the bathroom and wash my face and then we can go.”

  I turn and walk toward the bathroom. It was just a few moments ago I was doing the same exact routine.

  Ugh! I need to get my shit together and pull my emotions back to where they belong. I now know that I’m unable to have the baby I’ve always dreamed of and I need to be okay with that. As for my husband, I’ll deal with him and our issues when we’re at home, together. For right now, I want to spend the rest of the day thinking about the things that make me happy—with the one woman that knows me better than anyone—my mama.

  Splashing some cool water on my face I reach for the hand towel and dry myself off. I quickly reapply my make-up and add some more gloss to my lips. Looking in the mirror, I know the woman I see is in pain, but for this afternoon, I’ll pretend that nothing bothers her and she’s happy as can be.

  Mom is standing next to the bed watching for me to come out of the bathroom. I walk over to her, pull her into a hug and thank her for always being there for me.

  “Now, let’s put my shitty life on hold for the afternoon and go have some girl time,” I say walking out of the bedroom.

  “Sounds wonderful, honey, but do me one favor.”

  “Sure, Mama, what’s that?”

  “Smile for me. You’re a beautiful girl and I hate to see that pretty face so sad.”

  I look back and give her the biggest smile I can muster.

  “I’ll do anything for you, Mama. Come on let’s go, I’m starving.”

  I grab her hand and pull her along my side down the hallway and stairs.

  Thank God for this woman right here. If I didn’t have her in my life I don’t know what I’d do.

  Mom and I leave the house through the front door and make our way to her fully loaded Audi sitting in the driveway.

  My parents have never been ones to flaunt the wealth that they’ve come into with the contracting business, but Dad insisted that Mom get the car of her dreams.

  We hop into her fancy new ride and head down the driveway and out of my subdivision.

  I glance at her and an overwhelming feeling takes control of me. Looking at my mom, I see a woman that would do just about anything for her family. In many ways I’d like to think that I’m a lot like her.

  Besides her huge heart, she’s a beautiful woman. She has the most brilliant blue eyes. For as long as I can remember, she’s worn her dark brown hair in a short bob, not a strand out of place. She is the epitome of a perfect, caring and wonderful mom.

  I take my eyes off of her and look out the window.

  So many thoughts are flying through my mind, and for just one afternoon, I wish I could turn them off. I hate not having control, not knowing what is going to happen next and the fact that—for all I know—the life I’ve been living is a lie.

  I’m pulled out of my self-induced haze when I hear my mom’s voice.

  “Where would you like to go get something to eat?” she asks, looking at me with a smirk on her face.

  I have to be the most indecisive person on the plant and she knows this all too well.

  “Mama, I really don’t care, you pick,” I tell her with a pout on my face.

  She giggles and pats the palm of her hand on my leg.

  “Okay, Emma, I’ll pick this time.”

  She places her hand back on the wheel and I rest my head back against the passenger’s seat, watching as the scenery of Greensboro flies past us.

  This is my home, I grew up here.

  This is where I started my life; the place I wanted to raise a family.

  This is the spot I met my best friend, my husband, and now, I fear that it’s the place where we will be torn apart.

  Mama’s phone begins to chirp from her purse by my feet.

  I see my brother, Riley, is calling and I can’t help but smile. He’s such a fool. We may be ten years apart in age, but I still love him dearly. Growing up, we obviously weren’t the closest of siblings, but we totally make up for it now with our daily fighting and bickering.

  As I reach down for her purse, she stops me and pushes the hands-free button on her steering wheel.

  “Well, good afternoon, honey,” Mama says.

  “Hey, Mama,” he replies, his voice echoing throughout the car.

  “Hey, shitbrick!” I shout.

  I look over to Mom and she gives me the kindest of her evil glares.

  “Well, hot damn! Sweet old Em is with you. Sorry you have to deal with her, Mama.”

  “Shut the hell up, asswipe,” I reply with a giggle.

  “Okay, you two; call a truce for a few moments so I can talk to my son in peace.”

  “Sorry, Mama,” we say in unison.

  “It’s fin
e. Now, what’s up, love?” Mama asks with a huge grin on her petite, yet amazingly beautiful face.

  “Dad and I were going to head to Boston’s for lunch and he asked me to give you a call. Wanna tag along with us?”

  Ha! Of course Riley would pick Boston’s as the place to go eat. If there was ever an obsessively die hard Red Sox fan, my brother would win the award hands down.

  “Oh, that sounds great; Emma and I were just deciding where we were going to go eat this afternoon.”

  “No, you mean you were deciding. We all know that Em needs help to pick out her shoes for the day,” Riley says with a loud laugh.

  “Mama!” I screech.

  “Seriously, Riley Paul, do I need to slap you?” Mama says, covering her mouth to mask the giggle she lets out.

  “Shit, sorry, Mama. It’s kinda hard not to make fun of her; it’s just too damn easy.”

  “We’ll meet you for lunch on one condition. I don’t want a family feud on my hands between you two. You’d think you guys were six and sixteen all over again and I surely don’t want to relive those years of torture. I’d rather enjoy the good memories—not the ones of you cutting your sister’s hair while she slept.”

  A loud laugh comes through the speakers and I burst out laughing.

  Between the two of us, we sure as hell were a duo that caused both of our parent’s grief with our wicked tricks. I agree that sometimes we took things to an extreme, like Riley cutting my hair and me pouring ice cold water in his bed while he slept.

  Ahh, such fond childhood memories; some I’d never replace and others I’d like to forget.

  If only we could go back to those days—when there wasn’t a care in the world. I’d love to move back home and let Mama and Daddy take care of me. Oh wait, I’m a thirty something grown woman…guess that’s not in the cards for me anytime soon.

  “Mama, I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try if your daughter can behave.”

  “Well, thank you, Son. We should be there in about ten minutes.”

  “Perfect, I’ll go grab Dad and we’ll meet you there. Bye, Mama, love you.”

  “To infinity and beyond, my love,” she responds.

  I have to giggle at my mom’s response to my brother. As children, any time one of us would say ‘I love you’, the immediate response was to infinity and beyond. I love the quirkiness of my family, and to be honest, I’d be lost without them.